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To ask how to not give a F%*k?

(79 Posts)
Notthebloodymustardcushion Wed 16-Oct-19 14:24:52

My whole life, I have been held back by fear of what others will think of me and being judged negatively on my efforts. I’m about to embark on a scary new creative project which I hope to grow and profit from long term (won’t describe as possibly outing). But I am held back in my talents and creativity, by the crippling fear of putting myself out there. I’m so stuck and it’s ridiculously frustrating.

I am at a point in my life where all of the old excuses are falling away, my kids are older, I have lots of free time, enough (although not a lot) of money to support my endeavours etc... but the one thing I cannot seem to overcome, is finding my inner “zero fucks” so that I can be brave and just do the bloody thing. Every time I try to sit down to get started, I get the fear, and just can’t crack on.

Mumsnetters, have you overcome this fear? Where do I start? Help! blush

mbosnz Wed 16-Oct-19 14:26:43

I think you have to give a fuck and do it anyway. Go hard! smile

gwackywacky Wed 16-Oct-19 14:27:24

You start by realising that you will one day die. And from there, as long as you dont hurt another living being or break the law, nothing you do really matters.

FudgeBrownie2019 Wed 16-Oct-19 14:28:00

Start small. Start with "no". Just "no". Not "maybe" not "we'll see" or "I'll check". Practise the absolute dead silence that comes from a "no" response and never be the first to break that silence.

Notthebloodymustardcushion Wed 16-Oct-19 14:36:31

“I think you have to give a fuck and do it anyway. Go hard!”

This is wise advice and a good way of looking at it! I think I am just so worried about what I do being wrong and not ‘perfect’. Intellectually I of course know, that nothing I or anyone do will ever be perfect, and that the nature if what I intend to do, actually makes that part of the charm, yet the pursuit of perfection still bogs me down anyway! Ugh, it’s so frustrating. I need a proper head wobble! 😂

mbosnz Wed 16-Oct-19 14:42:37

Do it! What's the worst that can happen, really? It sounds like you've got a really good idea, it would be such a shame not to follow through on it.

user1486131602 Wed 16-Oct-19 14:45:09

There’s a saying: you don’t fail, It’s just First Attempt in Learning!

Just as you’d tell your kids, give it a go, and do you’re best!

PicsInRed Wed 16-Oct-19 14:45:27

Most "DGAF" folks do actually GAF, they just don't let the fucks determine the decision making.

Give a fuck then do what's best for you anyway is a good policy and very doable.

SeaSidePebbles Wed 16-Oct-19 14:46:43

Join others in the same madness.
Like: running vs parkrun and running club.
That’s where you see perfect and less than perfect, but everybody is friendly and encouraging (every time I start dwindling some other runner coming from behind startles me with a ‘come on, nearly there, keep going’ 😂 )

Brenee Brown has a good book on it, it’s called ‘daring greatly’, try it.

AutumnRose1 Wed 16-Oct-19 14:47:51

I do some creative writing and having had positive feedback from agents, im still very - OMG too scary.

Are you nervous of negativity from people you know, or that whatever industry it is will not like the work?

AutumnRose1 Wed 16-Oct-19 14:48:59

Also are you worried it will be a waste of time? I must admit, that's my worry.

CroissantsAtDawn Wed 16-Oct-19 14:49:38

Read You are awesome. You need to change your mindset

Notthebloodymustardcushion Wed 16-Oct-19 15:01:42

I think all of those things to a degree Autumn, but mostly I think I am scared that if I fully commit and fail then I will have been right all along. Stupid and self defeating Isn’t it?, but it just seems so ingrained in my psyche... blush

I’m glad to hear you are getting positive responses to your work, if you got any negatives, would it set you back do you think? Or do you think the fear of it would be worse than the reality? Well done for dipping your toe in, I haven’t even got that far, I always give away my work as gifts, as I am too terrified to charge actual money for it. (What an idiot hmm)

I appreciate the book recommendations, so thank you for those, as I agree that I have a serious mindset problem that needs addressing. I will certainly look into those. smile

Househunt1 Wed 16-Oct-19 15:01:44

I am exactly the same, I'm not very confident in myself and get paranoid what people think and put others on a pedastool I suppose but if I say go for a job interview that I feel I daren't do I just think well if I don't go for it some other fucker will and steal it, another option is to also imagine yourself as someone you know who is confident and channel their inner confidence...........as mad as that sounds

TooTrueToBeGood Wed 16-Oct-19 15:03:38

You only truly fail when you stop trying.

Notthebloodymustardcushion Wed 16-Oct-19 15:04:10

Am not one for positive affirmations such as the ‘live laugh love’ type bollocks around the house,

But “give a fuck and do it anyway” I could get behind! grin I need a print with that on!

