Not going to kids party after accepting invitation

I can see why your DD would prefer to attend the party of the child she actually knows so I’d be inclined to make up a bullshit excuse to A’s Mum now rather than later. Just say something else has come up and apologise but don’t leave it till the last minute, it’ll piss her off way more.

—I’m a terrible person, so would probably lie to Mum A and say child was ill on the day—

What sort of party? If it’s soft play or something where numbers are paid for in advance - yes poor form. If it’s a party at home, then talk to your friend and explain. If this was me I wouldn’t mind; I’ve invited friends and their kids before even if the kids don’t really know each other.

I don't think I can make up a BS excuse because other mums in our group will know about Child B's party. They probably have the same dilemma but since they've all known Child A for years will stick to that party. I'm a latecomer to the group!

Don’t tell her you’ve had a better offer 😳 make up an excuse. I’d probably attend the second party too

I’d tell a tiny fib and say you were putting child A’s party on your calendar when you realised you’d already accepted an invitation for a party on that day and as that one came in first you are obliged to go to that one... profuse apologies etc etc

Child A's is a small(ish) party at home and it's in 3 weeks so lots of notice

Yes, it is poor form.

And before you assume you won't be missed, read one of those heartbreaking stories you sometimes see in the press about children's parties where nobody came, or threads on here where previous acceptances turned into polite 'can't come after all'

Do the parties completely clash? Can you do both?

Don’t bullshit the reason. The mum is your friend - her child isn’t your child’s friend. Just be honest.

How incredibly rude. How would you like it if you put on a party, people accepted and then started dropping out and lying.

You accepted the other invitation first and it would be incredibly bad form if you didn't go.

Are they at exactly the same time? Is it possible to do both? Are you the only person this will happen to or is there likely to be a clash with other nursery kids invited to both? Otherwise as mum A is your friend I would be tempted to fess up. (I would be more annoyed as a mum if you lie and I hear after the event that you lied....)

Life is too short! Go with what you and your daughter wants. Child Bs party all the way. Perhaps send a nice card to the first child to say happy birthday.

When are the parties and what kind of parties are they? If you’re giving at least a couple of weeks notice so she can adjust the numbers/ find someone else to take your DD’s place and Mum A isn’t going to lose out financially by you pulling out (Eg: if she won’t have bought food/ party bags yet and if it’s not a pay-per-child party she’ll have paid a deposit for) then I think it’s fine to decline.

I probably wouldn’t be so blunt as to say DD got a better offer, but I wouldn’t lie and say she’s ill etc either as with social media it’s hard to be sure nobody will share where you are. I’d just say you’re sorry but you won’t be able to make it anymore but you hope her DD has a lovely day - if you want to soften the blow you could still send a birthday gift her DD’s way to hide your guilt as a thank you for the invite

Don't do it. Don't be that person who cancels for a better offer. I can imagine the conversation with the mum and know exactly what she'll be thinking about you.

Personally I'd have phoned Mum B and told her it clashes with ChildA's party, to give her an opportunity to change the day/time so that people can attend both.

Please don't be a dick.
Teach you child that you should honour a previous invitation acceptance.

You think you might be the only one or one of a few to cancel, but IME it happens a lot and it's horrible for the parent and as the child gets older, horrid for them too (when they're young you can shield them from it).

If the second invitation is from a really good friend then they'll be seeing lots of each other anyway.

I've been in this situation and would go to child As party. I wouldn't think it very nice to ditch child A because you got a better offer.

Cancel, say I'm very sorry but We carnt make it now. Honestly people cancel all the time, they will be greatfull you gave them notice.

Just read that both parties involve the same children/parents. You're gonna get found out if you lie.
You're only lying to protect the feelings of the parent, so surely that's all you need to know it's wrong.

If I do choose to not go to Child A's then I won't lie about the reason but obviously won't say 'better offer!
I'm just really torn about which to go to.
There will be others with the clash but I think it will be less of a dilemma for them as their kids actually know Child A.

