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In-law situation

(83 Posts)
Kinikanas Mon 14-Oct-19 19:52:58

Dear all
I was wondering if I m being unreasonable.
My in laws are actually quite nice people but in the past few years they have done small stuff which, combined, has started ticking me off! I have a bit of an aversion towards them and was wondering if it is justified. Here a list:
- FIL is super stingy: he comes to our city once a month for work and stays over at our place but never thinks of inviting us out for dinner or anything
- when FIL comes once a month, he sometimes does not communicate what time and ends up showing up too early sometimes
- MIL forgot I m vegetarian for her birthday so I ended up having a slice of meat giving the rest to husband (didn t want to be rude on the spot). Next day I had indigestion which caused me a loud and long session in bathroom at their place (we stayed over because it is a 3 hr drive), as if I was not embarassed enough, when I got out, MIL asked in front of 10 brunch guests if there still is any toilet roll left in toilet.
- day after wedding FIL asked me twice when we re having babies
- once talking economy and politics and giving my opinion, FIL didn t let me finish my sentence and bashed my comment by saying „nonsense“!
- we are expecting a baby And while my friends and family shower us with gifts, parents in law have done nothing until my hisband felt embarassed and told them if they could also buy some things
- MIL bought cheap polyester baby Gloves (instead of cotton as we asked)
- MIL bought 3 baby clothes all of them saying „i love daddy“ none mentioning anything about mummy
- MIL commented „you look good, you are very full“ during my pregnancy
- They never get me anything for my birthdays, while my parents think about my husbad when it s his birthday, even if just a dinner...
- MIL is very gossipy about people I don t know (neighbors etc) and keeps on repeating the same stories every time I see her
- I ve been made redundant due to pregnancy (in Switzerland there s no protection unfortunately) and my mother was telling my FIL that it s no big deal, worst case I can stay home and care for baby 1-2 years and that she also stayed home for 2 years when she had me, his response was that both partners must work and contribute 50/50 financially because it is unfair to put all financial pressure on one person (notice the guy was a big shot himself at a bank and his wife was taken care of most of her life!)
- I m a mixed child, one of my parents comes from a third world country he had to flee in the 70s for political war reasons, my MIL was a Part time German teacher (when she worked). Once out of the blue she started complaining that she was approached by a volunteering organisation asking her to teach german to refugee families (as part of an integration program) once a week for a couple of hours since she s retired, she was saying: I can t believe they permitted themselves to bother me, I m retired I worked all my life and I want to enjoy it now.... I am so annoyed at this organisation (PS she never had to work hard, only did part time teaching)
- FIL asked us if we want to go to their place for his birthday and I answered that I have a friend visiting from the UK that weekend and that we planned it long ago (shey got her flight ticket and all), he seemed quite pissed off

There are a few more points that I probably missed but I guess this gives you a gist of the situation... am I being ureasonable for not being able to really like them? confused

Thank you

Bucatini Mon 14-Oct-19 19:58:20

They do sound a bit irritating, but nothing deal breaking. So it depends what your AIBU is. YANBU to find them annoying but YABU to reduce contact with them. Just practise your 'smile and nod' face.

Kinikanas Mon 14-Oct-19 20:13:21

Thanks! 👍🏽

CAG12 Mon 14-Oct-19 20:13:29

Tbh you sound a tiny bit sensitive.

Also, you asked for presents for your baby? Then complained when the presents they got you werent good enough? Are you serious?

Namechangeforthiscancershit Mon 14-Oct-19 20:16:04

I wouldn't worry about any of that. Some niggles but doesn't everyone have those?

Witchinaditch Mon 14-Oct-19 20:20:42

Sounds like you can’t stand them and so everything they do or say annoys you. Some of the stuff was valid most is mildly annoying at best.

Aria2015 Mon 14-Oct-19 20:20:55

Most of those are minor irritations at best and the stuff about gifts is kind of cheeky. Some people don't like to give give gifts until a baby is actually here too which is something to consider. Thing is, they're your dh's family. Its important for him that you all stay on good terms. I don't see any dealbreakers there tbh. There are things that irritate me about my in-laws but I force myself to focus on the good rather than bad. Ruminating on the little things will just get you down. They're different, they have different views and values to you but they raised your dh who I assume you love so they can't be all bad.

makingmammaries Mon 14-Oct-19 20:22:42

Quite a lot of that sounds like ‘annoying things that lots of older Swiss people do’. OP, were you raised somewhere else? If your backgrounds are different you’ll have to cut them some slack.

