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Absolutely fed up of being married to a manchild

(199 Posts)
ncmarriedtoamanchild Tue 15-Oct-19 13:01:47

DH contributes very little to the housework, leaves mess behind him which I am left to tidy up or look at for weeks until he does something about it. I cook the majority of our meals. He can’t do DIY, doesn’t do gardening unless asked, I do our washing - his last attempt at resulted in my white shirt being dyed and our clothes not drying due to being thrown bunched up on the clothes horse. I refuse to do all of the cleaning so we have a cleaner. I manage all of our household bills, when an account was in his name he 'overlooked' repeated emails asking for meter readings which resulted in us owing a huge amount. The few things he does do are only when asked, aren't done well and seems to think he's done me a favour. I've tried talking to him countless times about how I feel and the impact it is having on me, but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.

Ultimatums lead to him promising to try harder but things soon revert back to normal. I have tried leaving him to his own devices but he's oblivious and for my own wellbeing I cannot leave the house in such a state. I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes. Due to all of the above any sexual attraction I once had for him has gone, which DH frequently moans about.

I'm 26 now but met when I was 20, he was 29. We have a house together, DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home. Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'... hmm but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there. We don’t have any DC as I know I'd be left to it all. I don't want to be the person who gets divorced after 2 years and I know family will be disappointed but I feel like I've exhausted all options… AIBU to be considering divorce?

Wherearemycrayons Tue 15-Oct-19 13:03:55

No you are definitely not being unreasonable!! Being married is a partnership, has he always been like this? My ex was exactly like this, thankfully that’s all he is, an ex!!

5foot5 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:04:51

YANBU in the least. You are only 26, still young enough to start afresh with a grown up.

mbosnz Tue 15-Oct-19 13:05:27

Have you told him that you are considering divorce? Do you think some mediation or counselling might help?

(FWIW I'd be considering murder at this point. . . just jokes. . .)

Butchyrestingface Tue 15-Oct-19 13:05:28

Well, you sound very unhappy, don’t want to have sex with him and have no faith that he will change his ways.

Plus you don’t have kids and are only 26.

I say go for it! 👍

AbbyHammond Tue 15-Oct-19 13:06:46

We don’t have any DC
Run! And don't look back!

There are lots of better men out there, and now you know to choose better before having DC. Don't waste another minute of your youth on this loser.

Winterriscoming Tue 15-Oct-19 13:07:06

@Wherearemycrayons he used to make slightly more of an effort but it’s never been great. Been like this for the past couple of years at least. Looking back I should have noticed the signs but I guess I was young and naive and madly in love with him.

5foot5 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:07:12

Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'...

Biggest load of rubbish, they definitely are not. My DH is in his 60s and we have been together more than 30 years. He has always pulled his weight around the house and done his fair share of all aspects of housework, childcare, DIY etc.

Happyspud Tue 15-Oct-19 13:07:14

Fair do’s to you for considering divorce. You can either keep him as your man child like a noose around your neck, but assuming he brings something of value to your relationship.

Or you make your life easier and hit the restart button.

Winterriscoming Tue 15-Oct-19 13:08:31

@mbosnz I’ve told him I’m at breaking point and he says he’ll change but I’ve heard it all before sad

Tableclothing Tue 15-Oct-19 13:08:51


He's had 6 years to sort himself out. That's quite a lot of time for an adult without additional needs to learn how to basic household chores. This one has refused. Good on you for putting your foot down before getting tied down with children too.

All men are not the same. There are plenty who are net contributors to a marriage/shared life.

Why on earth would you want to spend your life being a slave/carer for someone who is just lazy?

HEMammajamma Tue 15-Oct-19 13:09:01

Had he always been like this? When you met him what was he like?

You're not being unreasonable based on how he is now from your OP but it would be unreasonable if he was always like this before you got married and you now expect differently from him.
If he changed to this, then he needs to sort himself out.

gamerchick Tue 15-Oct-19 13:09:46

I wastes my 20s on someone who didn't deserve them. Get out now, you have a long way in front of you.

