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Who should I punch - DH or MIL....or both???

(122 Posts)
Usernamewillautodestrustin Mon 14-Oct-19 16:50:03

Long running issues with MIL. She is manipulative, controlling and annoying. She likes to try and offend me without it looking like she is offending to anyone (if that makes sense).

Anyway...we had her over for lunch yesterday. She cooks and brings it with her. No matter how many times I tell her I am happy to cook she puts on an offended look as if I have slapped her and says 'her son deserves a break'. I don't get this because DH never cooks but I ignore it and move on.

Cue the insults - oh I see you didn't have time to clean....didn't mummy do your hair (to my 5 yeah old DD), looks at me and says 'Oh you look tired'...but the worse one was my DH saying that our youngest DD is starting to really look like me. She looks at DD, looks at me and says 'Well hopefully her looks will come in soon - they change so much at this age'.

DH carried on doing what he was doing and I felt an overwhelming need to punch her, I didn't but I did look at my youngest DD and say 'well I hope you don't change, because you are beautiful'. Then I gave MIL a look and walked in to the other room.

Why oh why is she such a bitch???

Ceebs85 Mon 14-Oct-19 18:36:39

Eugh, sounds like she wants to marry him envy (not envy)

Smelborp Mon 14-Oct-19 18:37:15

She basically implied your DD is plain / ugly in front of the child. She doesn’t adore your children as she’s quite happy to insult them if it means she can get a dig in at you.

RandomMess Mon 14-Oct-19 18:38:06

Would you really trust her to not be nasty about you to DD whilst you weren't there?

Honeyroar Mon 14-Oct-19 18:41:15

Telling a little girl that hopefully her looks will improve is not something you do to a child that you adore! You massively need to put your foot down. If she's rude she leaves, and DH backs you up. Otherwise what's the point of a husband who lets you get insulted time after time?

Michellelovesizzy Mon 14-Oct-19 18:42:28

Hahahah..... i would have just said fuck off u bitter old cunt. Dont talk shit in my house. Now take ur horrible food and ur son with no back bone and do 1..... lol but i am a bitch so this might not work 4 u.

Jellybeansincognito Mon 14-Oct-19 18:57:24

Id simple just snap and say right- every time you come here you disrespect me and now you’re disrespecting me in front of my children.
Please get out of my house, you’re no longer welcome.

My Dh would get a firm telling too- you’ve had ample opportunity to sort her foul behaviour, you chose not to, so from now on she’s not welcome in my home or around my children without me present.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel Mon 14-Oct-19 18:59:14

When she says she is bringing lunch because DH needs a rest, I would have instantly challenged that and said "What do you mean, he never cooks and is completely useless round the house, mind you I blame his parents" and walked away from her. Challenge her EVERYTIME and tell her directly if she cannot keep a civil tongue in her head she will no longer be welcome in your house.

billy1966 Mon 14-Oct-19 19:05:29

OP, you sound like a nice woman however, you need to give your head a good shake.

Your husband knows bloody well what's being said but is taking the easy way out by not hearing most of it.

He is not loyal and does not have your back or your children's.

Clearly the "giving DS a break" is a crack at your cooking.

She has absolutely insulted your DD's looks.
How would you allow her to say that?

She can't care about her GC to be so vicious with your DD.

Whatever about not standing up for yourself, you really should have your child's back.

I would go through her for a short cut in your place.

Your husband needs to be read the riot act.

Tell him to visit his mother at her house on his own if he wants to see her.

I wouldn't allow my children to visit someone who would feel the need to insult my child's appearance.

Your husband is not taking this seriously, because you aren't.

Make his life a lot less comfortable.

I couldn't be with a man who wasn't loyal to me and our children.

Ated Mon 14-Oct-19 19:18:45

Put powdered laxatives in her tea or coffee each time she turns up and look surprised and upset that she's ill.

simplekindoflife Mon 14-Oct-19 19:22:39

Pull her up on it. Every. Single. Time.

