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Who should I punch - DH or MIL....or both???

(122 Posts)
Usernamewillautodestrustin Mon 14-Oct-19 16:50:03

Long running issues with MIL. She is manipulative, controlling and annoying. She likes to try and offend me without it looking like she is offending to anyone (if that makes sense).

Anyway...we had her over for lunch yesterday. She cooks and brings it with her. No matter how many times I tell her I am happy to cook she puts on an offended look as if I have slapped her and says 'her son deserves a break'. I don't get this because DH never cooks but I ignore it and move on.

Cue the insults - oh I see you didn't have time to clean....didn't mummy do your hair (to my 5 yeah old DD), looks at me and says 'Oh you look tired'...but the worse one was my DH saying that our youngest DD is starting to really look like me. She looks at DD, looks at me and says 'Well hopefully her looks will come in soon - they change so much at this age'.

DH carried on doing what he was doing and I felt an overwhelming need to punch her, I didn't but I did look at my youngest DD and say 'well I hope you don't change, because you are beautiful'. Then I gave MIL a look and walked in to the other room.

Why oh why is she such a bitch???

99BehaviourProblems Mon 14-Oct-19 17:42:05

@MirandaGoshawk that’s lovely. And it shows people can change, like both our MILs did. I forgot to add in my post that with every phone call or text I would still be really sweet even if I found it unbearable. I found with my MIL that it was best not to give her ammunition such as “DIL has been rude/disrespectful” and just to be kind, loving etc. That being said, you’ll see from my post that we did cut back on contact, which I think did the trick!

myolivetree Mon 14-Oct-19 17:42:26

God I know the type....( massive bloody sigh) you need to put your foot down NOW.

Don't rely on OH he probably won't notice half the time as he's heard this sort of shit all his life.

I'm not suggesting all out war or massive shouting confrontation. I prefer to keep it peaceful and my carbon copy MIL loves the kids. But politely assertively straight back at her.

Eg Did you mean to be so rude ( and smile )

Eg To give him a break - Oh Thanks , we'll keep that for later, He never cooks but luckily he loves mine ( massive smile looking directly at her)

A direct look and no that's not right ( and smile) as you put her straight.

You have to politely push right back. What I have found with my MIL is she will push it as far as you let her. Give her an inch and she will take a mile.

After a few years I put my foot down and she knows her boundaries. Pathetic really.

justasking111 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:42:45

When my DS was very young and we had to deal with a difficult granny who would not turn up on the day because of some perceived slight. He turned around to her and said "Are you better nana" She asked why he thought she had been ill he replied "Because mummy said you were sick in the head" I wish I had a camera at that moment. Priceless bulldog sucking on a lemon expression on nana face.

PrestonNotHeston Mon 14-Oct-19 17:43:03

Whenever she says something rude, squint at her and say, 'Sorry, I didn't catch that - did you just say you "hoped Jemima's looks will come in soon"?' Make her repeat every bitchy comment so your DH can hear, especially if she deliberately said it out of his earshot.

loulou0987 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:43:10

My mil is the queen of offended Me while looking like butter wouldn’t melt!
I put up with it for years and now I make other plans when any visits occur. There will never be a relationship there so I let DH get on with it and preserve what relationship he has with her.

Drabarni Mon 14-Oct-19 17:45:29

Go out and take the kids with you, she'll soon learn how to be nice if she can't see them.
Some mil don't deserve nice dil's.

Mine is wonderful, but I worship the ground she walks on grin

Nat6999 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:49:09

If she had done to me what she has done today, I would be ready to break her fingers to stop her doing it again. Could you report her to HR, this is happening on work premises & they may be able to sort this out for you.

Nat6999 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:50:09

Sorry don't know what happened, this has appeared on wrong thread.

readingismycardio Mon 14-Oct-19 17:50:53

You should punch both - obviously jokinggrin

Pretty much same situation with MIL except we don't have any children yet. I stopped tolerating her (actually this was one of the reasons I went to therapy- to be more assertive) and I started imposing boundaries.
For example: she wanted to be called at least once a week to talk to at me for one hour. I told her this is not normal behaviour and I don't have time for it. When i went up to a size 10 from size 8 and both MIL and FIL commented repeatedly about my weight I told them they're being rude and I won't discuss my weight with them.

