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To think our money should be shared?

(110 Posts)
Keepgoing88 Tue 22-Oct-19 05:51:03

Firstly I should say I'm not sure if I do think the money we have should be shared but I wasn't sure where to put this post!
I'm married and have 3 kids under 7. I work 2 days a week and my husband full time. After bills / food / kids activities and child care I have around £100 left, most of which gets spent on extra food, petrol etc but is my little buffer. My husband, after paying mortgage and bills has about £1250 left. I don't get any of that unless I ask. He claims it's coz I'm not great with money (I'm not too bad!). Sometimes I think maybe I should get more but I hate broaching the subject. If I ask and he has some he would give me money but I hate asking so just don't really spend much on myself. What would you do would you just ask for more money? If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job. My work is not that badly paid and the hours fit fairly well around DC so for now I don't see how I can do that.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 22-Oct-19 05:55:38

If he won't then you can't make him. Did you not talk about how you would split costs when you had children? Could he take on more bills etc to give you more disposible income, may sit better as that's what I would do.
I would sit him down and say your increasing hours as per his suggestion so he need sto pay for before after school childcare on 1 or 2 additional days which will cost xyz.
Then discuss alternatives eg he gives you access to more money.
I know people will say he's abusive etc but I'm very against joint accounts having had a nasty ex from years ago so I'm prob a bit wierd! Me and dp don't share income but split 50:50 all costs even childcare but we both work full time so it's prob a bit different.

areyouafraidofthedark Tue 22-Oct-19 05:55:54

He definitely should be sharing some of his money with you. It's not just his money when he needs to contribute to the children and household.

TapDanceJazzHands Tue 22-Oct-19 05:55:55

As far as I see it you're doing a full time job with work & looking after the children too. (Unfortunately no one pays you for the childcare)

I'm in exactly the same position and my & DH have one bank account. We the get the same amount of personal spending money every month. It's the only fair way. He chose to have kids as much as me, & someone needs to care for them.

QueenofmyPrinces Tue 22-Oct-19 05:56:20

I’m sorry, but that is not right.

My husband works full time and I work part time. He brings home over twice what I do every month yet still everything is shared.

It isn’t his money and my money, it is OUR money as a family.

Genuinely, how can you want to be with someone who sees you go without whilst he has a £1’000 a month to spend?

SonicVersusGynaephobia Tue 22-Oct-19 05:57:09

Of course it should be shared money.

Him having £1200 and you only £100 is ridiculous.

Why does he think you're bad with money?

What does he spend his money on?

BuildBuildings Tue 22-Oct-19 06:00:09

So are you paying for the child care? Regardless it should be shared as you work only two days to look after your child. Which are also his children. So your lower wage is something you should both jointly have to deal with. Not just you have less money.

TapDanceJazzHands Tue 22-Oct-19 06:03:11

Also for him to say your bad with money is patronising and ridiculous.
If you have your own bank account and a personal allowance- it is your business what you buy IMO (as long as you're not getting into massive debt that would affect the family).

curlychocs Tue 22-Oct-19 06:06:40

I never understand this. You are a family. The money from both of you belongs to that family. We share all our money. We talk about any purchases. We make sure we have money to pay for any big expenses. We each take a bit into private account for things we want. To me this is how it should be. No arguments about who pays for what

UncomfortableSilence Tue 22-Oct-19 06:16:20

I just don't understand the mentality of keeping finances separate and how people live like this, these posts come up so often, you're a family, all this his money my money crap is wrong IMO.

You have a home and children and these are shared expenses, DH earns far more than me, both our salaries get paid into one joint account that all the DDs get paid from, we then put some money in our savings and what's left is for both of us to spend equally.

quincejamplease Tue 22-Oct-19 06:16:47

Who is paying for costs related to the children?

Please tell me you're not covering all of that alone? Because that would be looking like financial abuse...

Shoxfordian Tue 22-Oct-19 06:19:33

No this is wrong
You should jointly have 1300 left each month.
He's not acting like you're a team

LannieDuck Tue 22-Oct-19 06:32:32

Who's choice was it for you to go PT? Did he want you to pick up more of the childcare and drop your hours?

How would he respond to doing half the school/nursery run, half the sick days, half the child admin, half the housework etc around his current job?

