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Mil always commenting on my clean house.

(106 Posts)
Bumblebee1115 Wed 16-Oct-19 11:06:34

Bit of an odd one.. I am pretty house proud. It’s by no means a show home. But the dishes are usually done and put away, it’s nearly always vacuumed (I have a cordless takes me no time at all), floor mopped, bathroom cleaned there’s no laundry lying around and it’s tidy as it can be with kids etc etc. I have ocd, anxiety and depression. I wish I could relax more around mess but I cannot and I would never judge anybody else’s home though.

I am fortunate enough to be a SAHM so I generally clean when DC are at school so the weekends with DC are for fun things as a family. I do plan to go back to work but both Dc have additional needs, DD only started school last month so I’m having some me time for now as I have raised them with very little support or help from family and Oh is always at work.

Anyway, every time mil comes over she comments on my clean home. Not in a well done, nice house house kind of way but a way she’s either jealous or making a dig because I have more time on my hands than her and I’m sick of it.

Things like ‘oh your house is so clean, but you have all the time in the world don’t you’ ‘my house is never clean because we both work’ ‘come clean my house because you have more time than me’ ‘you need to spend more time with the children rather than cleaning’ (again bullshit I clean when they are at school and don’t clean constantly) ‘must be so nice to have all the time in the world’. She says it all in such a bitchy way.

I just think you’re either house proud or your not. I’m aware if I worked I’d have less time but I would still want a clean house. I would never go over there and judge her house and truthfully it’s not be cleanest.

Every single time she comes over... But yet there’s been the odd time she’s turned up, usually unannounced and it’s been a mess and she’s judging me that way. I can’t bloody win!!

She’s also very intrusive. Looking through my stuff. Looking in a box (a parcel I had delivered yesterday), telling me how to re arrange my house. Telling me this and that, I should stop using my tumble dryer so much.

It’s just constant digs that I don’t work. Me and Oh agreed I’d have some time at home before finding a job. It’s hard. Both Dc have additional needs, we’ve had no family support raising them (literally didn’t have any time to myself before DC were both at school). I could be needed to pick them up at any time, school meetings, hospital appointments.

My life isn’t as easy as she thinks it is being a stay at home mum!

OH tells me to ignore her but he doesn’t stick up me for it all!!

Aibu to expect him to say something to her? I dread her visits! I feel like a failure most days as it is and she just tops it off!

EmeraldShamrock Wed 16-Oct-19 11:14:23

Ignore her. It is time management and efficiency too. My Dsis has a beautiful house she works fulltime, she can achieve an immaculate home in one hour, she is naturally tidy, a good organiser, she is like a soldier, I envy her skills.
It takes me an entire day tidying to achieve the downstairs.
I never get up and downstairs clean in the same day.
Say yes MIL it comes natural to me, I don't do procrastination it irritates me. grin

Oilyoilyoilgob Wed 16-Oct-19 11:15:38

I guess it depends if you think it might start even more arguments/digs? Only saying this as if you have anxiety would that be heightened at the thought of arguing or feeling like you have to defend yourself at every sentence she says.

I think the worst part is looking through your things, I’d ask her to not do that as it’s private.

Otherwise every comment just say ‘thank you for noticing, I love it looking and smelling clean and tidy’ and repeat repeat repeat with a lovely cheesy grin and ignore the tumble dryer comments. Or do what I do and do a non committal ‘ah right’ or ‘mmm hmm’ noise 😂

You sound like you’re doing a fantastic job-give yourself a huge pat on the back! It’s bloody hard work keeping a house-I don’t have kids and work from home and keeping on top of everything is a job in itself!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart Wed 16-Oct-19 11:18:03

I’d start doing the head tilt and say things like “are you ok MIL? You sound like you’re struggling. There’s no shame in asking for help. Is FIL pulling his weight? It’s not just your job you know?”

grin do it every time. She’ll soon realise she’s getting no joy from bringing up your clean house.

midnightmisssuki Wed 16-Oct-19 11:21:22

Yikes - I am houseproud too - but have limited time to clean.

Just ignore her Op.

SpinneyHill Wed 16-Oct-19 11:21:45

"Aww MIL! You're so nosey, rude and judgemental maybe you need a job that occupies your mind a little more so you have less time for this jealousy"
"well the alternative is having a house in a state like yours and fuck that!"

bloodywhitecat Wed 16-Oct-19 11:22:03

I am a stay at home foster parent (aged 56) now and I have a clean, tidy home. I was a full time employee working a 24/7 shift pattern and I had a clean, tidy home then. I was a full time employee with two kids and I had a clean, tidy home then too. Ever since I have been an adult I have had a clean and tidy home (I was a slovenly teen though blush). Some people are just naturally tidy. Strangely enough, my sister who was a spotless teen now lives in a hoarders style house.

Blondebakingmumma Wed 16-Oct-19 11:22:07

When she makes a comment I’d say

“It wouldn’t be a visit with you without the mandatory comment about our house. Get it out of your system so we can enjoy a nice cup of tea.”

bloodywhitecat Wed 16-Oct-19 11:23:25

You are NOT a failure and she is being very unkind.

SummerHouse Wed 16-Oct-19 11:24:53

This is not about you.
It's about her and how she feels she measures up.
A clean house is clearly essential to your mental well-being and no doubt you work very hard to keep it that way.
I would treat every dig as a compliment and thank her for it. I would also sympathise with her. It is hard for anyone to keep a clean home regardless of circumstances and she is just jealous. Don't let her negative emotions affect you.