Windydaysuponus Tue 15-Oct-19 13:09:54

Why op you certainly do have a dc. A ready made teenager.
Actually my teens do a lot more than him!!
He needs eviction ime.
Life will suddenly become so much more enjoyable.....

Loopytiles Tue 15-Oct-19 13:09:56

In short term, completely stop washing and cooking for him.


You’re married to a sexist man. His responses when you’ve challenged him are also a massive red flag.

Having DC would make this a billion times worse.

ELM8 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:10:08

Life is too short to commit to this for the rest of your life. Can you cope for another 50/60 years?! Not all men are like this.

The problem you've got is that he doesn't actually see the issues and it's him not doing stuff which is harder to tackle. I find it's much easier to ask someone to "stop doing X" rather than "can you start doing Y" - you will have a lifetime of this.

Lovemenorca Tue 15-Oct-19 13:10:14

*but he's totally deluded, claiming he does everything around the house and I am the one who's nagging/controlling/mental.*

But if what you say is accurate - surely this is very easily proved incorrect?

FeelingUseless100 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:10:22

Jeez, walk away before you have kids. It’ll get a million times worse after that.

If you don’t fancy him, he’s already a man child and you are only 26 FFS get out. You have so much time to find a true life partner.

I have a lot of kids, my DH works hard and also does 50/50 at home. And I still fancy the pants off him. We were your age when we got together, and they are NOT all the same.

Pinkbonbon Tue 15-Oct-19 13:10:35

Didn't even pack you a Chang if clothes for your trip?!

Sorry op but that was deliberate. Surely you can see that. He isn't a man child, he is a manipulative wanker. He even gaslights you and calls you crazy when you dare to imply he does sod all. When he does infact, do sod all.

Hope you adjust your perspective now and start seeing this for what it really is.

Loopytiles Tue 15-Oct-19 13:11:54

Yeah, given that he’s the problem, your age and the (understandable) loss of sexual attraction, leaving (rather than counselling) is clearly the best option for you IMO.

Drabarni Tue 15-Oct-19 13:13:22

YABU, you married him and it couldn't have come s a shock to you, unless you'd not spent any time with him.

Batcrazy101 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:14:33

Is it worth while making a list?
A list of things you do a list of things he does and then a shared list as it is just now. Then have a sit down, show him how unbalanced the work load is and start dividing the work load up more evenly and in relation to the time you both have?

It might be an eye opener for him. If he still doesn’t change or refuses to see the in balance then I would maybe look at counselling or mediation before going straight to parting ways. You loved him once despite all these things. Maybe something else is going on?

Pinkbonbon Tue 15-Oct-19 13:18:27

Ah wait it was his clothes he didn't pack.
He's still a dick though xD
I think the idea about lists might be worth a shot but tbh it sounds like you've been clear enough already. Sod the counciling. It doesn't sound like he wants to change. Give him one last shot at it and if he doesn't shape up, you should ship out.

user1471548941 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:20:56

I was with a man like this, the attraction disappeared very quickly when we moved in together and I realised. Especially with all of his family laughing over supposed mishaps. He couldn’t even put items he wanted on a shared shopping list for me to pick up and would then moan that his yoghurts for his lunch had run out!

I left after 6 months, met my new partner shortly after. 2 years later, I’ve bought my ex out of the house, new partner has just moved in and already does more than his fair share! Attraction is still strong and I’ve never looked back!

mbosnz Tue 15-Oct-19 13:21:04

YABU, you married him and it couldn't have come s a shock to you, unless you'd not spent any time with him.

So? She's fed up with it. She can UNmarry him.

WhoKnewBeefStew Tue 15-Oct-19 13:21:37

Can you imagine just how awful it would be for you if you ever had kids with this man.

YANBU, is cut my losses now. Oh and by the way, not all med are like this at all!

NotMaryWhitehouse Tue 15-Oct-19 13:21:45

@ncmarriedtoamanchild name change fail OP. What with this and his inability to stay awake, I think you know you've had enough of him.

madcatladyforever Tue 15-Oct-19 13:22:49

My ex was the same. Leave now. Don't waste 20 years of your life like I did.

breakfastpizza Tue 15-Oct-19 13:24:33

YANBU. He doesn't respect you. You are very young. Plenty of time to start over. flowers

AlexaAmbidextra Tue 15-Oct-19 13:25:06

DH is very successful career wise, no reason he cant use his brain at home.

