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Should my boyfriend contribute to my bills?

(122 Posts)
ILikePaperHats Mon 21-Oct-19 19:50:42

Hi, just need some advice really as I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. My boyfriend doesn't live with me but often comes to mine 1-2 days in the week and stays at mine most of the weekend too. He lives in a shared house with one other house mate and only pays about £300 a month plus bills. I am divorced with 2 kids (their dad has them 2 nights every week and pays minimal maintenance) and am self employed so my income fluctuates but usually only about 16k a year. My boyfriend earns twice as much as me and has no dependants. He buys food quite often although I regularly give him half the money, and he makes use of my shower (I'm on a water meter), gas and electricity. I am hardly ever invited to his house as he says there's nothing to do(!) there, and it's true that my house is nicer, more homely, near nice bars and restaurants etc. I have no inclination to ask him to move in as I like my independent life and don't want to rely financially on a man but AIBU to expect him to contribute a bit to bills? When he's at mine using my utilities he's not having to pay for his own. He bought me a hot tub last summer which was very generous of him but it's cost me a fortune to run and I'm currently £250 in debt on my gas and electric bill and with winter coming up I'm quite worried. Often he will turn up at mine and if the heating isn't on he will turn on my electric fire without asking. I have asked him to give me £100 towards my electric bill as he had lots of use of the hot tub this summer but he's making out I'm being really mean to ask and that he shouldn't have to pay that much as he doesn't think it's all because of the hot tub. Thanks for reading.

Suzanne12 Mon 21-Oct-19 19:54:22

Maybe just tell him not to turn the fire on and that he can't shower at yours as you're on a meter. Then he can decide for himself if he wants to contribute or live without.

CAG12 Mon 21-Oct-19 19:54:44

Erm, maybe for the hot tub.

No to the bills, I think you're being a bit unreasonable there. Unless you can work out just how much hes used I guess?! Id be a bit miffed if my bf handed me a utilities bill at the end of each month tbh.

Does he know youre in debt?

ILikePaperHats Mon 21-Oct-19 19:56:23

Yes he knows I'm in debt on my gas and electric bill

Idontwanttotalk Mon 21-Oct-19 19:57:11

Sell your hot tub as you cannot afford to run it. It is yours as he bought it you as a present.

tigger001 Mon 21-Oct-19 19:58:01

Sell the hot tub, clear your gas/electricity bill and don't have him stay around if he's costing you too much and won't leave the fire alone.

PanamaPattie Mon 21-Oct-19 19:58:52

Cocklodger. I would sell the hot tub to pay off some of the debt. He's practically living with you so I would expect him to contribute to your costs. He can stop coming around so often if he doesn't want to pay.

PippiDeLena Mon 21-Oct-19 19:58:59

Wow, definitely sell the hot tub. It sounds like a money pit.

Mephisto Mon 21-Oct-19 19:59:15

YANBU! Can’t believe the above responses, he’s at yours 3-4 days per week, OF COURSE he should go contribute.

At the very least stop paying him half for the food. He should contribute a third of your bills too.

ILikePaperHats Mon 21-Oct-19 19:59:30

@Idontwanttotalk
That would be difficult as although it is kept at mine, he thinks the hot tub is at least half his, and he has no room for it at his house.

PookieDo Mon 21-Oct-19 20:01:11

Ooh a stingy one... what a catch
1-2 days a week and 2 days of the weekend is more than half of the week. Do you claim benefits as they could be at risk if he contributes to be honest

YANBU
He sounds like a twat. Hot tub sounds nice but very impractical and not Helpful at all. He bought himself a hot tub but had nowhere to put it except in your garden where you pay to run it and probably clean it?

Ragwort Mon 21-Oct-19 20:01:29

Tell him to sod off, if he wants to date you he can take you out for a meal or to the cinema, he’s probably only interested in being at your house to keep warm (in more ways than one wink. There is another very similar thread on here about an absolute cock lodger of a boyfriend.

Cloudyyy Mon 21-Oct-19 20:03:35

It doesn’t sound as though he should be paying your bills to be honest. Stop him from putting youjt fire on unless you want it though and get rid of the hot tub!

TowelNumber42 Mon 21-Oct-19 20:04:16

3-4 days a week at yours?

Add up all the waking hours you spend at home and then look at for how many of those waking hours is he present at your house. I bet you'll find he's there for more than 50% of those.

Definitely sell the hot tub to pay off debt.

It's a shocker if he's moaning about £100 to contribute as a one off. It is a bad sign that he bought the hot tub too. He wanted a hot tub so he bought one but you have to house it, run it and maintain it. Pffffft. He has it awful sweet with you.

Chickychoccyegg Mon 21-Oct-19 20:06:57

He should definitely be paying towards bills, he is at yours a lot, and absolutely tell him the hot tub goes, they're expensive to run.

timshelthechoice Mon 21-Oct-19 20:08:46

Think of it this way: you are paying to have a boyfriend here. Think how long it will take you, in work, to pay off every penny of that debt that you would not have if it were not for your boyfriend, every single minute and penny that you could have spent on your kids or yourself. Now ask yourself if you are 'mean' to expect someone who is lodging at yours 3-4 week to pay for himself.

I'd put a stop to the overnight visits, tbh. He's doing the classic cocklodger tactic of moving in by stealth whilst shutting down discussion of contributing to his share of the bills.

TiddlesTheTiger Mon 21-Oct-19 20:09:04

The hot tub is half his? So it wasn't a generous gift at all.
Sell it anyway, and give him half.

Tell him you can't afford extra heating or food for his visits.
Let him work out what to do about that.

MissLadyM Mon 21-Oct-19 20:11:49

Congratulations you have a very selfish cocklodger. You need ground rules, he's taking the piss.

TiddlesTheTiger Mon 21-Oct-19 20:12:14

P.s. Maybe he'll be annoyed when you sell the hot tub, and he'll split with you.
Result! smile

Fizzypoo Mon 21-Oct-19 20:12:19

Sounds very cheap and grabby on his part. I'd hate to be with a stingy man.

Before DP moved in he was staying over every weekend fri to Monday morning. Dp did a weekend food shop, took me out every friday and paid for whatever weekend activities we did.

If he had bought us a hot tub and then refused to pay half of the upkeep when he knew I was in debt because of it I'd split up with him.

MissConductUS Mon 21-Oct-19 20:15:11

Heating water takes a huge amount of energy. That's why it takes so long to boil a big pot of water for pasta. So yes, get rid of the hot tub. If he gave it to you why does he think it's half his?

Unplug the hot tub for a month and show him what happens to your electric bill.

Does he ever take you and the kids for days out or meals?

Gardai Mon 21-Oct-19 20:15:26

Drain the hot tub if you can’t sell it and don’t let him shower or turn the heat on as you can’t afford it...or finish with him because he’s a mean man.

HugoSpritz Mon 21-Oct-19 20:16:38

Hot tubs cost a fortune to run. So either ask him to take it home or stump up for running costs. Just buy your own food and don't cook for him at yours anymore. If he asks where his dinner is tell him you can't afford to subsidise his life anymore. If he turns your fire on and you don't want it on - turn it off again! Sit him down and tell him what you have told us.

timshelthechoice Mon 21-Oct-19 20:18:43

Thinks it's half his with you footing hte bill to run it? Honestly, grow a spine! 'I'm in debt running the hot tub. Selling it and we'll split the proceeds' and then get rid of him he's fucking stingy, tight and cocklodging.

apple0pie Mon 21-Oct-19 20:18:52

If he's your boyfriend chat to him? Explain you are on a very low income and struggle to pay bills if he is worth it he will understand if he doesn't he's better off going

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