I would actually rather go to Child A's personally but my daughter won't stop going on about Child B's! I reminded her about Child A's party and she said "who is Child A?".

They are at exactly the same time so no way of doing both unfortunately.

Rule of thumb is generally you go to the event you accepted first.

Offer to do something with child B at a different time.

Don’t be flaky with child A.

Maybe child A is trying to make more friends or get to know more people.

I'd go to child A's party and ask child B over to your place ASAP for a birthday tea (i.e. party hats and a cupcake each, plus she leaves with her present). You do the correct social thing, your DD gets to celebrate with her friend, it's in your house so no additional cleanup for child B's parent.

I am now erring on the side of Child A's now I listen to your points

If the child was older, I'd say you go to the one your child accepted but at 4 thry have no real say, so you're teaching her aesson about going to the place you said to yes first when she hasn't actually said yes iyswim.

So I'd say you've only jsit realised there's a clash and you're very sorry. Get 4 yo to take a small gift to child a after class near her bday.

Just put your own child in child A's shoes.

You've already accepted an invitation, would be very poor form to cancel now for a better offer.

And CERTAINLY don't do what a PP advised and just cry off sick on the day. I read a news article this week about a little girls party that only one person turned up to (2 cancelled on the morning and the rest just didn't show up). Heartbreaking 😢

Just put your own child in child A's shoes
Child A's Mom has invited some kid frito her party based in which Mom's she hangs out with. It doesn't sound like she'll care that Random Kid isn't going any more

We had those last week. Accepted child A. Child Bs mum organised a last minute party which ds was desperate to go to.

We went to A because that was the right thing to do. We invited B round for tea and to play a couple of nights later after school. Could you do similar?

Could you go to A's for a bit and then nip to the next one or are they at the same time?
It's awkward, I feel for you.

Stick to the invite you've accepted. I've been the other side of this and seen my 12 expected guests dwindle to 5 on the day as everyone else got a better offer.

If there's a large cross over with guests, might be worth a quiet chat with Child B's parents to point this out and see if they have any room for moving their times (I've seen that happen before when there are clashing parties).

Ring Mum B and decline, explaining why. She'll be worried about lots of other people similarly declining and might change the day/time. I've seen that happen before.

We've had this. The parties were very close together, so we explained to both sets of parents, went to party A for the first hour and then zoomed off to party B for the second hour. Would that be a possibility?

I would go to Child A’s party. It’s only a party, won’t really matter if she misses one, and your friendships are important. My eldest is 20 and I still get together with close group of mum friends I had when my kids were very young. My daughter is not in touch with any of her nursery friends!

How well do you know child B’s mum, and how much of a cross over in guests is there likely to be? I would be inclined to chat to child B’s mum about the clash in party times and whether it was possible to move her child’s party to a bit earlier/later in the day so child B has more acceptances as people can do both if they wanted.

Id honour the first- if other children are going to As not Bs, surely Bs mum will realise the clash.
Id say to mum B, sorry we are going to As party...she might change it.

you're new to a group of mums who also have DC your childs age. i think if you cancelled and they took offense the entire group could oust you. Also you never know, your child and child A could form a life long friendship. I would say its important for your friendship for you to go to child As party. plus then your daughter will get to know child A and all the other children and make socialising easier for you.

When you got the invitation to Child’s B party you should have told your DC you couldn’t make it. I wouldn’t have said why. That would have stopped any questions from them and you wouldn’t have had this dilemma in the first place.
If I were the other mum I’d much rather you tell me in advance you’re not coming then cancel on the day. She’ll be doing party bags and catering for your child now you have accepted. She may also be restricting numbers at home due to space.
I’d stick with Child A’s party personally, that’s because I’ve been on the receiving end of several parents accepting invites and then cancelling on the day, not turning up etc. It isn’t fair on the birthday child, who however close they are or are not to your child, will be expecting to see them.

I agree. Don't be a dick. Go to the one you accepted.

