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Boyfriend doesn’t want to move in together as he wants to save...

(151 Posts)
Ace56 Tue 15-Oct-19 20:43:35

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months. We are both in our late twenties. For various reasons I moved back home with my parents about a year ago (before this, was living with a friend). He is also living back with his parents and has been since he graduated uni. So we see each other on weekends.

We are now saving to buy a house, and are obviously able to save quite a lot since we are both living at home. The thing is, in order to save for a full deposit, it will take another 2 1/2 to 3 years, by which time I will be over 30. I REALLY don’t want to be over 30 and still living with my parents...I want to live with him and move forward as a couple, even if that means renting and saving less every month. We have talked about marriage, children etc, so we both see the relationship as long term.

He, however, thinks that renting together would be mad as our savings would be so low, and that he would rather live at home for another few years in order to be secure in the long term.

AIBU to want to live with him sooner rather than later, so we can start to build a life together, even though it means it will take longer to buy a house? We have talked about it and he understands my point of view, but his reply was basically “well I’m not stopping you moving out if you want - move back in with your friend if you don’t want to live with your parents. But I want to continue to save as I am doing for our future.” (I have rephrased but that was the gist of it).

Bigpizzalover Tue 15-Oct-19 20:49:04

I think he has a point.
If it will take 3 years to save both living at home with minimal outgoings, think how long it will take with rent, utilities, insurance etc.
You have also talked marriage and children and mentioned you are nearly 30.... when do you want a wedding and DC as they also cost a lot of money, delaying the house purchase further.
Are either of your parents houses large enough for you to both live under one roof? Contributing towards the costs of living there will be less than running a house and will enable you to save. Depending on the parent, you may pay less for board been in one house than living separately so could save even quicker.

Butchyrestingface Tue 15-Oct-19 20:52:04

Think I agree with him. Unless of course you want to have children/marry, in which case, the plans for buying may have to go on the backburner.

LemonSqueezy0 Tue 15-Oct-19 20:52:32

You can't force him to move in with you, even if we all said you were right... Neither of you are wrong for how you feel but he seems pretty set on his decision, so the next move is yours...

user1493413286 Tue 15-Oct-19 20:53:35

I can see his point; it’s the most sensible thing to do. Could you live with him at his parents? Or the other way round? I know it’s not ideal but it’s what DH and I did for a bit to save money.

CherryPavlova Tue 15-Oct-19 20:54:09

I agree he is being sensible and looking for a secure future.

embarassednewname Tue 15-Oct-19 20:54:40

He's either insane or just not that into you..or he likes his mum doing all his laundry and doesn't want to give up the cushy life. Either way, you need to consider if you can keep going like this.

Remember, you don't truly get to know someone until you live with them. You might invest another 3 years in this relationship to find out he treats you as his skivvy

LoyaltyBonus Tue 15-Oct-19 20:56:08

He's right. One you're paying rent and all the other things involved in living in the real world you'll save very little.

OTOH if he really wanted to be with you, I'm not sure that would stop him.

Witchinaditch Tue 15-Oct-19 20:58:05

I agree with him sorry op. It makes the most sense

Chickychoccyegg Tue 15-Oct-19 21:00:02

i wouldn't be very impressed with this either and can see why you wouldn't want to still be living with your parents into your 30's, i also wouldn't buy a house with someone i had never lived with, especially one who's happy living at home, no doubt used to his mum doing most of the jobs and him being used to keeping all his wages to himself.

applesandacorns Tue 15-Oct-19 21:01:30

A relationship in your late twenties where both of you live with your parents and see each other on weekends sounds more like a teenage relationship than an adult one...

Move out.

embarassednewname Tue 15-Oct-19 21:01:52

can see why you wouldn't want to still be living with your parents into your 30's, i also wouldn't buy a house with someone i had never lived with, especially one who's happy living at home, no doubt used to his mum doing most of the jobs and him being used to keeping all his wages to himself.

This, well put

GettingABitDesperateNow Tue 15-Oct-19 21:03:25

Hi OP

Is he suggesting you buy a house together before you've ever lived together? I personally think that's madness, you can't possibly know what someone is really like or what they're like to live with until you have actually lived with them and know you can live with all the million annoying little things they do. Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick but I'd always rent for at least 6 months before actually buying together. Even if it's a one bedroom apartment somewhere close to work for 6 months. The alternative is you move in together at your respective parents houses eg spend weeknights at one and weekends at the other?

Purpleartichoke Tue 15-Oct-19 21:03:52

He is right about being able to save, but I would really question a man who thinks living with his parents until age 30 is ok. They don’t need to be subsidizing him.

If you don’t need to live with your parents, get an apartment independent of your boyfriend.

18995168a Tue 15-Oct-19 21:05:47

I think you’re both nuts to consider buying a house together without having lived together first tbh.