Notthebloodymustardcushion Wed 16-Oct-19 15:07:23

“I am exactly the same, I'm not very confident in myself and get paranoid what people think and put others on a pedastal”

Yes! Why do we do that to ourselves? It’s so stupid, I get all depressed seeing others doing well in the area of what I want to do, and imagine I can never be as good as them, yet I know that’s not true and it’s just me holding myself back. hmm

Notthebloodymustardcushion Wed 16-Oct-19 15:08:03

“You only truly fail when you stop trying.”

Very very true!

Notthebloodymustardcushion Wed 16-Oct-19 15:09:04

“also imagine yourself as someone you know who is confident and channel their inner confidence...........as mad as that sounds”

This I like. It doesn’t sound mad at all actually!

Hidingtonothing Wed 16-Oct-19 15:11:05

Yep, I'm trying really hard to employ 'feel the fear and do it anyway' these days, it's hard when my instinct is to run away and hide but then I think 'and where has that got me?' and the truth is it's held me back. It's a cliche I know but you really can only ever do your best and there's a huge amount of satisfaction in knowing that's exactly what you've done, even if the results aren't perfect.

No idea if this will work for anyone else but this strategy is working for me so far so I'll share it just in case. When I'm scared of doing something I imagine how I will feel if I chicken out and don't do it, namely disappointed in myself, like a failure and guilty about letting myself or someone else down. Then I imagine how I will feel if I do it, namely happy, positive and like I've achieved something, even if it doesn't go completely smoothly, because at least I tried. I think it works because, when I really think about it, that disappointed, guilty feeling is way worse than any of the alternatives, even things going really badly is better than knowing I didn't even give myself a chance.

It's not easy and you do have to steel yourself to push through the fear, but it's 100% worth it and the more you do it the easier it gets. Perfection matters a lot less to me these days, fear was holding me back so much that I realised downgrading my expectations to just managing to 'have a go' was probably sensible, it's actually strangely liberating to just be content with that smile

AutumnRose1 Wed 16-Oct-19 15:11:37

OP if industry people were really critical, I would take it on board, but of course lots of books get rejected in many places, then one publisher loves it.

But if they all said "this badly written" I'd have to agree, I think.

Re charging for items you've made, presumably that's more complicated because you're entering into a contract. So is it just fear, or is there an element of you can't be arsed? Which I would totally understand!

Househunt1 Wed 16-Oct-19 15:18:49

I know why do we do it to ourselves!! Feeling inferior to people that aren't better than us! It's like we want to keep it a secret for fear of being laughed at etc I am so bad at comparing myself too, I always feel like everyone has got everything sussed and I have soo much self doubt that recently the negative talk to myself was just wearing thin.

Maybe with whatever you're doing just start small and take steps that you feel comfortable with in slowly exposing it to the public if you can rather than just throwing yourself out there. I set up a facebook group a week ago (i know that's nothing special) but out of lack of confidence I will no way invite my personal friends list to the private non public group I have made for whatever fear of looking stupid infront of people I know but I am ok speaking and inviting people I don't know to the group.

I suppose we just have to think that things can be scary but just do it anyway and everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives they probably wouldn't judge or give whatever you're doing a negative second thought and also no-one knows you're feeling scared so put on a front, don't let people see the doubt or fear

Thecrown3 Wed 16-Oct-19 15:19:58

@Notthebloodymustardcushion what sort of things to do are you worried about? Is it taking up a new hobby or similar ?

HeadintheiClouds Wed 16-Oct-19 15:22:23

Very few people genuinely don’t give a fuck, they just push through anyway.

Heronry Wed 16-Oct-19 15:23:11

The entire world is not looking at every word you write/mark you make on paper or canvas, OP. What you are making is, at this point, a completely private affair. Later on will come other people's involvement -- an agent/gallery/exhibition. You may have to reckon with the judgement of industry professionals all saying version of the same thing, as @AutumnRose1 said, and that is of course something to take seriously. But at this point it's all yours.

And yes, on your death bed, what will you really want to be remembering? 'Thank heavens I never went ahead with that project because I let other people's feelings be more important to me than my own'?

You will encounter negative critical judgements. Every work of art does. I've just read three reviews of an opera I saw recently -- they all said different things, and disagreed on the quality of individual performances, the success of the set, the conducting. Some I agreed with, some not. Last night I was at a ballet. Some of the audience leapt to their feet and gave a standing ovation at the end, but I passed other people who had seen the same performance grumbling on their way to the cloakroom about 'rubbish' and 'modern nonsense.'

You're responsible for the making. Other people's responses are their own affair, and something you (a) can't control and (b) should therefore not overly concern yourself with.

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