I think it's enough notice and understandable. I invited an NCT friend's child to my daughter's 5th birthday, they accepted. They now see each other a couple of times a year but used to see each other weekly. The other girl then had an invite to a school friend's birthday and the mum let me know with about a month to go (telling the truth) and I didn't mind at all! I didn't even mention it to my daughter. Her school friends are much more important to a 4/5 year old than essentially their parents' friends' children.

I'd ask OH to take DD to child B's party, or ask child B's mother if it's ok to leave her there.
Then, I'd go to Party A myself and work my socks off helping it to run smoothly, with an honest explanation in advance to A's mum about B's preference Vs your preference to be with A.

If child A is such an unknown to your daughter you shouldn't have accepted their invitation maybe?

It’s really rude. Imagine if everyone did that. Oh, you’re good enough to waste a couple of hours, but now i’ve had a better offer.
Not nice.

I'd go to child B's party but let her know ASAP and not go into detail.
Sorry, Ive realised I have a clash in my calendar and can't make it after all. I'd be surprised if she cares.

Don't do it. Don't be that person who cancels for a better offer.

It's a bloody 4 year old!

Are people really suggesting if they were invited to a party their parents' friends were throwing, and later discovered their best mate was having a party they'd say "ahh no, I'll go to the random's party"

Bollocks to that. Sometimes people's diaries change and that's ok.

As for "what if no-one turns up". I'm sure the kid would be just as upset if only a kid he doesn't know turns up because His mum's friend came.

Any parent would understand and if they don't they are being idiots.

It’s rude and sends a bad message to your child that she can let people down if she gets a better opportunity. Especially if you lie

I’d say sorry I’m double booked and go to both for an hour each

Honestly, if its a small party at home and you've accepted I'd go to As.

Unless you can speak frankly to the mum who is your friend and find out if her dd isn't bothered and your dd definitely wont be missed.

Could you talk to the mum of B-if others have the same problem she might be able/willing to change hers?

If not, then I think that she should go to A's & do something with B when convenient.

It’s rude and sends a bad message to your child that she can let people down if she gets a better opportunity

She's 4, FGS🙄

But if you want to get all "socially acceptable" about it she didn't accept the invite to the first party, her mother did.

Let her go to her friend's party FFS.

Would doing a bit of both be a possibility?

Definitely honour your initial commitment to Child As party. Explain to Child Bs mum and invite Child B for tea next week or whenever is convenient.

Bollocks to that. Sometimes people's diaries change and that's ok.

As for "what if no-one turns up". I'm sure the kid would be just as upset if only a kid he doesn't know turns up because His mum's friend came.

Any parent would understand and if they don't they are being idiots.

I am an idiot. When, years ago, only one person turned up to my son's party (he had special needs and was on the fringes of friendship groups) I was upset at others who had accepted and then refused because of another party/better offer. And this had such an effect on my son that he never wanted another birthday party from then on. As I say, I did not understand, therefore I admit I am an idiot.

It’s rude and sends a bad message to your child that she can let people down if she gets a better opportunity

This! 100%

I would chat to Bs Mum and let her know about the clash. If she doent know then she will probably appreciate a chance to move her party and not mess up either child’s party. If she does know and did it on purpose, then go to child As party as its not nice to try and poach party guests by organizing a competing party on purpose

A invited you and dd to party so maybe she could get to know her and you

If you don’t go then how is she going to get to know her better m

You keep to the first offer. That polite. You don’t turn down something for a better offer

Tell b that you are at another party as will some of the others invited m

What time is party

Maybe b can do a different time

She's 4, FGS🙄
And? Kids are intelligent and pick stuff up from their parents. If the OP is

But if you want to get all "socially acceptable" about it she didn't accept the invite to the first party, her mother did
Not sure if it was in the OP or updates but surely the OP’s daughter would’ve been asked if she wanted to go. So if that’s the case then actually they both accepted.

Let her go to her friend's party FFS
Why? She’s busy

If child B's mum knows there is a clash then she may be willing/able to change the date/time of her party.

It is really rude though to drop out because of a 'better offer' (however one couches the situation). Even if the child is 4 years old.