I would be inclined to call his bluff and seek a FT job. But that may be something you don't want to do. If he wants you to work FT (and would be willing to pick up childcare etc as a result), and you only want to work PT, it's much harder to say that the money is 'family' money.

Teacher22 Tue 22-Oct-19 06:34:21

When I was young I saw that my father forced my mother to work when it wasn’t usual for mothers of small children to do so and, what is more, made her pay bills while his money was saved. He once bought a small cottage for cash he has so much put by. He was stingy and kept everyone short. When they divorced he tricked her into having a one off payment in lieu of proper maintenance and she ran through it in a moment and then hand two jobs to keep her two children.

I vowed never to marry or be exploited financially by a man like mum had been but met a decent man and we married and pooled our finances. It has worked very well for us as we trust each other. Whenever the DH strayed into ‘the money I earn’ territory I put him right immediately about it being our money. To keep independent I worked full time teaching for 34 years ( a killer) and, while I earned less than him, it was my sacrifices on the child, home, garden, decorating and maintenance front that allowed him to pursue a lucrative career.

At the very least, OP, you should share the childcare costs equally. And cost your domestic contributions to the family. If you had to pay others to do what you do ( with tax add ons ) you would be swallowing up ‘his’ £1200 odd ‘ pocket money’ a month. You are being economically exploited. However, you do need to be mature about how money is spent. I never, ever wasted family cash on ‘girly’ trash like nails, beauty treatments, spa days or ephemera like that. I had my hair cut, yes, and a cleaner, but then, so did he and the cleaner was for the house, not me. For his part, my DH never wasted money on lads’ days out or football or expensive hobbies.

I suppose it all comes down to trust in the end - but a serious readjustment needs to be made now if it is not too late.

Teacher22 Tue 22-Oct-19 06:35:40

Had not has and hand. Predictive text! Doh! Sorry.

willowmelangell Tue 22-Oct-19 06:35:46

What bills is he paying and what bills are you paying?
You are buying food, all the food for 5 people to live on?
I used to find it was the extras that broke me, kids haircuts or cinema tickets or kids shoes. My ex had gotten used to having money in his pocket when my f/t wages were coming in. After dc and then my p/t wages he still wanted the money in his pocket.
Will you increase your work hours and share childcare costs?

donquixotedelamancha Tue 22-Oct-19 06:36:32

What would you do would you just ask for more money?

I would not ask, I'd tell; that is your money. You have kids, you run a household, you are married, more than half your time is spent running the household. It is insane to separate finances in this situation.

If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job

Sit him down and speak to him. If he still says this then stop all joint chores and file for divorce. You will be miserable if you let this go on years, if divorced you will get maintenance and the chance to find an actual partner.

ForTheTimeBeing Tue 22-Oct-19 06:38:59

This doesn't sound like a marriage to me. You should jointly decide how to spend/save your JOINT income.

swingofthings Tue 22-Oct-19 06:39:41

He should of course be sharing but it sounds like the issue is your disagreement about what is wasting money as you think you're not bad he thinks you are.

So really, the question is what do you spend on that he thinks is a waste of money and you don't agree. To be fair, I find that quite a few of my friends waste a lot of money on stuff I consider a waste of money, but clearly they don't agree. Thankfully, my OH and I are totally on the same wavelength, so it's not an issue.

Blondebakingmumma Tue 22-Oct-19 06:41:30

You are basically paying for childcare on the days you are with the kids at home by sacrificing a potential income. He should pay for childcare when you work and because he earns more should be paying more towards bills and kids. I’m not sure I could have children with a man like this

LannieDuck Tue 22-Oct-19 06:43:24

Another thought is that most PT parents pick up more of the chores, but that's only fair if he's sharing his earnings.

If he keeps all his earnings, stop doing any of his 50% of chores/childcare.

CAG12 Tue 22-Oct-19 06:47:18

Why are you paying for the kids solely out of your wage?

We have a joint account, both pay in a set anount a month that covers monthly costs.

Switcher33 Tue 22-Oct-19 06:49:58

This is not a good situation OP. It is not fair on you at all.

Why are you the one paying for childcare? Because you're the woman??

ibanez0815 Tue 22-Oct-19 06:50:13

go back full time and share the bills - and housework.

of course it's not right but I couldn't live like that.

linentowel Tue 22-Oct-19 06:58:22

I couldn’t live like that. We live out of one account.

