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To trust instincts on MIL’s DP

(57 Posts)
Toadtoadstool Tue 22-Oct-19 00:55:18

Name change as outing.

I’ve a history of being sexually abused as a child by both family and friends of the family. Ever since I get a gut instinct when I know someone’s going to be inappropriate or going to breach boundaries and 99/100 I’m right.

I have a gut feeling about MiL‘s DP. He’s not outright inappropriate, he does leer and sends overly nice (creepy) messages on occasion which are ignored. I just have this horrible feeling and I don’t trust him.

Myself and DP have had a row as he feels it’s unfair for me to not allow his DM overnight access just because I don’t want her partner around and stated if I feel so strongly about it I’ll have to explain to his DM as he isn’t doing it.

He feels it’s unfair to deprive his mum for a gut feeling I can’t justify but I know without a doubt if I ever found out the slightest inappropriate thing happened I’d never forgive myself or him.

AIBU to not allow overnight access for this reason? I’ve no issue with MiL watching DD throughout the day or coming to ours to watch her, I just feel strongly about overnights being a bad idea.

Just adding I don’t have trust issues with all men, only ones who give off a certain vibe or subtle things I pick up on.

Aroundnabout1 Tue 22-Oct-19 01:03:54

Firstly, why does your MIL have to have overnight visits? Secondly, you may not have any proof but they are your children and if you have a hunch they are at risk you probably have to follow that hunch.

MustShowDH Tue 22-Oct-19 01:07:41

Trust your instincts.

It's not for no reason either. He leers and sends creepy messages.

Jollitwiglet Tue 22-Oct-19 01:09:49

Not having overnights isn't depriving her. She can still spend plenty of time with your daughter and build a lovely bond together

Toadtoadstool Tue 22-Oct-19 01:11:25

I have no idea. She gets overnights with her other GC if it’s a special occasion like a romantic weekend away or an anniversary night.

DP thought I’d ask her on these types of days. Her other GC is male and dislikes overnights although this is mainly due to lack of playstations.

He’s set on me telling her the truth on why I don’t ask her to take DD overnight if she asks even though I said I’m sure there will be other reasons available.

I have close family more local I really trust.

FloraFox Tue 22-Oct-19 01:11:35

Trust your instincts. Tell your DP there’s no harm done if you are wrong but if you are right, how would he feel if MIL’s P did something to DD? Unless there are other GCs potentially at risk there’s no need to say anything to MIL. You might want to be a bit careful about DD being there during the day though. Abuse doesn’t only happen at night.

Toadtoadstool Tue 22-Oct-19 01:15:24

In an ideal world her time with DD would be on day trips or lunches or if she was watching her for a few hours she would come to ours and do so alone.

She could get picked up and dropped off for this so I don’t see it as an issue and the only thing I’d have to say is DD’s home comforts are here so she’d be less fussy.

DP does think I’m BU though as I don’t know the guy but he’s been in the family years and DP doesn’t know him either which speaks volumes to me.

Whatamidoing157 Tue 22-Oct-19 01:15:46

Not unreasonable at all. You could be wrong but it’s not worth the risk and you have good reason to feel uncomfortable

WagtailRobin Tue 22-Oct-19 01:19:04

Whether your gut feeling is right or wrong doesn't really matter but what does matter is she is your child and if you are uncomfortable with her spending the night at her Grandmother's with the partner present, then you absolutely have the right to not allow it.

He may be completely harmless but it's a risk too great to take. Would you not consider telling the Grandmother about your past? I only suggest it because perhaps if she knew she would be more sensitive and not ask for an overnight again. Your past isn't her business of course but she will very likely understand why you're cautious. (Obviously you wouldn't need to come out with an accusation against her partner, but you could broach the subject in a more subtle way). I think speaking to her would also help reassure you going forward in the sense it would stop any future requests from her and stop any arguments with your partner.

managedmis Tue 22-Oct-19 01:20:18

, he does leer and sends overly nice (creepy) messages on occasion which are ignored.


To whom does he send these messages?!

DonKeyshot Tue 22-Oct-19 01:24:43

Trust your instincts but be aware that sexual abuse can happen at any time of the day or night.

I suggest you call 101 or visit your local police station and make an application under Sarah's Law to find out whether your instincts are correct.

Toadtoadstool Tue 22-Oct-19 01:25:33

@managedmis he sends me messages on Facebook on occasion just overly nice “hey honey how are you?” Or “how are you two beautiful ladies getting on“ which don’t sound overly bad but give me that horrible feeling. He’s stopped after I ignored his last few attempts of conversation.

DP thinks he’s just a nice guy who is bored cause he’s stuck working and doesn’t have family of his own but he doesn’t message DP.

Toadtoadstool Tue 22-Oct-19 01:29:52

I’m totally not against telling MiL about my past and seeing if she maybe understands why I’d be more comfortable with her babysitting alone. She’s very loud and opinionated though so it would be 50/50 chance of her taking offence.

