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Mid-teen relationships: At what point is it all too much?

(32 Posts)
jillowarriorqueen Thu 17-Oct-19 23:21:43

So, my DD1 is 15 and in her G.C.S.E. year. Her boyfriend is also in the same year at school. They have been together for 3 months now, but very good and close friends for the last year.

DD is very sensible. She doesn't believe in having sex at her age. Furthermore, she thinks unprotected sex is madness for anyone not planning a child. Her boyfriend seems to respect her a great deal also, and has shown no interest in trying to touch her inappropriately so far. He doesn't seem like the kind of boy to put pressure on her physically about doing stuff she doesn't want to do. All the signs seem positive right now for them both enjoying a happy, healthy, non sexual but romantic relationship for the near future at least.

However, at his house, his parents allow him to take her into his room, where they lie on the bed together cuddling. Cuddling is all very well and lovely, but I am concerned about what might happen in the near future and how this might progress into more than that.

Currently, I have told my girl that before she goes to her bf house again, I'd like to have a chat with his mum about this. I was thinking along the lines of general chattiness with a sort of a "by the way" interlude, where I suggested to her that if they went up to his room, they kept the door open. All very low key.

My DD and her BF are horrified about this though. They say that this will embarrass them so much and they don't want their parents to have this conversation as an opening gambit. It was never going to be an opening gambit, more a caveat, but the kids are adamant that this will be embarrassing for them both.

I don't want to embarrass either of them, but I feel that they need to respect our opinion about this.

My DD is very naive. She has no concept of the seductive power of sex and exploration can have over an individual. She has no concept of how overwhelming desire can be. She has no idea of what it means yet to get carried away in the moment. She has no idea of how men (boys) can talk themselves into a woman's pants. She has no clue.

She laughs at me and says, "Don't be silly - I won't have sex or get pregnant", then tells me how she is 100 percent against abortion, so that if she did, she'd have the baby and get help from us to raise it.

She's very immature in some ways. I don't want her going to her bf house until I have at least spoken to the family and expressed my concerns. In the meantime, he can come here where they will be supervised.

AIBU in trying to control things too much???

OP’s posts: |
AwkwardFucker Thu 17-Oct-19 23:47:17

TBH, at this age, I would get her on long term contraception. It will more than likely happened eventually if she wants it to..

Just be open and honest about birth control.

I’ve drummed it into my 15yo she has to come to me, or any other trusted adult, or anyone really to talk birth control before she thinks about having sex. I’ve also told her I will not in any way support a baby. (I mean, I would if I had to, but I’m not telling her that).

By all means discreetly talk to his mum though if you want. DD also has a boyfriend and they do spend a great deal of time on the bed cuddling (that’s normal at that age isn’t it?!) but we have an open door policy. Though if teenagers want to have sex, they will find a way. So birth control. Drum it into her head.

KellyHall Fri 18-Oct-19 00:01:09

Yes, get her on some reliable birth control.

And tell her you don't just "have a baby".

Talk about the possible side effects of pregnancy: saggy boobs, stretch marks, constipation, piles, restless legs and arms, heartburn, backache, pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes.

Talk about the possible side effects of birth: tears, forceps, incontinence, haemorrhage, death (mother or child).

You can't carry or birth a baby for her, even if you're willing to help later on!

Mummaofmytribe Fri 18-Oct-19 00:10:14

Definitely speak to the other mum. Just don't tell the kids you're doing it!
Your DD is 15 and you have every right to chat and agree on some ground rules with the bf's mother as different mums have different house rules.
FWIW one of my DDs was hanging out at a boy's house years ago age 14. Mum was a sensible lady and also a friend.
The little buggers ended up having sex anyway under the guise of watching a movie in the boy's room. Thankfully a condom was used.
When my DD told me and I spoke to the other mum she was horrified and couldn't believe it had happened when she was back and forth past the bedroom all afternoon.
So they'll find a way if they want to. And my DD had also given me the spiel of how she wouldn't have sex before 16 and would come to the doctor with me re contraception.
So my advice is definitely talk to the other mum and get on the same page!

brittabot Fri 18-Oct-19 00:28:27

You need to discuss birth control with your daughter. Even the most sensible people get carried away!