Well, there’s your answer. He could do it but he doesn’t want to. Can’t be bothered as he doesn’t respect you or care how you feel. I’d get rid if I were you.

HouseworkAvoider10 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:26:35

You should divorce him.

I pity the next female who winds up with that dosser.

TheMustressMhor Tue 15-Oct-19 13:27:12

You don't fancy him sexually any more?

Definitely time for a divorce.

Too bad what other people and your family think. It's your life.

YANBU to be considering this.

nutbrownhare15 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:27:41

I'd try the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky with him. If it doesn't work, I'd divorce him.

walkintheparc Tue 15-Oct-19 13:30:13

This is what divorce is for. You're only 26, most people haven't met their life partners yet at this point. Get out and blame it on being too young to know better!

Benes Tue 15-Oct-19 13:31:22

He is choosing not not do housework and when he does he is engaging in strategic incompetence. He just doesn't think it's his job. Stop doing things for him! Don't do his washing, don't tidy up after him etc. While you continue to do everything he has no incentive to start contributing.

Anyone who can hold down a job is capable of understanding what it takes to run a house.

Not all men are like this. Only the lazy, misogynistic ones.

Hidingtonothing Tue 15-Oct-19 13:31:43

Your family's 'disappointment' is nothing compared to your long term happiness. However they react initially I'm sure they would not want you to have an unhappy life just so they're not disappointed flowers

dottiedodah Tue 15-Oct-19 13:32:02

At 26 you have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone new ! Many people marry young and get divorced .This isnt the 50s any more! I get that your family all love him, and probably feel you are "settled " so they dont have to worry about you.However they are not the ones married to him FFS! You met and married young and this often doesnt work out in all honesty .If you dont feel sexually attracted to him with no children and only in your 20s ,how will you feel when you are in your 30s or 40s ! Get divorced and have a bit of time travelling ,being single for a while then you can remarry when you are ready!

GeorgiaGirl52 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:33:19

Get out now. Establish your independence and then find a man who is already mature. DO NOT have children until you are satisfied with the relationship you have with a partner.

Whattodoabout Tue 15-Oct-19 13:33:57

Be pleased you don’t have children, it will make divorce much easier.

I really would be cutting your losses. You’re so young, it’s silly to be bogged down with someone who makes your life miserable.

katseyes7 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:34:38

Friends and family love him and say that no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'

No, they're not. They may love him but they don't have to live with him and put up with these shenanigans. He's not going to change. Unless you're willing to put up with babying him for another 50+ years, seriously think about whether you want to do that. l'm afraid l'd be walking. My ex husband was like that. l'd ask him to go and pay a bill because l was at work and they closed at 12. l'd get in from work, ask if he'd paid it, and he'd get all huffy and defensive and say "l'm going to do it now!" He was very intelligent and far from stupid. Just either couldn't be arsed or couldn't organise himself. l found out after we split up that he'd spent an evening/night with no electricity because he hadn't topped his key card up. lt never changes.

EstebanTheMagnificent Tue 15-Oct-19 13:35:42

YANBU. Do not have children with this man.

Drum2018 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:36:07

He is happy to have his little woman doing all his chores for him. Stop now. You are not his maid. If you think he would be willing to learn how to do washing, cooking etc then there may be a chance, but if his attitude is that it's all your responsibility, then bin him.

diddl Tue 15-Oct-19 13:36:24

"but surely there is more to life than this and there are better men out there."

Yes & yes!

Rather get divorced now than later as you know that nothing will change.

messolini9 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:36:38

'they are all the same'

Oh sure, another get-out-of-jail-free card from the "boys will be boys" deck.

It sounds exhausting & miserable, @ncmarriedtoamanchild. His lack of respect for you is revolting & I'm not surprised you don't want to shag him. If more women refused to take this shit, men would eventually realise they need to cut their lazy, misogynistic, irresponsible arseholery if they want to hang on to a good woman.

