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Not going to kids party after accepting invitation

(186 Posts)
Donkeydoodles Mon 21-Oct-19 11:49:44

My 4 year old was invited to 'Child A's' birthday party the other week. I know the mum from a group of mums I hang about with but our kids don't really know each other. It was very kind of her to invite my daughter and we accepted.

In the mean time my daughter has been invited to a nursery friend's party (Child B). This is someone she's good friends with and she's desperate to go.

I think we should probably go to Child B's party as she barely knows Child A and we were probably only invited out of politeness as all the mums socialise. Child A probably won't be disappointed that my daughter isn't at her party, as she probably doesn't actually know who she is! However, I feel it's pretty poor form to now say we can't go to because we essentially 'got a better offer'.

I really like Child A's mum and don't want to be a d*ck. Is it unreasonable to tell her we can't come because we've been invited to another party?

flouncyfanny Mon 21-Oct-19 13:47:07

Donkey you have load of time, cancel on A - neither kid will give a monkeys as they don't even know each other.

TatianaLarina Mon 21-Oct-19 13:47:30

^ don't see how weighing up two options and trying to look at things from multiple points of view makes me such a terrible person.^

I sympathise OP. A lot of people on this forum are socially incompetent/introverted/socially anxious.

This thread is really peculiar.

If a mum whose DD my DD barely knew told me she was in a fix as she’d accepted our invite but had been cross-invited by one of her DD’s bfs, I’d just say of course she should go to that. No worries at all.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Mon 21-Oct-19 13:51:06

It is fine to decline politely ..I would say to mum A I am really sorry we arent going to be able to make the party,Be kind and send a card and prezzie as you would have done the day before at school.

Brefugee Mon 21-Oct-19 13:51:37

This is exactly the kind of attitude that leads to our current crop of flaky adults. It's all about instant gratification.

agree with this. In the olden days we agreed and went. I noticed as my DC were growing up that they couldn't even arrange to meet anywhere, because I'd be on the way and they'd say "oh mum, we'Re not meeting at X now because Y is still getting ready so we're going to Y's house" sometimes twice in a very short journey.

It's bloody rude.

However. OP - how about mentioning to B's mum that there's a clash? and if she doesn't want to change, come clean to A and say your daughter would rather go to B's party and why.

ThatMuppetShow Mon 21-Oct-19 13:54:49

It is fine to decline politely
absolutely.
But that ship has sailed, the OP has already accepted.

Donkeydoodles Mon 21-Oct-19 13:57:41

ThatMuppetShow

Actually if I was Child A's mum, I'd be fine with it, as Child A wouldn't be disappointed that a child she barely knows isn't there.

However, I realise that not everyone thinks in the same way as me, hence I'm looking for other people's opinions. I guess being able to weigh up alternative viewpoints is lost on you though...

Irisloulou Mon 21-Oct-19 14:00:53

The first accepted offer.

Bad manners otherwise.

Lizzie0869 Mon 21-Oct-19 14:05:48

*don't see how weighing up two options and trying to look at things from multiple points of view makes me such a terrible person.*

Exactly. It would only be rude if you actually pulled out without telling her., that's something that some parents do and it's extremely bad form. I personally wouldn't even be offended if you explained to me your dilemma, as it's one I can understand very well.

It's certainly not rude to be considering this, as the mum of child A doesn't know the OP has this dilemma.

springcomeround Mon 21-Oct-19 14:06:07

stick to child a’s Party , teach your child what the right thing to do is - organise a play date with child b

MadeForThis Mon 21-Oct-19 14:06:43

If you go to child B'a party could your other friends follow suit? That could really effect numbers.

Honestly I would get someone else to take dd to child b's party. Offer to help out at your friends party.

Be honest though.

BentBastard Mon 21-Oct-19 14:13:30

Of course you go to the party you accepted.

The fact that so many people are suggesting you let down child A explains my daughters wash out party recently where several attendees suddenly realised they were double booked (aka had a better offer). It's shitty, but then people are shitty.

