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AIBU at husband abandoning contract

(193 Posts)
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme Wed 16-Oct-19 19:22:25

Hi lovely people ! Will try try to keep short as I have a tendancy to waffle but I need a quick reality check ! (Again!) Dh is 3 months into a 12 month contract that is extremely well paid after previously being unemployed for 18 months. We have no savings, no assets and were scraping by at the point he accepted the contract. He has now hit a wall at work , everyone treats him like a contractor ie not part of the team , he hates being away from home mon-fri and hates going back . He has just ring me to say he is considering giving it up .He got himself so worked up panicking about a presentation he nearly had a full on panic attack. Due to him having form for quitting and letting people / us down , AIBU to tell him that if he walks away from this contract I will never be able to forgive him ? This contract is worth around 100k - I am only including this to show you all that with this amount of money we could actually afford to buy our own house and stop renting. AIBU to not be hugely sympathetic and wish he would get on with it ?

BritInUS1 Wed 16-Oct-19 19:24:09

Personally I think he needs to suck it up if he hasn't got another job to go to and you are struggling without him working

What is his plan if he quits?

thisisthend Wed 16-Oct-19 19:26:42

Tell him to man up and get a grip. Jobs are hard to come by. He has a good one. Many would do anything to be in his shoes. See Thomas Cook staff.

AskMeHow Wed 16-Oct-19 19:26:59

No, you wouldn't be unreasonable.

He needs to stay in the job. You have no money to fall back on. Quitting is not an option, not after he was unemployed for 18 months.

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme Wed 16-Oct-19 19:28:15

He wants to do a job that is less pressure and can not be away . Which is fair enough o think - I feel that I am unsympathetic as I would literally almost do anything to earn that sort of money . It's the promise of security - something I have always craved . But is it harsh saying suck it up when about 25percwnt of the time he likes what he is contracted to do ?

WineGummyBear Wed 16-Oct-19 19:29:29

The near panic attack can't be ignored. Stress and anxiety can make someone really ill if left unchecked.

bridgetreilly Wed 16-Oct-19 19:30:22

AIBU to tell him that if he walks away from this contract I will never be able to forgive him?

Yes. That is a horrible thing to say. He absolutely should stay and fulfil his contract and it's important for you to explain all the actual reasons why. But there's no need to use emotional blackmail to do it.

onanothertrain Wed 16-Oct-19 19:30:27

I think you are being very harsh, you sound so unsupportive to him. What are you doing to earn £100,000?

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme Wed 16-Oct-19 19:30:48

Good point about Thomas Cook staff poor people. I am solidly working class and I find it absolutely crazy he is not seeing the long game. We often disagree with work ethics- he used to see sick leave as part of holiday entitlement, was not massively reliable , never appreciated his 20 year long job before he was made redundant. Thanks everyone , I appreciate it.

MrsMaiselsMuff Wed 16-Oct-19 19:32:04

How far from home is he?

Why was he unemployed for so long, are there are health problems?

ArnoldBee Wed 16-Oct-19 19:33:51

Here is the bottom line- if this job causes him to have a mental breakdown or take his own life will the 100k be worth it? It's a fine line between seeing it through because he should or actually causing untold damage. From what you have posted I ask if he has an underlying mental health issue?

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme Wed 16-Oct-19 19:33:52

Ok - very good points also. I understand the panic attack was a real wake up call which is why he is thinking he will walk - it was very very scary for him . The pressure on him is huge and perhaps he just can't do this job. I understand that -but when it's ok 75 percent of the time he is flying high. He is very very good at what he does but clearly does not thrive on individual pressure - in a team he is brilliant . The question is not about me - I specifically want to know if o am being unreasonable with this ?

Alsohuman Wed 16-Oct-19 19:34:10

It’s another nine months. He’d be a complete lunatic to give it up.

Having worked for years as a contractor, I sympathise with being away from home but it’s not for ever. Not being part of the team goes with the territory, I’m afraid. It sounds as if it’s a once in a life time opportunity. I’d be very angry if my husband threw that away.

Stuckinanutshell Wed 16-Oct-19 19:34:42

He can absolutely pull out of the contract and leave ... as soon as he has another job lined up that is lucrative.

LittleLongDog Wed 16-Oct-19 19:35:03

I would rather have a partner who is mentally well than £100k.

That being said, money worries in themselves cause so much stress an I recognise that being without a job will also cause issues.

Can he quit this and look for a less pressurised job?

Caterinaballerina Wed 16-Oct-19 19:35:07

Try explaining that if he did quit it wouldn’t be the answer to all problems because it would create new ones which could actually be worse. No need to use the very strong, I’d not be able to forgive you but instead when listing issues you could say, this could affect our relationship and the way I see you if you can’t try and stick it out while looking for something else.

onanothertrain Wed 16-Oct-19 19:35:30

Yes you are being unreasonable

AnchorDownDeepBreath Wed 16-Oct-19 19:35:57

How much do you earn?

I would struggle being told I had to stay in a job that I hated to earn £100k if it was very unbalanced, if I'm honest, it'd feel very unfair. Although he should find something else first, ideally...

My view may have been spoiled by letting fiancé leave the job he hated with nothing to go to, though... I've been there. It was horrendous going to a job that caused me a lot of anxiety.

MrsMaiselsMuff Wed 16-Oct-19 19:36:48

For those saying "man up", would you be saying that to a woman who was having panic attacks because they were so stressed with work? It's only nine more months, what harm can it do?

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme Wed 16-Oct-19 19:37:14

Arnoldbee - yes that is the bottom line - is it an underlying MH issue or is he just trying to duck out of something he doesn't want to do essentially? Of course I do not want his health to suffer it head been a very molycoddled individual- enabled by hisDM and then me . He was made redundant and then struggled to find a job in his field. He hit the drink , and took casual work whilst I contracted away from home to support the family.

Alsohuman Wed 16-Oct-19 19:38:30

Yes, I’d be saying it whoever it was. I’d be saying it to myself in that situation.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 16-Oct-19 19:40:37

Tell him to man up and get a grip
Yes op please do tell hi mtbat as a man he isn't entitled to struggle, to feel overwhelmed, to panic, to miss home and DEFINATELY not to talk about feeling this way. I mean men are more at risk of suicide than women exactly because of these type of attitudes but yeah, please do shit down any conversation.

Can you talk to him about having an exit plan? So are there any consequences to him quitting? What will he do instead? Does he have any AL to be home for longer or can you go out to him? How often do you face time etc? What about if he made it to the half way mark and then reviewed?

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme Wed 16-Oct-19 19:41:24

I am trying not to drip feed - apologies . Buy I wanted a clear aibu . Fair enough though - some very good points on here, from would we be the same if I was the bloke and he was the woman , and no amount of money is worth sacrificing health for of course , and maybe the wording could be phrased better and in a more conversational way . Thank you xx

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Wed 16-Oct-19 19:42:04

OP do you work, and if so are you bringing in much compared to him?

You can remind him (supportively) how much it matters to the family that he stick it out, if you are also doing everything you can to contribute financially. And not unreasonable (even if not contributing financially) to suggest he line up something new before walking away. But don't expect him to continue in a high pressure line of work he hates just for the 100k if you can live off less with him doing some thing he prefers.

Hederex Wed 16-Oct-19 19:43:19

I would say he can quit when he has got something else to go to. Anything else is madness.
I'd accept less money but not leaving without a new job.

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