By this point, I'd give him a week to shape up, or ship out.
As you don't have kids the process won't be complicated ... & just imagine the JOY of your house staying clean once you've done it, nobody's clutter & crap all over the shop, & not having to take care of little man-baby's toothbrush-packing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 15-Oct-19 13:38:11

Absolutely walk away. In fact don't walk... run.

I'm serious. I thought from your first paragraph you must be about 50. You sound so worn down and fed up! Jesus Christ, 26? Get the hell out of there and for God's sake don't get pregnant.

You can do so much better than that. No, not all men are like that useless waste of space. He's not only a lazy manchild, he's actually showing you how little respect he has for you by letting you run around and sort everything out while he sits on his arse. Don't settle for being treated like a doormat. You're worth much more than that.

WatchingTheMoon Tue 15-Oct-19 13:38:49

You're 26! You should be out having fun, not stressing about a little overgrown baby who can't use a sponge.

Get rid of him before this is your life forever.

Sparkletastic Tue 15-Oct-19 13:39:01

Decent men don't treat their partners like this. Cut your losses. You are so young - plenty of time to find a good'un.

EssentialHummus Tue 15-Oct-19 13:39:12

Jeez, walk away before you have kids. It’ll get a million times worse after that.

This. Cut your losses OP.

GettingABitDesperateNow Tue 15-Oct-19 13:40:39

I know a couple of people who have got divorced relatively quickly and to be honest I admire them, it takes guts to admit you made a mistake and want something different.

I have said this before on here, I think laziness is a common reason for a divorce, it's just a massive 'fuck you' from your husband, I honestly dont understand how someone can be happy that their partner is cleaning up after them while they themselves are relaxing and have much more leisure time. It's not about the socks on the floor it's about a lack of respect and a lack of fairness or kindness.

You know you can never have children with this person as you will be a single parent and the resentment will grow that he is making your life harder.

Yes nobody is perfect but that's no excuse to put in 1 percent effort. And there are plenty of partners who share the load a lot closer to 50:50

To be honest he doesn't even sound like he is nice apart from being lazy - he gaslights you when you try and talk to him about it, and moans about your sex life

Mostly on these threads I advise to show him a list of jobs to show how much you each do and go for counselling if nothing changes etc but I'm not sure there is any point for you, you've already tried so hard to make it work, you've not got children and you're young enough to start again - I'd leave

kalinkafoxtrot45 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:41:40

He does well enough at work so he is choosing to be a useless twat at home. I had the same experience, OP. Which is why the man in question is an ex.

EdinburghFox Tue 15-Oct-19 13:41:59

The lack of equity is bad enough, but at least if he said he knew it was wrong and wanted to improve things..... but for him to maintain he is doing his fair share makes him sound either deluded or gaslighting.

@nutbrownhare15 just ordered that book on Amazon - it looks amazing!

Dljlr Tue 15-Oct-19 13:42:32

No kids? I'd be out of there today, or he would. Life is too short and he's a twat.

ThatMuppetShow Tue 15-Oct-19 13:42:40

basically he can't be arsed.

no man is perfect and 'they are all the same'. that's utter bollocks.
It is true that people have completely different standards, and your DH might be exactly the same if he was on his own. Should he change for you? That's debatable.
Do you have to put up with it? Only if you want to.

I recently left him to pack his own bag for our weekend away and he arrived with no toothbrush or change of clothes.
but that's not your problem, is it. He's not your child, you are not responsible.

The ball is entirely in your camp, if it's not a life you want, then yes, of course separate. It will only get worst if you ever have kids.

Spinderellacutituponetime Tue 15-Oct-19 13:43:45

They (men) are definitely not all the same! Makes me so cross to hear this. I couldn’t function without my husband, he’s great emotionally and practically and we share responsibilities of running a home. If you are not happy and can’t see things changing then leave. Life is too short to stay tied to a relationship that isn’t equal or joyful.

blackcat86 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:43:47

He sounds like a massive twat but you have committed to a marriage and whilst divorce is an option I do think that some couples counselling where you starkly lay this all out would be a good first step. When my marriage was in crisis I found couples counselling really helpful and although we chose to move forward, had our differences not been resolved I would have known I had done all i reasonably could and there were no routes left to explore.