NarwhalsNarwhals Mon 21-Oct-19 14:16:41

Is child B's party at home too? You said there might be a few people affected, it might be worth mentioning the clash to both parents.

DD and a girl in her class had birthdays a few days apart so often had parties the same Saturday, we used to work round each other.

ThatMuppetShow Mon 21-Oct-19 14:18:13

I think when it's a child party ,it's horrible. It's a big thing for them, it's not just one party among many.

If people decline from the start, fine, you can invite the "reserve" list, you can make other plans, it's easy to solve.
Once they have accepted, you've secured the party -whatever you've booked - it's much harder.

I can't understand why anyone think it's perfectly fine to go to a better offer. Don't accept the 1st invitation in the first place if you don't like it!

TatianaLarina Mon 21-Oct-19 14:27:41

It’s not a question of being a better offer. The issue that it is a close friend whereas the OP’s DD doesn’t really know A’s DD.

Halo1234 Mon 21-Oct-19 14:34:45

I agree with go to child A party. Buy both a small present. And invite child b for a play day.

Wonkybanana Mon 21-Oct-19 14:37:53

I don't think I can make up a BS excuse because other mums in our group will know about Child B's party.

So if your DD goes to B's party instead, there's a good chance the other mums will find out. And then you might discover that there aren't as many invitations coming DD's way if they think you're someone who will accept then not go if there's a better offer later.

flouncyfanny Mon 21-Oct-19 14:38:37

I agree with Tatiana

If a mum whose DD my DD barely knew told me she was in a fix as she’d accepted our invite but had been cross-invited by one of her DD’s bfs, I’d just say of course she should go to that. No worries at all.

BlouseAndSkirt Mon 21-Oct-19 14:40:16

Fudge it. "Aaargh, reallly sorry, I have only just realised that that Saturday is nursery friends party - sorry I have double booked ourselves" and send card and small present.
Then invite that friend and her Dd over for a coffee and play sometime.

Nonnymum Mon 21-Oct-19 14:43:02

I would tell the Mum the truth. Apologise and say you would hav elives to have gone to the party but your child has been invited to her best friends party and is desperate to go.

howabout Mon 21-Oct-19 14:50:23

BlouseAndSkirt has it.

Much better way for two 4 year olds to get to know each other than when the b'day girl is overwhelmed at her party and your DD is perplexed at celebrating at a party for a girl she doesn't know.

LittleDancers Mon 21-Oct-19 14:56:03

I'd tell Mum A the truth. I had the same once, I sent out invites to a party and got declines back because (mutual child) was having a party and it clashed. I moved my child's party once it became apparent there was more than one or two already accepted for the other party. I was happier to know this than just having a load of declines with different excuses rather than being told there was another party on. I might have thought my child was majorly unpopular otherwise! I know it's a bit different because you have already accepted but still I think it's better to be informed sometimes, especially if there's a few others who might follow suit.

Applesanbananas Mon 21-Oct-19 14:58:03

Honestly dont tie yourself in knots over this. Tell the mum your dd is now only talking about B birthday and will be gutted if she doesnt go. She invited you out of politeness in any case. The point here is it's not the same as your child accepting an invite and then dropping it for something better. Its you who chose for her and be honest, you just dont want to be in bad books with the mum. It is not for your daughters benefit to make her go to A party.

MrsNoMopp Mon 21-Oct-19 14:59:12

If you see someone as unimportant and cancellable, it's probably best not to accept their invitation in the first place.

TSSDNCOP Mon 21-Oct-19 15:03:17

Go to the party you accepted.

Next year you’ll know to keep the date for B.

The lesson here is let the kids chose their friends and parties.

Idontlikeitsomuch Mon 21-Oct-19 15:06:40

are the parties on a same day and at exactly same time? If not, can you go to both?

BillieEilish Mon 21-Oct-19 15:22:23

Do none of you remember/realise how stressful it is organising what will probably be your DC's first 'proper' Birthday party? The FEAR that people won't turn up?

