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To be a bit pissed off with my brother?

(80 Posts)
Paraballa Sat 19-Oct-19 22:41:03

I probably am but this happened last year too so I wasn't expecting a repeat. I thought he'd seen how it didn't really work.

My bro is older than me, no kids though he did want them, his gf didn't (and is probably now too old). He loves my two loads and is a fab uncle when we see him, though that's not much.

It's his birthday soon. And like last year he has decided to book a pub which has a skittles alley, for a Saturday night.

On the group email to all his friends and me and OH, and my parents, he has obviously pointed out it's no kids. Because it's a pub at night.

Fair enough.

But it's 2 hours' drive from us, and the same from where he lives. It's near our parents where we will all need to stay in order to go.

However

If he and his gf stay my mum can't cope with me and my family there too (she's elderly). She used to be able to but this year decided she can't any more. Which is fine but awkward.

Even if we can stay there (can't afford a hotel if we can't) then dh or me have to stay to "babysit" our children at my parents'. We don't know any babysitters up there and my dad won't allow strangers in the house anyway.

Last year dh and I tag teamed but it was crap to be honest. Dh can't just stay in because he was my brother's friend for years before he and I got together and wants to see his friends. Plus they're more his friends than mine do they'd all rather see him than me. (I was always just bro's little sis and now I'm DH's wife IYSWIM?)

AIBU to be pissed off that we basically can't go? I feel really upset as it's like he's deliberately excluding me/us when if he picked, say, bowling in the day followed by drinks we could go at least for some of it.

I know i can't say anything but this year I think I will decline instead of trying to make it work and then having a crap time.

So AIBU and a crap sister to be pissed off and not go? Dh wants to go but it will end up me stuck "babysitting" and I may as well be at home really.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre Sat 19-Oct-19 22:45:43

I wouldn't think he deliberately excluded you. He's picked something that he enjoys doing for his birthday. If it doesn't suit you just don't go. I assume it's not a significant birthday as the same celebration was done last year.

I haven't been at my brother's birthday party since he was 10!!

Preggosaurus9 Sat 19-Oct-19 22:49:50

That is a lot of drama over an adult's birthday. How about suggesting an additional celebration with brunch or lunch so you and DH can both make it? Or even suggesting brother/sister bonding time if that's what you want? This plan doesn't work for you, fair enough, it wasn't intended to, but nothing stopping you suggesting something else to celebrate in addition which does suit you.

CSIblonde Sat 19-Oct-19 22:49:52

Do any neighbours have a16+ responsible teen who'd want to earn some one off cash & the neighbour could pop round half way in just in case too? Otherwise I'd just say childcare's an issue & leave it tbh.

Mephisto Sat 19-Oct-19 22:50:23

YANBU not to go. Just say you have no childcare.

Maybe DH can go by himself if he fenaciee the 2 hour druve and you and the kdd stay home (as you say he knows the attendees better).

summersherewishiwasnt Sat 19-Oct-19 22:51:14

It’s how things play out when some friends have kids and others don’t. Arrange something else to do with him.

Paraballa Sat 19-Oct-19 22:52:47

I missed out that I think he will be cross if we don't go and my parents will be upset if I don't do I feel under pressure as well as actually wanting to see my brother but being unable to.

midnightmisssuki Sat 19-Oct-19 22:55:55

Babysitter?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre Sat 19-Oct-19 22:57:51

He's an adult... Having a birthday party 2 hours away from your house!! There will be others who can't make it. Although I don't understand why he's having a party, I can understand why of its in a pub, at night, it wouldnt be appropriate for children.

Suggest meeting him for lunch someday instead.

angelikacpickles Sat 19-Oct-19 23:01:53

Either you or DH go and the other stay home with the kids.

Moondancer73 Sat 19-Oct-19 23:05:41

What about DH's parents? Are they nearby, and capable of babysitting or having the children overnight?

Paddingtonthebear Sat 19-Oct-19 23:05:58

Well you can’t go both can you, and he knew this when he was booking it. Just say you can’t make it. Sadly if he wanted his sister there then he would make it a bit easier for you wouldn’t he.

No angst required for adult birthdays confused

RandomMess Sat 19-Oct-19 23:06:27

Invite him and partner to yours some other weekend to celebrate his birthday.

Ohyesiam Sat 19-Oct-19 23:07:14

Well he can be upset, and your parents can pressure you but the fact I s you have no childcare.
Arrange a lunch at a family friendly pub near you both.

Contraceptionismyfriend Sat 19-Oct-19 23:07:21

Be an adult and say that unfortunately you can't make it due to childcare

So what if others get pissy. Tell them to get a grip.

Paraballa Sat 19-Oct-19 23:07:50

I have explained we can't get a babysitter. My dad won't allow strangers in the house.

If only one of us can go then there's no point going as DH will want to and I don't want to sit in my parents house on my own.

I guess people don't understand but I have always spent my brother's birthday with him, every year, so it's a big deal not to be able to go.

OwlinaTree Sat 19-Oct-19 23:08:07

Humm. Maybe you are going to go but suddenly come down with a horrible cold on the Saturday so decide to give it a miss. Or perhaps you are feeling really sick...

NerrSnerr Sat 19-Oct-19 23:11:40

Why would one of you need to sit in your parents house? Why not one of you go while the other one stays in your own home? Or just decline. If they're stroppy that's their problem.

PurpleDaisies Sat 19-Oct-19 23:11:51

Although I don't understand why he's having a party, I can understand why of its in a pub, at night, it wouldnt be appropriate for children.

Why don’t you get that adults still like to celebrate birthdays? Very odd.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect him to plan a child friendly party on his own birthday.

PurpleDaisies Sat 19-Oct-19 23:12:48

If only one of us can go then there's no point going as DH will want to

And you can’t say it’s your brother’s birthday so you are the one going?

NerrSnerr Sat 19-Oct-19 23:13:28

I guess people don't understand but I have always spent my brother's birthday with him, every year, so it's a big deal not to be able to go.

If it's this important to you then explain this to your husband, he stays at home with the children and you go. It's your brother so you get first dibs on going.

morrisseysquif Sat 19-Oct-19 23:21:16

Is it a big birthday...? I don't get all this fuss about adult birthdays. See him another time.

Hecateh Sat 19-Oct-19 23:23:50

Whilst ever you find a way of 'working it out' he won't even realise it's an issue.

Suggest you plan another occasion this year as the pub/skittles doesn't work for you.

If he complains then just say that, if he wants you both there then he has to organise somewhere you can take kids but that rather than him have to alter his plans maybe you could do something a different day.

bookwormsforever Sat 19-Oct-19 23:27:36

Well, either your dh goes and you stay at home with dc (then have a weekend away yourself later)

Or you say to your brother, you’d love to help him celebrate his bday but the pub thing doesn’t work for you and dc. Invite h8m to yours for a weekend or for lunch.

Hopefully he’s mature enough to accept this.

MintyMabel Sat 19-Oct-19 23:31:53

I missed out that I think he will be cross if we don't go and my parents will be upset if I don't

And? It seems they’ve all gone out of their way to make it difficult for you, why should they be pissed off if you don’t go?

Tell him it doesn’t work for you and you hope he has a great night.

Or, you go and leave DH at home with the kids.

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