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Who should I punch - DH or MIL....or both???

(122 Posts)
Usernamewillautodestrustin Mon 14-Oct-19 16:50:03

Long running issues with MIL. She is manipulative, controlling and annoying. She likes to try and offend me without it looking like she is offending to anyone (if that makes sense).

Anyway...we had her over for lunch yesterday. She cooks and brings it with her. No matter how many times I tell her I am happy to cook she puts on an offended look as if I have slapped her and says 'her son deserves a break'. I don't get this because DH never cooks but I ignore it and move on.

Cue the insults - oh I see you didn't have time to clean....didn't mummy do your hair (to my 5 yeah old DD), looks at me and says 'Oh you look tired'...but the worse one was my DH saying that our youngest DD is starting to really look like me. She looks at DD, looks at me and says 'Well hopefully her looks will come in soon - they change so much at this age'.

DH carried on doing what he was doing and I felt an overwhelming need to punch her, I didn't but I did look at my youngest DD and say 'well I hope you don't change, because you are beautiful'. Then I gave MIL a look and walked in to the other room.

Why oh why is she such a bitch???

saffy1234 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:51:33

Mine would of been like this of i had let her get away with it
Tell her if she cant be nice not to bother being around you.She sounds spiteful and jealous

LuckyAmy1986 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:52:28

Pull her up on her rudeness, every single time. What does your DH sag?

2stepsonthewater Mon 14-Oct-19 16:52:51

You need the MN classic, 'Did you mean to be so rude?'
Alternatively, play her game and say to your DD 'goodness me, DD, what a rude granny you have, I hope she learns some manners soon.'

Usernamewillautodestrustin Mon 14-Oct-19 16:54:48

@saffy1234 I think I am going to have to take your advice..

6 months ago after a very awkward encounter with her 'she told me she missed his ex' DH promised he would deal with her. He didn't want me to because he knew she would take it more seriously if it came from him.

But he is so oblivious that it never happens.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 14-Oct-19 16:54:51

Why do you have her in your home? Do you think it’s healthy for your children to spend time with someone who undermines their mum?

DH can go to see her at hers or out. Don’t punch anyone, that way they win. Just stop seeing her.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 14-Oct-19 16:55:13

When she says 'her son deserves a break' deliberately misunderstand and say 'you're quite right, I do '

Usernamewillautodestrustin Mon 14-Oct-19 16:56:17

@LuckyAmy1986 when he notices she is being a dick he pulls her up on it and she pretends not to realise she has been offensive. But he gives her a look and tells her to stop and she does for a bit.

@2stepsonthewater OMG I am definitely using those next time!

Whatsername7 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:56:44

'Oh dear, dd. I think grandma might just be the rudest woman on the planet'. When she reacts, look her square in the face and say 'you were rude and you know it. Please feel free not to come to my home if you can't manage to be civil.'

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD Mon 14-Oct-19 16:57:40

No punching, no matter how aggravating. Just pay back in kind.

Oh - it’s about time you had your roots touched up?
I’ve seen a great new anti wrinkle cream advertised for mature skin.
Is your iron broken?
Yellow really isn’t your colour is it?
What’s that you’ve this time brought? Lasagne? No mousakka? Or is it shepherds pie? Hard to tell really... John did you remember to buy the extra Rennies?

Usernamewillautodestrustin Mon 14-Oct-19 16:57:47

@AnneLovesGilbert she lives a 5 hour round trip away from us and I wouldn't expect my DH to travel there on his own with a 10 month and 5 year old. But I have told him that I will be making plans on the days she is coming in future unless her attitude changes. And he knows I am serious.

mbosnz Mon 14-Oct-19 16:57:50

I'd be telling DH, fine, you don't see it, but I do, and I'm going to be pulling the rude mare up on her appallingly bad behaviour each and every time. To the point where she won't be coming round anymore, because she's getting as good as she bloody well gives.

HowlsMovingBungalow Mon 14-Oct-19 16:57:56

She wouldn't be entering my house until she stopped being a grade a cunt.

Usernamewillautodestrustin Mon 14-Oct-19 16:59:57

HA HA HA Loving all your comments. It is not in my nature to retaliate - I am one of those very annoying people that walk out of the room and fight back the tears. But I have tried to be more assertive just lately.

OK OK I won't punch her...but I can imagine it right??

cuppycakey Mon 14-Oct-19 17:00:53

Another one here who wouldn't be allowing her in my home or anywhere near my DC until she could be polite.