This isn’t right. It’s not right you have to ask for money either.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 22-Oct-19 06:58:31

How does he know if you’re bad with money? You don’t have any once you’ve paid your bills ffs. Either he’s bad with money or is setting himself up a nice nest egg. This isn’t a partnership.

LadyCarolinePooterVonThigh Tue 22-Oct-19 06:59:47

Did you get married in church OP? Remember that vow, "All that I have, I share with you" ?

Perhaps your husband has a different definition of sharing, one where you share but he doesn't.

MoreCuddlesForMummy Tue 22-Oct-19 07:01:24

What does he do with his £1200?

I would look at what proportion of each of your wages is spent on bills? Sounds like nearly 100% of yours is but not his.

What happens when you need a new pair of jeans? Or a haircut?

CatteStreet Tue 22-Oct-19 07:02:20

He's treating you like a glorified housemate.

People don't usually have sex with their housemates. Or wash or cook or clean for them.

Just saying. Might be a way of making him think.

I too am unable to fathom this mentality of being married (often in 'traditional' marriages with 'traditional' weddings which usually involve something about sharing all that you have) and having children with someone and thinking that one can sit back and watch them struggle while amassing vast amounts in the bank, as if that were the most normal thing in the world.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt Tue 22-Oct-19 07:02:35

It’s not right OP.
DH earns 3x my salary (both FT) and we both pool our money into a joint account where bills are taken each month and then the left over is freely accessible to both of us!

I’m currently pregnant and will likely go back PT - I would feel less comfortable doing this if we didn’t have the financial agreement we do. When you’re married (or long term partners) and there are children involved theres no ‘my money’ or ‘your money’ anymore and neither party should benefit more!

Talk to DH and express that whilst you don’t want to spend it all 😂 you feel uncomfortable not having access to this ‘extra’ money. Either he can pay more bills/food so that you’re left with £500+ each month OR you get a joint savings account to keep his extra money in!

rwalker Tue 22-Oct-19 07:05:43

Give him more of the bills to pay make outgoing more relevant to each others income .
Separate finances can work fine but have to be fair

TryingAndFailing39 Tue 22-Oct-19 07:07:05

If he’s not going to share his money with you then at the very least he should be paying for the children’s activities and food if he earns much more than you.

RosieLynn Tue 22-Oct-19 07:09:14

I cannot understand people who have separate finances after having children.

Nanny0gg Tue 22-Oct-19 07:11:47

What's he doing with all that extra money?

PrincessRaven Tue 22-Oct-19 07:11:51

I'd go back to work fulltime, and let him know he'll be getting a child care and cleaner bill soon

Whattodoabout Tue 22-Oct-19 07:11:59

Never understood this my money/your money set up within families. You have children, of course he should be funding them. The money should all be pooled together and you should be able to spend whatever you need to without qualms from him. Within reason of course, I don’t mean you should be able to splash it all on nights out!

ShippingNews Tue 22-Oct-19 07:19:42

I just don't get it. You're a family. All family money should go into the family pot, then all expenses come out of it. Anything that is left, can be saved or you can both have an equal amount for pocket money. The idea of "you pay for this / I pay for that / I get a huge amount of spending money / you get very little " is all wrong to me. You may as well be living with a room mate if you're going to live like that.

peachypetite Tue 22-Oct-19 07:21:58

Absolutely ridiculous set up! I think you know this isn’t fair or normal OP.

FamilyOfAliens Tue 22-Oct-19 07:22:02

I don't know where to begin with this. He sounds like your dad, not your husband and father of the children you decided together to have.

Tell him you’re going to start looking for full-time work so you can have a similar level of disposable income as he has, so that things are fairer. Tell him this will mean he’ll need to pay out more in childcare. See how that fits with his arrangement.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 22-Oct-19 07:22:03

The other way to consider setting it up, is that you both contribute pro rata in accordance with your income, to all household costs including childcare; that slightly recognises your unpaid work running the home, and would hopefully even up your disposable incomes. I hope he's saving some of his excess, not just spending it on himself? Him being so good with money an' all?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Tue 22-Oct-19 07:23:27

It sounds like he’s not on board with you working part time? This should have been a joint decision as it impacts the whole family financially.

