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Not going to kids party after accepting invitation

(186 Posts)
Donkeydoodles Mon 21-Oct-19 11:49:44

My 4 year old was invited to 'Child A's' birthday party the other week. I know the mum from a group of mums I hang about with but our kids don't really know each other. It was very kind of her to invite my daughter and we accepted.

In the mean time my daughter has been invited to a nursery friend's party (Child B). This is someone she's good friends with and she's desperate to go.

I think we should probably go to Child B's party as she barely knows Child A and we were probably only invited out of politeness as all the mums socialise. Child A probably won't be disappointed that my daughter isn't at her party, as she probably doesn't actually know who she is! However, I feel it's pretty poor form to now say we can't go to because we essentially 'got a better offer'.

I really like Child A's mum and don't want to be a d*ck. Is it unreasonable to tell her we can't come because we've been invited to another party?

Whattodoabout Mon 21-Oct-19 11:52:14

I can see why your DD would prefer to attend the party of the child she actually knows so I’d be inclined to make up a bullshit excuse to A’s Mum now rather than later. Just say something else has come up and apologise but don’t leave it till the last minute, it’ll piss her off way more.

RosieLynn Mon 21-Oct-19 11:54:13

—I’m a terrible person, so would probably lie to Mum A and say child was ill on the day—

ActualHornist Mon 21-Oct-19 11:54:54

What sort of party? If it’s soft play or something where numbers are paid for in advance - yes poor form. If it’s a party at home, then talk to your friend and explain. If this was me I wouldn’t mind; I’ve invited friends and their kids before even if the kids don’t really know each other.

Donkeydoodles Mon 21-Oct-19 11:54:59

I don't think I can make up a BS excuse because other mums in our group will know about Child B's party. They probably have the same dilemma but since they've all known Child A for years will stick to that party. I'm a latecomer to the group!

sglod1on Mon 21-Oct-19 11:55:06

Don’t tell her you’ve had a better offer 😳 make up an excuse. I’d probably attend the second party too

IndigoHexagon Mon 21-Oct-19 11:55:11

I’d tell a tiny fib and say you were putting child A’s party on your calendar when you realised you’d already accepted an invitation for a party on that day and as that one came in first you are obliged to go to that one... profuse apologies etc etc

Donkeydoodles Mon 21-Oct-19 11:55:55

Child A's is a small(ish) party at home and it's in 3 weeks so lots of notice

AuntieStella Mon 21-Oct-19 11:56:00

Yes, it is poor form.

And before you assume you won't be missed, read one of those heartbreaking stories you sometimes see in the press about children's parties where nobody came, or threads on here where previous acceptances turned into polite 'can't come after all'

Do the parties completely clash? Can you do both?

ActualHornist Mon 21-Oct-19 11:56:07

Don’t bullshit the reason. The mum is your friend - her child isn’t your child’s friend. Just be honest.

Bloomburger Mon 21-Oct-19 11:56:56

How incredibly rude. How would you like it if you put on a party, people accepted and then started dropping out and lying.

You accepted the other invitation first and it would be incredibly bad form if you didn't go.

Mumdiva99 Mon 21-Oct-19 11:59:58

Are they at exactly the same time? Is it possible to do both? Are you the only person this will happen to or is there likely to be a clash with other nursery kids invited to both? Otherwise as mum A is your friend I would be tempted to fess up. (I would be more annoyed as a mum if you lie and I hear after the event that you lied....)

bigglewig Mon 21-Oct-19 12:00:57

Life is too short! Go with what you and your daughter wants. Child Bs party all the way. Perhaps send a nice card to the first child to say happy birthday. smile

MyNewBearTotoro Mon 21-Oct-19 12:02:09

When are the parties and what kind of parties are they? If you’re giving at least a couple of weeks notice so she can adjust the numbers/ find someone else to take your DD’s place and Mum A isn’t going to lose out financially by you pulling out (Eg: if she won’t have bought food/ party bags yet and if it’s not a pay-per-child party she’ll have paid a deposit for) then I think it’s fine to decline.

I probably wouldn’t be so blunt as to say DD got a better offer, but I wouldn’t lie and say she’s ill etc either as with social media it’s hard to be sure nobody will share where you are. I’d just say you’re sorry but you won’t be able to make it anymore but you hope her DD has a lovely day - if you want to soften the blow you could still send a birthday gift her DD’s way to hide your guilt as a thank you for the invite

itsmecathycomehome Mon 21-Oct-19 12:03:01

Don't do it. Don't be that person who cancels for a better offer. I can imagine the conversation with the mum and know exactly what she'll be thinking about you.

Personally I'd have phoned Mum B and told her it clashes with ChildA's party, to give her an opportunity to change the day/time so that people can attend both.

TheOrigRightsofwomen Mon 21-Oct-19 12:04:49

Please don't be a dick.
Teach you child that you should honour a previous invitation acceptance.

You think you might be the only one or one of a few to cancel, but IME it happens a lot and it's horrible for the parent and as the child gets older, horrid for them too (when they're young you can shield them from it).

If the second invitation is from a really good friend then they'll be seeing lots of each other anyway.

Drum2018 Mon 21-Oct-19 12:05:32

I've been in this situation and would go to child As party. I wouldn't think it very nice to ditch child A because you got a better offer.

my2bundles Mon 21-Oct-19 12:06:50

Cancel, say I'm very sorry but We carnt make it now. Honestly people cancel all the time, they will be greatfull you gave them notice.

TheOrigRightsofwomen Mon 21-Oct-19 12:06:50

Just read that both parties involve the same children/parents. You're gonna get found out if you lie.
You're only lying to protect the feelings of the parent, so surely that's all you need to know it's wrong.

Donkeydoodles Mon 21-Oct-19 12:07:15

If I do choose to not go to Child A's then I won't lie about the reason but obviously won't say 'better offer!
I'm just really torn about which to go to.
There will be others with the clash but I think it will be less of a dilemma for them as their kids actually know Child A.

I would actually rather go to Child A's personally but my daughter won't stop going on about Child B's! I reminded her about Child A's party and she said "who is Child A?".

They are at exactly the same time so no way of doing both unfortunately.

Crunchymum Mon 21-Oct-19 12:07:41

Rule of thumb is generally you go to the event you accepted first.

LemonGingerCakes Mon 21-Oct-19 12:08:01

Offer to do something with child B at a different time.

Don’t be flaky with child A.

Maybe child A is trying to make more friends or get to know more people.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine Mon 21-Oct-19 12:08:25

I'd go to child A's party and ask child B over to your place ASAP for a birthday tea (i.e. party hats and a cupcake each, plus she leaves with her present). You do the correct social thing, your DD gets to celebrate with her friend, it's in your house so no additional cleanup for child B's parent.

Donkeydoodles Mon 21-Oct-19 12:08:39

I am now erring on the side of Child A's now I listen to your points

SleepingStandingUp Mon 21-Oct-19 12:09:18

If the child was older, I'd say you go to the one your child accepted but at 4 thry have no real say, so you're teaching her aesson about going to the place you said to yes first when she hasn't actually said yes iyswim.

So I'd say you've only jsit realised there's a clash and you're very sorry. Get 4 yo to take a small gift to child a after class near her bday.

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