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To think our money should be shared?

(110 Posts)
Keepgoing88 Tue 22-Oct-19 05:51:03

Firstly I should say I'm not sure if I do think the money we have should be shared but I wasn't sure where to put this post!
I'm married and have 3 kids under 7. I work 2 days a week and my husband full time. After bills / food / kids activities and child care I have around £100 left, most of which gets spent on extra food, petrol etc but is my little buffer. My husband, after paying mortgage and bills has about £1250 left. I don't get any of that unless I ask. He claims it's coz I'm not great with money (I'm not too bad!). Sometimes I think maybe I should get more but I hate broaching the subject. If I ask and he has some he would give me money but I hate asking so just don't really spend much on myself. What would you do would you just ask for more money? If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job. My work is not that badly paid and the hours fit fairly well around DC so for now I don't see how I can do that.

Lanurk Wed 23-Oct-19 00:16:04

Sorry I hit post too soon. My point is, if he added up all the childcare you do and the cost of a cleaner etc he’d see you’re worth more. If he’s unwilling to entertain that train of thought then you might need to consider going your separate ways as it’s not fair.

Lanurk Wed 23-Oct-19 00:13:50

I used to split everything 50/50 with my dp even the he earns about 1/3 more than me. He used to say I was rubbish with money because I never had any left but that I should ask if I was short hmm
One day I sat him down with a list of incomings and outgoings and asked him what parts I ought to cut in order to have some money left at the end of the month. We now split things 70/30 and he’s made it clear I need to shout for extra for clothes for the kids etc because he didn’t really think about where the money went.

WagtailRobin Wed 23-Oct-19 00:03:49

I think the important question you should be asking OP is to yourself, "Why am I allowing myself to be treated this way?".

You have three children fathered by him, you run a household, you cook, you clean, you work part time, you more than contribute to the family that he and you have created, his regret concerning the third child is totally irrelevant, you didn't get pregnant alone.

I am a very strong believer in never asking, I believe a partner should offer, he knows you work part time, he knows how expensive food and essentials for children can be, he isn't stupid, he clearly knows you have next to nothing left each month for your self/for small extras. How do you deal with Christmas for example, does he contribute? Children's birthdays?

This actually makes me feel quite sad, to know that any woman (or even man) is being degraded and economically abused, you need to speak to him, it doesn't matter if he thinks he is "never wrong", you put your cards on the table and you tell him. No one is saying he should be left penniless but for fuck sake you should have a bit more each month, you need a bit more for a half decent standard of living, why shouldn't you be able to treat yourself from time to time? Or to stash an amount away for the future? Or for whatever reason.

He is a selfish prick and I hate all narrative on Mumsnet about "leave the bastard" etc but honestly you need to draw a line, he is a dick!

Zerrin13 Tue 22-Oct-19 23:19:02

Yet another woman eating that shit sandwich and thinking it's all she deserves

SalemShadow Tue 22-Oct-19 21:57:47

@Sanchezz it's not £100 a week it's £100 a month!!!!

Switcher33 Tue 22-Oct-19 17:49:28

To be honest I don't necessarily NEED the money he has I can manage I just feel like I'm living such a frugal life all the time.

OP why do you have such low expectations sad You deserve much better than this.

ShipShapeandBristolFashion Tue 22-Oct-19 17:01:11

How on earth is that fair? Of course you should pool your combined earnings and share. Your earnings are lower because you only work 2 days to enable you to care for HIS children!!

sanchezz Tue 22-Oct-19 16:51:09

God this is so very very sad. I feel completely depressed reading it.
OP, how could you ever think this is a marriage?
He sounds like the lowest of the low. Imagine watching your wife survive in £100 per week; reducing her to asking for handouts and making her feel guilty for having HIS third child. I just can’t believe it.
How can you love him? How can you have even an ounce of respect for him? How bad does it have to get OP?
I am genuinely shocked that any woman lived like this - ever. Let alone in 2019.
There is nothing he can do that would ever make this up to you. Nothing. I hope you see that you have to leave him. Your children deserve so much better and so do you. It is truly appalling that he has reduced you to this state. I can’t believe it. Please get away from him.

maddening Tue 22-Oct-19 16:42:28

Ask him for £600 each month

PermanentlyExhausted Tue 22-Oct-19 16:33:36

He keeps saying how he never wanted a third child which we have

FFS!! So did the condom split, or has his vasectomy failed? Because that's the only possible way he now has a third child that he didn't want. The only other option is that he carelessly left his sperm inside you but expected you to make sure it didn't impregnate you. You know, I don't want people to steal my purse so I keep it zipped up inside my handbag. I don't leave it in someone else's handbag and them claim I didn't want it stolen.