FGS of course Mum A will say it is fine, but it will strike the fear in her and she won't see you in a favourable light again, I would imagine.

Your DC will have a good time at both and they end in tears usually anyway. Playdate later with B, good idea.

Trillis Mon 21-Oct-19 15:22:47

Seriously, your DD is 4 and her and child A barely know each other. I would simply be honest with child A mum, apologise ,and say that your DD is desperate to go to party of child B, who she is really good friends with and that you accepted before you realised there would be a clash.

By all means get a small present for child A anyway, but I think your DD is still a little young for this sort of lesson, and may well be upset if the others at nursery talk about the party and she feels she has missed out.

Shelby2010 Mon 21-Oct-19 20:11:20

None of the children will remember a week later, but the parents will. If this is a group of mum friends that you like then this is a good chance for your dd to integrate into the group. Stick with the invite you have accepted.

TatianaLarina Mon 21-Oct-19 20:57:29

I’ve never felt fear at my children’s birthday parties.

I think some posters are projecting their own issues.

TatianaLarina Mon 21-Oct-19 20:58:27

If I had invited a child my DD didn’t know and she had an invite from a close friend, I would say it was completely fine and mean it 100%.

Ginger1982 Mon 21-Oct-19 21:00:46

And how are you going to feel if Child A's mum finds out you went to Child B's party instead?

You accepted the invite for A's first. You go to A's party.

TatianaLarina Mon 21-Oct-19 21:03:20

None of the children will remember a week later, but the parents will

I still remember my 4th birthday party and I’m nearly 50.

Whoops75 Mon 21-Oct-19 21:17:39

No need for a life lesson at 4yrs old

Plus 3 weeks is way to early to send invitations for a birthday party.
Was mom A trying to get all the guests first??

Tell her you forgot the other party was on and had promised dd she could go to that one. Why should your dd go to a party to save your mistake. That would be really mean if you, B is her friend !!!

You made the mistake she shouldn’t have to be the one upset.

Oblomov19 Mon 21-Oct-19 21:19:44

Many people take their kids to both parties. I know quite a few mums that did.

I took Ds2 to one party. Gave a present. (Isn't that the main thing the host kid cares about? 😉)

But had already text mum/told her I was leaving early because Ds2 was also invited to 'Ben's' party.

Easy. No lying. Best of both worlds!

ThatMuppetShow Mon 21-Oct-19 22:09:42

Plus 3 weeks is way to early to send invitations for a birthday party.

I completely disagree, it's completely standard most families make plans and won't be available for last minute invitations.

Especially when parents book a venue or some entertainment, why on earth would they wait to tell their guests? might as well invite them when you know it's on.

Was mom A trying to get all the guests first?? confused
as in, trying to invite them before they made other plans? Isn't that what invitations are designed for in the first place?

ThatMuppetShow Mon 21-Oct-19 22:10:39

Many people take their kids to both parties.
how on earth could that work when parties are at the same time? Sounds ridiculous.

notdaddycool Mon 21-Oct-19 22:22:32

Go there for an hour then go to the other one.

howabout Tue 22-Oct-19 09:40:01

Leaving a 4 year old's party early when it's at their house and you will be noticed is really bad form.

Has no-one ever experienced a party where everyone just pops in to show face and the host is left waving them all off at the door with a table of uneaten food and not enough guests for the games? Turning up late and making a show of yourself / standing left out in the corner at the 2nd party is just as bad.

I have a friend who always block books her visiting. Wouldn't be so bad if she had any sense of time. She usually arrives late and spends the whole visit checking her watch. Eventually I have become a lot less inviting. It's not decent behaviour to encourage in your children imo.

user1493494961 Tue 22-Oct-19 09:45:55

Child 'A', as you accepted first.

SunshineAngel Tue 22-Oct-19 10:01:11

This is a difficult one. I normally say whatever you commit to first you should do, but at the same time I think it's so unfair on your child that they don't get to go to their friend's party because they have to go to another one of a child they barely know.