Windydaysuponus Wed 16-Oct-19 11:27:43

Suggest she gets a cleaner if she can't manage her own cleaning.
Leave the room everytime she starts on...

underneaththeash Wed 16-Oct-19 11:28:02

Invite her round less!

SummerHouse Wed 16-Oct-19 11:28:51

Oh and I have a fantastic relationship with my MIL partly due to DPs words of wisdom. "Just agree with her and do whatever you want anyway." This is why she is a massive part of our lives and DCs lives. Whereas DPs brother is NC.

BlueChangeling Wed 16-Oct-19 11:30:25

My mother in law was the same she always complained that my house was too sterile and wasn't homely enough for her liking. I just started replying 'Well I love it like this so please stop going on'.

It did use to hurt my feelings but I like my home how it is, i honestly only clean for a few hours on a Saturday morning,I think she just seems to always catch it at its best because she calls round late Saturday afternoon when I've gotten the cleaning done that morning.

NoSauce Wed 16-Oct-19 11:32:24

And you’ve never pulled her up on any of this? confused

TryingToBeBold Wed 16-Oct-19 11:33:17

Just comment and say 'thanks! It's so nice having a lovely clean house compared to some you see'

I'm so lucky to have a long mat leave.. I saw a post once that said either the baby is clean, the house is clean, or you are clean.
Never all 3.
Effective time management means in my experience (don't jump on me.. I get this doesn't apply to all!) this is absolute bullshit.

It's just pure jealousy. That's all it is. A quick comment like the above.. or 'yes it's so lovely to have the time off and watch DC grow' will hopefully stop it

Windydaysuponus Wed 16-Oct-19 11:33:57

Mil used to complain our house was messy. Told her where the door was if she would rather go home..

Herocomplex Wed 16-Oct-19 11:34:14

You can ‘grey rock’ her, reply in a really full non-commital way (look up the term for a better explanation

She’s got you in a subordinate role for some reason, you need to get some boundaries in place. Don’t make it a drama, it’s what she’s looking for. Your DH is taking a back seat here, don’t let him. Push back, don’t justify yourself, take back your house!

Millymollymandybestie Wed 16-Oct-19 11:35:28

Ignore her I would love a clean tidy home and would love to be a sahm and hopefully we are going to trial something soon in regards to that. Dd has additional needs and you don’t get Time to yourself at all or to do anything really while they are there. Where I struggle to get the house clean in dd is such a poor sleeper (slightly better now) but on average it’s 10pm when she goes sleep and by then in fit to do nothing. Take the time for yourself people don’t appreciate how hard it is with kids with additional needs till they experience it.

Bumblebee1115 Wed 16-Oct-19 11:38:07

Thanks all. Because of my anxiety I do just let her speak to me like crap. (other things on top of the house). I struggle to stand up for myself. She’s always commenting on my parenting. She has no idea how tough things can get. She’s always comparing DC to her 4 children when they were little. Both mine have additional needs. It’s so disheartening.

I just can’t win with her.

She always makes comments on how she doesn’t have any time. She has 2-3 days off a week, she has a partner. They just don’t seem to do anything around the house on their days off. I don’t blame them wanting to go out and do things. I get that but she does have time if she makes the time!

Pineapplemintandstrawberrysage Wed 16-Oct-19 11:39:46

The problem is in you. I am a stay at home mum, and a lazy one. A lot of people have commented about it. I don't care. We can afford it. Dh is happy, so why not? Ignore them.
One day my IL turned up 7 in the morning and I was told I was scruffy for not being dressed. who cares?

Bumblebee1115 Wed 16-Oct-19 11:40:06

Thanks MillyMolly. It’s so hard. I wish I could relax more I cannot fully relax until my home is clean. I don’t know how you do it. Working and raising children with additional needs must be really hard. I plan to in the near future but I’m shattered enough as it is! My eldest is a poor sleeper too 😥

notangelinajolie Wed 16-Oct-19 11:41:22

Her sarkyness sounds passive aggressive to me.

I don't think it has anything to do with your clean house. What she really means is that she thinks that you should be working and not be relying on her poor, poor put upon son who has to work all hours of the day to support you in your lady of leisure of role.

Ignore, you don't have to explain anything to her. She is a cow.

Herocomplex Wed 16-Oct-19 11:41:23

Bumblebee can you plan to spend less time with her? Seriously think about ways to make her less important in your life. Are you having help with your anxiety?

Longlongsummer Wed 16-Oct-19 11:42:47

Actually my mother used to do this a lot! She’s lovely but she had a real thing about me being clean and tidy, as she’s just not the type. I mean she cleans but her house always has a bit of a scruffy feel. Whereas I love a nice house with nice colours, a really relaxing feel.

It’s not about work either, I bet you will keep it nice when you work too. I am sahm but was working full time with kids, and house exactly the same. I don’t even think I’m OCD, I don’t vacuum every day unless it needs it. It just triggered something in my mum. Like it’s triggering something in your MIL. A competitive or petty comparison thing where they’ve got to cut us down. As basically we are doing better on the clean stakes than they are. But who cares?! Obviously they do. It’s not a nice trait.

I just used to reply ‘Yes, I do like it tidy’ And brush it off. But feel free to ask why she always says it.

I’ve a horrible MIL. I never thought she was horrible but the signs were there. She used to always, and I mean always, ask where the clock on the wall was? That she found it odd as she always used to look at the time on it. Oh you mean the clock that was there when the Ex wife lived here? Yes I’m different and I’ve moved it, so what?! Went on for years.

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