Talk

Advanced search

Not going to kids party after accepting invitation

(186 Posts)
Donkeydoodles Mon 21-Oct-19 11:49:44

My 4 year old was invited to 'Child A's' birthday party the other week. I know the mum from a group of mums I hang about with but our kids don't really know each other. It was very kind of her to invite my daughter and we accepted.

In the mean time my daughter has been invited to a nursery friend's party (Child B). This is someone she's good friends with and she's desperate to go.

I think we should probably go to Child B's party as she barely knows Child A and we were probably only invited out of politeness as all the mums socialise. Child A probably won't be disappointed that my daughter isn't at her party, as she probably doesn't actually know who she is! However, I feel it's pretty poor form to now say we can't go to because we essentially 'got a better offer'.

I really like Child A's mum and don't want to be a d*ck. Is it unreasonable to tell her we can't come because we've been invited to another party?

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 22-Oct-19 16:54:50

3w is def not too early to send out invites

Esp if want people there

People make plans at weekends so notice is needed

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 22-Oct-19 16:56:22

MAybe say to b mum as you know her well

Could she change time of party to start 30m after other one

Esp if you say a few will be invited to both

TatianaLarina Tue 22-Oct-19 18:56:29

Someone I like better : the very definition of 'better offer'.

Nooo. Someone DD is close friends with vs someone she barely knows.

Idontlikeitsomuch Tue 22-Oct-19 19:22:43

"Someone DD is close friends with vs someone she barely knows."

But she only started school a few months ago. The joy of starting big boy/girl school is to make new friends outside of parent's influence and comfort zone of sticking with nursery friends. If she cancel the A's party and go to B's, she might hurt A's feeling and maybe kill the great future friendship.

TatianaLarina Tue 22-Oct-19 22:37:55

She’s 4, she’s got plenty of time in her life to make new friends...

Beesandcheese Tue 22-Oct-19 23:13:01

No one turned up to my child's 11th birthday. Turned out some other child on the class booked something obviously more exciting that same day.
To be honest no one ever apologised, felt awful or even warned us. A hell of a lot of people just don't give a shot about anyone's feelings but they're own. Just do what you want. It's absolutely what everyone else would do.

cheercaptain Wed 23-Oct-19 07:17:22

In OP's situation, we will go to Child A's party because we have accepted the invite and it is the right thing to do. It wouldn't have mattered that the birthday child and your DC are not close if there was no Child B's party and it still shouldn't. The only time we would ever consider which to go for is if we had received the 2 invitations and were trying to decide which to accept and in that situation we will accept Child B's over Child A.

LellyMcKelly Wed 23-Oct-19 07:30:47

You go to child A’s party and tell child B’s mum that you can’t attend because there’s an over,ap and you’ve already accepted the child A invite. You can do something with child B later.

VeganCow Wed 23-Oct-19 08:53:05

I would be honest and say face to face to friend something like "god dd has been going on about nursery friends party, and I've told her its on the same day as yours and she doesnt understand why she can't go to both" and see what she says, chances are she will give you your way out without you having to say anything else

ThatMuppetShow Wed 23-Oct-19 09:03:10

No one turned up to my child's 11th birthday. Turned out some other child on the class booked something obviously more exciting that same day.

that's disgusting. Your son is very unlucky to have fallen into such a shit class. It's not even about manners, it's basic consideration for others. When you read so many of the comments on here, you can see where people come from, it's so sad.

ThatMuppetShow Wed 23-Oct-19 09:05:21

chances are she will give you your way out without you having to say anything else

what else can she do? You are telling her you got a better offer and you want to go instead of a second-rate party, you are still being rude. She'll just roll her eyes inwardly and think "good riddance". It's still a shitty thing to do, you could have just declined when you were first invited if the party wasn't good enough for you.

MyOtherProfile Wed 23-Oct-19 09:05:56

I always tell my kids we stick with the first arrangement made unless there's a very good reason to back out.
Child A is someone your DC will be with for years in school unless you move so I would stick with that.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 09:07:42

"She’s 4, she’s got plenty of time in her life to make new friends..."

Obviously, but that is not the point though. A invited her maybe because she wanted to be friend with her. And she accepted it. Even 4 year old feel hurt, don't you think? It's a difficult situation for parents of 4 year old who really don't understand the consequences. But then it's parent's responsibility to make it right, or at least try to minimize the pain other child feels. Each to their own, but I cannot but to think about what does my child feel if same thing happened to them.

ThatMuppetShow Wed 23-Oct-19 09:13:45

I really cannot understand the need for such rudeness and drama, it's a 4 year old party.

