AIBU to still be pissed off? And what on earth do I do!?

[TLBftm]

I’ve debated posting this since yday eve. Mainly haven’t as I feel my rant is so long. (I’ve just scrolled back through and deleted examples cos I could go on forever) But I need some wisdom here MN....

In brief, been with my DP 6 year and we now have 9 month old DS. My relationship with PILs has always been great. Until DS. Honestly there is something new each time we see them pretty much that pisses me off. At first I didn’t say anything to DP as I felt awkward, it’s his DM and DD! But eventually I cracked and we had a good long chat... he agreed it was all out of order etc and said he would speak to them next time something happened which I was happy about. There has since been one incident that sent me over the edge almost and the following day he went to theirs to speak to them. Came home and assured me he had mentioned it and how upset it made me and they apparently were very sorry and didn’t realise it had upset me. Seen them since and didn’t feel awkward etc....

Now PILs, they enjoy a good drink. Which is fine, that’s their choice (I do try avoid seeing them when I know there will be more than a few involved) but yesterday we nipped into the little local club with DS as they and more of DPs family were in there. After being there for approx 5 mins... FIL has whipped out a pack of chocolate buttons and was telling DS he had ‘choc choc’ for him! He’s 9 month. We don’t deprive him of the odd treat but he doesn’t need filling with shite at every occasion!! DP said not to give him any as were heading home for tea after a quick drink. Within minutes FIL was feeding ‘a couple’ of buttons. Which turned into the full pack. Then MIL was waving a Milky Way at him asking if he wanted it. To which I said no don’t give him that. MIL then proceeded to sly chunks of it into DS’s mouth when she thought I wasn’t looking! This then turned into a kinder bar!!! Between me and DP we must have said 20 times not to, to stop it etc etc... we were totally ignored and other family members kept piping up with ‘it’s what grandparents are for’!

I chose not to make a massive deal out of it because I knew the whole fam would turn on me a chip in and I’d get lost for words. I’m the sort of person that will let stuff go numerous times but then suddenly I’ll flip, and most definitely say some things I’d regret. I’m less annoyed about the chocolate it’s more the fact we are his parents and we said no! And we’re ignored. There was another little boy in there who they know and MIL shouted across the club and asked his mum if it was okay to give him some too, she said no he was going home for his tea soon. So she didn’t give him it. So why is it ok to ignore mine and DPs no but not hers? I felt totally disrespected. MIL has always been the type to think she knows better when it comes to DS!

We got home with DS and DP new I was pissed off and asked me what was wrong. I said I didn’t wanna talk about it right now cos I was sooo angry and it would come across as I was angry at him even though i wasn’t, I said to just leave me to calm down. He pushed to find out so I let rip. I did say a lot that I wasn’t mad at him and it wasn’t his fault and I know he told them no etc... but it ended in a massive argument and we still haven’t spoke! To sum it up he basically said what can he do about it! To which I may or may not have screamed ‘grow some balls and sort it out’ oops. His final words were if they are gonna continue to come between us he will just go see them alone with DS in future to save me getting upset!

How do I speak to him about it properly because I’ve blooming tried in the past and it’s not getting through. I feel annoyed that they are coming between us when we generally have a lovely relationship! And most importantly... how do I tackle this with PILs? I don’t think I’ll bring this occasion up to them, but I need some ammunition for the next time, what to say etc as it’s happening?

Apologies it so long, it could have been way longer with the amount of shit they do that winds me up!! Please some help before I end up flipping at them

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

Why did you just sit there weakly bleating "don't, stop, no"?
Just move the baby out of reach, say "no thanks MiL, he doesn't want that just before his tea" and intercept if she tries to put it in his mouth.
I know I sound harsh but really? You just sat there through all that chocolate being forcibly inserted into your baby and didn't actually do anything but seethe very quietly?

[turnthebiglightoff]

Yeah I would've just taken the baby and gone home. If he really ate that much chocolate he must've been bouncing off the walls.

[RonaldMcDonald]

Yeah, you need to do some work on being assertive
Then you say your piece set out your stall and your work is finished
If they cross the boundaries, explain your displeasure and cite that as a reason for leaving
Why’re you expecting your husband to do it all?

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

I agree with the Pp. Pick your child up and say no thank you.

They aren't taking you seriously because you don't do anything.