If the issue is more that YOU are friends with mum of Child A, is there nobody else who can take your child to the other party, and you can still go to that one? I don't know your situation, but this could be a good solution I think, as you're still supporting your friend, but your child also gets what they want, too.

itsmecathycomehome Tue 22-Oct-19 11:27:20

I honestly don't know how this is a debate.

You go to the one you accepted first, which is particularly true in your case op because it is a new friendship group for you.

Your dd is 4 and will have many more parties and friendships ahead of her, and this dilemma will be a complete non-event very soon.

If you tell Mum B why you can't attend she will see you as an honourable, kind person with a sense of decency and integrity.

If you tell Mum A why you can't attend she will nod and smile and say it's fine, but form a negative opinion nonetheless.

TatianaLarina Tue 22-Oct-19 11:29:56

You go to the one you accepted first, which is particularly true in your case op because it is a new friendship group for you.

OP is not the one going to the party. You do not decide your DC’s social engagements on the basis of who you are trying to be friends with.

ThatMuppetShow Tue 22-Oct-19 12:20:49

OP is not the one going to the party. You do not decide your DC’s social engagements on the basis of who you are trying to be friends with.

you know you are talking about a 4 year old right? grin
Bit young to be left in charge of their social calendar....

misspiggy19 Tue 22-Oct-19 12:29:47

*If I had invited a child my DD didn’t know and she had an invite from a close friend, I would say it was completely fine and mean it 100%.*

^This

itsmecathycomehome Tue 22-Oct-19 13:10:10

"OP is not the one going to the party. You do not decide your DC’s social engagements on the basis of who you are trying to be friends with."

No but most people on the fringes of a new friendship group would want to avoid being known as the dickhead who cancelled for a better offer.

TatianaLarina Tue 22-Oct-19 14:24:10

Except it’s not a better offer it’s simply a clash with the party of a close friend of DD. And anyone with a modicum of intelligence and social nous should be able to navigate that effectively.

ThatMuppetShow Tue 22-Oct-19 14:25:51

And anyone with a modicum of intelligence and social nous should be able to navigate that effectively.

yes, you tell your daughter that you are already going to a party, done.

itsmecathycomehome Tue 22-Oct-19 16:18:47

"Except it’s not a better offer it’s simply a clash with the party of a close friend of DD."

Someone I like better : the very definition of 'better offer'.

"And anyone with a modicum of intelligence and social nous should be able to navigate that effectively."

Is this an unnecessarily rude comment directed at anyone on here who says it's out of order, thus ironically revealing your own social shortcomings?

obligations Tue 22-Oct-19 16:41:24

If I was the mum of Child A and someone explained nicely and politely that unfortunately there was a clash with a birthday at your child's nursery and so she won't be able to attend I absolutely would not hold it against you. I'd think that to do so would be a far worse social shortcoming than to cancel in the first place.

Of course the 4 year old child likes her friend better than a child she doesn't know.

itsmecathycomehome Tue 22-Oct-19 16:44:26

But what if everyone who has been invited to both birthdays does that?

OP thinks she'll be the only one to do it, and that her dd won't be missed, but nobody knows that for sure.

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 22-Oct-19 16:54:50

3w is def not too early to send out invites

Esp if want people there

People make plans at weekends so notice is needed

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 22-Oct-19 16:56:22

MAybe say to b mum as you know her well

Could she change time of party to start 30m after other one

Esp if you say a few will be invited to both

TatianaLarina Tue 22-Oct-19 18:56:29

Someone I like better : the very definition of 'better offer'.

Nooo. Someone DD is close friends with vs someone she barely knows.

Idontlikeitsomuch Tue 22-Oct-19 19:22:43

"Someone DD is close friends with vs someone she barely knows."

But she only started school a few months ago. The joy of starting big boy/girl school is to make new friends outside of parent's influence and comfort zone of sticking with nursery friends. If she cancel the A's party and go to B's, she might hurt A's feeling and maybe kill the great future friendship.