PowerslidePanda Mon 14-Oct-19 20:23:13

Some of your points are fair, others are really quite insignificant. You'll encounter very few people in life who don't say or do something that rubs you up the wrong way from time to time - I expect your PIL could point to a few times you've done it, that probably didn't even register with you! But keeping a long mental list of such grievances won't do anything to help your relationship - don't sweat the small stuff!

Kinikanas Mon 14-Oct-19 20:23:38

True
I almost feel like I WANT to be crossed at them for those little things for some reason. MIL is especially annoying, I m not sure if she plays dumb when she makes out of place comments or if she actually does not think. I guess I should stop comparing them to my own parents and how giving and easy to read they are (I guess I was lucky to have them as my parents but they set the standard high)

user1493413286 Mon 14-Oct-19 20:25:27

Some of that I think is rude like your father in law when he stays, forgetting you’re a vegetarian and not giving you presents but I think some of it is just their personalities. It’s ok not to like them; they sound irritating in a way that they probably don’t even realise.
We can’t always like our in laws unfortunately

Cryalot2 Mon 14-Oct-19 20:26:15

I got on pretty well with late mil but she ignored my big birthday yet made a huge fuss and send a massive boquette to sil for same . I felt it, so can understand.
We marry our dhs and sadly their families may be a mixed bunch and not as nice as them.
No two families do things the same .

Raphael34 Mon 14-Oct-19 20:30:41

I think you sound very petty op...

TheNumberOneSourceOfEverything Mon 14-Oct-19 20:35:22

Some of those things sound annoying on there part but some of them sound like you were maybe a bit pushy.

Like dh telling his parents they have to buy things for the baby and complaining that what they do buy isn't good enough: a gift is supposed to be just that. A gift. It's not a gift if you tell someone they have to buy it and what it has to be.

If gloves have to be specific and made from a material that you both want, you'd be better off buying it yourself. Gifts aren't a gift if they aren't offered, nobody bought me anything when I was pregnant, my mother asked if there was anything needed after the baby was born, my dad didn't give me anything but I wouldn't have dreamt of telling him he had to buy something.

If your husband and you are happy with him being the sole money earner with you taking doing bulk of childcare then it's up to you and your dh how you choose to split your family needs.

You may find you'd rather be working and your husband may want to be a stay at home parent. Or you both may want/need to work. Doesn't matter what his Dad wants. It's what your dh and your want that matters .

hormonesorDHbeingadick Mon 14-Oct-19 20:37:47

until my hisband felt embarassed and told them if they could also buy some things shock

CalmdownJanet Mon 14-Oct-19 20:40:47

Ok I'll go point for point too, just because I am waiting on dd to sleep grin

-That's not stingy, it's once a month and he is your fil. I absolutely would not expect anything for this
- He arrives early, it wouldn't bother me but surely a simple "Any chance you could let us know in the morning roughly you'll arrive in the evening please" would sort this out
- Seriously if you are vegetarian you just should have not eaten the meat, not eating it is not rude, you can say it nicely. The toilet roll in front of guests comment was rude.
- People do this all the time but yes it is irritating, the fact you remember both times on the same day though leads me to believe it isn't constant and maybe a misguided joke since you had just been married
- Meh, not nice but a once off so I couldn't get worked up about it
- Grabby mcgrabberson on your parts
- Precious & ungrateful
- It's her son, get your ever so generous family to buy all the things that say "mammy" on them
-This is just different families doing things differently. My parents give to dh, his don't to me unless a big birthday, I have only just realised this now, doesn't bother me but then none of us are extravagant gift givers so maybe it would be more obvious if we were
- She said you looked good, I'm not sure what she meant by full (blooming maybe) but she clearly meant it as a compliment
- She may just be trying to make an effort to make conversation though I see it may be mildy annoying
- I honestly don't see the issue here, I don't think she made the connection between your father and this organisation. It seems it was a general annoyance at not wanting to volunteer, it's not personal
- Again a non issue, he "seemed" pissed off, so he didn't say anything? You are just guessing?