[TLBftm]

No it’s not harsh. That’s exactly what I did :( I don’t even know why. I’ve played it over and over in my head what I should have done. I think I was just that annoyed that I would have come across rude and as I mentioned a lot of DP’s family were also present and chipping in and I just knew if I acted on it more it would spark debate and I’d almost be bullied into accepting it and ultimately I’d kick off. Which I didn’t want, but now I feel like a shit parent for not standing up for what I think is right for DS. Argh. I think moving forward it is a good idea to just remove him from the situation

[minesagin37]

Don't take your baby to a 'club' as people in 'clubs' are generally pissed. When people are pissed they do stupid stuff. Personally I wouldn't have been there in the first place. Your the child's mother so don't hang out in clubs. You did it because of peer pressure and you are going to have to harden up and just learn to say no not doing that.

[TLBftm]

I think I’m relying on DP as it it’s his parents? If it was mine I would think I would be the one to say something not him? And I am rubbish at being assertive so hoped he would help more... tips on assertiveness?

[Chocmallows]

Don't worry about making PILs feel awkward as they clearly are happy to walk all over you. Next time remove your child and say "We already said no". Then look straight at your DP to make sure he backs you up to their face.

[TLBftm]

I agree, and wouldn’t usually take him to a club (I have hard grounds on this normally as I’m well aware DP bloody grew in that club, PILs often joke about how his schools books from the summer break would always say he was at such club)! And DP admits his childhood was spent there and we both agree that will not happen to DS, we’ve been in 3 times since having him and we’re on our way back from a day out when his FIL called to ask what we were up to and said they were in the club. We both agreed to nip in with DS, I knew it wouldn’t be for long as tea time was looming so I thought it would be fine. How wrong was I

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

Kick off! Make a scene! It's years of conditioning "be quiet, be good, don't draw attention to yourself" that leaves you feeling shit.
He is your baby, and YOU decide these things. DH obviously can't or won't say anything (probably he has been conditioned to obey his parents all his life) but you haven't.
Learn (force yourself ) not to give a flying fuck what they say, grow a pair big enough for you and DH, and just tell them.
I know it's easier said than done, but just try it. Flip!
The older I get, the less tolerance I have for bullshit and I wish I had learned earlier to just SAY stuff - much less stressful than seething...

[TLBftm]

Sorry his DF not FIL 🙄

[TLBftm]

PomBear... just laughed out loud at your comment and I’m now sat wishing I could be like you lol!! I do want to be that way but when it comes to it I just go into myself! When we were arguing last night I said I was going to text PIL in the morning when they weren’t intoxicated (I didn’t really know what I’d say I was just gonna wing it) and his response was ‘well I don’t know what that will do to your relationship with them’

[TheSandgroper]

DH and I were mid thirties before we married. At some point he made a comment in an argument and I strongly pointed out that he had had ample opportunity to marry someone like his (very lovely) mum. But he married me! Therefore, if I did something his mum didn't, then he was expected to respect it.

And I don't think I know anyone who gives chocolate to a 9 month old, anyway. Just pick up your baby and the car keys and walk out.

[StoppinBy]

Similar story for us........ although we are 6 years in and still have issues.

We had a great relationship with his parents til we had kids then it all kind of fell apart because of different parenting ideas between us and his parents.

You need to stand our ground now, not in 2 years time, trust me it gets worse and much harder to say no to things the longer it goes on, we barely see his parents now.

I would have chosen to leave if they had given more than a piece or two of chocolate after they were told not to, a 9 month old should not be eating chocolate anyway and certainly not that much, especially without parental consent.

You and your husband need to decide what is ok and what is not together, you will likely need to let go of some small things to make this happen too. Going against parents wishes is a big no and he should be saying something to his parents, I totally get where you are coming from about standing up to them in front of the rest of the family as you are the odd one out a bit but your DH should have, they are his family.

[StoppinBy]

My tip for being assertive is - it's your job to stand up for your child, you just have to do it - that's all there is to it.

