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AIBU to ask for mature, sensible strategies for dealing with this?

(84 Posts)
Bythepool Tue 15-Oct-19 10:11:55

I can't quite believe I'm posting this. I have an issue which I don't know how to address.

I am not allowed to share good news with my SIL. She gets upset and blocks me on social media. Anything at all - buying our first flat, getting a new job, a promotion, moving abroad, even getting a new roof or adopting DDog confused she will block me for anything from a few hours to a few months, then start sending messages where we last left off as though nothing has happened. If a major life event has happened and it's not about her, her DC or her family, she doesn't want to know.

I usually like to tell people things face to face but as we live in a different country, digital communications have to do. I don't want to keep huge parts of my life to myself just because of geography. I can't trust DH to share any news as he will forget more often than not.

DH says to ignore it, he's spoken to his brother who says his DW just "gets funny" sometimes, so I suspect that there may be some mental health issues at play? Either way, I feel like I have to make an effort for the sake of family harmony.

A little while ago we announced a pregnancy, our first DC. I tried to send SIL a message about Christmas arrangements this morning only to find that I have, once again, been blocked. I don't know when this happened.

I am very hurt this time, if it transpires that I've been blocked for being pregnant. She has 2 DC of her own so I am baffled and angered by this ridiculous situation. I've been very weepy the last few days so I'm not sure if it's just hormones.

AIBU to ask what a sensible, mature, balanced response to this is? I can't quite believe that I've allowed it to go on for this long, but I am naturally adverse to any kind of conflict or confrontation.

Heatherjayne1972 Tue 15-Oct-19 16:53:40

I’d ignore her tbh
I’m guessing you have other fb friends who are pleased with your good news?
Post whatever you like. Ignore her drama

You’re giving this way too much headspace

longtompot Tue 15-Oct-19 16:43:49

Oh my word, that's a bit draining!

I would be inclined, especially after so many times being blocked by her, when she 'deigns to allow' you to speak to her again, for my first message to be why did you block me? If she says she finds the posts upsetting/make her jealous/whatever other feeling, then suggest she stops following you. I bet she won't. Sounds like she loves the drama of being the one to decide how your relationship goes.
If she does it again after you asking her about it, then she would be either hidden or removed. Lifes to short for that angst.

walkintheparc Tue 15-Oct-19 13:27:56

I'm feeling really down today, but maybe you and DP are right and I just need to shut up and back off

I would suggest this (in a kinder, milder way!)

Just thinking if I were her, it would annoy me if my brothers wife kept pinging me messages about all the great stuff happening in their life. If i was very insecure or anxious, perhaps the block button is just my quick 'eject' button to stop me from saying something spiteful, or feeling terrible about myself.

Bythepool Tue 15-Oct-19 13:02:24

To answer a few questions:

I am an only child so have a small family. I like the idea of a big, close family so don't want to be falling out or not talking to people. Especially with imminent baby, I wanted him to have cousins to visit and play with.

It's less about Facebook posts and more about direct messages. Things come up in conversation, and I think it would be weird to avoid a topic? Okay talking about moving abroad over social media wasn't the best idea but it came up and I didn't think it would be such a big deal as everyone knew we were thinking about it for a while anyway. We all work so it's difficult to arrange times when phone calls are convenient, much easier to ping a message when you have a minute and they reply when they have a minute.

I'm feeling really down today, but maybe you and DP are right and I just need to shut up and back off.

Butchyrestingface Tue 15-Oct-19 13:00:00

Can you block someone that's blocked you

Sadly no. You’d have to wait for them to unblock you.

I frequently occasionally unfollow people who are doing my heid in rather than take the more nuclear option. If someone defriends me, they’re not getting refriended if they subsequently send another request.

I do sometimes deactivate my account for a while. Am assuming this isn’t what’s happening here, @Bythepool? Does she send you a fresh friend request whenever these incidents happen?

walkintheparc Tue 15-Oct-19 12:59:44

People like this get away with being ridiculous because it's all online and a bit awkward to mention... which is exactly why the next time you are all face to face (e.g. surrounded by other family members) I'd say "Oh SIL.. i keep forgetting to ask, why do you keep blocking me and unblocking me on facebook?! You do it really frequently - i keep trying to send a message and find im blocked!! Is this a new thing the kids are doing, I can't keep up!" with a tone of humour and confusion.

Then never bother to send a message ever again.

8BumbleBee8 Tue 15-Oct-19 12:45:22

If you do not want to cut contact, when she unblocks you and re-engage with you just continue with where you left off last time, anyway as I was saying....etc
If She blocks and unblock you again just repeat the process.

Do not confront her about it because she is sending you a message and wants you to get it. Just act like normal as if you didn't get the message. Or you could simply cut contact with her, or maybe phone her instead. She may not have the guts to hang up the phone on you.

Theredjellybean Tue 15-Oct-19 12:42:52

It all sounds faintly ridiculous and immature.
Are you both quite young?
It's like fb is the new playground.. Only people can carry on behaving like silly squabbling children well into adulthood.

Why on earth the OP is bothered about this is beyond me.
I'd probably not notice if someone didn't respond to a message cus they'd blocked me.. Because I have rather more interesting things going on in real life.