You need to be assertive, sooner rather than later and get DH on board. And remember: he's not your babysitter. You need to say what's bothering you, with your own mouth.

sylviemc Mon 14-Oct-19 17:53:12

lol i am so sorry for you coping with this - it is horrible, my ex left me to his mothers insults, note the ex status too lol. She tried it on with my sons badly once we split but actually they were tremendously loyal to me and didn't allow her to get away with it either, even though she was good to them. MY second husband never lets anyone dis me but mostly they don't because i have enough self respect to not enable it. I think call her out on it by playing her game back against her might make you as bad as her on one level, but refuse to have her in your house until she sorts out her act would be a good idea. My ex mother in law eventually about 10 years later apologised to me and came to my second wedding, pleased i had found happiness again - you can be surprised what happens in life sometimes. I was actually sad when she died

Didkdt Mon 14-Oct-19 17:53:16

Your daughters need to see you strong, and that isn't disappearing off when Grandma comes to tea.
Your DH needs to show that he supports you. He chose his wife not his mother, he can't help being cast with her but he made a conscious choice to marry you and make you the mother of his children.
He has probably been indoctrinated not to notice or be offended by tone or words that she uses that will have come from yours of enduring her, so remind him or show him that it's not OK, use the examples above.

You are right she listens to him, and unless the roar to back off comes from him, she will kid herself that he thinks it's ok or acceptable for her to be like that to you.
Do stand up for yourself if need be, but he needs to tell her that she needs to think about what she says from now on because unkindness is not what he wants the children to see in their own home

loobylou10 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:55:53

Next time she does it, ask her to repeat herself 'sorry, MIL, what did you just say?' 'What do you mean? I don't understand?'
People don't like to repeat their insults - try it, it works.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 17:59:22

You and DH sound pretty together on this even if he does avoid speaking to her. Just watch out, she sounds like she is being quite mean to the kids and putting you down in front of them.

My MIL and SIL are awful, however I just jollied along and made light of it until DP decided to separate and they came full force on me. They had access to our DS without me being there and suddenly turned from annoying into full on manipulators - honestly I think they were trying to discredit me and take my child. I’d protect yourself a bit more!

Boysey45 Mon 14-Oct-19 18:00:47

You've got an issue with your husband here being spineless and not supporting you. He will understand that shes being a bitch but chooses to do nothing about it. Basically because its easier for him not to challenge her.
I'd be telling him to tell her and support me or I was going to split up with him.
Its him that's the issue.

myolivetree Mon 14-Oct-19 18:01:23

*Next time she does it, ask her to repeat herself 'sorry, MIL, what did you just say?' 'What do you mean? I don't understand?'
People don't like to repeat their insults - try it, it works.*

Omg genius.

mummmy2017 Mon 14-Oct-19 18:05:13

The old classic, did you mean to be so rude!
Works well as a sign to your DH.

butterybiscuitbasic Mon 14-Oct-19 18:16:00

You need to pull her up every time. You can do it lightly, or fuck it - play her at her own game and burst into sobs, but so something that will highlight to dh just how often she does it. Just say things like “ouch” and meow- if you don’t want to be very confrontational.

mrsbface Mon 14-Oct-19 18:18:52

You have two fists for a reason..

HeyNotInMyName Mon 14-Oct-19 18:19:44

she lives a 5 hour round trip away from us and I wouldn't expect my DH to travel there on his own with a 10 month and 5 year old.
Why? Maybe if the consequence is painful enough for him, he will start to be a bit more careful.

I wouldn’t retaliate either but I would make a point of pulling her on it. For the sake of your dcs and as a clear reminder for your DH ‘who can’t see the comments’

HeyNotInMyName Mon 14-Oct-19 18:20:53

And YY your DH is spineless.

SchadenfreudePersonified Mon 14-Oct-19 18:22:48

On the occasions I have retaliated and been forceful with her she has started crying

TEARS!

The last refuge of a bully . . .

SchadenfreudePersonified Mon 14-Oct-19 18:24:51

She is a bitch to me but she adores the girls

Nor would she make comments implying your DD is plain. Your DD is old enough to pick up on this.

EKGEMS Mon 14-Oct-19 18:27:44

Seriously? Fight back and tell that Komodo-dragon-in-a-dress to go look in the mirror she's no oil painting herself!

SchadenfreudePersonified Mon 14-Oct-19 18:29:27

"Oh, girls!

Aren't we lucky that your lovely daddy doesn't take after Nana!"

EileenAlanna Mon 14-Oct-19 18:29:58

Tell her 5 hours is an awful long way to travel just to insult people in their own homes & does she not have someone more local that would do just as well?

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