If B's parent(s) can't change the date and time then perhaps you could arrange a playdate for your DC and B instead?

*But if you want to get all "socially acceptable" about it she didn't accept the
invite to the first party, her mother did*

OP said ‘we accepted’ so clearly her daughter was happy enough to go to A’s party before she got a better offer!

**Please don't be a dick.
Teach you child that you should honour a previous invitation acceptance**

Agree with this. Explain to mum B, and invite child B & mum round for a play date. Have a cake with candles and give child B her gift then.

I am an idiot. When, years ago, only one person turned up to my son's party (he had special needs and was on the fringes of friendship groups) I was upset at others who had accepted and then refused because of another party/better offer. And this had such an effect on my son that he never wanted another birthday party from then on. As I say, I did not understand, therefore I admit I am an idiot.

This is so sad that she feels like an idiot. How awful.
This is the fallout from people's belief that they can say one thing and do another. Do they really believe that others won't do the same to them one day? Some really dreadful attitudes on this thread. I hope your son has made some genuine friends since then. One real friend is better than a whole group who would pass you up for a better offer.

Yep, agree, you say to Child Bs mother you are sorry but you already accepted invite to Child A's party at that time, but would Child B like to come to your house on X day for tea?

Anyway you could show your face at A's either before or after B's party with a gift?

I would go to child A’s party and explain child B’s mum that you had already accepted the invite. A lot of kids may decline if she has put it on the same day and time.

You go to Child’s A party without a doubt.

I would honour the commitment you've already made to go to child A's party. It would be very bad form not to.

OTOH, if I was the mum organising child B's party, I would appreciate a heads up that there was a clash with another child's party so that I could rearrange the date so that my child's friends could all come. It's far enough in advance for her to be able to do this.

But I appreciate that if you don't know the other mum this might feel a bit awkward.

We’d be going to party A.

Tell Child B's mum the party clashes with child A's

As you say, you are not the only one facing the same dilemma. Child B's mum will be wondering why she's getting lots of people not answering or simply declining.

I had this happen once with DD and although it was a lot of stress (rebooking an entertainer and rewriting all the invites) managed to change it round to a couple of weeks later so everyone got to go to both (except DD who hadnt' been invited to the bl**dy party in question but the invites had gone out a week before hand)

I think it is very important you go to child A's party as it is an important life lesson that the polite thing to do is to honour the engagements you've accepted.

As PP say, how horrible for the child to be overlooked in favour of a better offer (and its pretty likely that the child's parent will find out you did this). It's worse that it's a party in their home with small numbers, so obviously your child will be missed if they don't attend.

cornish you're not an idiot to have expected people to have some manners and decorum. I'm sorry people are so rubbish, and I hope your dc has a better set of friends now.

Honour the first invitation and arrange something else for your DC and B.

Your plan is to take your child to the party of a child she doesn't know, and she then misses the party of a child she is friends with?

Contact the mum of the first kid and apologise.
It's not a better offer, it's an offer from HER friend, rather than YOUR friend.
What will you do if your kid turns up and kicks off because it's the "wrong" party?
You have plenty of time to say sorry.
Do not try to engineer a friendship in the interim.

I think as you’ve accepted the invitation to child A then you should honour that and go to that party. If I was child A’s Mum and you made a (what will be pretty obvious) excuse to go to child B’s instead I’d be quite offended.
@ContessaLovesTheSunshine i
suggestion to have a play date another time with child B is a good idea.

Could you talk to childs a mum and explain, you've had 2 invites , that your daughter really wants to go to both and ask to pop around an hour before the party, to see the birthday girl and give a present (seeing that it's a party at home , I would think people would be back and forth leaving at different time) . so then you can go to childs b party after?

As far as I can tell the op has been clear she wouldn't lie. Yet there are people berating her for suggesting it.
People read what they want to read on here.

Bollocks to that. Sometimes people's diaries change and that's ok.