Countrybumpkins Tue 22-Oct-19 07:25:34

I originally read it as he had £125 and thought he should definitely give you £12.50 to make it equal!
I'd go back to work fulltime, and let him know he'll be getting a child care and cleaner bill soon

BillHadersNewWife Tue 22-Oct-19 07:27:46

He should be saving some of it for both of you.

SubmersibleSandwich Tue 22-Oct-19 07:30:21

I never, ever wasted family cash on ‘girly’ trash like nails, beauty treatments, spa days or ephemera like that. I had my hair cut, yes, and a cleaner, but then, so did he and the cleaner was for the house, not me. For his part, my DH never wasted money on lads’ days out or football or expensive hobbies

I don't get this at all, sounds like a really dull & restrictive way to live! Assuming there is some disposable income, what is wrong with both adults taking an equal amount each month to treat themselves with? Even £50 or so?

OP, YANBU & your/your DH money should be shared.

TreePeepingWatcher Tue 22-Oct-19 07:30:23

I'd call his bluff, tell him to earn more money you are going back to work full time and you need to sit down and work out drop offs and collections for the children plus dividing up the housework. Also show him the increased child care costs.

It shouldn't be a 50/50 split because he earns more. You should both be left with the same amount of spending money and maybe some of it goes into a savings pot for holidays/cars/retirement whatever. It always worries me when people say their partner is willing to watch them struggle financially, how is that caring at all?

I am a SAHM with full access to the money Dh makes and I can spend what I like when I like. We have been together 23 years. He openly admits that me being at home is bliss for him as he does no housework, his meals are made and his shirts are ironed. I do this without hesitation because he completely appreciates what I do.

SubmersibleSandwich Tue 22-Oct-19 07:32:00

It sounds like he’s not on board with you working part time? This should have been a joint decision as it impacts the whole family financially

Perhaps he isn't, but I bet he'd expect her to pay for all the childcare and do all the housework/pay and organise a cleaner even if she worked FT.

73Sunglasslover Tue 22-Oct-19 07:33:19

Is it worth suggesting to him that he does the next few years at 2 days a week and you go back full time? You need to keep it fair after all.

RedskyToNight Tue 22-Oct-19 07:35:34

I agree with others that money should be shared but ...

.. what is he spending the £1250 on? Is some/all of this really on things that benefit the family?

... did you mutually agree that you should go p/t or was this primarily your decision? If he's unhappy with being the main wage earner, I can see why he might think that you should earn more. Of course if you do go down that route, absolutely get an agreement ahead of time as to a fair split of chores/childcare responsibilities

LucileDuplessis Tue 22-Oct-19 07:36:31

This isn't right, OP.

Not all married couples share finances 100%, but in cases where one person is a SAHM or working part time, and is therefore doing significantly more of the childcare and housework, then it's the only fair way. Otherwise you're effectively working for free on those tasks, whereas he's effectively getting free childcare and housekeeping.

If he won't share finances, your only option is to work full time and share the childcare costs and housework (or the cost of a cleaner) with him 50:50. What would he say if you suggested that set up?

At the moment the situation is massively unfair.

mylifenow27 Tue 22-Oct-19 07:37:54

I feel a bit bad now as everything my other half earns goes into a joint account we arnt married. I spend it how I like (literally) I put some on my saving account other away for Christmas etc an organise all the bills being paid. I earn nothing as stay at home with the baby, but the two eldest are at school and one in the middle at full time nursery.

Everything he pays for including the cleaner and laundrette for the family's washing and ironing. So I don't do much house work apart from tidying.

To be fair though I didn't want to have anymore children I wanted to study and go back into work. But I gave him the children he wanted.

I feel pretty cruel now tho!!! But I suppose I balance it out with putting my life on hold to have kids.