I once yelled at my MIL after years of my husband and I trying to get them to keep their undesexed male border collie who could be aggressive in certain situations (possessive over my FIL and his toys, snappy if you started running or rough playing etc) apart from our kids, we finally seemed to get somewhere but my DH and I left our daughter (round 4/5 at the time) in the house with my MIL and when I went back a few minutes later I found the dog in the house with my daughter and my MIL outside. I told my daughter to grab her things that it was time to go, MIL started trying to tell me it was all ok, I lost it and yelled at her that this is why we didn't visit much because we couldn't trust them to keep our kids safe, that I couldn't wait for the dog to dies so we didn't have to worry anymore etc - luckily she misheard the part where I said I couldn't wait for the dog to die as I don't think they would have forgiven that. We packed up, got in the car and left.

Anyway, finally after years it finally sunk in just how serious it was and funnily enough they also respect many other things much better now they know that if they put our kids in dangerous situations we wont tolerate it.

[VisibleShantiLine]

I have shitty in-laws too, OP, and I'm emerging from a lifetime of letting things go to keep the peace. Trust me when I say, it's hard but once you do you no longer have to deal with the self-loathing you feel each time you let someone trample all over you. Life is much better. But it's a work in progress.

You can't change what's happened now but channel your primal mother beast and use that power and energy to do what's right for you and your daughter. Start now because your ILs aren't going to change and it's only going to get worse the more they get away with.

[Soon2BeMumof3]

I have boundary pushing in laws as well.

My epiphany about 'keeping the peace' came when I realised it had never been peaceful for me. It was their peace I was keeping with my silence.

And frankly, fuck that.

[VisibleShantiLine]

My epiphany about 'keeping the peace' came when I realised it had never been peaceful for me. It was their peace I was keeping with my silence.

And frankly, fuck that.

This in spades.

[Pixxie7]

It’s a hard one but next time you see them it might be worth laying down a few ground rules. Let them know that whilst you don’t mind him having the odd treat you would like to be asked first and definitely just before his meals.
If they don’t respect this I would stay away for a while or until they do. Also could suggest a better use for the money spent on sweets ie put in a pot for his education when he is older.

[Tweetingmagpie]

You sound like a right wet lettuce!

Grow a backbone! No way would anyone feed my 9 month old baby chocolate, and actually funnily enough my sil bought my 9 month old a Milky Way last time I saw her and I just laughed and said thanks that’s thoughtful but she’s too young for chocolate. Babies don’t need “treats”.

[Soon2BeMumof3]

OP, it's not easy to stand up in these situations and your In Laws and their extended family are deliberately creating a culture in which you don't feel free to speak up.

Give up on the idea that you can insist on your wishes being respected without paying a social cost. There will be a social cost. It will be awkward. PIL will act offended. PIL will try to make you feel you are at fault/too precious/mean or whatever. That's how they have managed to bully you into silence so far, they won't lose this control without a fight.

Do it anyway. Ride out the awkwardness. Observe it. Let them feel bad for once, you just watch.

You need to stand up for yourself and your child- otherwise you will have no inner peace and they will continue to bully and override you.

Be firm, polite, calm, repetitive. Leave if you need to. If they get offended then a simple 'I'm sorry you feel this way, but that's our decision as parents. Isn't the weather variable this week?' is the right thing to do.

And your DP needs to get on board and manage his own family better. If you've set a limit & they ignore it then DP has to pipe up 'Oi Mum, OP said no chocolates today, put them away.'

Practice in the mirror if need be.

[Fuzzywuzzywuzzy]

Chocolate buttons! Then a milky way and then to round tings off a kinder bar.

Giving the above to a toddler would have been bad enough but to give it to 9 month old baby. Against it's mother's wishes!

The PILs are so in the wrong, but as others have said you need to stand up to them and say no.

What are you going to do if this carries on and when they are older, let your child have a sip of what they are drinking, give them ciggarettes, etc.

Do not let them anywhere near you and your child until they start showing you some respect. That includes your partner ad well.

[Mesacasa]

@minesagin37 I think she means like a social club, not a nightclub.

[Creepster]

It is my firmly held position that people who refuse to take no for an answer are not safe to be around. Particularly not safe for children to be around. The in law's judgment is shockingly bad. Unfortunately your partner views it as normal.

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

You can do it! Tell DH " my relationship with my child is more important. I can live with or without your parents in my life." If you really want to go for it, add "sod fuck them, they do it our way or not at all" and MEAN it (even if you are quaking inside.) You standing firm might be all he needs to get beside you and do it too.
Like pp have said, don't let it carry on or one day down the road you'll snap and fart and really let rip, and atm the relationship might be salvageable.