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Help me deal with my FIL - he's driving me crazy

(61 Posts)
loosingmymind90 Tue 15-Oct-19 21:04:01

Please can anyone give me any tips to deal with this situation?

My DPs dad is staying with us, has been for the last 2 weeks as he’s not well. Hes late 50s. Hes been diagnosed with an illness which he can treat himself. He’s fine now and has been for the last week, but ended up in hospital before staying with us and he lives abroad. He usually does stay with us around three times a year for a couple of days. Never really any issues beforehand.

It’s now 2 weeks. I’m going mental. I’m currently on maternity leave. He’s the laziest, messiest, arrogant, unpleasant, selfish man I’ve ever met! I always knew he was abit arrogant but spending all this time with him has opened my eyes right up! I’m constantly cleaning up, blankets all over, bits of food everywhere, everything left out, food containers never in the recycling or bin, toilet seat up, plates on the side (despite a dish washer being underneath!!), tripping over his shoes / slippers sprawled out everywhere, finger nails on the sofa 🤢 on top of this, he has whinged the entire time he’s been here about wanting to be home (yet not being proactive in phoning the doctors I.e calling at 8.30am to get an appointment, as he wakes up at 11am) and complaining about the NHS (a serious pet peeve of mine alone)

He takes no interest in getting to know me or what me and daughter get up to. It’s always a one sided conversation. He never hears what I say it’s always “EHH” or blanks me completely. You can just tell he's not interested in what I've got to say. Whenever I’m (rarely!) watching TV he talks all the way through. He doesn’t go out unless he needs to go to the doctor, doesn’t go see his friends apart from 1 he stayed with. Is literally sat on sofa all day watching TV. He cooks meals despite me telling him what I’m making for tea that night but if I’m not in - he’s done it anyway (usually something I don’t like and tbh isn’t nice he’s not a good cook) never cleans up after cooking. Claims he doesn’t know how to along with using a washing machine. Has just learnt to occasionally empty the dish washer. He dumped his clothes in front of me and asked me to wash them, I said can you put them in the washing machine? His response “ oh I don’t know how to” and walks off. I’ve known this man for 8 years and he’s only just realised I don’t like my name shortened (it’s short anyway!) despite me telling me I fucking hate it every time he’s home. Every. Single. Time. His wife does look after him so I appreciate she probably does a lot of this for him, but is not just common fucking curtsy to clean up after yourself when at someone else's house?! Am I living in a different world?

I’ve cracked up and burst into tears with my DP, despite having two other discussions about this. My DP thinks I’m being very unreasonable and that he can’t just kick his dad out. His dad is trying to be more tidy.

Firstly - he should have gone ages ago! He has other family who don’t want him because of all the issues I’ve stated above. He stayed with his mate for 2 nights and came home early because they were at their wits end too. My partner is at work all day and is refusing to believe how miserable I am. Secondly I’m now sat upstairs in a dark room crying, with my daughter asleep whilst them two are sat together watching more shit on the TV which I don’t like. His dad definitely has an opinion of women I.s he praises my DP massive amounts when he cleans up after himself or hoovers ups. Tells me I've got a good one and an amazing dad to my LG (which he is) but in his mind because he's changed a shitty nappy or played with her when he's home from work...

I’ve tried soo hard to think he’s not been well and calm down but I can’t do it anymore. Am I just being awful and should I suck it up? I’ve told my DP he needs to be gone by Thursday (he should be booking a flight home tomorrow) as I don’t even want to be “home” anymore. I don’t even want to be in my home anymore. I’m soo pissed off with my DP, I’d be mortified if my mum treated him like this.

I think I just needed a bloody rant too, on top of alll this! I’m a FTM mum too, which I love but with about 6 hours sleep combined for the past week I’m loosing the plot.

Oneborneverydecade Tue 15-Oct-19 21:08:36

YANBU you shouldn't have to but if he doesn't go Thursday I'd be tempted to go for a little break at my parents. Let your DH deal with the mess when he gets in from work

JetGrind Tue 15-Oct-19 21:10:37

I'd book into a hotel and leave them to it for a bit. You not being around to clean up after FIL will be a wake up call to your DH.

Troels Tue 15-Oct-19 21:14:25

Pack yourself and the baby up and tell Dh call you when he's gone.

mnahmnah Tue 15-Oct-19 21:16:46

Can you go to stay with anyone until he leaves? I would go and visit my mum, for instance. See how your DP enjoys all the cleaning and tidying after his dad. Or the complete mess.

EmmiJay Tue 15-Oct-19 21:18:38

What JetGrind said. And flip him the bird as you leave.

Krisskrosskiss Tue 15-Oct-19 21:18:44

Can you just stay in a nearby hotel for a few nights to make a point? If not just completely stop tidying up after him or doing his washing or any of that. These men rely on you not making a scene... your DH is relying on you to not make a scene do he doesnt actually hafe to think about how much work his dad genuinely is for you... somehow you need to make him face up to the reality of it be either leaving for a bit or just not doing any of it and forcing him or his dad to do it....

mankyfourthtoe Tue 15-Oct-19 21:22:25

I'd go on strike but preferably I'd move out tomorrow.

loosingmymind90 Tue 15-Oct-19 21:26:25

I can't believe I never even thought about booking a hotel. If he's not booked a flight tomorrow - I'm off to the local premier inn!

Unfortunately I can't stay at my mums, I have two much younger siblings so would have to sleep on the sofa which isn't really ideal.