Troels Tue 22-Oct-19 07:38:25

Money into the bill "pot" should be in propotion with earnings. So if he earns double he puts double in, all bills including childcare and child related costs shuld be coming out of that pot.
It's called financial abuse when he keeps you poor making you slend all you have on necessities while he amasses a nice fat savings account.
Dh and I couldn't be bothered with working out what to put in the pot, so we shoved it all in one and everything including savings came from there. For many years it was only his earings, now it's only mine. We trust each other.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 22-Oct-19 07:39:35

Your situation is different op. But I have separate finances after having a child with my dp.
We each work full time and each pay half the bills (ultilites food and rent or mortgage) and then keep what's left. He has 3 children from his first marriage. This is one of the reasons we do this, as they are solely his repsonability to contribute towards and he isn't good with money at all. He chooses to be self employed and earn less than min wage equivilliant so that is his choice but I'm not funding him doing that. This was clearly agreed between us when I fell pregnant and discussed.
I think with blended families the situation of there's no such thing as my money isn't the case.
I'm your situation though op it isn't like this and it really isn't fair. He should be either contributing to half of additional childcare so you can work full time and have income or agreeing to pay a larger portion of bills as higherearnerthus giving you more disposible income.

billybagpuss Tue 22-Oct-19 07:43:15

Presumably if he's so 'good' with money, he is only spending the same amount per month as you, so £100 therefore he's saving £1100 per month???

You need to have a proper discussion which starts with 'We need to discuss our disproportionate disposable incomes. In order for you to have that much per month I'm am currently doing xyz chores and childcare, you need to acknowledge that.' I refuse to continue to ask you for handouts like a little kid asking for pocket money.

If he responds that you should earn more money, you simply say, OK I will return full time you therefore need to split the cost of childcare and a cleaner.

Are you currently splitting the bills 50/50 if so that is ludicrous?

MIdgebabe Tue 22-Oct-19 07:45:10

Is he spending the 1200 or saving it? University days, New car, retirement fund? You need to discuss priorities,

I think I am well off, and after bills I have 100 a month as me spending money, some months there's left over, other months DD is home from university and I am you don't sound strapped for cash. When dh was house husband, I would have felt aggrieved if he had regularly wanted more free cash than I was using

Butterfly84 Tue 22-Oct-19 07:50:23

That is not right OP.

Having to ask your DH for money is not right.

So you care for the children alone for 3 days per week and pay for childcare? Bring up his children and have to ask him for money? So wrong.

All money/most of it should be shared IMO. Shared income for you both and you both decide how it's spent.

Steerpike902 Tue 22-Oct-19 07:53:26

Get him to pay for childcare to make up the difference in your hours. Or invoice him yourself. He only has all that money and you don't as your sacrificing to look after the children. He hasn't had to sacrifice work or his personal time to look after the kids y yet he gets to parade around with all his money. I definitely hope you're not paying half of the bills from your money as that's bullshit.

Chewbecca Tue 22-Oct-19 08:00:09

In some ways it's like this with me and my DH, he pays the lion's share of the bills and I have lots leftover. DH is not bothered by money at all and it does tend to burn a hole in his pocket.
I save what is leftover and tend to spend it on the house or on our family holidays, i.e. on all of us. Or an overpayment on our mortgage.
Works fine for us.

TheSerenDipitY Tue 22-Oct-19 08:02:18

he needs to be giving you some personal money each month, thats just not on that you slave away all day looking after the kids and home and all the home admin and most likely the wife work too... you ending up with $100 vs his $1200 is bloody wrong... my husband doesnt even have a bank account, he directed his pay to my bank when we first moved in together and its stayed that way ever since, i pay all the bills, set aside money for petrol, and other planned or upcoming bills and expenses and then in a secondary account i transfer what is left over and either of us can use that money, if there is something i want i just get it, he does the same ( but most often asks if its all good to buy xyz or will it leave us short )
if i were you and he wont give you access to a reasonable amount of money i would stop using my wage for any family things, or start telling people ( in front of him even) no sorry i cant afford to do that, nope no money for that, oh i wish i could but i have no money... eventually someone will ask why not be honest and say he wont give you any spending money that he prefers to spend it all on himself

Morgan12 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:04:13

Of course it should be shared. You are married.

You share a house, children, a full life together, so why not money?

Beveren Tue 22-Oct-19 08:04:35

Why are you paying child care? There's no logical reason why your husband shouldn't pay for it.

YobaOljazUwaque Tue 22-Oct-19 08:07:06

This is financial abuse. Its not like you are free to choose how much to earn - you earn what you do because you are shouldering the majority of the impact of parenthood, and that is something that is intrinsically an equal joint responsibility. There is nothing wrong with you choosing as a couple not to split the practical work equally but that means that in the same way the additional money earned by the person who is earning more should be shared because the uneven split of efforts between money-earning work and family-maintenance work is part of a partnership and if he is taking advantage of you getting the shitty end of the stick on one axis without sharing the rewards he reaps from the work he us thereby enabled to do, then he is no partner and no husband and deserves to live lonely and without love.