TatianaLarina Tue 22-Oct-19 22:37:55

She’s 4, she’s got plenty of time in her life to make new friends...

Beesandcheese Tue 22-Oct-19 23:13:01

No one turned up to my child's 11th birthday. Turned out some other child on the class booked something obviously more exciting that same day.
To be honest no one ever apologised, felt awful or even warned us. A hell of a lot of people just don't give a shot about anyone's feelings but they're own. Just do what you want. It's absolutely what everyone else would do.

cheercaptain Wed 23-Oct-19 07:17:22

In OP's situation, we will go to Child A's party because we have accepted the invite and it is the right thing to do. It wouldn't have mattered that the birthday child and your DC are not close if there was no Child B's party and it still shouldn't. The only time we would ever consider which to go for is if we had received the 2 invitations and were trying to decide which to accept and in that situation we will accept Child B's over Child A.

LellyMcKelly Wed 23-Oct-19 07:30:47

You go to child A’s party and tell child B’s mum that you can’t attend because there’s an over,ap and you’ve already accepted the child A invite. You can do something with child B later.

VeganCow Wed 23-Oct-19 08:53:05

I would be honest and say face to face to friend something like "god dd has been going on about nursery friends party, and I've told her its on the same day as yours and she doesnt understand why she can't go to both" and see what she says, chances are she will give you your way out without you having to say anything else

ThatMuppetShow Wed 23-Oct-19 09:03:10

No one turned up to my child's 11th birthday. Turned out some other child on the class booked something obviously more exciting that same day.

that's disgusting. Your son is very unlucky to have fallen into such a shit class. It's not even about manners, it's basic consideration for others. When you read so many of the comments on here, you can see where people come from, it's so sad.

ThatMuppetShow Wed 23-Oct-19 09:05:21

chances are she will give you your way out without you having to say anything else

what else can she do? You are telling her you got a better offer and you want to go instead of a second-rate party, you are still being rude. She'll just roll her eyes inwardly and think "good riddance". It's still a shitty thing to do, you could have just declined when you were first invited if the party wasn't good enough for you.

MyOtherProfile Wed 23-Oct-19 09:05:56

I always tell my kids we stick with the first arrangement made unless there's a very good reason to back out.
Child A is someone your DC will be with for years in school unless you move so I would stick with that.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 09:07:42

"She’s 4, she’s got plenty of time in her life to make new friends..."

Obviously, but that is not the point though. A invited her maybe because she wanted to be friend with her. And she accepted it. Even 4 year old feel hurt, don't you think? It's a difficult situation for parents of 4 year old who really don't understand the consequences. But then it's parent's responsibility to make it right, or at least try to minimize the pain other child feels. Each to their own, but I cannot but to think about what does my child feel if same thing happened to them.

ThatMuppetShow Wed 23-Oct-19 09:13:45

I really cannot understand the need for such rudeness and drama, it's a 4 year old party.

You get an invit for a day you've already made plans, you decline, and if the 2 kids are such good friends, you take them both to McDonald or get a couple of cupcakes and have a playdate at home to celebrate the little friend's birthday.

Why making life so complicated or make yourself look like an entitled and rude idiot?

Idontwanttotalk Wed 23-Oct-19 09:17:18

I think you should attend A's party because you accepted the invitation and you need to teach children to honour commitments that are made.

Perhaps you shouldn't have accepted an invitation where your child doesn't know A but it is done now. Maybe your child and A will turn out to be best friends with each other.

If you have since had the invitation to child B's party you should automatically have responded that you have a prior engagement.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 10:16:20

A invited her maybe because she wanted to be friend with her. And she accepted it.

A’s mother invited her because she is friends with the OP. OP has said the child will not be disappointed as she didn’t really know who DD is.

In that circumstance it’s perfectly ok to say that a close friend is having a party on the same day and DD is desperate to go to that.

It’s not a question of a ‘better offer’ or ‘second rate’ and only the very socially paranoid would think like that. Nor is it a question of a whole class choosing another child’s party. It is one child, for a particular reason.