Basil90 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:45:07

If having DC is important I would leave now

FizzyGreenWater Tue 15-Oct-19 13:45:12

I was anxiously scanning your post for a mention of DC. None.

And you're 26.


I hadn't even met my DH by the time I was 26. He's amazing... perhaps because by the time you've had a couple of longer relationships and aren't 20 any more, you know how to give the man-children a swerve.

The fact that he's successful at work tells you all you really need to know, you know. 'No reason he can't use his brain at home'... the reason is that he's a misogynist. It really is that simple. He doesn't consider respecting you and pulling his weight as a team to be the way it should work. In his head, the obvious, the 'right' thing is that you, the woman, pick up and mop up after him because he's important and a proper person and you aren't.

That REALLY is what misogyny of this type comes down to.

No, all men aren't like this. I made sure to pick one who wasn't. And I don't mean one who is 'trained' - I mean a person who considers that picking up crap off the floor and doing the dishes and remembering that we're out of soap and getting some is just what you do when you're a grown up.

So we have kids and he is an equal parent to them.

Move on now, you're REALLY young and if you go now you've got time to find a real partner. You're wasting time here.

HollowTalk Tue 15-Oct-19 13:45:41

26! Run as fast as you can away from this man. Never have children with him. Don't get old with him. Everything will always be just as it is now - in fact, it'll get worse.

You are at the prime of your life and you don't need to be saddled with someone like that.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully Tue 15-Oct-19 13:46:04

OP, I was you at your age. I met exDH when I was 17 and he was 27. I'm not proud. Got married when I was 24, lived together from me aged 19 to when I walked out aged 31. Thank god no children.

He tried to help but he was truly a man child. Had I been older, I would have noticed that aged 29, he still lived at home and we bought our house together - his FIRST ever house including rental!

You are young, you can be free. Luckily, as I did everything, he agreed to a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I paid for it (was uncontested and no solicitors) so cost less than £350. I made sure my work pension was not his to access using a clean break divorce.

I met DH a few months later. 2 lovely children and DH is so so different. Please go. Your DH will never change at his age.

DishingOutDone Tue 15-Oct-19 13:47:31

I'm 57. When I was 26 I married a man like the one you describe, almost to the finest detail re washing on a clothes horse etc. Nothing changed, things got a lot worse once we had 2 kids and I am now desperate to split up, 31 years on. Difference is when I was young many women bought into this "oh men what can you do tinkly laugh!" type shit. Even now when I tell my friends that he won't do housework DIY etc (now he's retired and I still work) you can see their faces drop as if to say "and so he shouldn't". Some of my friends take on all the DIY and gardening on top of housework, and work full time. I even have a friend who, when I say oh DH has got away with x y and z and won't help out, says to me "God loves a trier!" (as in someone who tries to get away with things). My Aunt used to tell me "Men need a lot of help". She'd be 103 if she was alive now. But these attitudes still prevail even in much younger people - it worries me sick that my DDs might unconsciously fall prey to a lazy fucker.

So you have more sense. Walk away whilst you are still young, this will NEVER change.

Youseethethingis Tue 15-Oct-19 13:47:52

Divorce. A marriage is supposed to be of two equal partners, not master and servant. Don’t waste your life being some idiot mans skivvy. Let him go find some other mug.

ThatMuppetShow Tue 15-Oct-19 13:48:04

No reason he can't use his brain at home'... the reason is that he's a misogynist. It really is that simple.

not necessarily. Some people genuinely don't care about house crap, who knows if he would be differently living alone?

Regardless, he's unlikely to change, the OP has a choice to make. Even a separation could make him realise the OP is serious.

Ellie56 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:48:43

Oh God you don't need this knobhead waste of space in your life.

All men are NOT the same. My DH has always pulled his weight round the house and my son with autism is more competent and thoughtful than him!

File for divorce and then run for the hllls!

