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To think our money should be shared?

(110 Posts)
Keepgoing88 Tue 22-Oct-19 05:51:03

Firstly I should say I'm not sure if I do think the money we have should be shared but I wasn't sure where to put this post!
I'm married and have 3 kids under 7. I work 2 days a week and my husband full time. After bills / food / kids activities and child care I have around £100 left, most of which gets spent on extra food, petrol etc but is my little buffer. My husband, after paying mortgage and bills has about £1250 left. I don't get any of that unless I ask. He claims it's coz I'm not great with money (I'm not too bad!). Sometimes I think maybe I should get more but I hate broaching the subject. If I ask and he has some he would give me money but I hate asking so just don't really spend much on myself. What would you do would you just ask for more money? If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job. My work is not that badly paid and the hours fit fairly well around DC so for now I don't see how I can do that.

Spanglyprincess1 Tue 22-Oct-19 05:55:38

If he won't then you can't make him. Did you not talk about how you would split costs when you had children? Could he take on more bills etc to give you more disposible income, may sit better as that's what I would do.
I would sit him down and say your increasing hours as per his suggestion so he need sto pay for before after school childcare on 1 or 2 additional days which will cost xyz.
Then discuss alternatives eg he gives you access to more money.
I know people will say he's abusive etc but I'm very against joint accounts having had a nasty ex from years ago so I'm prob a bit wierd! Me and dp don't share income but split 50:50 all costs even childcare but we both work full time so it's prob a bit different.

areyouafraidofthedark Tue 22-Oct-19 05:55:54

He definitely should be sharing some of his money with you. It's not just his money when he needs to contribute to the children and household.

TapDanceJazzHands Tue 22-Oct-19 05:55:55

As far as I see it you're doing a full time job with work & looking after the children too. (Unfortunately no one pays you for the childcare)

I'm in exactly the same position and my & DH have one bank account. We the get the same amount of personal spending money every month. It's the only fair way. He chose to have kids as much as me, & someone needs to care for them.

QueenofmyPrinces Tue 22-Oct-19 05:56:20

I’m sorry, but that is not right.

My husband works full time and I work part time. He brings home over twice what I do every month yet still everything is shared.

It isn’t his money and my money, it is OUR money as a family.

Genuinely, how can you want to be with someone who sees you go without whilst he has a £1’000 a month to spend?

SonicVersusGynaephobia Tue 22-Oct-19 05:57:09

Of course it should be shared money.

Him having £1200 and you only £100 is ridiculous.

Why does he think you're bad with money?

What does he spend his money on?

BuildBuildings Tue 22-Oct-19 06:00:09

So are you paying for the child care? Regardless it should be shared as you work only two days to look after your child. Which are also his children. So your lower wage is something you should both jointly have to deal with. Not just you have less money.

TapDanceJazzHands Tue 22-Oct-19 06:03:11

Also for him to say your bad with money is patronising and ridiculous.
If you have your own bank account and a personal allowance- it is your business what you buy IMO (as long as you're not getting into massive debt that would affect the family).

curlychocs Tue 22-Oct-19 06:06:40

I never understand this. You are a family. The money from both of you belongs to that family. We share all our money. We talk about any purchases. We make sure we have money to pay for any big expenses. We each take a bit into private account for things we want. To me this is how it should be. No arguments about who pays for what

UncomfortableSilence Tue 22-Oct-19 06:16:20

I just don't understand the mentality of keeping finances separate and how people live like this, these posts come up so often, you're a family, all this his money my money crap is wrong IMO.

You have a home and children and these are shared expenses, DH earns far more than me, both our salaries get paid into one joint account that all the DDs get paid from, we then put some money in our savings and what's left is for both of us to spend equally.

quincejamplease Tue 22-Oct-19 06:16:47

Who is paying for costs related to the children?

Please tell me you're not covering all of that alone? Because that would be looking like financial abuse...

Shoxfordian Tue 22-Oct-19 06:19:33

No this is wrong
You should jointly have 1300 left each month.
He's not acting like you're a team

LannieDuck Tue 22-Oct-19 06:32:32

Who's choice was it for you to go PT? Did he want you to pick up more of the childcare and drop your hours?

How would he respond to doing half the school/nursery run, half the sick days, half the child admin, half the housework etc around his current job?

