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Should I apologise

(137 Posts)
CannotbearsedRN Fri 18-Oct-19 23:36:01

Background 35 weeks pregnant with twins massive, exhausted and sore.

‘D’P has his son this weekend who is 10 DP was working today and I was picking up DSS from school along with my DD (6). First DSS has been to stay in a few months as there have been issues with his mum. So I made sure we had a nice night planned with Halloween activities etc.

DP then rang to say he was being kept on in work until 10 so I told DSS who cried as he missed his dad. I continued on with the planned activities dss had a toilet accident (which I have tried to get DP to sort out but there is no improvement) I cleaned that up text DP to tell him
And he said I was ‘getting at him’.

DSS then started playing his game console online which I really really don’t agree with kids gaming online so mentioned this to DP and he said his mum lets him. So I said yes but this is our house we have our rules...he replied saying he didn’t want to rock the boat as he’s only back. Which I just think is ridiculous parenting so he told me to sort it but I didn’t feel comfortable enough.

It got to 930 and DD was exhausted so I put her to bed then told DSS his bed time would be 1030. I finally sat down at 1045 with a cuppa and half hour later DP comes in (finally) and because said that I was rude as I didn’t reply to his message on the way home. No thanks for sorting out everything today nothing. He went for a shower and I’ve just heard him get into bed. Wtaf is his problem! He has never had my DD all evening and I know he would no bother but I would at least be a little grateful. Apparently I’m just miserable and I probably am but I am exhausted all the time. Should I just bite the bullet and go in and apologise?

krankykittykat Sat 19-Oct-19 00:40:35

Are you not worried hes going to be a shit father to your twins like he is to his son?

CannotbearsedRN Sat 19-Oct-19 00:50:24

My Dd father is shit so I’ve spent the last six years doing mummy and daddy it’s not really phasing me if I have to do it to 3. DP is ruined by his mother had his DS at 21 so she kind of did everything for them. I have always said he needs to make more parenting choices and am hopeful because he is older he may bond?!! Better with these babies and step up.

Also we were texting throughout the evening it wasn’t me randomly texting when things went ‘wrong’ I was telling him all parts of the evening. I would love to parent DSS as I think both parents don’t want to be the bad guy so there are no real rules he’s to follow. But I don’t feel comfortable incase he stops coming again and then it will be my fault for being too strict.

I don’t feel I am strict and the rules I would have are same for DD too e.g. no devices in bedrooms, eat all dinner before treats, McDonalds is a special treat not every bloody time you see a drive thru (this is what DSS thinks) so I don’t feel I am a wicked step mum but I would be made to feel it

WorriedSENMum Sat 19-Oct-19 00:51:27

He sounds like a right one. hmm Can see why his relationship with DSS mum broke down. Feel so sorry for poor DSS & you & the twins too. This guy is a selfish waste of space! sad

TheSerenDipitY Sat 19-Oct-19 01:33:34

after reading above... when the twins are born id be leaving him off the BC and giving them my last name.... as he is not going to change, his cycling/running/gaming hobby will ALWAYS come first

OooErMissus Sat 19-Oct-19 01:33:44

You have every red flag waving madly to show this man actually IS already a massively sub-standard father, so you decide to get pregnant to him....? confused

PerkyPomPoms Sat 19-Oct-19 01:51:57

He’s a waste of space! His poor son!

buckeejit Sat 19-Oct-19 02:04:25

He's a dick,you should be able to
Talk & agree on rules for all dc.

whywhywhy6 Sat 19-Oct-19 02:16:10

I’m surprised you’re in a relationship with him, let alone having children with him, given you’ve had ample opportunity to see his parenting skills (or lack of) first hand.

I’m genuinely sad for his son, but I have little sympathy for you given you chose this person to be in your life.

I know that’s harsh. I’m sorry. But you need to have a look at things before these babies arrive, and have some frank conversations with him.

HappyDinosaur Sat 19-Oct-19 02:49:54

He needs to grow up and realize that he made the decision to become a father, step father, father to be and partner, frankly he does not have time for hobbies right now. Go out somewhere in the morning before he does and leave him to enjoy the company of his son for the day, perhaps he can join in the hobby with him, it will be good practice for him to actually be a father for once.

SnowyRacoon Sat 19-Oct-19 02:53:27

So has he even bothered seeing his son?

JenniferM1989 Sat 19-Oct-19 03:01:02

So he worked late tonight and is going out tomorrow so he's basically going to have seen his son for all of a couple of hours? For the first time in months?