AryaStarkWolf Tue 15-Oct-19 13:49:01

He has no respect for you and is a sexist slobby pig, thank the lord you don't have any children and move on while you're young!

Sceptre86 Tue 15-Oct-19 13:50:07

You are young enough to start again and meet someone more in tune with acting their age. Being in a sexless relationship at only 26 isn't great and if he is not likely to change there doesn't seem like much hope for your relationship.

There are men out there that are more capable, just don't enable this attitude and take over. My dh is a great dad and does as much for the kids as I do. He also does dishes, outs washing away, all DIY and gardening. The bulk of the housework zo do myself as I work part time and can fit it in. If we are both off he will clean while I cook and vice versa. I wouldn't be with a man who wasn't a partner to me. You don't need to divide all tasks 50:50 in a relationship but it goes a long way if you support each other and appreciate each other. I would not have kids with a man who doesn't pull his weight x

KatherineJaneway Tue 15-Oct-19 13:50:15

He's not going to change. Sounds like he moved out of home and in with you and expects you to be his Mum running round after him.

He can’t do DIY

Correction, he doesn't want to do DIY. That's also why he made a complete hash of the washing, so you stop asking him and do it yourself.

RatherBeRiding Tue 15-Oct-19 13:52:00

He won't change. My ex was exactly the same. He is now my ex for that very reason.

The relief when I only had myself to look after is indescribable. And I now have a lovely partner who takes pride in himself, his appearance and his home and his garden. So, no, they are NOT "all like that".

It boils down to can you live like this for ever? If the answer is no then sadly you must leave the relationship - because HE. WILL. NOT. CHANGE.

embarassednewname Tue 15-Oct-19 13:52:19

OMG GO!!! And do not have kids. I divorced after a year of marriage at 30 for similar reason i.e. lack of respect and expecting me to fulfil some second class role in our marriage. You made a mistake, life moves on. If you have kids, he will leave you to do EVERYTHING and it's so hard to divorce when you're sleeping 2 hours a night because you're taking care of a baby, taking care of the house and also try to keep your job. What happens is you stick around until kids are older, you realize you have been miserable for the last decade, the man you married doesn't even respect you. And even if you divorce then, you will be tied to him for life because of the kids!! LEAVE NOW

PrincessHoneysuckle Tue 15-Oct-19 13:52:50

You're only 26! I left an awful relationship at 32 and found someone way better.Lifes too short for that shit.

Crunchymum Tue 15-Oct-19 13:53:36

OP is early 30's in the other thread!

ThatMuppetShow Tue 15-Oct-19 13:54:28

I wouldn't turn that up into a men vs women thing - fist it implies that only women can be bothered to deal with petty housework chores, and I very strongly disagree with that!

There's a video of Katie Price showing her home at the moment, slobs can be female just as much as they can be male.

If you are not compatible, just run.

HeyNotInMyName Tue 15-Oct-19 13:54:46

I disagree about the OP having a teenager. Her DH is much worse.
My own dcs, with teens and boys, are able to put the washing to dry, do some cooking and tidy up behind themselves....

DameSquashalot Tue 15-Oct-19 13:55:45

I agree. Get out now. Things will never change. I wish I had listened when someone had warned me that I wouldn't be able to live with this type of behaviour.

HeyNotInMyName Tue 15-Oct-19 13:56:04

@Crunchymum, and???
I regularly change some details in my posts fir privacy issue.
A few years up or down isn’t going to change anything about her DH behaviour

Bollypears Tue 15-Oct-19 13:58:55

@Crunchymum People NC for privacy and to ensure they are not identified from the post....changing ages or other personal details slightly is to be expected, no?

AryaStarkWolf Tue 15-Oct-19 13:59:09

My Aunt used to tell me "Men need a lot of help".

The greatest trick they ever pulled was convincing people to believe this utter shite

BuildBuildings Tue 15-Oct-19 14:00:39

They aren't all the same so don't believe that crap. It's not that he can't engage with all of this domestic stuff it's that he won't. Because he thinks it's beneath him. He's showing a lack of respect for you and your time. I'm not surprised any sexual attraction is gone. I don't think he will change. Get out while you can.

drspouse Tue 15-Oct-19 14:00:52

£Some people genuinely don't care about house crap,*
He'd care pretty quickly if he was evicted due to not paying the bills.

upandawaytoday Tue 15-Oct-19 14:02:20

OP, I started reading your thread and thought how much my situation mirrors my own...until I got to the bit where you mention your ages and stage in life.

