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To say having a newborn makes you hate your partner?

(96 Posts)
icantgetnosleep8 Thu 17-Oct-19 05:11:28

I'm writing this after so far having 2 hours sleep and there is an element of light heartedness in this post (although it doesn't feel like it right now).

I'm so tired. 6 week old not sleeping well. Has to sleep on me. DH went on a night out last night - is sleeping in a different room... so far I know he has had 5 hours sleep, with a couple more to go.

This fact alone means I am fantasising about waking him up in the worst ways possible (air horn, ice bucket, running in yelling like a banshee, dropping giant cowpat onto his face)

But in all seriousness, I felt overwhelming love for him when DD was born, but now I resent every minute of sleep or any moment of fun he has and feel any spare time should be spent helping me. I know I am probably being unreasonable - but tell me I'm not alone? If so, what helped??

norbert23 Thu 17-Oct-19 05:21:12

Up with my newborn and listening to him snore which makes me unbearably jealous so I know exactly what you mean! This is our second though and I think it helps knowing that sleep will improve and that you have to just survive this bit where they only want you. Can you have a chat about ways he can have the baby so you can nap or get a few hours in the evening? I know it's hard because they like to cluster feed at the end of the day when you're exhausted but even a short nap can help. Just sleep when you can and ask him for help / tell him what you need, it's a tag team situation xx

notmytea Thu 17-Oct-19 05:24:35

Up with my 6 week old too as husband snores next to me. I try to feel content in doing bugger all around the house in exchange and just watch films all day instead. If he notices the house hasn't been hoovered in 6 weeks then he can crack on with sorting it

Jellybean100 Thu 17-Oct-19 05:27:52

I’m 4 months in and DC still doesn’t sleep. I get it!

Cebb Thu 17-Oct-19 05:34:12

I'm due in 6 weeks with our third (6 year gap since our last one) and I'm terrified of this feeling because I remember it so well! I love this man with all my heart but with both previous kids there were times when I could quite happily have suffocated him in his sleep... grin

Doormat247 Thu 17-Oct-19 05:38:30

I'm only 21wks pregnant and pretty much hate my DP already.
I've been in hospital with a slipped disc and he managed to fall asleep with his head on the metal bars down the side of the bed while I was screaming/crying/whimpering in pain all night. He never heard a thing!
He jokes about how he'll probably just sleep through the baby crying every night - but we both know it's not really a joke hmm.

notmytea Thu 17-Oct-19 05:39:42

It's not so much in the night, it's the next day when he's all "you're being a bit grumpy today". No shit!

Bear2014 Thu 17-Oct-19 05:41:33

It doesn't stop! My 2 year old wakes up at 5:20 every day and if anyone else tries to get up with him he just screams for me. So OH gets a lie in every day. We also have a 5 year old. I'm constantly tired and resentful confused

BlodwynBludd Thu 17-Oct-19 05:42:07

YANBU I remember that feeling well. I'm 35 weeks with our second and awake because I'm so uncomfortable. Listening to his snoring is not helping.

Tulio Thu 17-Oct-19 05:45:27

Up feeding my 7 week old and I agree with PP, this is my second so my perspective has definitely shifted. It really is such a small period of your life where they need cuddles like this. It’ll be over before you know it!

In the meanwhile take it easy on yourself, buy the delicious coffee, crack open the Christmas biscuit tin early and enjoy this cosy season. Does he sleep at all in his pram, have you tried a sleepyhead or similar?

Also remember that one night your baby will surprise you, hold out hope for that night. I remember waking up to daylight with my first and panicking, she was fine, she had just decided to sleep 8 hours and I felt like a new woman! This baby currently snoozing on me did 9 hours unexpectedly yesterday. Just remember the sleep won’t always be shit, also gripe water, always remember the gripe water haha

MindyStClaire Thu 17-Oct-19 05:46:41

I know you said this thread was supposed to be light-hearted OP, and I did lose track of the number of times I said the words "useless man nipples" during the first 8 months weeks. But...

What the fuck is he playing at going out when you're at home with a six week old? Was it an important event (best friend's stag?) or just a random night out?

You've likely given up every facet of life that makes you you (temporarily,I promise it does get better), he should be using every spare minute to help you. You'll both get your lives back later.

If he's not being a good enough support, you might need to spell out in detail just how tough you have it and what he can do to help.

MindyStClaire Thu 17-Oct-19 05:50:02

It's not so much in the night, it's the next day when he's all "you're being a bit grumpy today". No shit!

Nooooo. The next day he should bring you tea and sympathy, take the baby to give you a break whenever possible, and put your favourite terrible show on Netflix.

Lennonade Thu 17-Oct-19 05:52:23

Oh I’m right there with you!! 4 month old DD2 has been up every 2 hours tonight and when DH rolls over and starts snoring I irrationally want to smack him over the head. It does pass! What helps me is just being honest with DH about it - you don’t have to complain as such (it’s not his fault, I have chosen to EBF both DC and he helps in lots of other ways) but we have a running joke about it now. I don’t bottle it up and wonder why I feel his way, I just tell him, “you were so close to being suffocated with a pillow last night” and he’ll just laugh and say sorry and ask if he can get me anything good for breakfast before he goes to work. Don’t let it drive a wedge between you by letting it fester. Like most things, if you talk about it openly (in a non-accusatory way!) it will lose some of its power.