As for "what if no-one turns up". I'm sure the kid would be just as upset if only a kid he doesn't know turns up because His mum's friend came.

Any parent would understand and if they don't they are being idiots.

This is exactly the kind of attitude that leads to our current crop of flaky adults. It's all about instant gratification.

But you can bet that if it was their event, they'd all be up in arms about it.

You accept the first invitation, of course.

OP, I agree with calling child B's mum, perhaps she might move the party if there's a lot of overlap. Or invite child B round for tea, 1 on 1 with your DD.

You accepted based on Your friendship with the mother. It isnt fair on your dd to make her go because the child isnt even her friend. If she didnt want to go based on someone she knew well then I would say you have to go.
It would be ridiculous to make her go so that it pleases your friendship.

And besides if you cancel now she will have more than enough notice

Absolutely go to child As party. You've accepted that invitation, I wouldn't have told you dd about child B other than to say you couldn't make it as you've already committed to child A.
You don't cancel for a better offer.

I'd send mine to the party I accepted, but I think it's important to give the right message, a lot of parents don't seem to do this though.

Most definitely go to A. No brainer. It's so mean to dump someone who obviously wanted a closer relationship because they invited you to a party for another.

If think about this selfishly. Child A is a mum friend which you need long term. You drop out, you’re already new = possible expulsion from group.

Child B is a nursery friend, either they’ll go to different schools and she’ll never see her again or they’ll go to the same school and she’ll get loads of future opportunities for parties with her.

Keep to child A, buy your DD off with a birthday play date with child B at another time.

Oh and don’t worry about your DD being disappointed, she’s 4, she’s easily bribed and if (like me) you have more than 1 kid, they are going to have to miss stuff and be disappointed A LOT.

That’s just as good a life lesson as the social acceptance of not cancelling at this age!

2 life lessons in 1 hit

How rude to even consider it.

You received an invitation, you were happy enough to accept it and treat your child to the party.
Then something which you think is better comes along, so you just change your mind.

Very rude and nasty frame of mind. I know in the grand scheme of things, it's just a party, but you will feel differently if it was your child. If everybody does the same, so what then?
Person A could have invited someone else, but you took the spot.
Person A might have low attendance in the end - but warned when the invit' were sent, could have organised something different.

I can't bare people like that. If you don't want to go to anything, just decline. It's very easy - you can always make up an excuse.
Keeping your options open without any regards for anyone else is just rude. Unless emergency or valid reason, it's an awful attitude. If you commit, you commit.

The day same things happen to your kid you might think differently.

So some of you are happy to "send a message" to a FOUR YEAR OLD that her friends don't matter, and that YOUR friends do?

Really?

bugger social acceptance...

OP
Your husband comes home from work this evening and say "we're going to Robs on the 9th, it's his birthday", you realize that it's your BFFs birthday on the 11th, she texts you an hour later "Having an early b'day party on the 9th - see you then"
WHAT DO YOU DO?
Cancel on your BFF, or cancel on DHs mate Rob?

clock ticking....

Just be honest. Tell Mum A the situation and that your daughter wouldn't want to miss her friends party. I highly doubt Mum A will be miffed that you can't go.

*Your husband comes home from work this evening and say "we're going to Robs on the 9th, it's his birthday", you realize that it's your BFFs birthday on the 11th, she texts you an hour later "Having an early b'day party on the 9th - see you then"
WHAT DO YOU DO?
Cancel on your BFF, or cancel on DHs mate Rob?*
That’s entirely different. They’d both be adults so her DH could go with Rob and she could go with her best mate. OP can’t go to child A’s party while her DD goes to child B’s

So I'd say you've only jsit realised there's a clash and you're very sorry. Get 4 yo to take a small gift to child a after class near her bday.

I was going to say exactly this, but sleeping beat me to it.

Gives you a get out and a little gift shows you care.

Marine It's not different.
An invitation has been accepted on your behalf.
You have had an invitation from your friend.
You want to see your friend.

OP can attend Child As party alone and HER child can attend Child Bs party? would that work for you?

