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Should I apologise

(137 Posts)
CannotbearsedRN Fri 18-Oct-19 23:36:01

Background 35 weeks pregnant with twins massive, exhausted and sore.

‘D’P has his son this weekend who is 10 DP was working today and I was picking up DSS from school along with my DD (6). First DSS has been to stay in a few months as there have been issues with his mum. So I made sure we had a nice night planned with Halloween activities etc.

DP then rang to say he was being kept on in work until 10 so I told DSS who cried as he missed his dad. I continued on with the planned activities dss had a toilet accident (which I have tried to get DP to sort out but there is no improvement) I cleaned that up text DP to tell him
And he said I was ‘getting at him’.

DSS then started playing his game console online which I really really don’t agree with kids gaming online so mentioned this to DP and he said his mum lets him. So I said yes but this is our house we have our rules...he replied saying he didn’t want to rock the boat as he’s only back. Which I just think is ridiculous parenting so he told me to sort it but I didn’t feel comfortable enough.

It got to 930 and DD was exhausted so I put her to bed then told DSS his bed time would be 1030. I finally sat down at 1045 with a cuppa and half hour later DP comes in (finally) and because said that I was rude as I didn’t reply to his message on the way home. No thanks for sorting out everything today nothing. He went for a shower and I’ve just heard him get into bed. Wtaf is his problem! He has never had my DD all evening and I know he would no bother but I would at least be a little grateful. Apparently I’m just miserable and I probably am but I am exhausted all the time. Should I just bite the bullet and go in and apologise?

spanglydangly Sun 20-Oct-19 22:52:39

Ok, @CannotbearsedRN I misinterpreted that, I apologise.

Get to bed and have a good (as it can be heavily pregnant with twins) sleep.

CannotbearsedRN Sun 20-Oct-19 22:45:08

Sorry he didn’t drive to the pub no way! It was before he left he said he’d only have three drinks so if I did go into labour he would be sober enough

spanglydangly Sun 20-Oct-19 21:54:18

@Motoko you may be right, I may have taken that wrong. I hope so.

If I have, I apologise.

Motoko Sun 20-Oct-19 21:45:57

Who said he'd be driving?

spanglydangly Sun 20-Oct-19 20:52:29

So YOU KNOW that he will have over the limit to drive and that's fine as you won't be getting in the car with him?

What about all the other innocent people on the road that he may kill?

Shame on you, you should be calling the police.

SurfingGiantess Sun 20-Oct-19 19:59:56

So he's left his son with you again plus your daughter plus you're heavily pregnant with twins... and he's doing his hobby, the gym and the pub....??? Yeah right poor him. He sounds awful and selfish when he should treat you like a queen still going being pregnant with 2 of his babies.
And I feel so sorry for his son. I can totally understand why he didn't have contact with his dad... he's not even there making the most of the time he has with his son.

AngelOfDeathNix Sun 20-Oct-19 19:38:35

So after everything, he has gone out drinking with his mates, what a total waste of space.

I feel for you OP, but that little boy must feel dreadful, he's literally passed around with no consistency and a dad who frankly doesn't seem to give a toss. The toileting issue needs to be addressed, you said that you collected him and your dd from school, do they go to the same school? Could you speak with the school about the toileting issues? If it's happening during school hours, is there a reason? My dd is in Y5 and they've been told that they aren't allowed to go to the toilet during lessons (that's a whole other thread), but could it be something as simple as this which is causing the issues?

C0untDucku1a Sun 20-Oct-19 19:03:54

It is easier to make major changes when the babies are in your womb, than out of it.

Tistheseason17 Sun 20-Oct-19 18:34:52

Obviously I will not have him driving me anywhere after 3 drinks no way

He shouldn't be driving at all! He could kill someone else's child. I would report him for drink driving.

OooErMissus Sun 20-Oct-19 18:05:42

* he was more ‘pity me’ as all he does is his hobby and the gym so why am I so hard on him.*

...and then he promptly fucks off to the pub??

What a sub-standard man he is.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead Sun 20-Oct-19 18:05:38

OMG he's awful! sad

CannotbearsedRN Sun 20-Oct-19 17:14:56

Obviously I will not have him driving me anywhere after 3 drinks no way!

Tistheseason17 Sun 20-Oct-19 17:09:17

3 drinks? Then drive?

As a rule of thumb, two pints of regular-strength lager or two small glasses of wine would put him over the limit.

He's not good for you and DC in so many ways.

NoSquirrels Sun 20-Oct-19 17:05:42

I am not stupid I can’t make any major life changes atm
For me my unborn children and my DD so I will bide my time.