I think overall you just don't like them much and little things annoy you more because of that

MumsyMum31 Mon 14-Oct-19 20:40:49

Wait until baby arrives!!! It all changes then and prob not for the better but you need to cut a bit of contact and smile and nod but set your boundaries now! MIL bought clothes for my DS when I said we had enough and I didn’t like her taste I fatefully accepted but they were given to charity I sometimes put something on baby just to visit ILs but dont upset yourself, set the boundaries!!

HundredMilesAnHour Mon 14-Oct-19 20:46:32

You sound a bit over-sensitive and a little princessy with the demands for mealsand for baby gifts and then criticising the gifts they bought. And of course you find your own parents easier to read. They're YOUR parents.

I don't understand why you ate meat when you're a vegetarian? There must have been something else you could eat and why didn't you just smile and say "you must have forgotten I'm vegetarian"?

PositiveVibez Mon 14-Oct-19 20:51:35

So you don't like your in-laws. Sounds like anything they say or do would piss you off.

Just keep contact to a minimum.

Nothing you have listed sounds too bad tbh. Irritating -yes, malicious or cruel - not really.

Purpleartichoke Mon 14-Oct-19 20:51:47

Those really just seem like minor personality differences.

If you have told someone you are a vegetarian and they forget and serve you meat, you don’t have to eat it to be polite. Just eat around it and remind her quietly when you get a chance.

CharityConundrum Mon 14-Oct-19 21:43:51

It's a few things over a few years - I really think you are making more of it by dwelling on them. Your FIL interrupting you on one occasion, your MIL not wanting to be approached to volunteer for a charity that you hold dear, your FIL possibly being disappointed that you booked something on his birthday - these are all just things that happen and there's no point mulling them over. If they are generally pleasant and you enjoy their company enough to spend a reasonable amount of time with them, then just try not to think about this stuff and focus on the positives. I bet you can think of some times they have done nice things or said something kind that you appreciated - focus on those.

Kinikanas Tue 15-Oct-19 05:24:21

Thanks for the answer all!
Just for clarification, we are not trying to be grabby really.
Background: my parents are just so available and happy to help that when I told them they don t need to worry or be concerned so much and take example from in laws and go enjoy retirement and go on holiday travel the world, my parents were like: we are now happy to be grandparents and prefer being here for you guys in case you need us (childcare in switzerland is half of one salary). MIL openly said that she s not up for it which I find fair enough as she s done her part with her children. I m just worried there will be a massive imbalance like this: my parents sacrficing too luch and PILs just not even caring at all!
Also stingy FIL is not only because of the once a month finner thing, I was brought up that it is good manners to do something when I m a guest. When we stay over ar PILs for weekend I always invite them out for dinner! I mean he is a guest who comes over for work (so uses our place here like a hotel): I have to put effort as in wash, cook etc for him. Not being grabby, just think would be nice if once he told us/me that I don t need to cook and maybe have initiative on that part (bring something). He s generally stingy one other example is that whenever we do go out for dinner when he stays over (i told DH that I can t cook for guests during the week always as my job was pretty demanding with working hours etc), when bill comes he puts his hands behind his head (actually does that!!!). Another time he invited us out for a concert (what i thought to be a birthday gift for DH) and at end of evening he asked for our share of the money back.... i was so embarassed!
Generally I find FIL petty and MIL selfish and not too bright which makes me WANT to not like them. And I feel guilty for actually wanting to not like them for those negative traits that my parents did not have bearconfused

FridalovesDiego Tue 15-Oct-19 05:49:22

Your update makes you sound far worse than your ILs. You sing your parent's praises. (For what..?) and call your MIL not very bright. You sound really unpleasant.

NoSauce Tue 15-Oct-19 06:01:37

What does your husband say/think?

If you’re a vegetarian why did you eat the meat?

To me it sounds like you’re picking at every single thing they do. None of it is really bad imo. Everyone has annoying traits OP, I bet if you’re H was honest he could make a whole list on your parents too.

These feelings aren’t good for your well being. Try to let them go before you turn bitter and twisted.

Kinikanas Tue 15-Oct-19 06:06:27

Thanks Diego
I guess I am an unpleasant bitch then grin

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