BarbedBloom Fri 18-Oct-19 00:31:32

Put her on birth control. If they want to have sex they will, door open or not. I was having sex at that age and we were just creative. Also accept she may well not be honest with you given you disapproval.

Junio Fri 18-Oct-19 00:38:09

Totally disagree with PP telling you to put DD on long term contraception OP. There’s no way I’d want my daughter’s hormones to be mucked about with at such a young age. And I wouldn’t want to be telling her that I didn’t believe she could stick to her decision.

I would def speak to the other Mum discreetly. Door open sounds like a reasonable idea and I’m surprised the other Mum isn’t enforcing that already.

FWIW I have a daughter with a BF and it is possible for them to choose not to have sex if they don’t want to. And to have a BF who respects that.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Fri 18-Oct-19 00:43:32

My DD is very naive.

Then talk to her. If you think she doesn't understand things then it's your job to educate her.

Thehagonthehill Fri 18-Oct-19 00:47:24

A lot of girls go on the pill in year 11 so that they are settled on a suitable one so their periods don't interfere with their study and exams.
Pregnancy fucks up your hormones too .

lyralalala Fri 18-Oct-19 00:50:32

Tbh I think you are quite naive if you think an open bedroom door will stop them having sex if they want too, or if they get caught in the moment. It really won't.

Also you do have to find the line between protecting her and not alienating her so she doesn't talk to you about things anymore. The last thing you need is her to stop talking to you (or worse tell you she's going to Mary or Pamela's house when she's actually with the boyfriend).

Does she have access to contraception? Information about where she can get the pill or coil or implant, plus easy access to condoms.

aidelmaidel Fri 18-Oct-19 00:57:07

IUD?

BitOfFun Fri 18-Oct-19 00:57:22

I think I'd strongly discourage them spending so much time together (as well as considering some of the other suggestions here). It's absolutely fair enough for you to expect her to be focussing on her studies this year.

Sunshine93 Fri 18-Oct-19 01:03:20

Sorry but I doubt very much they are just cuddling. They probably don't want an open door policy because they want to do more than cuddle. That doesn't mean they are actually having sex and lying but I think you are a bit naive if you think that all they do is cuddle.

I don't agree that you should "put her on the pill" that should be her decision. I do think talking to the parents is totally appropriate and also, as others have said, having an open and frank discussion with her about all the possibilities. I also think giving her condoms even if she resists and gets embarrassed is a good idea.

Sunshine93 Fri 18-Oct-19 01:07:35

Actually going to your mum and saying "I want to go on the pill" is mortifying at that age. Any girl who does it is very mature and should be praised for doing so. I would never have been able to face that conversation if I had needed to at that age. If your daughter does come to you about contraception you should be very proud of her maturity but in the mean time you should put some things in place assuming she won't come to you because unfortunately many girls may intend to but when it comes to it either the moment takes them by surprise or they just can't face the embarrassment so at least arm her with condoms and all the facts!

lyralalala Fri 18-Oct-19 01:15:39

Also, given the increase in injuries in young teenagers (male and female) from anal sex going badly wrong it’s pretty important that a parent of a teen has a chat about how porn doesn’t portray how anal sex actually works

It’s seen by some youngsters as a safe alternative to PIV as they see no risk of pregnancy

HostessTrolley Fri 18-Oct-19 01:33:02

If your daughter is in year 11 she’ll soon turn 16. Decisions about her sex life are really not yours to make. You’re entitled to your opinion of course, but to think otherwise is kinda deluded and also is denying her the body autonomy which is her right, not yours. It’s really tough when your eldest moves from being a child to having a sexual identity but it’s part of them growing up. Take her to the sexual health clinic so that when she’s ready, she’s protected. If they’re going to do it then they will, regardless of your bedroom door policy. He sounds like a nice lad, treating her like the adult she’s becoming will encourage an open and honest relationship between you and her as she goes from being a little girl to being a young woman.

SlightlyStaleCocoPops Fri 18-Oct-19 02:05:09

I dont think your daughter is the only naive one here.