"My son deserves a break'.
You mean give me a break! DH never cooks!

"oh I see you didn't have time to clean"
I did! Do you think the house is too messy?! Who made you the cleaning police!

"didn't mummy do your hair"
Yes! Don't you like her hair mil? I think she looks lovely!

"Oh you look tired'
How funny, I was going to say the same to you! Maybe we're both coming down with something. Have you had your flu jab? Can't be too careful at your age.

"Well hopefully her looks will come in soon - they change so much at this age"
What? I'm not sure if you're saying I'm ugly or my baby's ugly! Or both?! What do you think DH?!

Say it all with a tinkly laugh to soften the awkwardness if you like, but do not let this rudeness slide.

Crankybitch Mon 14-Oct-19 19:30:59

When she arrives next time take both kids out saying granny was rude last time so we are going out kids - daddy is spending the day with his and leave - don’t come back until she has gone.

leomama81 Mon 14-Oct-19 19:34:35

She is awful to you OP but worse - she has told your young daughter that she doesn't have good looks. That is serious - these things will get into your child's head. I was "teased" by a close relative about being chubby at that age and I went on to develop an eating disorder. I would be telling her she wouldn't be coming near the children again if she couldn't control her nastiness.

Windydaysuponus Mon 14-Oct-19 19:40:02

Your dc should not be around her being so disrespectful of their dm.
Your dh needs to grow a pair.
I would - and have - gone out and taken dc with me. Leave dh to put up with her..
No way should she be allowed under your roof with her behaviour...

NearlyGranny Mon 14-Oct-19 19:42:05

Discuss a strategy with DH. Alert him that whenever you ask her to repeat a remark, he needs to tune in and listen because this is code for "She's just been really rude." Kick him under the table if need be. Then when she repeats it, if she dares, one or other of you says, "Wow, that sounds really rude!" No need to say anything more; if both of you are united in a raised-eyebrow shocked state in stereo, she will reconsider.

Don't let her get you on your own, but if she manages, use the technique the moment he's there too.

In time, the DC could even join in. All you're doing is asking her to repeat something she's already said and expressing mild shock, not anger.

There's no zing in the repeat, just the inner nastiness exposed to the air.

If it gets tiresome, stagger her visits further and further apart until it's once or twice a year.

The two of you can do this if you work as a team!

Rock4please Mon 14-Oct-19 19:48:03

Please don't criticise MIL to your DC or make sarcastic remarks in their presence. This is not the sort of behaviour pattern you want to display or encourage.

Instead, I recommend that you invite her out for lunch, or a cup of tea or similar, and ask her in a pleasant and direct way what her problem is. Tell her that she is upsetting you to the extent that you are not sure that you want much, if any, relationship going forward, and see what the response is. She sounds a bit of a bully and the way to effectively deal with bullies is not to run away but to stand up to them.

Peachez Mon 14-Oct-19 20:03:03

Why is she such a bitch? Because you allow it. I too have one of the MILs, or had. Divorcing her 'precious boy' levelled the playing field.

Don't allow this. When she starts with the 'did mummy brush your hair today' borax you simply get her coat for her and point her at the front door. She gets the message and so does your DH. Then you eat the food and play with the kids. Simple.

BrokenWing Mon 14-Oct-19 20:05:29

Forget having a strategy with dh. Either tell her straight, or if you don't feel up, or if it will come better from him, tell dh to tell her - it is clear she doesn't like you, and the feeling is now mutual, you will not put up with it in your home anymore and if she continues she will no longer be welcome in your home. Her choice. You don't expect to be friends, but you expect her to be civil with no rudeness and you will in return not be rude to her.

If she chooses to see dh outside your home instead, then make it clear the first time you hear from your dd's "why doesn't granny like mum" will be the last time they visit.

Teach your dd that they don't need to put up with people acting like this.