Lizzie0869 Wed 23-Oct-19 10:31:54

Some posters are reacting strongly to this thread, I think this is because they're forgetting that the children concerned here are only 4 years old, so it's very unlikely that child A is going to feel rejected if the OP's DD doesn't come to the party. They barely know each other! Instead, it's a case of the OP knowing her mum.

As you did accept the invitation, I think you should stick with that and arrange a play date with child B. But I can't imagine being offended if a friend came to me with a similar dilemma. Not when the 2 girls barely know each other.

TheOrigRightsofwomen Wed 23-Oct-19 11:29:58

Some posters are reacting strongly to this thread

I think these might be the people who have been the parent of child A. There are loads of threads on here describing how people have dropped out at the last minute. It's not nice.

itsmecathycomehome Wed 23-Oct-19 12:38:16

"Nor is it a question of a whole class choosing another child’s party."

"OP has said the child will not be disappointed."

You don't know this for sure and neither does op.

Every time an upset mum posts here to say that people are dropping out of her child's party, the universal cry is 'what a load of heartless bastards.'

Well maybe they're not. Maybe, like op, they all just think that the party child won't care and they won't be missed because everyone else will still attend.

It's never too early to teach good manners and a bit of integrity imo.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 12:54:16

What people cry on this forum is neither here nor there.

If the children are all at school together and know each other it’s a slightly different issue. When two school friends have a party on the same day and half the class choose one over the other it’s tough.

That is not the case here. It is one child. And the party girl doesn’t actually know the child.

And as for manners on here - posters ‘lose their shit’ in Asda, ‘call people out’ in the street, and charge for drinks at weddings. This is not about manners, it’s about social anxiety.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 13:10:50

TatianaLarina, I think we need to agree to disagree. In my eyes, it's a great opportunity to extend friendship with someone who she never really knew. And if she hasn't accepted the invitation yet, it's totally ok to choose friend over someone she barely knows.
I think different from you, and you different from me. Perhaps you never had experience like that, being let down, and that's fine. And you can call me socially paranoid all you like, but I care for what other person, especially a 4 year old child feel. I think there is nothing wrong with that, do you? You say it's one child, but how do you know? If everyone thought that way, it's only one, so it really doesn't matter?

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 13:17:04

"This is not about manners, it’s about social anxiety."

No it's not. It's about caring for other people's feeling. As for me, I wouldn't care about what other people think about me, I care about what child A feel, if Op's dc cancelled A's party and went to B's party. They are not mature enough to keep it a secret.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 13:57:04

But you don’t care about your DD’s feelings or DD’s friend’s feelings, simply random child A because you’re projecting all your social anxiety onto her.

Given that OP’s child and girl A don’t know each other she’s hardly likely to find out she went to another party. She’s 4. She may not even know who’s been invited.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 14:14:10

How do you know? Op says mums hang about together as a group, but their kids don't really know each other. She never said A doesn't know OP's dd.

Like I said, each to their own. You not caring for 4 year old's feeling doesn't bother me. But A might. We never know. That is the biggest issue here, that you may potentially hurt someone. Why can we all speculate? Op is not being unreasonable to ask questions, but you are.

Lizzie0869 Wed 23-Oct-19 14:14:36

Given that OP’s child and girl A don’t know each other she’s hardly likely to find out she went to another party. She’s 4. She may not even know who’s been invited.

^This. My DDs didn't really express an interest in the guest list until after they started school. The girls in question haven't started school. I wouldn't be at all surprised if child A doesn't even know that the OP's DD was coming to her party.

But the OP's friend could well be hurt, especially if other mums followed suit.

NotMyFinestMoment Wed 23-Oct-19 14:20:20

*Bloomburger
How incredibly rude. How would you like it if you put on a party, people accepted and then started dropping out and lying.

You accepted the other invitation first and it would be incredibly bad form if you didn't go.*

^ This.

Talkingmouse Wed 23-Oct-19 14:28:32

Go to child party A. You have already accepted.