I would be inclined to call his bluff and seek a FT job. But that may be something you don't want to do. If he wants you to work FT (and would be willing to pick up childcare etc as a result), and you only want to work PT, it's much harder to say that the money is 'family' money.

Teacher22 Tue 22-Oct-19 06:34:21

When I was young I saw that my father forced my mother to work when it wasn’t usual for mothers of small children to do so and, what is more, made her pay bills while his money was saved. He once bought a small cottage for cash he has so much put by. He was stingy and kept everyone short. When they divorced he tricked her into having a one off payment in lieu of proper maintenance and she ran through it in a moment and then hand two jobs to keep her two children.

I vowed never to marry or be exploited financially by a man like mum had been but met a decent man and we married and pooled our finances. It has worked very well for us as we trust each other. Whenever the DH strayed into ‘the money I earn’ territory I put him right immediately about it being our money. To keep independent I worked full time teaching for 34 years ( a killer) and, while I earned less than him, it was my sacrifices on the child, home, garden, decorating and maintenance front that allowed him to pursue a lucrative career.

At the very least, OP, you should share the childcare costs equally. And cost your domestic contributions to the family. If you had to pay others to do what you do ( with tax add ons ) you would be swallowing up ‘his’ £1200 odd ‘ pocket money’ a month. You are being economically exploited. However, you do need to be mature about how money is spent. I never, ever wasted family cash on ‘girly’ trash like nails, beauty treatments, spa days or ephemera like that. I had my hair cut, yes, and a cleaner, but then, so did he and the cleaner was for the house, not me. For his part, my DH never wasted money on lads’ days out or football or expensive hobbies.

I suppose it all comes down to trust in the end - but a serious readjustment needs to be made now if it is not too late.

Teacher22 Tue 22-Oct-19 06:35:40

Had not has and hand. Predictive text! Doh! Sorry.

willowmelangell Tue 22-Oct-19 06:35:46

What bills is he paying and what bills are you paying?
You are buying food, all the food for 5 people to live on?
I used to find it was the extras that broke me, kids haircuts or cinema tickets or kids shoes. My ex had gotten used to having money in his pocket when my f/t wages were coming in. After dc and then my p/t wages he still wanted the money in his pocket.
Will you increase your work hours and share childcare costs?

donquixotedelamancha Tue 22-Oct-19 06:36:32

What would you do would you just ask for more money?

I would not ask, I'd tell; that is your money. You have kids, you run a household, you are married, more than half your time is spent running the household. It is insane to separate finances in this situation.

If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job

Sit him down and speak to him. If he still says this then stop all joint chores and file for divorce. You will be miserable if you let this go on years, if divorced you will get maintenance and the chance to find an actual partner.

ForTheTimeBeing Tue 22-Oct-19 06:38:59

This doesn't sound like a marriage to me. You should jointly decide how to spend/save your JOINT income.

swingofthings Tue 22-Oct-19 06:39:41

He should of course be sharing but it sounds like the issue is your disagreement about what is wasting money as you think you're not bad he thinks you are.

So really, the question is what do you spend on that he thinks is a waste of money and you don't agree. To be fair, I find that quite a few of my friends waste a lot of money on stuff I consider a waste of money, but clearly they don't agree. Thankfully, my OH and I are totally on the same wavelength, so it's not an issue.

Blondebakingmumma Tue 22-Oct-19 06:41:30

You are basically paying for childcare on the days you are with the kids at home by sacrificing a potential income. He should pay for childcare when you work and because he earns more should be paying more towards bills and kids. I’m not sure I could have children with a man like this

LannieDuck Tue 22-Oct-19 06:43:24

Another thought is that most PT parents pick up more of the chores, but that's only fair if he's sharing his earnings.

If he keeps all his earnings, stop doing any of his 50% of chores/childcare.

CAG12 Tue 22-Oct-19 06:47:18

Why are you paying for the kids solely out of your wage?

We have a joint account, both pay in a set anount a month that covers monthly costs.

Switcher33 Tue 22-Oct-19 06:49:58

This is not a good situation OP. It is not fair on you at all.

Why are you the one paying for childcare? Because you're the woman??

ibanez0815 Tue 22-Oct-19 06:50:13

go back full time and share the bills - and housework.

of course it's not right but I couldn't live like that.

linentowel Tue 22-Oct-19 06:58:22

I couldn’t live like that. We live out of one account.

This isn’t right. It’s not right you have to ask for money either.

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