Cheeserton Tue 22-Oct-19 16:27:27

Bigger proportion*

Cheeserton Tue 22-Oct-19 16:26:54

If not pooling the money overall, clearly the higher earner needs to pay a bit proportion of the bills and general costs proportionate to their bigger income, leaving you with a more sensible residual amount each month from your own money. He's simply not paying enough, he doesn't need to give you spending money. You are paying too much.

summersherewishiwasnt Tue 22-Oct-19 16:26:50

Why are you paying for food from your two day per week salary ???? Wtaf!

summersherewishiwasnt Tue 22-Oct-19 16:26:03

The 3rd child comment is awful.
I would ask him to pay this bill please
Childcare Invoice. And any other wife work you do for him.
I honestly would. You work full time caring for his children and keeping the home, that is worth something. He is tight fisted and that is very attractive.

averylongtimeago Tue 22-Oct-19 16:20:36

So: you pay for all the food, his included? All the childcare, children's clothes, activities, haircuts etc?
I bet you do all the housework, cooking and shopping too.

What is he actually good for?
He sounds mean and nasty to me.

HildaSnibbs Tue 22-Oct-19 16:11:50

I am so saddened and enraged by how many posts like yours there are on here OP, this is far from the first time I've read something like this.

And no it's not right, and it's not normal. Both incomes should go into a joint account and both partners should have free access to it, should have full visibility on bills, savings etc. Yes by all means agree a 'spending allowance' for yourselves (and it should be the same ££ for you both!) if you want to keep a lid on spending - but this 'asking him for money' 'it's his because he earns is' crap is utterly infuriating, sexist, regressive bollocks.

By the way I'm a SAHM and all DH's income goes into a joint account. Both of us spend what we want, when we want, because we trust each other and we're a team.

SonicVersusGynaephobia Tue 22-Oct-19 15:53:39

He never wanted a third child

He should have been more careful where he left his sperm then; I'm sure you didn't scoop it out of him.

AmIThough Tue 22-Oct-19 15:05:38

It's one thing saying you don't want a 3rd child when you find out you're pregnant - it's something else entirely once you choose to welcome an actual human into your family.

He's a prick and is using the child against you. This won't ever end well.

YobaOljazUwaque Tue 22-Oct-19 14:12:30

ah so you married a shitweasel. Hmm.

EKGEMS Tue 22-Oct-19 11:59:55

He never wanted a third child? Tell the stupid fucker he should've gotten a vasectomy then! What a shitty thing to say. I hope the cheap bastard realizes how much he'd be paying if you guys divorced.

SalemShadow Tue 22-Oct-19 11:33:23

Not being rude OP but how on earth does he expect you to manage with £100? It's completely unrealistic. You would be wise to get a full time job and then just do the bills and chores 50/50. I feel sorry you are having to manage with that measly budget

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:04:30

Op you need a chat with him. It isn't fair in your scenario what's happening.
Go through the finances and explain to him /shoe him how it isn't fair nad agree a figure that works for you bothh.

LadyCarolinePooterVonThigh Tue 22-Oct-19 10:59:26

Poor baby! What a mean attitude. I hope he does actually love this child.

Kko1986 Tue 22-Oct-19 10:37:05

I've been with my husband for 11 years married 3 and we have an almost 2 year old, we have a joint account for Bill's, I have my own so does he. I work part time he works full time. He would never not share his money as he says it is our money. I could say to him oh could I have x amount to take daughter to soft play. Or could I have some money for a new coat he wouldn't begrudge me as I do work and I pay for the car he uses to go to work. I also raise our daughter. Once married it should be a clear share

Quartz2208 Tue 22-Oct-19 10:13:17

so he is punishing you and your children because of it.

He is letting his children live a frugal life as well

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