Especially as in some cases the op says the block unblock was a few hours.. Really.. I don't get worried if someone hasn't replied to a message for a few hours.

op.. I'd stop worrying about your immature sil and fb and try getting on with real life

AryaStarkWolf Tue 15-Oct-19 12:40:23

She's your DH brothers wife, stop sharing stuff with her at all and share whatever you want through FB etc. It's her problem not yours. I'd probably unfriend her actually

Agedtoperfection Tue 15-Oct-19 12:36:35

Just stop bothering. Honestly, she sounds awful. Don't waste your energy.
This is the only response needed

NotSorry Tue 15-Oct-19 12:35:18

good post from Ce7913

MissDew Tue 15-Oct-19 12:34:33

If the OP had posted on Social Media: roof needs to be mended, can't afford it. Fed up with all these buckets half full of rain water around the house. It's freezing but the heat just goes through the roof because it's not water proof.

I bet the SIL would have uploaded a smiley face (just joking, of course) emoticon. Or would that have got the OP blocked as well ? Would the SIL have thought she was wanting sympathy or trying to pass the hat around to raise funds to fix the roof ?

MissDew Tue 15-Oct-19 12:30:59

* don't know why she pwuld be jealous of a new roof... If I knew someone who needed a new roof I would be thinking "oh no, poor you, what a nightmare".*

That would be my reaction, too. Most people would I suspect. However, all the OP's SIL sees is money being spent, thousands I suspect and home improvements being completed.

Remember, you can't argue/reason with stupid. Also, irrational jealousy is just that, irrational.

AlexaAmbidextra Tue 15-Oct-19 12:30:36

I’d just stop any interaction with her. When she gets in touch with you just don’t respond.

Rachelover60 Tue 15-Oct-19 12:20:36

Don't use social media. Tell people what you want them to know by letter or telephone.

Your sister in law sounds like a sad case and I feel sorry for her but at the same time, it isn't your problem.

Ce7913 Tue 15-Oct-19 12:17:34

The only mature response:

Stop opening yourself up to someone who has repeatedly proven to be entirely disinterested in and unsupportive of your happiness.

Stop chasing a relationship with someone who has continually shown that she resents your milestones and achievements.

Stop investing emotion and effort into someone who has given every indication that she would be quietly celebrating should some misfortune or calamity strike you or your family.

Stop exposing yourself and your children to someone who repeatedly cuts you off on a whim and without reason or explanation, then picks you back up again without even having the decency or respect to explain or apologise.

FavouriteSong Tue 15-Oct-19 12:09:33

I echo the other posters - block her, don't engage with her, communicate any news/make arrangements through her husband. She sounds like a drama queen, and it's just not worth your time fretting about it.

If she does contact you for a chat by any other means, keep it brief but friendly.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 15-Oct-19 12:07:43

Just stop bothering. Honestly, she sounds awful. Don't waste your energy.

ChikiTIKI Tue 15-Oct-19 12:05:15

I don't know why she pwuld be jealous of a new roof... If I knew someone who needed a new roof I would be thinking "oh no, poor you, what a nightmare".

It certainly is odd that she blocks you. I would let her eventually unblock me and then next time she sends a message say "oh, you unblocked me. Did I do something wrong?"

Passthewipes Tue 15-Oct-19 12:02:34

She clearly has a screw loose. Just block her and don't worry about sharing any news with her, she doesn't seem interested in your life so stop making the effort to stay in touch. I'm sure your DH will still speak to his brother.....if he then shares any news with her, that's up to him, and he can take the brunt of her weird reactions.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope all goes well for you xx

MrsFezziwig Tue 15-Oct-19 12:02:22

I’m going to take a slightly different view here. Although you’re right about her being silly, and it seems that it’s she rather than you that is causing the problem, I really can’t imagine informing my brother that I was either pregnant or leaving the country (both massive life events) via the medium of Facebook - wouldn’t you want to tell them in person before informing the world and his wife?

BarbaraStrozzi Tue 15-Oct-19 12:00:20

Agree with many others here - just block her. (Some sort of soft block if you want). Tell your DH what you've done, and let him know that if there's anything he wants/needs his brother to know about, it's his job to keep him in the loop.

Orangeblossom78 Tue 15-Oct-19 11:58:11

I left FB / social media due to this kind of rubbish with SILs etc and it is such a relief. Let your DH sort out any Christmas arrangements with his brother if needs be, just don't engage. And keep accounting your positive stuff, if you want to online, if she can't handle it that is her problem! She can choose not to see it by unfollowing or whatever. If she can't cope with someone else's good news, or be supportive well you don't need that in your life so you. Just focus on friends or supportive family members instead.

Sobeyondthehills Tue 15-Oct-19 11:57:56

There is no mature way to deal with this, on facebook you can unfollow people, mute them on messenger, and the other person will not know.

So blocking you is here way of letting you know, as facebook will tell you.

Next time, she unblocks you, just block her, you can't do it till they have unblocked you.

If you really dont want to do this, then put her on restricted view, she can't see anything on your facebook but she will just think you are not posting and stop talking to her, let your husband deal with it, if his family is anything like mine, news will soon get around

Yeahthatthing Tue 15-Oct-19 11:56:28

Set your FB posts to "all friends except SIL" so she doesn't see your updates. It's the only way.

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