You get an invit for a day you've already made plans, you decline, and if the 2 kids are such good friends, you take them both to McDonald or get a couple of cupcakes and have a playdate at home to celebrate the little friend's birthday.

Why making life so complicated or make yourself look like an entitled and rude idiot?

Idontwanttotalk Wed 23-Oct-19 09:17:18

I think you should attend A's party because you accepted the invitation and you need to teach children to honour commitments that are made.

Perhaps you shouldn't have accepted an invitation where your child doesn't know A but it is done now. Maybe your child and A will turn out to be best friends with each other.

If you have since had the invitation to child B's party you should automatically have responded that you have a prior engagement.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 10:16:20

A invited her maybe because she wanted to be friend with her. And she accepted it.

A’s mother invited her because she is friends with the OP. OP has said the child will not be disappointed as she didn’t really know who DD is.

In that circumstance it’s perfectly ok to say that a close friend is having a party on the same day and DD is desperate to go to that.

It’s not a question of a ‘better offer’ or ‘second rate’ and only the very socially paranoid would think like that. Nor is it a question of a whole class choosing another child’s party. It is one child, for a particular reason.

Lizzie0869 Wed 23-Oct-19 10:31:54

Some posters are reacting strongly to this thread, I think this is because they're forgetting that the children concerned here are only 4 years old, so it's very unlikely that child A is going to feel rejected if the OP's DD doesn't come to the party. They barely know each other! Instead, it's a case of the OP knowing her mum.

As you did accept the invitation, I think you should stick with that and arrange a play date with child B. But I can't imagine being offended if a friend came to me with a similar dilemma. Not when the 2 girls barely know each other.

TheOrigRightsofwomen Wed 23-Oct-19 11:29:58

Some posters are reacting strongly to this thread

I think these might be the people who have been the parent of child A. There are loads of threads on here describing how people have dropped out at the last minute. It's not nice.

itsmecathycomehome Wed 23-Oct-19 12:38:16

"Nor is it a question of a whole class choosing another child’s party."

"OP has said the child will not be disappointed."

You don't know this for sure and neither does op.

Every time an upset mum posts here to say that people are dropping out of her child's party, the universal cry is 'what a load of heartless bastards.'

Well maybe they're not. Maybe, like op, they all just think that the party child won't care and they won't be missed because everyone else will still attend.

It's never too early to teach good manners and a bit of integrity imo.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 12:54:16

What people cry on this forum is neither here nor there.

If the children are all at school together and know each other it’s a slightly different issue. When two school friends have a party on the same day and half the class choose one over the other it’s tough.

That is not the case here. It is one child. And the party girl doesn’t actually know the child.

And as for manners on here - posters ‘lose their shit’ in Asda, ‘call people out’ in the street, and charge for drinks at weddings. This is not about manners, it’s about social anxiety.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 13:10:50

TatianaLarina, I think we need to agree to disagree. In my eyes, it's a great opportunity to extend friendship with someone who she never really knew. And if she hasn't accepted the invitation yet, it's totally ok to choose friend over someone she barely knows.
I think different from you, and you different from me. Perhaps you never had experience like that, being let down, and that's fine. And you can call me socially paranoid all you like, but I care for what other person, especially a 4 year old child feel. I think there is nothing wrong with that, do you? You say it's one child, but how do you know? If everyone thought that way, it's only one, so it really doesn't matter?

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 13:17:04

"This is not about manners, it’s about social anxiety."

No it's not. It's about caring for other people's feeling. As for me, I wouldn't care about what other people think about me, I care about what child A feel, if Op's dc cancelled A's party and went to B's party. They are not mature enough to keep it a secret.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 13:57:04

But you don’t care about your DD’s feelings or DD’s friend’s feelings, simply random child A because you’re projecting all your social anxiety onto her.

Given that OP’s child and girl A don’t know each other she’s hardly likely to find out she went to another party. She’s 4. She may not even know who’s been invited.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 14:14:10

How do you know? Op says mums hang about together as a group, but their kids don't really know each other. She never said A doesn't know OP's dd.

Like I said, each to their own. You not caring for 4 year old's feeling doesn't bother me. But A might. We never know. That is the biggest issue here, that you may potentially hurt someone. Why can we all speculate? Op is not being unreasonable to ask questions, but you are.

Lizzie0869 Wed 23-Oct-19 14:14:36

Given that OP’s child and girl A don’t know each other she’s hardly likely to find out she went to another party. She’s 4. She may not even know who’s been invited.

^This. My DDs didn't really express an interest in the guest list until after they started school. The girls in question haven't started school. I wouldn't be at all surprised if child A doesn't even know that the OP's DD was coming to her party.

But the OP's friend could well be hurt, especially if other mums followed suit.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »