Uncomfortable friend?

[PurpleFrames]

Hello,

Advice wanted about a newish friend. Known her for about a year during which I have been some difficult times and she has been supportive. I have a mental illness and been in hospital, she picked up clothes from my house for me once for example.

However a lot of the time she makes me feel uncomfortable. Leaving long silences. Says she does not like pointless chit chat and refuses to say what she does for a job, her hobbies, her family life etc.

I don't mean to be nosy but it is hard to have a friendship with someone so closed off. I am never sure if I have done something wrong or if she's like this in general.

Should I say something? If so what?
It makes me so uneasy I get anxiety when I know she's coming round. Which isn't often as she doesn't like messaging so will just announce she's nearby that am/pm so do I want her to come round...

(I am reasonably new to Mumsnet so be kind)

[Karabair]

Very weird. How did you become friends?

[Interestedwoman]

YANBU. Awkward silences are awkward. If she doesn't want to say what she does for a living, I'd assume she doesn't have a job due to mental health problems herself or something.

[PurpleFrames]

@Karabair
I met her at a mutual friends house- however she no longer sees this friend as they fell out over something unrelated.

@Interestedwoman
I understand that- she wouldn't get judgment from me tho as I'm in the same situation. I'm just not sure what the big secret is about everything :S

[cubed123]

Very odd , how can you be friends with someone you know nothing about?
If it’s causing you anxiety then clearly this so called friendship isn’t good for you.

[Karabair]

I think what it is is that because she comes to see you you're confusing whatever she is up to with friendship. She doesn't sound like your friend in the slightest. She makes you uncomfortable because you're picking up on this.

Tell her you're busy when she tries to come and visit you.

[purpleme12]

I'd ask her why she won't talk about certain things

[CAG12]

Shes been your friend for a year and she wont tell you what her job is etc?! VERY weird. Friends are supposed to make you feel good!

Id be distancing myself.

[PurpleFrames]

That's what I feel @cubed123 if I ever make a comment about something eg. Liking a bath with a bath bomb it always pitters off into how that's wasteful/boring/not her thing

@Karabair I'm not sure if it's maybe my illness making me overly anxious?

@CAG12 I've not been making effort to message her and only waited for her to message me as sometimes if reached out during difficult times as she'd not bother to reply or just say "busy"

[PurpleFrames]

What I meant to say there was as far as I know I am her only friend so I don't want her to be lonely if this is just her way...

[Blueshadow]

It sounds odd and unfriendly. Can you ask the mutual friend to shed any light? There’s being socially awkward and being plain difficult.

[Karabair]

I'm anxious just reading this. She sounds unpleasant, so I don't see why it would be your illness making you feel like this. It seems more likely that your illness is making you more vulnerable to her.

If she doesn't have any friends, there's a reason for it. The way she is behaving is not friendly, quite the opposite.

[Kallyderon]

I am also feeling uncomfortable about this op. It doesn't sound like she's after a regular friendship so I'd be questioning what her motives are for continuing to see you. Has she asked you for money?

[NoraEphronsneck]

I also have a friend like this. I've purposely phased her out over the past year. Although we're still in touch sporadically, I don't commit to meeting up anymore as it's really hard work.

[RainbowsAndGlitterAndUnicorns]

That's very strange...., I'm also suspicious. Can you give an indication if the types of things she does share with you or want to discuss?

Does she ask for financial support or to borrow things? Have you been to her house?

[Paintedmaypole]

It isn't just your illness making you feel anxious, she is unusual and is making no effort to put you at ease. I would build up other friendships and stop being proactive in seeking her out. If she contacts you just be pleasant but I wouldn't invest too much effort or it is all one way.

[PurpleFrames]

Thanks everyone for being honest. In all honesty after reading these replies and what I've written I don't think I would be friends with her if I wasn't ill and lonely/isolated I'd probably just have brushed it off long ago.

@Blueshadow mutual friend also found her awkward and when they fell out some nasty things were said.

@Kallyderon and @RainbowsAndGlitterAndUnicorns
No she's never asked for money, I have occasionally cooked for her as that is a thing I like to do. Also I have offered her clothes that no longer fit me (part of my illness is eating disorder so I lost a lot of weight) as she had complimented me on them.

I have been to her house once but I felt she was actually worse there and was only let in because I was literally outside so she couldn't say no. I had thick clothes on and commented it was hot and she turned the heating up and shut the windows. So I left sharpish...

[quincejamplease]

It seems more likely that your illness is making you more vulnerable to her.

This worries me too about what you're describing.

[Karabair]

it was hot and she turned the heating up and shut the windows. So I left sharpish...

Keep walking away in the opposite direction from her. She's a nasty piece of work, and obviously taking advantage of your vulnerability and loneliness,

[Thehop]

More batshit than Dracula’s shed.

Walk away from this sharpish!

[summersherewishiwasnt]

She’s a weirdy. Look for new friends.

[Wheat2Harvest]

Does your friend have autism? This sounds like someone I know who has autism but who doesn't like telling people because he's afraid of being rejected.

People with autism usually find socialising and communication difficult.

[PurpleFrames]

I'm surprised at how everyone is saying the same thing.

I did disclose to her how I had left an abusive relationship which triggered my illness. The next time I saw her she said how we can't dwell on bad things and we get what we attract. I felt really upset for ages as I felt she was saying I deserved what had happened/was happening.

@summersherewishiwasnt it is really hard to make friends :/ everyone I meet is usually in mental health services themselves so not always very well or able to maintain friendship...

@Wheat2Harvest I don't think so. I've never asked, I have talked positively about autism tho due to my past career and friend didn't mention anything

[Thecurtainsofdestiny]

It doesn't sound like a mutual friendship. I'd find it hard to trust someone like this.

[Kallyderon]

OP I get what you're saying about the people you are meeting. It is difficult to make healthy supportive friendships if the only people around you are struggling themselves. What sort of stage are you at with recovery? Would the team around you be able to help you with, say, introducing you to someone who needs a couple of hours a week help from a volunteer, say in a charity shop or are you not quite there yet?

Either way, I think you should distance yourself from her. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong and for whatever reason it's good to listen to them to protect yourself. You've been through a lot. Give yourself permission to avoid anything else.

[PurpleFrames]

I'd say I'm in the slow slog stage of recovery as opposed to the utter crisis imminent hospital stage 🙈

I wouldn't mind something like a charity shop, I just feel like I'd panic. Sometimes I have 3+ appointments a week and have just started doing 2 1/2 work days (which I will soon pack in I think). Although I do nothing I feel I have no time!...