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Absolutely fed up of being married to a manchild

(199 Posts)
ncmarriedtoamanchild Tue 15-Oct-19 13:01:47

DH contributes very little to the housework, leaves mess behind him which I am left to tidy up or look at for weeks until he does something about it. I cook the majority of our meals. He can’t do DIY, doesn’t do gardening unless asked, I do our washing - his last attempt at resulted in my white shirt being dyed and our clothes not drying due to being thrown bunched up on the clothes horse. I refuse to do all of the cleaning so we have a cleaner. I manage all of our household bills, when an account was in his name he 'overlooked' repeated emails asking for meter readings which resulted in us owing a huge amount. The few things he does do are only when asked, aren't done well and seems to think he's done me a favour. I've tried talking to him countless times about how I feel and the impact it is having on me, but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.

Ultimatums lead to him promising to try harder but things soon revert back to normal. I have tried leaving him to his own devices but he's oblivious and for my own wellbeing I cannot leave the house in such a state. I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes. Due to all of the above any sexual attraction I once had for him has gone, which DH frequently moans about.

I'm 26 now but met when I was 20, he was 29. We have a house together, DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home. Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'... hmm but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there. We don’t have any DC as I know I'd be left to it all. I don't want to be the person who gets divorced after 2 years and I know family will be disappointed but I feel like I've exhausted all options… AIBU to be considering divorce?

mbosnz Tue 15-Oct-19 18:52:57

God my fanny would slam shut around a muppet like him! You would be able to hear the clang in Slimbridge!

That almost made me laugh out loud, which considering the truly foul mood I'm in with my dearly beloved, is really quite something. I think my fanny currently resembles a gin trap. . .

FreedomBird Tue 15-Oct-19 18:57:28

This is exactly why I left my ex ‘D’H. I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man who pulls his share of the work. (Even does slightly more actually!)

Perunatop Tue 15-Oct-19 19:01:12

Definitely time to move on. You will have learned from this experience and should be in a better position to find a more collaborative partner for the future.

Glacecherrychops Tue 15-Oct-19 19:02:15

Don't think about what you are losing by leaving.

Think about what you are gaining.

Freedom. The chance to meet a partner you have respect for. The chance for children with a decent partner.

Your own place that you can keep neat and tidy.

You don't need anyones approval, we'll all be dead in 100 years. Go enjoy your one life, don't waste it in drudgery

CupoTeap Tue 15-Oct-19 19:19:13

You don't need permission to leave him.

This is a good enough reason to leave him.

You will be happier.
You don't have to live like this.

AriadneCrete Tue 15-Oct-19 19:20:40

He sounds absolutely awful. I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him, this kind of behaviour is deeply unattractive.

Make no mistake he is doing this all on purpose. There is absolutely no way someone who can hold down a job and even have a successful career, can’t pack his own bag for a weekend away. I like the way a previous poster phrased it- “strategic incompetence“. That’s exactly what he’s doing when he mixes colours with the washing, can’t manage bills etc. He can do it, he just doesn’t want to do it.

I sadly know of very successful men working in the City who actually brag about this kind of revolting behaviour. They do it because they can get away with it. Don’t let it be you. You’re still very young!

Marmozet Tue 15-Oct-19 19:22:15

I left my long term partner of 7 years when I was 26 as despite ultimatums given they never changed. My god was it liberating to do so. 3 years later I met someone who is amazing and made me realise how I was settling for so long. Just get out there! Honestly you will look back at this and think why the hell did I not leave sooner!?

PickAChew Tue 15-Oct-19 19:22:31

Yanbu. This is not the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and definitely not to have a family with.

Stop doing anything that benefits him more than you and act on those ultimatums.

LemonPrism Tue 15-Oct-19 19:24:49

@DistanceCall well yes, what I meant was 'at the very least you should still fancy them in your 20s'.

catyrosetom2 Tue 15-Oct-19 19:26:32

Chuckling imagining the sound of a fanny clanging in Slimbridge and the birds all flying off...

OP life is too short. If you do eventually have kids, what sort of example do you want to set for them? One where they should not expect a partner to do anything?

You are being taken for granted. Don’t stay with someone who does not deserve you in order not to disappoint your family - they are not the ones living your life.

Wallywobbles Tue 15-Oct-19 19:28:14

You'll divorce him. Which will be a shock to his system. Particularly if you are the one to leave.

He'll find the next one and shape up for a bit. Then relax. She'll divorce him (probably with kids in the equation).

He might have woken up to himself by wife number 3 but I'd say the odds are still low.

PickAChew Tue 15-Oct-19 19:37:53

After that name change fail, op seems about as engaged with this thread as her dh is with the housework.