He sounds very selfish OP and perhaps you can see why the relationship is strained with his ex. That poor boy. Your P (he doesn't really deserve DP does he?) sounds like an avoidant father. Here's you running around double pregnant at 35 weeks as well and no thanks. At least you're already prepared to do it all alone again as it sounds like you might have to

Penelopeschat Sat 19-Oct-19 03:01:35

A man who isn’t able to parent his current child is not going to ‘step up’ as you hope @CannotbearsedRN and be a great Dad to his new children. It just doesn’t work that way.
I feel very very sad for your step son. I hope his Dad can see he deserves to feel wanted and have his parent spend time with him. Definitely he should come before a weekend hobby. It’s shocking your DP is hobbling Saturday instead of parenting.

HouseworkAvoider10 Sat 19-Oct-19 03:13:08

I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with him because he obviously doesn't care about his kids.
but its too late now, so the best thing would be to ditch him and get on with you own life, because he'll never change.

Creepster Sat 19-Oct-19 03:21:59

I am so sorry.

Italiangreyhound Sat 19-Oct-19 04:15:15

CannotbearsedRN I am very sorry for you. Looks like you are going to bringing up twins with a man who cannot do much and is unpleasant as well. Very sorry. Maybe there are reasons his ex isn't very nice to him.

Please do not apologize. he should be apologizing to all of you.

CannotbearsedRN Sat 19-Oct-19 08:01:13

I don’t regret getting pregnant at all I’m very excited about my babies.

I have spoken to him lots of times about spending more QT time with DSS but I always got ‘his granny needs to see him too’ and the granny always always makes sure P gets to do his hobby no matter what.

We had a talk this morning and I said he shouldn’t be doing the hobby today we are also out tonight for my mums bday meal so his solution is he’ll do his hobby then keep DSS tonight rather than stay in his granny’s and skip my mums meal. It’s kids free me and my siblings for our kids all minded I’m not going to start it’s his choice I think I’m just beyond caring right now. He always says how unreasonable I am when I pull him up on his behaviour

SurfingGiantess Sat 19-Oct-19 08:11:02

He's not putting his son first! That's really sad. His hobby seems to come before everything. I'd be furious. He cannot do his hobby because his son was in tears last night cause he misses his dad!!!! Not his granny!!! That's just his excuse it's redicilous behaviour.
That's probably why he stopped seeing his dad because he doesn't want to see his son.
Your partner seems to offload him onto you and his mother and feel entitled to it too. No thanks or sorry? That's not the actions of a good father/ man.

emilybrontescorsett Sat 19-Oct-19 08:18:10

He is going to do his hobby today and therefore pass his step down over to his mother 😡 after not seeing his son yesterday.
What is the point?
Once dss gets older he will probably not bother with his dad and who would blame him.
This is inexcusable behaviour.
Your dh sounds terrible.

TheFatberg Sat 19-Oct-19 08:20:30

Those are crazy late bedtimes for a 6 and 10 year old.

SummerWhisper Sat 19-Oct-19 08:23:25

He will be a father of 4 in a few weeks, including your daughter. He is a shit, unreliable parent and an uncaring, selfish, entitled man who gaslights you. He may have some good points, but perhaps you should think about whether you need a strained relationship with this man or to focus on being the only carer for your children with him dipping in and out over the years with no responsibility towards your joint children and certainly no parenting skills. Congratulations on your pregnancy and your children are lucky to have a committed, caring, responsible mother flowers

CannotbearsedRN Sat 19-Oct-19 08:23:58

It was a treat night as DSS hadn’t been here for a while my Dd is usually in bed far far earlier.

MRex Sat 19-Oct-19 08:26:48

I couldn't be with a man who doesn't love their own child, and his every action makes that clear. Let the poor boy stay just with his mum rather than keep being forced to feel the full weight of that arsehole's disinterestedness.

It was obviously a big mistake to get pregnant by such a heartless man, but what's done is done. It would be better for your twins if you separate before they get to know him, you're setting them up for a lifetime of disappointment otherwise. Start planning now and separate at the time that works for you and your kids.

Pharlapwasthebest Sat 19-Oct-19 08:28:39

@TheFatberg
Pretty sure she wasn’t asking for advice on their bedtimes

emilybrontescorsett Sat 19-Oct-19 08:30:11

A treat night for Dss, yet he didn't see his dad.

Wildorchidz Sat 19-Oct-19 08:30:53

And what do you think your daughter is absorbing from your? Her own father is shit. Now it seems that your current partner is shit. Do you want her making shit choices too when she is an adult?

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