You’re right it’s a bad time to make changes and have any emotional upheaval. I do think you really need to confide in whatever family and friends you can that things aren’t necessarily great and you’re feeling unsupported- you’re going to need them so try to surround yourself with as much practical and emotional support as you can.

CannotbearsedRN Sun 20-Oct-19 16:22:04

Hi sorry for late update I was so busy last night we had a chat this morning and he wasn’t nasty he was more ‘pity me’ as all he does is his hobby and the gym so why am I so hard on him.

I told him how he makes me feel unappreciated and that I feel I’m going to be a single mum. He apologised but I could tell he didn’t really mean it.

An hour later he asked could he go out with his mates to watch the football after he left his DS home I said yes because I just can’t be bothered looking at him. I am not stupid I can’t make any major life changes atm
For me my unborn children and my DD so I will bide my time. He will only have three drinks incase I need him we will be but I actually just don’t care anymore

timshelthechoice Sat 19-Oct-19 17:34:28

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sewrainbow Sat 19-Oct-19 17:17:08

He sounds a right twat, you have nothing to apologise for...

His poor, poor son. I have a 10 year old, I'd be horrified if he had sat in that all day and nothing was being done to sort it and his father didn't drop his hobby to spend time with him sad

NoSquirrels Sat 19-Oct-19 17:14:14

Not a good idea getting pregnant by someone who can’t be arsed with the kid they’ve got!

Why would you bother to write this Sprinkle? She’s 35 weeks + with twins, FGS. Do you think she needs a lecture or support?

No, it’s not an ideal scenario. But hopefully one day when you’re in a not ideal scenario no one will point out you’ve brought it on yourself, and then not offer any useful advice to help you in future.

It’s not hard to be kind.

quincejamplease Sat 19-Oct-19 17:10:44

For goodness sake, he's an abusive bastard who's trained you so well to take his abuse and blame yourself that you were preparing to trot off and apologise for his shitty behaviour.

I have no concerns for her future or my twins as I will make sure it’s good.

I think you misunderstand pps.

You can't make sure their future is good when you're making them live with an abusive man and modelling this shitshow as normal and acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

So they will grow up thinking it's normal for people who claim to love you to treat you like shit, manipulate you, and blame you for their crap behaviour.

Which leaves them at risk of ending up in unhealthy or abusive relationships and to have no idea it's wrong because you never gave them a model for healthy relationships.

That is how their futures get fucked up by you continuing to expose them to this shit. Doesn't matter how good your parenting is if they're living in an abusive environment. They still get fucked up by it.

Just because he's not as much of a dick as your ex doesn't mean he's a good guy.

NaviSprite Sat 19-Oct-19 17:08:08

He sounds like a horrible manchild OP and I cannot believe the lack of any recognition for what you did for HIS child.

I think what @NoSquirrels said is the approach I’d take in your circumstances.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, alongside your DD being let down by her own father and all whilst you’re pregnant with twins (congratulations from another twin mum btw).

He needs to grow up, you’re not a live in nanny to any of the children in your family unit, you are Mother to your DD (and the twins) you are Step Mother to his DS. HE needs to step up, HE needs to apologise and HE needs to realise a hobby is never and will never be a valid excuse for not spending what time he can get with his child.


Italiangreyhound Sat 19-Oct-19 17:02:47

"I just know how this will go he will tell me how I have handled everything wrong and how he is amazing."

He is not amazing. He is failing. Failing with his son, failing with you and probably gerting ready to fail with these two new children.

Sadly, I've got no real advice except to get your financial ducks in a row. Maybe if he grows the fuck up, there is s chance he can stop screwing up his kids. Maybe.

Italiangreyhound Sat 19-Oct-19 17:00:13


"The pooing issue nothing is done app they looked into it a few years ago and it got sorted but sometimes comes back."

My son had this at about 5. It had two causes, a kind of back up of poo due to stool hardness, so he is on Pediatric Laxido. It's s mild powder added to a drink.

But also was pyschomatic and linked to a new school class. I told him I knew he could manage it and we handled new class transitions better.

As your DSS is quite early in a new school year, coukd it be linked?

SprinkleDash Sat 19-Oct-19 16:56:56

Not a good idea getting pregnant by someone who can’t be arsed with the kid they’ve got!

glitterfarts Sat 19-Oct-19 16:52:52

Out of curiosity, whose surname does your DD have? Yours or ex-DP's?

Dollymixture22 Sat 19-Oct-19 16:37:21

I am so sorry your daughter was let down. Her dad sounds a bit like your current partner. So you have two very disappointed children this weekend.

If your partner can’t see this then he needs to grow up.

He has three children and a partner, who also has another child. Does his hobby take up every Saturday?

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