To be upset?

[Jellybeansincognito]

My husband has spent the day trying to wind me up, the final straw however was when he brought up something that happened in my past and said it was my fault.

What is this thing that’s my fault your probably wondering?

When I was 16 I had a boyfriend and a male best friend, my boyfriend broke up with me one day (I wasn’t ready for the sex stuff, he was) and my me best friends family had gone on holiday without him, I went to his and we raided the alcohol cupboard- I was pretty much gone.
I remembered I’d thrown up on myself (only time I’ve ever been sick from drinking, I know.. not wise but I was 16 and 16 year olds aren’t exactly known to be sensible).
And knew that my friend had removed my top to wash it for me. He put me on the sofa.
I don’t really know what happened next apart from the fact I woke up when it was very dark and still being drunk wasn’t sure why he was on top of me- I was so drunk and disorientated I didn’t stay conscious and didn’t think about this again until the next morning when I woke up sober and went to the toilet to discover I’d been bleeding.

It took me days for my friend to admit that he had sex with me.

I felt disgusting and a lot of people turned against me because I wanted to report it, they all blamed me for being drunk.
I never reported it because of this.

The one person who is supposed to love me and be there for me is making me feel just like I did back then and I don’t know where to go from here.

Hand hold please?

[Shoxfordian]

I'm so sorry your husband thinks it was your fault you were raped. I don't know how you can stay with him now

[Wherearemycrayons]

What a fucking dickhead, this would honestly make me LTB, I’m not joking. It was not your fault!! Drunk or not that gives NO ONE any excuse to ever do something against your will or without yo consent.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

It was absolutely not your fault.

Your husband should be well on the way to being an ex now, he is supposed to love you not use painful memories of your rape to score points.

I'm so sorry he has made you feel like this

[Cherrysoup]

What’s the guck is your husband doing being so fucking disgusting? Does he really believe it’s your fault? Why is he being so nasty? Are you on the verge of breaking up or something?

[Passtherioja]

He knows that what he's saying is unforgivable...is there a reason why he would want to upset you like this? If he's been trying to wind you up all day and then thrown in the "ace card" then he's obviously trying to cause a major incident.

[Jellybeansincognito]

He has seriously asked me if I’ve stopped sulking yet about this, I’ve been crying.

I’ve told him that I think he’s disgusting. He genuinely doesn’t see what’s so bad about what’s he’s saying. To justify it he has asked if it would of happened if I wasn’t drunk, I said no- his logic is that this is clearly the cause.

[Shoxfordian]

He's a knob
Please stop blaming yourself op, if any part of you is

[Drogosnextwife]

What the fuck! You need to tell him how fucking disgusting and wrong he is, and then I would consider leaving him. I couldn't be with someone who victim blames anyone, never mind their own wife.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

The cause of you being raped is the rapist. NOT you being drunk, NOT what you were wearing, NOT any of the other excuses these people use. Not one part of this was your fault. Your husband is a victim blaming piece of shit.

[Drogosnextwife]

So the cause is you being drunk, not the disgusting rapist who took advantage of a young girl who was passed out!
He can not be serious?

[Jellybeansincognito]

Funnily enough it’s our second wedding anniversary today.

He has spent the day just trying to wind me up- starting with at soft play, trying to kiss and cuddle me constantly even though I kept saying to stop because it’s inappropriate.
He then called me a bore and told me to lighten up, told me to stop sulking and proceeding to drive out of the soft play place and up the road doing about 5mph, then flooring it because I told him to just drive properly and stop being such a danger.

Only minor petty stuff but I don’t know, he just seems to want to upset me today and he really has done it now.
I can’t even look at him.

[Ffsnosexallowed]

Do he thinks it's ok to have sex with a woman who is so drink she can't consent?? I couldn't be with our trust someone who thinks it's ok to rape.

[Interestedwoman]

How awful. :( What a wanker.

I had a similar thing with an ex boyf throwing something that happened to me back in my face. It wasn't the only wankerish thing he was doing at the time- there was a lot of pressuring for sex etc. I'm sure this isn't the only nasty thing of some kind your husband is currently doing. :(

[Jellybeansincognito]

I don’t really know what to do to get myself out of this situation to be honest.

I’m a sahm and have no full financial access, i have his card information and can use Apple Pay but can’t secure myself with big funds and he doesn’t transfer anything into my account or anything. He is in receipt of child benefit etc too.

I’m living away from family, my eldest is at school now but yeah... I’m all alone here, joint mortgage, married- no other security.

[Corna]

No, none of this is minor stuff, not by a long shot.

[DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult]

Oh what a mess op.

How is your relationship generally? Why is he in control of all the finances? Was it your suggestion, or his? Really you should get the child benefit in your name regardless as this will protect your national insurance.

[Jellybeansincognito]

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult on and off tbh. We’ve been together since 2009, it’s been a challenge but I just thought it was the same for any relationship.

His idea- I’m apparently terrible with money, I don’t think so tbh but 🤷‍♀️.

The child benefit is in joint names I believe, just to his account.

[Jellybeansincognito]

He’s done some pretty shitty things. Biggest I’d say this, and also when my mum died (short aggressive cancer battle) he gave me silent treatment for 2 days and refused to talk to me when I needed him the most.
I didn’t know what I’d done wrong? Nothing to my knowledge.

I found that one pretty hard to forgive... don’t think I have forgiven it tbh, definitely haven’t forgotten.

[NoraEphronsneck]

Your last post suggests he is financially abusing you too.

He thinks.he can say.what he likes to you because he holds the purse strings.

[Halloumiwrap]

Do not let your children grow up thinking this treatment of you and your husband’s attitudes are normal or acceptable OP.
You have to leave. It will be really hard but not as hard as spending the rest of your life with this man and seeing the effect it has on your children’s’ development and future. Through the really tough times imagine yourself a month, a year, 5 years down the line. You will one day be so proud of yourself for putting your children first and achieving so much.
You could have been as drunk as anyone in history and if the rapist wasn’t there you would not have been raped!

[bobstersmum]

You need to work out a plan to get away op. My friend recently left her partner and I'm sure she said she gets 1400 universal credit (she has 2 dc and only works agency which is now and then) she wasn't on a mortgage though, not sure if it makes a difference.

[Lifeisabeach09]

You have no power in this relationship and are married to a dickhead, who deliberately provokes and hurts you to score points.
Perhaps you should ask him if he was drunk and some man stripped him off and violated him, would he feel it was his own fault?
And why does he control all the money?
You need to make changes, OP, financially at least. You are very vulnerable.

[bottlenose301]

What a horrible man.

Ask him what he's trying to achieve here.

[Jellybeansincognito]

I feel it too.

Ok, what do I do first?

I don’t drive either which is an issue- I did learn and pass but I wasn’t very confident/ have no one to come with me and give me some driving confidence.

If I could drive it would be a totally different ball game, I think it’s just clicked to me why he’s not so keen on helping me gain confidence in that area 😩🤦🏼‍♀️