LagunaBubbles Tue 22-Oct-19 08:07:34

You are married, you know partners for life, share children, a bed etc. Of course money should be shared! Situations like this blow my mind. How can any decent partner be happy knowing the other is in this situation?

Crystal87 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:08:59

He should be paying money into your account. My DH works full time and I'm a stay at home parent. We're a family and everything he gives never gets back in food, bills paid etc.

Crystal87 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:09:58

* he does get back, that should say.

C8H10N4O2 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:12:08

Its staggering in 2019 that this is still even an item for discussion.

You are a couple, you have a family together. One partner has compromised earning potential to prioritise the family and therefore enable the other partner to earn.

Of course the income is joint, of course the benefits should be shared, so should available leisure time.

JustaScratch Tue 22-Oct-19 08:13:21

This makes me absolutely furious. You are subsiding his life and career success, sacrificing your own earning potential to bring up his children. You are married. The children belong to both of you. So does the money. I speak as someone who has earned more than my DH for most of our marriage and who is now supporting him entirely. We both have equal access and he doesn't have to ask my permission to buy something. How patronising and degrading. But unfortunately all too common.

Cornishmum00 Tue 22-Oct-19 08:15:25

Does he save the money or spend it on himself? I would tell him you need x amount transferred each month to you for the children or he has to pay for childcare so you can increase your hours

Vulpine Tue 22-Oct-19 08:17:35

Joint account that you both have access to
What a cock

TheMasterBaker Tue 22-Oct-19 08:25:13

I am a SAHM, husband works full time in a well paid job. We've had a joint bank account since we bought our house. He has never once commented about me spending money as it is our money. He earns the money, I do everything for the kids and house. I feel like I'm not contributing because I'm not contributing financially, but we're a team. You're married with children, you are a team, one member of the team shouldn't have to spend out on household stuff, childcare etc and be left with no 'spare' money while the other is rolling in it. Maybe suggest you go back to work full time and he will have to take on his fair share of paying childcare, groceries, housework etc and see how he feels about that? Makes me realise how lucky I am with DH, he's happy as long as I cook him nice meals and gets to buy the odd playstation game or book.

PurpleCrazyHorse Tue 22-Oct-19 08:28:31

He should be paying 50% of the childcare on the days you're both working (you pay the other 50%). He should then be paying you 100% of the childcare for the days you're at home with the children as you're enabling him to go out to work.

Both separate finances and pooled finances for couples can work but you need to be on the same page with neither feeling taken advantage of.

We felt it was right that we pooled especially when I was a SAHM. I was basically facilitating DH's career. He only had to worry about his working day, I dealt with the children, school run, nursery half days, sickness, school holidays. I was essentially a nanny and felt I should be 'paid' (ie. also have access to funds). DH would have to pay for a nanny if I wasn't here so why should I be sat with nothing while DH has loads of disposable cash due to free childcare? We have an allowance for personal spends though as we both have hobbies, plus it helps keep the budget on track.

TheMasterBaker Tue 22-Oct-19 08:34:50

@Tree We're the same here, my husband loves that 'I'm the boss' at home, he's a manager at work so he comes home, has his dinner, occasionally takes the bins out and that's his work done, he doesn't have to worry about cooking, ironing, finances etc. My being at home benefits us both, he doesn't have to worry about the bills, school runs, housework and I don't have to worry about work or a commute.

bookwormsforever Tue 22-Oct-19 08:53:49

* I work 2 days a week and my husband full time. After bills / food / kids activities and child care I have around £100 left, most of which gets spent on extra food, petrol etc but is my little buffer. My husband, after paying mortgage and bills has about £1250 left.*

So you pay all the childcare and for all kids activities?? It beggars belief that people think this is a sensible or fair way to run a relationship. He is not a good man if he's happy to hoard all his money and see you go without.

Sit down with him and write down all your income and outgoings. Look at the disposable income left at the end of the month and ask him if he thinks this is fair.

What doe she spend his money on?? Does he save?

What's he like with the kids and what's the rest of your relationship like?