I really can’t take risks with DD, I’d deal with every awkward conversation to take steps to keep her safe.

Glad I’m not BU. DP will just have to trust me on this one.

StillCoughingandLaughing Tue 22-Oct-19 01:31:56

I would concentrate on the facts for now - he has sent you messages that make you feel uncomfortable. That is reason enough to keep an eye on his behaviour.

BumblePan Tue 22-Oct-19 01:42:55

Trust you gut! She is your daughter and your instinct is to protect her.

BillHadersNewWife Tue 22-Oct-19 02:03:43

Just stick to "I'm not comfortable with DD having sleepovers at the moment"

You don't need to explain anything but having said that, if you allow your child to spend ANY unsupervised time at MIL"s then you will be putting them at risk if the man IS a pervert.

You could have him checked out you know.

StoppinBy Tue 22-Oct-19 02:09:04

My sister asked to stay at my house (outside in a tent as it would be her, her new partner and her two boys so we don't have space inside), I said no, solely based on the fact that would give her new partner who I neither know or trust unsupervised access to my house/kids while we are asleep.

If you don't feel right about it then don't do it. You can all live with the decision to not allow over nights with you MIL's partner but no one would be able to live with themselves if something happened.

I too would find the messages over friendly and they would bother me a lot. How long have you known him/how long has he been with your MIL?

Blondebakingmumma Tue 22-Oct-19 02:13:09

If you won’t need overnight babysitting in the near future I think you can park the issue with your husband and readdress when it arises. In the meantime get to know him better and contact police if you are still suspicious.

I just don’t think it’s worth the argument if it’s unlikely you will need overnight help for a few years. MIL may even not be with her DP any more at that point.

I do agree with PP that abuse can still happen during a day visit. I’m not sure how you navigate this

Toadtoadstool Tue 22-Oct-19 09:38:31

@StoppinBy I’ve only known him 3 years but he’s been with MIL for around 10.

I think my DP’s issue is he knows overnights will be on the horizon but I’ve made it clear it will be my mum or sister who has DD. DM stays alone and DSis would stay at my home when babysitting. He thinks it’s BU to expect him to make excuses when his mum asks why she’s not asked, which he sees as inevitable. In order to keep the peace with us I think I’ll need to bite the bullet and explain to her myself when the time comes.

mbosnz Tue 22-Oct-19 09:47:33

Why is your DP so hellbent on telling MIL 'the real reason'? That's just cutting off his nose to spite his face, going out of his way to make trouble worse.

I'd be asking DP how he could live with himeself, or look either you or DD in the eye if it turned out your gut instinct was correct.

I've always told my kids, 'you've got an alarm bell in your gut, if it rings, you run, and don't worry about looking silly or upsetting somebody, we'll sort that out later if need be'. You have the same right, along with parental responsibility, to listen to your well informed gut instinct.

There is no deprivation here, there's just balancing allowing the grandparental relationship with your safeguarding responsibilities towards your child.

Toadtoadstool Tue 22-Oct-19 09:54:55

His DM was very controlling his full life I think he feels the need to tell her the truth for this. He says he’s no issue with me refusing her DP is near DD but I have to tell his DM why.
Thinks the good chance of her being supportive rather than annoyed is enough.

His DM is loud and over opinionated and I know she will make a huge deal to his family. I just think using the other excuses would work until she stopped asking.

saraclara Tue 22-Oct-19 10:04:38

Why would your dh risk huge family grief by telling her the reason?

Let's work on the assumption that this guy is just a bit socially inept. Imagine how she'd feel to be told that her DIL thinks he might be a sexual abuser. Do you really think she's going to take that easily?

Not that I'm not saying you're wrong not you allow overnights if your instincts are saying no. I'm just being realistic about how anyone would take that information.

It's not like she's even asked or questioned anything yet. And these big events are hardly likely to happen that often that is clear that you're only asking your family.

I think he needs you really face up to what it would do to the family for your suspicions to be voiced without any evidence other than a couple of clumsy messages.

Toadtoadstool Tue 22-Oct-19 10:08:01

Going to show him these responses and hopefully he gets it. I think as a man he doesn’t like the judgement on men we don’t know. I can’t help how I feel and I’m not remotely willing to risk it.

NoSauce Tue 22-Oct-19 10:13:17

This could tear your husbands family apart if he tells her. Based on what? Over familiar texts and him being leery. It’s a mess because if you let your mum and sister have overnight visits your MIL will at some point want to know why she can’t.

Maybe just say no to sleepovers full stop.

What else does he do that creeps you out? Do you deep down think he’s a paedophile?

TheMustressMhor Tue 22-Oct-19 10:18:04

I think you do have a developed sixth sense when it comes to abusers, just as I have a sixth sense about violent husbands, having had one in the past.

Trust your instincts, OP.

I do not know whether your DH is being unreasonable to ask you to explain things to his mother, though.

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