To not let DD attend her friends birthday party?

[Cuppachino]

DD(8) told me yesterday that her friend at school said to her, that in order to attend her birthday party in a few weeks time, DD must earn points on the 'birthday board' that she's made. She also told their other friend the same. DD said that all day she and other friend were given into trouble by birthday friend and 'lost points' and threatened with not getting invited to party, with DD pleading with her to please let her go.

DD came home quite upset. When she told me all this, I told her that I didn't think this was ok and that birthday friend either invites her or doesn't invite her, she shouldn't be made to earn an invitation and to just talk to her friend tomorrow and tell her to stop with the point scoring. They are very good friends usually and they spend a lot of time together out of school, having sleepovers at each others houses etc.

When she came home from school today she told me that birthday friend was saying the same things so I've now told DD that I won't allow her to be treated like this and we'll go out for the day and get her a treat on the day of the party. She seemed happy enough with this but I'm doubting myself now. What do you all think? Am I over-reacting?

[mcmooberry]

Nope you are not.

[Bokky]

I'd probably do exactly the same as you! She'll be lucky to have anyone wanting to go at that rate!

[Densol999]

Wow !
Who wants a control freak friend like that anyway
YANBU

[msmith501]

I wonder what the darling friend's parents would think of this? I'm guessing they are not aware of it.... might be worth mentioning as this is not a nice trait to encourage and most parents would want to know in my humble opinion.

[Wallywobbles]

I'd also tell either the school or parent. Do you know the parents or any of the other potentially invited girls parents?

[Upanddownandroundagain]

Do you know the mum well enough to have a word?

[ColaFreezePop]

Who needs enemies with a friend like that.

Please don't allow your daughter to go regardless.

And talk to the birthday girls parents as a PP said.

[Wildorchidz]

If they spend a lot of time outside school together including having sleepovers then surely you can just call the birthday girl’s mum or dad and tell them what is going on?

[formerbabe]

I'd assume her parents have no idea she's doing this and won't be handing out invitations based on their dds chart

[MistyMinge2]

My reaction would be the same as yours. YANBU. I suspect if your DD showed disinterest she'd soon be bumped up the board.

[LoyaltyBonus]

I think you're doing the right thing. I also think you should tell the parents why rather than let them think DD let their DD down.

[NoSquirrels]

A lot of 8-year-old girls are a bit obsessed with friendship issues and power! It usually works itself out but can need adult intervention.
Personally, I’d try to get DD to tackle it one more time, and tell her to say ‘My Mum says I can’t come to your party if you’re making it a point-scoring system because that’s nit what real friendship is about. So if you keep scoring everything I can’t come anyway.’

And if that didn’t work, I’d 100% tell the girl’s parents about it - if they’re usually friends who do sleepovers etc you must know them well enough to tackle it?

[WiddlinDiddlin]

I would message parents ...


'DD will not be manipulated into earning 'points' to win an invite to your DD party, therefore she will not be attending'.

[BananaSpanner]

YANBU but would absolutely speak to parents of birthday child.

[GlitterSparkle85]

Wow how awful she must have got this idea from somewhere!Agree with you I wouldn't be happy with my child being friends with someone like this either spoilt brat! Absolutely either invite or not it will be her loss when no one comes to her birthday party as they've not "scored high enough"!

[itsgettingweird]

Any chance you could get in early and invite the other contender for a day out with DD that day?

You don't even need to mention to other parent why.

Just say dd would like to visit x place and then go for pizza and has asked if other friend could come.

If she mentions birthday party I would then explain why.

And teach the girls to say that neither wanted to compete for a place or go without the other so they made alternative plans (if birthday girl ever says anything)

[GettingABitDesperateNow]

I think since they are only 8, I wouldn't punish your daughter by telling her she can't go, if she does get invited.

I think I would talk through with your daughter that while adults use punishment and rewards to help steer kids towards good behaviour, children who are the same age shouldn't be trying to control each others behaviour, and shouldn't be rewarding or punishing each other as that's an adults job, and friends should decide things (like what to play) together - that no child should be in charge.

I'd also talk through some responses if she gets threatened with being uninvited (sounds like you've done this already) eg that's fine, I can go out with my other friends.

In addition if you know the parents and they are decent, I would mention to them and possibly the school if not. Because the risk is that if your daughter is the one standing up to this girl, that she will start giving the other girls 'points' if they exclude your daughter and / or deduct points for talking to her, if they fall out - she sounds quite manipulative

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

The child is 8. The birthday girl has a little bit of power because she's throwing a party and knows people will want to go. They're kids.. Being childish.
Your daughter should band together a few friends and all tell birthday girl they're not interested in earning an invitation. They won't bother going if that's what they need to do and then tell her to take the group of friends and go off and play together. Birthday girl will soon come running.

[TheRobinIsBobbingAlong]

YANBU OP. If they're good friends out of school do you know the other girl's mother well enough to have a word and explain what is happening?

[NoSquirrels]

Wow how awful she must have got this idea from somewhere!

Most school stuff is based on points for good behaviour...

[expatinspain]

They're 8. Surely a word with the mother/father is the best way of dealing with this, or the most mature way, anyway. I'm sure they'll be mortified and nip the behaviour in the bud. I don't like 8 years old being referred to as manipulative, or underhand suggestions like inviting the friend out with your child so they both don't go to the party. Just deal with the situation like an adult.

[Starlight456]

Another speak to parents . My guess is parents don’t know and will be having a word.

[mankyfourthtoe]

I'd be a bit worried about the friendship in general tbh, I'd wonder if there's usually a power play at work.

[Witchinaditch]

I’d say something to the mum in a nice way, I really don’t think it’s ok and I wouldn’t encourage the friendship any further.

[Cuppachino]

Thank you all, glad I'm not being unreasonable. I will see what birthday friend says to DD tomorrow when DD informs her that she won't be going to the party and that DD will be going out for a lovely day instead with what would have been friends birthday present money( is that cruel?)

Yes I do know the parents, they're nice people but they do tend to let the kids rule the roost a bit, evidently. I will inform them of this if nothing is resolved by the weekend. I do tend to usually let the kids resolve their disputes by themselves, I just thought this one was a bit too much for DD. Thanks again everyone.