Ask him how he would deal with the dc if you were not there to look after them, house them, feed them, take them to childcare, etc. He can only work because YOU facilitate him working.

heatingsoup Tue 22-Oct-19 09:06:47

But he's said you can have money if you ask for it and you've said you don't like asking.

Sit down and talk to him and split the bills in a way to give you more money if needed. Talk to him.

GettingABitDesperateNow Tue 22-Oct-19 09:12:44

If one parent has loads more money than they other when they both contribute roughly equally (and I'd count looking after children and dropping your hours to do so, as contributing), and doesnt give the other free access, and if one parent can spend freely while the other can't then I'd say this is financial abuse.

I'd be asking him to do more around the house, more drop off and pick ups, more emergency days off when the kids are sick and pay childcare so you can go to work so you can buy a new coat or go out for lunch or whatever takes your fancy

WhatFreshHell71 Tue 22-Oct-19 09:15:06

Family pot surely?

Youseethethingis Tue 22-Oct-19 09:16:45

I wonder what planet this delightful man is on? It must be nice there.

RockinHippy Tue 22-Oct-19 09:19:15

I'm sorry, but your DH is a financially controlling Dickhead.

No, that is not right be far & unless you have done some big financial cock up where you are solely to blame for a big debt, then he's an absolute arse fir saying that he doesn't give you more as your not good with money. Wow, like he's daddy & gets to say how it all goes. He's a wanker & you deserve someone who respects you much more.hmm

When DH was SAHP, he had full access to my bank account & my wages as it became our joint account. Now roles are reversed & he's back at work, he does exactly the same thing for me. All money is pooled & bills paid from that & what is left, belongs to both of us. We've been together over 20 years fir that reason, if he'd have tried to pull the selfish twunt stuff yours is doing, his bags would have been packed years ago

readingismycardio Tue 22-Oct-19 09:19:25

I can't understand couples who don't share finances either. It should be my money and his money (DH earns 5x times than I do), it's OUR money, as a family.

AmIThough Tue 22-Oct-19 09:21:00

Was it a joint decision that you'd work part time? Did you not discuss finances then?

Waveysnail Tue 22-Oct-19 09:21:22

Why dont younagree that he gives you x amount each month?

What does he do with the leftover money - spend/save?

Collision Tue 22-Oct-19 09:22:53

It’s not how our family works thank goodness

Talcott2007 Tue 22-Oct-19 09:25:11

Posts like this make me so cross - You should be a team. A partnership. Working together so that you all benefit! The work done inside the home is as valuable as the work done outside it. DH and I both earn good salaries. DH earns a little over twice what I earn and gets an annual bonus, he works very hard with long hours in the city and I have recently taken on a new job locally mainly to reduce the need for childcare doing 3.5 days so most of the domestic tasks and caring for DD weekdays falls to me because I'm the only one physically there - When DH is here he is engaged and involved with running our house too - cooking, cleaning, spending time with DD.

Our respective salaries go into our own accounts and we have a joint bank account we both pay a set amount into each month. All family related spending for bills, food, DD's activities etc come from this account. We then agreed what would be a fair split of this cost that would leave us both with money for 'ourselves' it's currently about 2/3 contribution from him and 1/3 from me. DH has way more savings even with him contributing 'more' than me but that's just how it is. Any out of the ordinary expenses are talked about - When we replaced our 8yr old TV last year - We both contributed towards that from our 'personal' money. DH will also occasionally say that the joint account is looking a bit low so he's added an Extra £XX as a buffer.

KatharinaRosalie Tue 22-Oct-19 09:33:30

If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job

Tell him that yes you will, organising child care, housework etc is now 50-50 task. I bet he won't be so amused.

So what do you pay and what does he? Proportionally to your income? There are various ways to share family money, but if one partner has taken a hit to their income due to childcare, then in my opinion, the fair option is one pot. Meaning you have 1300 left over every month to share between you 2.