MsPavlichenko Fri 18-Oct-19 02:13:12

SlightlyStaleCocoPops
Quite!

maras2 Fri 18-Oct-19 03:21:19

Thank God my mum wasn't naïve enough to believe that me and boyfriend were 'just cuddling' when I was 15, over 50 years ago.
She came with me to the doctors and he prescribed the contraceptive pill.
It was rather embarrassing but less so than having her 15 year old knocked up.
By the by, boyfriend has been DH for 44 years and we have (planned) adult children and grandchildren but sadly mum died 20 years ago. sad

dontgobaconmyheart Fri 18-Oct-19 03:38:39

If you think your daughter is naive on the topic of sex OP then why not educate her properly so that that isn't the case? I don't think that needs to involve tales of how men 'talk their way into women's pants' though , simply explain to her what constitutes consent and how she might protect herself from unwanted pregnancy ( the pill, always use a condom) or how she might decline something she is not ready for and what she should expect in return from a caring and respectful boyfriend. Subtly speaking to the boyfriends parents is fine as she is 15 still but i'm not sure why you needed to tell her you were doing it.

She is about to turn 16, if he also is of age at that point then nothing they do is 'innapropriate' or particularly unusual so long as consent is involved and protection is used. I think you need to step back a bit OP, she needs to learn autonomy over her own body, and be allowed to explore her sexuality if she wants, at 16, without that being shameful or negative. Teenagers grow up very quickly and she may mean it when she says she has no intention of having sex now but odds are on that that will change before you know it and if your DD has access to the internet or any friends that do (which will be most of them) i suspect she knows more than she is letting on OP!

jillowarriorqueen Fri 18-Oct-19 03:41:23

Mobile - no duh! I do talk to her. All the time. It doesn't mean she's ready - or willing - to listen. She brushes off my concerns with an "It will never happen to me" attitude.

OP’s posts: |
jillowarriorqueen Fri 18-Oct-19 03:53:56

We really have discussed things with her quite comprehensively. And no, we are not naive - our daughter isn't very worldly. I'm trying to educate her this way a bit more, but she thinks I'm over exaggerating about what could happen. And yes, we have also discussed the negatives of pregnancy and giving up a child for adoption. Not sure why some women always have to attack other mums and assume the worst/ineptitude of other women on these boards. Thanks to those who are offering support and useful advice though.

OP’s posts: |
PrincessHoneysuckle Fri 18-Oct-19 03:57:01

Not saying your dd is lying but I told my mum I wasnt ready for sex when actually i was in a full sexual relationship.I just didn't want her to know and worry.

1onelyranger Fri 18-Oct-19 04:02:30

I’d think twice before rushing to share details about my or my underage daughter’s sex life on this thread.

BetsyBigNose Fri 18-Oct-19 04:28:28

I had a 'serious' boyfriend for 2 years between ages 14 and 16. My Mum had always talked with me very openly about sex (she's a Nurse, so I think that made it easier for both of us!) so when I was 15 and things with the BF were getting more intense, she asked me; "Are you and BF thinking about having sex?" I felt able to be honest with her and told her that yes, we had been talking about it.

The following day Mum picked me up early from school, brought me a change of clothes so I didn't have to wear my school uniform and took me to the Family Planning Clinic, where I got a prescription for the contraceptive pill. The thing I remember most clearly about that afternoon, was coming out of my appointment into the waiting room and saying "Hi" to 2 girls from my class, who were sitting there, in their school uniforms and alone, without their DMs. I felt very mature for so obviously having been able to discuss sex and contraception with my DM, and was very grateful to her for having thought to bring me a change of clothes!

DH and I have 2 DDs now, our eldest is 12.5, so 'serious' boyfriends are a little way off yet - I imagine! However, I have spoken with DD1 at length and have answered any and all questions around sex and contraception and I'm confident that she has a clear understanding of the issues involved and that we have a close enough relationship that she feels she can come to me about anything.

I certainly envisage having a conversation with DD1 at around the age of 15 or 16 about some form of hormonal contraception (going on family history, she's likely to need it to lighten her periods anyway), I imagine we will research the options together and I will support her in arranging it in whatever way she prefers. OP - I think now is the right time for you to be having this conversation with your DD. It may be that she doesn't want to use medication or an IUD, but at least she will have all the information available to her, and you can ensure that she has a supply of condoms, just in case! It's so hard to re-frame seeing your little girl morphing into a young woman, but it sounds like you're preparing her well to help her avoid unplanned pregnancy or an STI.

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