I wish I could not clean up and leave his mess for my DP, but I can't. I wouldn't say I'm a neat freak either but I can't stand dirty dishes at the side of the side, Used glasses everywhere and mid night food snacks all over the place.

Thank you for the responses though, when my DP tells me Im BU - I'll show him this thread!

Cherrysoup Tue 15-Oct-19 21:29:25

Can you go to your mum’s for a few days til he’s gone? I appreciate you shouldn’t have to, but it’ll give you a break. Tell dh you’re staying away til his dad has gone. Bet he makes him leave ASAP!

If you don’t want to go, and why should you, then you need to tell him to stop doing a, b and c and start doing x, y and z. Be brutal!

Inebriati Tue 15-Oct-19 21:32:36

Does your DP secretly think its women's job to parent men? Its the only reason I can think of why he won't see a problem with your FILs behaviour.

cacklingmags Tue 15-Oct-19 21:40:20

Yes, go to a hotel - you can say a friend needs you right now. Let your DP look after his dad and see what its like.

k1233 Tue 15-Oct-19 21:42:02

Call him in to clean up every single time. If you need to do dishes - FIL please come and n and help. Clean up spills FIL please come on and clean up. Repeat. Washing Fil please come here and I'll show you how to use the machine.

PrettyPurse Tue 15-Oct-19 21:44:56

I know you can't stand it being a mess but unless you let yr unsupportive "D"P actually see the issue, it's not going to hit home.

Stop clearing up and please go and stay elsewhere as neither of them have any respect for you

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle Tue 15-Oct-19 21:46:44

Your DH is thoughtless and selfish to leave you to endure this daily!! I reckon he knows fine well and is happy to stick his head in the sand 🤨If you can get out- leave your DH to tidy and clean and font come back til it's done! Arse

Smelborp Tue 15-Oct-19 21:53:59

I would absolutely be in a hotel ASAP. It sounds awful.

loosingmymind90 Tue 15-Oct-19 21:57:17

Does your DP secretly think its women's job to parent men? Its the only reason I can think of why he won't see a problem with your FILs behaviour.

That's actually a really good point. I've never thought about it like that. I hope not. My DP is a very tidy and clean person which I don't understand why he's ignoring it. It's like he's got rose tinted glasses on with his Dad

Although I do tidy after him, he does leave plates around which my DP will tell him to move. However, the next time he comes to eat it's the same thing. Then complains that my DP is a "nazi" telling him to tidy up all the time. I honestly think it's just his sick view that he should be waited on. I feel like I'm in his house

I'll admit I'm not blunt enough with FIL but I feel a little awkward if I'm honest. I'd be more confident if my DP just had a proper word with him about ALL of the issues. FIL doesn't listen to a bloody word I say anyway angry

I'm looking at hotels now

mankyfourthtoe Tue 15-Oct-19 22:03:51

Or an air bnb might be cheaper.

Get a box and just put his stuff in it, then it's tidier.

Aderyn19 Tue 15-Oct-19 22:04:25

You should tell 'd' p that if he has a choice - he can either be in a relationship with you or he can live with his dad, but he can not do both. You shouldn't have to leave your own home. It doesn't matter that do thinks this isn't a problem - you do and that ought to be good enough for your partner to deal with this situation.
Tbh, I'd throw the pair of them out! You will have a baby soon enough - you don't need to be parenting your fucking idiot dp and fil too!

NoraThePessimist Tue 15-Oct-19 22:04:46

Most women would have left before now. There's no way most people would put up with this, would your DH put up with the same shit from your dad? Thought not.
I'd leave them both to it and seek alternative accommodation, honestly would, if doesn't have my back in that situation what's the point of pretending it's all fine!

Skittlesandbeer Tue 15-Oct-19 22:04:57

100% book yourself a room now, and go without delay. Whether he books a flight or not. I’d underline my protest to DH, and proclaim my move to the rest of the family/friends. The situation requires it, so you set a very firm precedent for the future.

Your FIL is actually relatively young now, and if he’s like this at nearly 60, what do you think will happen over the next few years? Make it clear to everyone (by moving out) that you shouldn’t be counted on to play housekeeper/nursemaid. Ever. Again.

By the way, loved the typo ‘common fucking curtsy’. Summed up the service His Highness seems to expect from you! grin

Aderyn19 Tue 15-Oct-19 22:09:17

It's funny how men never see the problem because they fuck off out to work all day and you do the clearing up, so by the time he gets home it doesn't look that bad. It's a very had sign that do is ignoring your unhappiness and does not bode at all well for when you are sleep deprived new parents.
You need to insist fil goes now - book him the Premier Inn and tell dp that if he's got any objections he can join him!

timeisnotaline Tue 15-Oct-19 22:10:10

Definitely hotel or Airbnb and not Thursday, ASAP. Ask your dp why everyone else said he couldn’t stay if he thinks you’re exaggerating? Then tell him to have fun and you’ll be back when fil has left and house is clean. You can tell fil a friend needs help if that’s eaiser - something like late pregnancy and active toddler with partner working away or something.

Be prepared for the possibility that he cleans up after himself when it’s just your dp there not you to clean up after him , it doesn’t sound likely but is possible.

NearlyGranny Tue 15-Oct-19 22:14:44

Tell DP you'll come back when his DF* is gone AND the house is clean.

Stick to it.

*Disgusting father

Horehound Tue 15-Oct-19 22:14:48

Christ I'd be off tonight never mind tomorrow!
It's really shit your husband is ignoring your feelings in your own house and especially so when you have a baby to look after

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