Ginseng1 Tue 15-Oct-19 19:49:50

Run away n don't have kids with him. I left partner of 5 years at 26 (lived with him for 4). He drained the life out of me, begged me to stay calling crying making me feel like shit & a lunatic. I swear the day I moved out I felt a massive weight lifted off me. I thank God we never had kids. Had a ball for 3 years (lived the 20s I'd missed) then met my now Dh. Hes amazing (16 yrs together n 3 kids). Don't put up with this. You've got plenty of warning so no excuse stop moaning & get out.

MrsJonesAndMe Tue 15-Oct-19 19:58:30

Not going to read the whole thread, but it won't get better. Walk away.

brimfullofasha Tue 15-Oct-19 20:09:43

@steenac7 my dad sang that at my wedding

Fookadook Tue 15-Oct-19 20:14:47

Your family aren’t the ones having to put up with his behaviour. You need to think about you.

ShadowOnTheSun Tue 15-Oct-19 20:30:12

Run, woman, run and don't look back! You'll feel so much better without him (speaking from experience).

I was married to such man-child. Married at 24, separated four years after, divorced after 2 more. My family also didn't support me/understand me, as he was 'such a lovely man'. And true, he was, superficially. However, they didn't LIVE with him. I wasn't ashamed to be divorced in my 20s. The way I saw it: ok, I've made a mistake, but I'll be damned if I sacrifice all my life and future because of this mistake.

He was exactly as you describe and worse. He 'didn't see' the mess. Everything was always 'ok' for him. Sure, he could do what was asked of him after a bitching-nagging session, but I wanted to be his wife and not his mom.

One of the final straws was when I got back after visiting my parents (been away for a month, he couldn't go). Our baby was 6 months old then. So I come back with a baby, exhausted after a flight. House is a COMPLETE mess (believe me when I say this, I'm absolutely not pedantic), rubbish everywhere, dirty, stinky, gross. No food in the fridge. I go to the bathroom. And I see a dirty nappy on a washing machine. The thing is, I was in a hurry to catch my flight, so quickly changed the baby and forgot to bin the nappy. It was still there. AFTER A MONTH. Now I'm not timid/shy or anxious, I'm a ballsy, 'take no shit' kind of woman. But I sat on a toilet and cried.

I left him shortly after that. First I started resenting him, then I was repulsed and then I started properly hating him, so there was absolutely no point and no way to stay together.

Last I heard of him, I'm still 'a bitch' for leaving him, as he 'done everything for me' and was completely faultless. Fuck him.

So yea. LEAVE.

lynzpynz Tue 15-Oct-19 20:38:57

My hubby does washing, cleaning, cooking and dishes - I don't need to ask him. He's not perfect but not all men are like this. I didn't meet him till I was 27 either so you're waaaay to young to resign yourself to a life of indentured servitude! If you love someone you put up with a lot but if you have completely lost any attraction for him for whatever reason you would both be better cutting your losses. Family do not have to live with him so their opinions are big pile of blah, you need to be 'selfish' here and look after you. You deserve to be happy if he's not making you happy move on.

And tbh it sounds like you've tried numerous times to help him learn to do things but it's not sounding like he isn't capable, more he can't be bothered putting the effort in to do something well so slap dash she'll sort it and blame you for nagging that he's half-arsed stuff.

You deserve a partner who shares the load.

timeisnotaline Tue 15-Oct-19 20:48:30

Have children with someone else op. Someone who cares and pitches in.

Grumpos Tue 15-Oct-19 20:51:43

Omg divorce him and move on.

Honestly he can’t love you or think that much of you if he allows you to pick up all of the crap in life, he shows you no respect or care for your well being.

Let’s be honest, you would both be happier in the long run.

Separate now before you being to absolutely hate your life and despise him. It is nothing to do with your family and if they are so concerned then let them be the ones to wash his clothes, clean up his mess and look after his financial inabilities.

You’re 26 - go out and enjoy your life! And eventually meet someone you fancy the life out of and who will treat you as an equal.

Poolbridge Tue 15-Oct-19 21:45:02

You have described my life OP to a tee and in 8 days - after 8 years of this same unremitting hell hole of an existence - I am leaving my STBXH, though much older than you (40y) and with 2DC.
I agree with all the sentiments expressed - which is get out now, before your life turns into one of bleak regret and relentlesss resentment and misgivings, thinking about the life you could have led.
You know what you need to do.

Cherrysoup Tue 15-Oct-19 22:17:00

Blimey, don’t be ashamed to leave him, you’re more than justified!

I’m usually home later than my dh. He’s put a recliner in the kitchen so I can sit and talk to him as he makes dinner. On Friday, he handed me a drink, I had a dog on my knee and watched and told him about my day as he made tea. Bliss.

DishingOutDone Tue 15-Oct-19 22:59:46

nearly 200 messages saying LTB. Do you think OP has already gone?

FairiesontheSwing Wed 16-Oct-19 07:59:03

I left my ex for similar including not working. Never looked back.

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