My DH is how you describe yours but older. We have a young child, are chronically sleep deprived and he has ongoing health problems - which all contributes to the situation with his poor organisation/lack of input on the house front - and we’re generally a bit jaded with life...

I would never say LTB but do ask yourself how DH makes you happy and what you get from the relationship. The next 10-15 years will most likely see structural changes to your life which can really test a relationship - are you prepared to go through the next stages in life together?

bookwormsforever Tue 15-Oct-19 14:03:38

@Winterriscoming @ncmarriedtoamanchild so you are the same poster. The sleeping issue would be enough for me.

Now you say he does no housework or cleaning and he's a lazy arse.

Dump him and run. You have plenty of life ahead of you and life is too short to be tied to a lazy useless manchild.

Hotseat Tue 15-Oct-19 14:04:16

Stop cooking for him. Stop doing laundry for him. Throw out or move to shed/garage he leaves lying around. "Where's my dinner" oh sorry you didn't say you wanted food. "Any clean socks" oh did you ask me to do laundry for you. Passive aggressive all the way. An indifferent lazy bastard is a libido assassin.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens Tue 15-Oct-19 14:05:51

Jesus. Can you imagine this being your life for the next 20, 30, 40, 50 years? Leave him and don't look back.

IamWaggingBrenda Tue 15-Oct-19 14:05:55

My sister is married to this type. He actually told me once he wants to be better at helping out, but he can’t see anything that needs cleaning/doing, etc. hmm She’s been married to him for 26 years, and the tension is constant and she is angry all the time, due to this very issue. I don’t usually see divorce as a go to, but in this case, I don’t think your DH will change. The fact that he changes briefly, then goes back to his usual ways is telling. He’s really not interested in changing and threats of divorce won’t really change him long term. He’ll do the same thing - short period of trying, then when he figures he’s got you to stay, he'll go right back to being a lazy slob.

FreeBedForFlys Tue 15-Oct-19 14:06:21

OMG. LTuselessB.

Icanflyhigh Tue 15-Oct-19 14:08:13

YANBU. He needs to grow up and stop expecting to be waited on hand and foot.

Move into a spare room if you have one, or better still move him into it, then keep your space just as you like it. Clear up your stuff, leave his. I appreciate what that does to your wellbeing I've been there, but without walking away now, this is the only way to make him realise.

MarkinTime Tue 15-Oct-19 14:08:35

Not everyone lives together prior to marriage. Shocker i know, but it's true.
OP. I doubt he is ever going to change for the better. Leaving is hard, but a life of drudgery is even harder, and that it what it will become from what you have written.
He then accuses you of being controlling when you pull him up on his behaviour, no sorry, if you stay you will end up hating him, your life and yourself for putting up with it.
You don't have children fortunately, because trust me, if he can't pull his weight now then he definitely wont when kids arrive, all that will happen is is that you will slide even further into drudgery.
Do yourself a favour and leave. Find someone who is a grown up, shows you the respect that you deserve, makes you want to rush home to him and who IS worth spending your life with.

Babynamechangerr Tue 15-Oct-19 14:09:34

Yes agree, divorce and do it now as you've still got time to find someone else to have kids with.

He won't change, this will get worse as you get older and have kids, he's had his chance to step up, but he's shown contempt for you by deciding his time is more important than yours, and that he's basically married a housekeeper.

You're at a crossroads in your life, don't take a path you'll probably regret for decades after.

madcatladyforever Tue 15-Oct-19 14:09:59

You are not a servant, a maid or his mother. What a misogynist pig. He seems to think you are all three and sex on tap too. What a chancer.