Cherrysoup Mon 14-Oct-19 20:15:03

Straight after one of her rude comments, I’d be saying ‘Maybe granny will improve her manners then she can another visit here”. Nice and threatening.

As for your dh being obvious, bollocks! He just doesn’t want to take sides, of course he notices, he’s not deaf or stupid, is he? He needs to be far more on board.

TuttiFrutti Mon 14-Oct-19 20:23:27

OP, I had a MIL exactly like this. She would constantly make passive aggressive comments, and when I stood up to her she would start crying. I put up with it for years, was usually in tears when I left their house because of the repeated insults and undermining.

My dh, exactly liike yours, chose not to see it. She made her worst comments when he was out of the room. But any he did hear, he would say "Oh I'm sure she didn't mean it like that".

I eventually had counselling and it changed my view of the situation. The counsellor said my MIL was a deeply unhappy person, probably damaged by her childhood, and was incapable of having adult-to-adult relationships. She had to act the bossy parent and treat you and dh like children (hence why she is cooking the meals, and telling you how your house should be cleaned). If you stand up to her sufficiently so she realises her act is not working, she will revert to being the child in the relationship - so will have a toddler tantrum and start crying.

The only way you can deal with this is to set up boundaries. You will not change her. Just set time limits on when you are prepared to see her, and I agree with previous posters, challenge her every time she is rude. She is very, very threatened by you and extremely jealous, because you have the adult-to-adult relationship with her son which she wanted.

LovePoppy Mon 14-Oct-19 21:00:41

I really don't mind her coming here. She is a bitch to me but she adores the girls. I already have plan with my family the next time she is due to come and I am taking the baby so I won't have to see her.

Somebody who adores your children doesn’t tell them she hopes that looks

She’s a bitch

Also, she drives five hours with lunch so that your husband doesn’t have to cook? She is so far beyond passive aggressive that she’s straight up aggressive

YobaOljazUwaque Mon 14-Oct-19 21:55:59

But I have told him that I will be making plans on the days she is coming in future

this is where that my son deserves a break comes from. She has been deliberately needling you with the aim of getting you to vacate the premises and give her solo time with her son and grandchildren, so she has been preparing for the day you snap and leave them to it right from the start.

I am not sure it is wise to give her what she wants - with you out of the way it won't be so much drip drip of poison as outright character assassination as soon as you are elsewhere.

Has anyone said "you have a DH problem" yet on this thread? DH needs to start telling his mum to watch what she says about the woman he loves. He should practice before he next sees her. Tolerating her insults just because you are out of the building is not on.

Tp93 Mon 14-Oct-19 22:38:19

My fil does this too. 🙄 "you look tired" hmm well I have a 2 year old and am 9 months pregnant
"you look pale" great! I love looking like I'm dead thanks for pointing it out!
"You look big" I'm pregnant and still skinnier than you!
More examples but too many to choose from! Im too polite to actually say that to fil. I told my dh who said to ignore but next time he says something stupid I will go off on fil and dh 😂

Ce7913 Tue 15-Oct-19 01:05:02

You need DWIL Nation in the worst way.

Why do you tolerate being treated this way?

Do you think it's good for your daughter to hear her mother and home being constantly trashed and undermined, and see her father do essentially nothing about it?

How was MIL able to sit there and insult your five year old daughter's looks to her face and not get told to leave?

MIL is passive aggressive, manipulative and hateful, and she clearly has nothing but contempt for you, and for your marriage.

You don't have to expose yourself or your child to someone who abuses and disrespects you just because they share DNA with your husband.

Pixxie7 Tue 15-Oct-19 03:13:08

Sounds narcissistic if she is she won’t change, so walk away before she can cause too much lasting damage.

Durgasarrow Tue 15-Oct-19 04:01:17

I would not treat a comment like that as a joke, and I would not treat it as a valid underpinnings. I would stop all conversation in its tracks to deal with it in a calm and sober manner.
"Making mean-spirited insults to a child is a choice you don't have to make. I expect you to make better choices in the future."

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