Explain with apologies to mum B. Get a birthday play date in the diary now with child B, for a few days after the party. Give present and nice tea, with craft activity or something they would both like.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 14:46:38

You not caring for 4 year old's feeling doesn't bother me. But A might.

You not caring for two 4 year olds’ feelings doesn’t bother me. But they might. It’s odd that you’d care about hurting one child and not the other two. But hey ho.

‘Don’t really know each other’
‘Barely knows‘ [A]
‘Probably doesn’t awfully know who she is’

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 14:52:17

This. My DDs didn't really express an interest in the guest list until after they started school. The girls in question haven't started school. I wouldn't be at all surprised if child A doesn't even know that the OP's DD was coming to her party.

Exactly. I remember my 4th birthday party, it’s the first I have recall of. I remember the chocolate cake, the design on the paper plates and cups, my dress. I don’t recall having any input into the guest list or the theme.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 15:06:58

"It’s odd that you’d care about hurting one child and not the other two. But hey ho."

Who is the other two? Op's dd and B? If you really think the feeling B and Op's dd feel if she goes to A's party is equivalent to what A might feel if she ditch A's party and go to B's, we can never understand each other.

obligations Wed 23-Oct-19 15:26:39

Some of the comments on here are completely excessive:
"You are telling her you got a better offer and you want to go instead of a second-rate party"

"incredibly bad form"

"not caring for 4 year old's feeling"

I really doubt A's mother is relying on a child she doesn't even know to make her daughter's party a success. I doubt the child cares if OP's DD comes to her part or not seeing as she doesn't know her

Let's look at it logically:
Mum A invited OP's DD as a way of being friendly to the OP (not really to do with the children, therefore no feelings or hurt involved on their part)
OP accepted as a way of reciprocating Mum A's friendliness

Mum B invited OP's DD as she's friends with child B.

Therefore, this is actually about the adults, not the dcs. OP, if you know the Mum I'm sure it will be fine. I would hate to be friends with someone who wouldn't just want my DD to be happy - and I certainly would not see her not coming to the party of a child she doesn't know as any kind of slight or betrayal unless I was so over-invested in the friendship that I was treating a child's party as a major social opportunity. In which case I'd give myself a stern talking to.

When my dcs were small I sometimes invited the dcs of friends to their parties. Sometimes they came, not always. Sometimes they said that as their dcs wouldn't know anyone, it might be best if they didn't come. Once or twice something else came up for them - all fine. I always asked and said I'd understand if they didn't want to come. I can barely remember at this stage because to my children the important thing was that the children they were actually friendly with were there.

ThatMuppetShow Wed 23-Oct-19 15:58:10

I really doubt A's mother is relying on a child she doesn't even know to make her daughter's party a success. I doubt the child cares if OP's DD comes to her part or not seeing as she doesn't know her

hardly the point, and it's quite sad that people find it easy to justify rude behaviour.

I actually think it does matter, to show manners and a bit of respect for others. It's a shame so many people still try so hard to find justifications and arguments why it doesn't apply to them.

itsmecathycomehome Wed 23-Oct-19 16:09:52

Going to the first party you accept is just the right, kind thing to do.

You could probably justify dropping it in favour of Child B's party but it involves quite a lot of supposition - Child A probably won't mind, probably no one else will drop out, probably Mum A will be fine about it and so on.

Better just to do the right thing imo. You'll know which option is the right thing to do because it requires no justification whatsoever.

TatianaLarina Wed 23-Oct-19 16:29:51

Who is the other two? Op's dd and B? If you really think the feeling B and Op's dd feel if she goes to A's party is equivalent to what A might feel if she ditch A's party and go to B's, we can never understand each other.

Good grief.

SalrycLuxx Wed 23-Oct-19 16:47:57

Go to child A party. You accepted, it’s rude to cancel for a subsequent engagement, and you can do something with child B some other time.

Idontlikeitsomuch Wed 23-Oct-19 18:12:25

Good grief.
grin

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