IDontDrinkTea Thu 17-Oct-19 05:54:55

My 7m old is still a terrible sleeper. Most nights I’m up every hour. Last night was a good night in that she went down at 8.30, and only woke at 11, 12.15, 1.30, 3, and then started the day at 5. DH slept in the spare room and has only just got up. I don’t begrudge him sleep as his useless man nipples aren’t much help with night feeds. But I don’t like it when I mention I’ve had a nap in the day and he’ll make comments about how he’d love a daytime nap it’s just he has to work hmm

notmytea Thu 17-Oct-19 06:01:24

@MindyStClaire unfortunately he's off to work at 6am so it's all on me until 9pm when he's back, so these comments are over email usually. Worst part is it doesn't actually get better for a long time IME - 5yo only slept through at 4 and in the last 6 weeks now wakes at 5am to come into our bed because of sibling jealousy confused

MindyStClaire Thu 17-Oct-19 06:02:22

But I don’t like it when I mention I’ve had a nap in the day and he’ll make comments about how he’d love a daytime nap it’s just he has to work

Kill him stone dead.

corythatwas Thu 17-Oct-19 06:07:08

That depends on the partner. Mine pulled his weight. There is so much yours could be doing to look after his child and make sure you don't get worn out.

Starfish28 Thu 17-Oct-19 06:09:46

No OP you are not alone. The amount of times I could quite happily of suffocated my husband in his sleep during the first 15 months were countless. If I said I was tired, he would say ‘me to’ and that would send me into a very dark rage. In fairness, I used to get irrationally angry reading ‘Rabbit’s nap’ by Julia Donaldson, because of the countless opportunities the rabbit had to nap and didn’t manage to. Sleep deprivation did not do good things for me. But it does get easier. Is he actually helping? Can you go to bed super early or get a lie in and he takes the baby for those periods of time? To be honest, the night out needs to be something big as you are still in the dreaded new born phase and you both need to be in the trenches.

Igotthemheavyboobs Thu 17-Oct-19 06:10:44

He jokes about how he'll probably just sleep through the baby crying every night - but we both know it's not really a joke

14 weeks today and I am so scared this will happen to me! I sleep through fire alarms!

DoctorAllcome Thu 17-Oct-19 06:11:23

It’s tough that first year. But I was back at work when they were 3mos old. So DH and I had a deal for those long nights
- I get up and breastfeed while DH slept on, then
- DH would get up while I went back to sleep and he’d do the burping, diaper changes and holding/walking the baby back to sleep.

Starfish28 Thu 17-Oct-19 06:13:11

@Bear2014 is there no way your husband can help with this. My mum would occasionally stay over to give me a hand if my husband was traveling. Neither of my two were that keen at that age, but she just cracked on. God knows how she did (probably with biscuits and pepper pig). But it really helped to get some extra sleep.

Can your husband not do anything? It does seem the current set up suits him.

Liverbird77 Thu 17-Oct-19 06:20:58

The night we had our son, after a very traumatic birth, I was in hospital. I was terrified because I didn't really know how to change a nappy or put on a sleepsuit, I was in agony and I was woken every couple of hours so a midwife could squeeze my boobs for colostrum.
The next day I was a wreck. My husband breezed in around 11am and said he'd had a good nine hour sleep. I could've killed him.

thepeopleversuswork Thu 17-Oct-19 06:25:59

I'm with MindyStClaire thinking that there is not much that's lighthearted about men not pulling their weight when their partners have a newborn.

I left my husband because of behaviour like this and didn't regret it for a moment. I think we are all far, far too indulgent of this sort of shit behaviour from men when we're struggling with a very small baby and no sleep.

You need to have a serious word with him about going out on a night out when you're struggling with a very small baby. As Mindy says if it was a very special night its one thing but if he's doing this just because he can you need to consider whether you are better off out of this relationship.

GreenLeafTurnip Thu 17-Oct-19 06:28:24

Not sure it does get better. We're 9 months in and my husband is about as useful as a chocolate teapot. I don't know what happened. Baby was 5 weeks premature and I had a c section. He was wonderful for the first 8 weeks and then bam he changed. He had the baby for 45 minutes last night while I cooked dinner and then he came back to me. I asked if his parenting was done for the day and his answer was yes. I don't see that we will go the distance at this rate.

I hope it gets better for you OP. I know this was light hearted!

Buddytheelf85 Thu 17-Oct-19 06:29:38

In the first six weeks of our son’s life I didn’t actually know it was possible to hate someone as much as I hated my husband.

After a very traumatic birth (two hours in theatre putting me back together again), he complained that he had a really sore back from sitting on the hard labour ward chair all night. He did a nice theatrical impression of the pain he was in, too.

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