Quartz2208 Tue 22-Oct-19 09:37:19

Does he pay anything towards his kids activities either. What does he do with his money

Is free time split as well

You ned to tell him housework childcare etc will need to be split

of course money should be shared you enable him to work that way - one pot split and both pay for the kids

Keepgoing88 Tue 22-Oct-19 10:11:18

Thanks for all the messages. Have poorly baby so not much chance to reply. Before we had our children I use to love shopping and aside from saving a little I would spend on clothes but always made sure not to get into debt and pay bills etc. I have changed this so much and now think I am very thrifty, I shop in cheaper shops where possible and manage to stay within my (very) tight food budget , occasionally i ask him for £50 If I'm running low but could food or kids essentials only. To be honest I don't necessarily NEED the money he has I can manage I just feel like I'm living such a frugal life all the time.
He keeps saying how he never wanted a third child which we have and I think he resents the (small) costs that brings ... My youngest is breastfed and lives in hand me downs so he's not that expensive!!!

Quartz2208 Tue 22-Oct-19 10:13:17

so he is punishing you and your children because of it.

He is letting his children live a frugal life as well

Kko1986 Tue 22-Oct-19 10:37:05

I've been with my husband for 11 years married 3 and we have an almost 2 year old, we have a joint account for Bill's, I have my own so does he. I work part time he works full time. He would never not share his money as he says it is our money. I could say to him oh could I have x amount to take daughter to soft play. Or could I have some money for a new coat he wouldn't begrudge me as I do work and I pay for the car he uses to go to work. I also raise our daughter. Once married it should be a clear share

LadyCarolinePooterVonThigh Tue 22-Oct-19 10:59:26

Poor baby! What a mean attitude. I hope he does actually love this child.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 22-Oct-19 11:04:30

Op you need a chat with him. It isn't fair in your scenario what's happening.
Go through the finances and explain to him /shoe him how it isn't fair nad agree a figure that works for you bothh.

SalemShadow Tue 22-Oct-19 11:33:23

Not being rude OP but how on earth does he expect you to manage with £100? It's completely unrealistic. You would be wise to get a full time job and then just do the bills and chores 50/50. I feel sorry you are having to manage with that measly budget

EKGEMS Tue 22-Oct-19 11:59:55

He never wanted a third child? Tell the stupid fucker he should've gotten a vasectomy then! What a shitty thing to say. I hope the cheap bastard realizes how much he'd be paying if you guys divorced.

YobaOljazUwaque Tue 22-Oct-19 14:12:30

ah so you married a shitweasel. Hmm.

AmIThough Tue 22-Oct-19 15:05:38

It's one thing saying you don't want a 3rd child when you find out you're pregnant - it's something else entirely once you choose to welcome an actual human into your family.

He's a prick and is using the child against you. This won't ever end well.

SonicVersusGynaephobia Tue 22-Oct-19 15:53:39

He never wanted a third child

He should have been more careful where he left his sperm then; I'm sure you didn't scoop it out of him.

HildaSnibbs Tue 22-Oct-19 16:11:50

I am so saddened and enraged by how many posts like yours there are on here OP, this is far from the first time I've read something like this.

And no it's not right, and it's not normal. Both incomes should go into a joint account and both partners should have free access to it, should have full visibility on bills, savings etc. Yes by all means agree a 'spending allowance' for yourselves (and it should be the same ££ for you both!) if you want to keep a lid on spending - but this 'asking him for money' 'it's his because he earns is' crap is utterly infuriating, sexist, regressive bollocks.

By the way I'm a SAHM and all DH's income goes into a joint account. Both of us spend what we want, when we want, because we trust each other and we're a team.

averylongtimeago Tue 22-Oct-19 16:20:36

So: you pay for all the food, his included? All the childcare, children's clothes, activities, haircuts etc?
I bet you do all the housework, cooking and shopping too.

What is he actually good for?
He sounds mean and nasty to me.

summersherewishiwasnt Tue 22-Oct-19 16:26:03

The 3rd child comment is awful.
I would ask him to pay this bill please
Childcare Invoice. And any other wife work you do for him.
I honestly would. You work full time caring for his children and keeping the home, that is worth something. He is tight fisted and that is very attractive.

summersherewishiwasnt Tue 22-Oct-19 16:26:50

Why are you paying for food from your two day per week salary ???? Wtaf!

Cheeserton Tue 22-Oct-19 16:26:54

If not pooling the money overall, clearly the higher earner needs to pay a bit proportion of the bills and general costs proportionate to their bigger income, leaving you with a more sensible residual amount each month from your own money. He's simply not paying enough, he doesn't need to give you spending money. You are paying too much.

Cheeserton Tue 22-Oct-19 16:27:27

Bigger proportion*

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