He sounds a bit like a wet blanket, happy to have his parents subsidise his living expenses so he can meet his goals faster, I suspect I’ll be unpopular saying this but where’s his integrity or drive to provide for himself? Yes, it’s difficult to save for a deposit while renting, but it doesn’t sound like it would be impossible for the two of you, especially when he’s already had a good chunk of time living off his mum and dad to kickstart his savings account.

If he was crazy about you he’d want to live with you and not be content with several more years of living apart and just seeing one another casually on weekends, working together as a team to save for a house and experiencing what it’s like to live together before making such a huge investment as a pair.

I suspect he has his eye on the prize of a mortgage with or without you and he doesn’t seem open to compromise, he sounds not really that into you sorry to say. In your shoes I’d be moving out myself either with friends, alone or in a house share, really focusing on my career and building my income and saving hard so I had the option of buying with or without him in the future.

Ace56 Tue 15-Oct-19 21:06:17

Thanks all.
Forgot to add, we did agree to rent together for at least a year before buying, just so we can see if we’re actually compatible in the same house! I’d never buy with someone without living with them first. He only wants to do this AFTER he’s saved enough for the deposit though.

LoyaltyBonus Tue 15-Oct-19 21:06:20

Gosh I'm a bit shock at the horror at buying with someone you've never lived with.

When I got married we both moved from out parents' houses to our own and that was completely "normal". It would have been shocking to do anything else grin It can't be that long ago

daisypond Tue 15-Oct-19 21:08:51

I think he’s wrong. You need to be together now, not in three years. Can you look at buying something smaller, a flat instead of a house, so you can move quickly?

Grumpos Tue 15-Oct-19 21:09:01

Although his approach makes sense in a financial way it doesn’t actually allow you to “start” your life together does it.

This is the crux of it. Are you willing to wait until he is ready (for whatever reason - financial or otherwise).

Living apart isn’t a big deal, plenty of couples do it especially in the current financial climate but it’s more about whether you feel happy to wait - and it seems from your OP you are not.

Neither of you are BU but there does need to be agreement in your approach to your life together. If I were you I would take a step back, have a bit of time to myself and really, really think about whether you are willing to play the long game or try your hand elsewhere

18995168a Tue 15-Oct-19 21:09:58

So he wants to keep living apart for another few years, just seeing you on weekends, before you can even live together and test each other out for a year in a rental...

Nah. Don’t allow someone else to delay and dictate your future like that, especially in your late twenties with marriage and babies on your mind. Too big a risk. Time to move on and date to find someone who’s really into you and ready to start an adult life together.

1Morewineplease Tue 15-Oct-19 21:10:01

I get his point... it’s so much harder to save whilst renting. However, you both need to spend time together to see if you’re compatible. Not sure how you’ll enable this .
Is there any opportunity for you both to be together in a low rent property, if only for a few months and maybe downsize the wedding that you’ve envisaged ?

ludothedog Tue 15-Oct-19 21:12:55

No way would I be staying with parents at your ages just to save money. Unfair on your parents and not very mature.

Being mean with money is so unattractive and who really wants to put their lives on hold like this? As others have said it's more likely to do with having his mu m do everything for him plus he's just not that in to you.

Is that really enough for you? Why would you settle like that?

Jollitwiglet Tue 15-Oct-19 21:17:04

I can see both sides of this to be honest.

My husband lived with his parents until his late 20s to save for a house. Doesn't mean mummy did everything for him. He paid his parents a decent amount monthly, did his own chores and household chores and would cook for the whole family regularly. He was reluctant to move out before he had enough for a deposit.

I on the other hand moved out at quite a young age and was renting my own flat when we met. I had no savings and was just about getting by.

When we bought our first flat, it was solely using his money as I had none and only his name was on the property, I was in quite a vulnerable position but it worked out in the end (I had enough savings that if we broke up I could rent somewhere).

If he is happy to keep saving at home and for you to rent in the meantime, is that something you would consider?

SunshineAngel Tue 15-Oct-19 21:19:55

I honestly think it is a really good idea, as being on the property ladder is a great step, and renting just makes saving incredibly slow.

Is there anything you can do to save faster? I know that's a stupid thing to say, but I assume you're utilising all opportunities like the help to buy ISA, cutting back on spending, etc?

Honestly, time just flies by, and you will be there with your own property before you know it smile.

18995168a Tue 15-Oct-19 21:20:20

When we bought our first flat, it was solely using his money as I had none and only his name was on the property,

I know it worked out in the end (I’m glad!) but surely it’s incorrect to say when you bought your first flat together? If it was his money and his name on the mortgage and deeds then he bought his first flat and you just lived there with him right?

ludo I agree completely with everything you’ve so succinctly said: there are some things in life more important than money or ‘getting on the property ladder’ and self sufficiency in your (especially late!) twenties and independence from your parents is certainly one of them.

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