NurseButtercup Tue 15-Oct-19 14:10:28

So he's 35 now and being an arsehole, in 5 years time he'll be 40 and I can guarantee he will have some sort of mid life crisis. Your twenties are supposed to be the years you have fun, not being miserable because of a big man baby. Please don't waste any more of mental energy getting upset about his intentional ineptness. YANBU to leave and get a divorce.

BossAssBitch Tue 15-Oct-19 14:10:57


Not all men are like this. We have a cleaner but DH does all the lawn mowing, the bins, the hoovering in between the cleaner, he cooks for me sometimes, he has learnt to be good at DIY (when we moved in together he had never done any, now can turn his hand to most repairs. etc), sorts most of the bills and fundamentally, makes my life as easy as possible (he works from home, I have a long commute and work long hours). He never leaves his pants and socks on the floor and is tidy and organised. I do a lot for him too but we are a partnership, we both want to live in an orderly environment.

Life does not have to be spent with a chaotic, bumbling clown.

EastCoastDamsel Tue 15-Oct-19 14:12:13

It will only get worse once (if) you have any DC. 26 is still very young and you have options.

Tell him how you feel, consider counselling, but IMHO, you should get out now while you still can.

springcomeround Tue 15-Oct-19 14:13:34

OP - it’s perfectly possible for a couple to have different skill sets -. If one partner does nothing that’s a different story! Talk about it , have counselling or leave .

mummmy2017 Tue 15-Oct-19 14:17:43

Gets some post it note, stick notes for n everything.
Move this.
Clean this.
Shut this.
Plaster the house and see what he says.

TowelNumber42 Tue 15-Oct-19 14:20:52

Not all men are like this. No way.

Friends and family don't like agreeing with the suggestion that a marriage ends even when utterly vile things are happening.

Nobody else is suffering in this situation. Only you. Agreeing with you being smart to get out now makes others feel awkward so they mutter soothing nonsense instead.

Every time you clean up after him, wash a sock, pay a bill, etc that's him saying "Fuck you, be my skivvy, it's all you are worth."

It is easy to pretend he can't work out how to do washing and so you have to do it, or that you have to manage the bills because his ditsy little man brain can't handle it. He is old school sexist. No doubt that's why he hooked up with someone inappropriately young for him at the start. You didn't have the life experience to tell him to get to fuck. At some point you washed his pants for the first time, washed his dinner plate for him etc. I bet you thought it was fun playing house at first. Guys like this target young women for a reason. The older ones tell them to get to fuck. In years to come you will not put that first load of washing on for your new boyfriend until he's done one of yours and you'll not end up sticking with a man who has so little respect for you again.

SittingAround1 Tue 15-Oct-19 14:20:55

Whatever you do DO NOT have children with this man.
It would be 10 times worse.

PinkCrayon Tue 15-Oct-19 14:22:29

Leave, it will only get worse with kids.

Geppili Tue 15-Oct-19 14:22:37

Be free from this! Please.

redcarbluecar Tue 15-Oct-19 14:22:46

Divorce sounds as if it could be a good move. I think you’ve realised you’re not compatible.

Molly2017 Tue 15-Oct-19 14:24:15

Firstly, no one wants to be divorced at 26. I’m speaking from experience. I separated from my husband at 26 and the divorce came through when I was 28. Such a low point in my life and my family were ashamed as we had a massive wedding (funny now).
It took my years to face up to the fact I wasn’t happy and he wasn’t going to change.
But what I will say is, I’ve never regretted my decision.
I now am married for the second time and it’s so much better. We have 2 DC and he has a good job, does his share of the housework and is a kind person.
Think hard about spending more of your life with someone who does not make you happy.

Wonkybanana Tue 15-Oct-19 14:28:35

OP if you were 20 when you met, I bet he saw you as someone he could mould, get to do his bidding. He was a fair few years older and knew exactly what he wanted in a slave wife. I'm guessing he was all knight in shining armour, riding in on a white horse - or at least, flowers, expensive dinners out, generally treating you like a princess. (And does he still keep up that charming front when there's anyone else there, which is why your family love him?)

I think you've ben played, and it's time you re-wrote the rules of the game. Nobody should feel so miserable and worn down in a marriage. It's time to leave and find someone who will treat you as an equal.

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