I’d just tell her the truth. That DD’s been invited to a party by a close friend on the same day. Close friend will be upset if she doesn’t go, would mum mind as your kids aren’t close friends?

If she’s arsey you can still go, but if she clearly genuinely doesn’t mind there’s no harm done.

**Your husband comes home from work this evening and say "we're going to Robs on the 9th, it's his birthday", you realize that it's your BFFs birthday on the 11th, she texts you an hour later "Having an early b'day party on the 9th - see you then"
WHAT DO YOU DO?
Cancel on your BFF, or cancel on DHs mate Rob?**

... or actually this doesn't happen because my BFF has already checked the date with me in advance, because she really wants me to be there?

I'd say you've only jsit realised there's a clash and you're very sorry. Get 4 yo to take a small gift to child a after class near her bday.

Won’t work as the other mums in the group will know the second invite came after.

So some of you are happy to "send a message" to a FOUR YEAR OLD that her friends don't matter, and that YOUR friends do?

or just tell your 4 year old that you have already accepted another invitation and you can't be in 2 places at once....

WHAT DO YOU DO?
Cancel on your BFF, or cancel on DHs mate Rob?*
As I haven't accepted the 2nd invitation but merely received a message, tell friend that I already have plans that night... And in the real world, DH would ask me if I am free before accepting an invitation on both our behalf.

My DD would be going to Child A's party. I can't believe you are even asking this question. You accepted the invite from Child A and that is the one your DD should go to.

Politely decline Child B's invitation and explain why. Tell the truth - lies always backfire.

Your DD is only 4 - she won't remember/be traumatised by this. Do not draw her into all this by asking her which party she wants to go to, you know what she will say. Simply tell her she is going to Child A's party because Mum A asked first. Flitty, switchy mums are annoying and rude - don't be one of them.

As a mum of 3 I can tell you there are going hundreds of parties your DD will be invited to - put this down to experience and make a note of a potential date clash for next year.

ThatMuppetShow: "rude to even consider it"? "A rude and nasty frame of mind"?

It's obviously a tricky one that divides opinion, as evidenced by the range of opinions on this thread.

I don't see how weighing up two options and trying to look at things from multiple points of view makes me such a terrible person.

That DD’s been invited to a party by a close friend on the same day. Close friend will be upset if she doesn’t go, would mum mind as your kids aren’t close friends?

any polite adult will gracefully tell you that it's absolutely fine, what else can they say. I sincerely hope they would never ever bother inviting the child though, which will be a shame if there are class parties and so on in the future.

OK, so as a responsible parent you send out invitations for your childs 4th birthday party, ooh say, 6 months before, 3 months, a month?

It's a bit shit for the MUM of child A, but as your child doesn't know child A, then child A is not going to be scarred for life...

Let your child go to HER friends party, rather than her having to go to YOUR friends childs party!

I highly doubt Mum A will be miffed that you can't go.

Of course she won’t, it’s not that big a deal.

Also adding that I would buy a present for Child B and give it to her mum when you explain your DD can't go to the party.

Donkeydoodles
not a terrible person, but not a very polite and considerate one either.
You have accepted an invitation, as far as I can see it, you have made a commitment. Unless emergency, it's just rude to change your mind because you have a better offer.

Can you not picture your own reaction if the same thing happens next time you throw an invitation? You get 20 yes, you finalise booking, but the week before, 15 get a better offer?

So some of you are happy to "send a message" to a FOUR YEAR OLD that her friends don't matter, and that YOUR friends do?

You're not saying the 4 year old's friends don't matter. You're just saying that 4 year old friendships (which are transient anyway, by the time the party comes round OP's DD may have fallen out with B and be best buddies with A) are not the centre of the universe.

We were once invited to a wedding of someone the DC had never met. We accepted the invite (yes, on their behalf) and a few weeks later one of them was invited to a party on the same day. Did saying "sorry we're going to a wedding that day" in response to the party invite, mean that I thought my friends were more important than the DC's? or just that there is an accepted way to do things?