She is now being horrible to your DC - as parents you and DH have to set firm boundaries.

I suspect that as usual, this is a DH problem.

What would he do/say if you told her to Fuck Off and never come back?

LuckyAmy1986 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:02:11

We are now NC with MIL because mine was the same, luckily DH stood up to her in the end and we gave her so many chances but she just didn’t change. It took him a while though, at first he thought I was taking her the wrong way. I hope your DH makes it clear to her that it’s not acceptable in his point of view either abd then she can decide how she wants to be. All I will say is, I didn’t want my children around the negativity. So I wouldn’t start playing tit for tat and being rude back. I would pull her up on it, and expect DH to back you up.

BigFatLiar Mon 14-Oct-19 17:03:01

Tell your DH that if she can't be civil then he can start going to visit her instead of her visiting you and its too far for the children so he can go on his own.

Usernamewillautodestrustin Mon 14-Oct-19 17:03:08

On the occasions I have retaliated and been forceful with her she has started crying and tried to make my DH feel sorry for her and stick up for her. When my DH does it she takes it seriously, goes all quiet and tries to deny she was being offensive.

When he picks up on it he doesn't let her get away with it...i think I need a signal for him for when she is being a bitch!

AryaStarkWolf Mon 14-Oct-19 17:05:18

Yeah I wouldn't have her in my home again. Let your DH go visit her on his own in future

Campervan69 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:05:26

You need to turn it into a joke you share with dh. My mil is a bit like this and every jab she gives I just look over to dh and laugh. He's on board so laughs along. You've got to be tight together. She's coming into YOUR family unit she should know she'll put herself on the outside of it if she keeps it up. As the kids get older, they are allies as well and don't take kindly to their mum being insulted.

cuppycakey Mon 14-Oct-19 17:07:23

A signal? He has ears doesn't he?

Agree with Big just tell him he can visit the bitch on his own from now on and she isn't welcome at yours as she makes vile comments to you and DC.

Usernamewillautodestrustin Mon 14-Oct-19 17:08:03

I really don't mind her coming here. She is a bitch to me but she adores the girls. I already have plan with my family the next time she is due to come and I am taking the baby so I won't have to see her.

But DH knows I am getting to the point where I do not care what she thinks anymore and I won't put up with it.

mbosnz Mon 14-Oct-19 17:11:15

Here's a signal.

'DH, did you hear what your mother just said to me? Do you think that's acceptable. I don't. MIL, do not speak to me like that please. I know you have sufficient mental capacity to realise that you were knowingly being very rude. If you can't stop being rude to me, you might have to stop coming to my house to see your DS and DGC. I'm sure you wouldn't like that. But if you would, will you just box on lovey.'

BigFatLiar Mon 14-Oct-19 17:12:29

She is a bitch to me but she adores the girls.

I think if she truly adored the girls she'd be supportive of their mum.

Witchinaditch Mon 14-Oct-19 17:14:02

Don’t put up with it! Don’t have her in your home if she can’t be nice.

Jollitwiglet Mon 14-Oct-19 17:14:57

Do you remember the show timmy mallet? I used to have a soft toy of the mallett. I would want to bop her on the head with it every single time she made a rude remark.

PanamaPattie Mon 14-Oct-19 17:16:45

Just whisper in her ear as you pass by, "cheapest home I can find".......

pallisers Mon 14-Oct-19 17:17:11

says 'her son deserves a break'. I don't get this because DH never cooks but I ignore it and move on.

She means "deserves a break from your cooking". smile You really have a dose there. I'd try to be out when she comes tbh.

NoSauce Mon 14-Oct-19 17:17:26

Go and stay with friends/family next time she’s over? Or tell her to her face that you’re not putting up with this shit anymore ( in front of your partner ) and let her squirm.

Troilusworks Mon 14-Oct-19 17:18:32

I'm sorry OP but it's really important for your children to stop this kind of thing. It's very damaging for people's confidence. I had all this from my mother and it's worse than out and out insults because you can't argue with it so easily. So my mother would say regularly how pretty other girls were with their tip-tilted noses, when mine is rather large and hooked. Or ask if I'd brushed my hair when she knows it's flyaway and fine. Or say I was just like my father with a temper when I had just stood up for myself.

It really does a number on you and is designed to both put you down while driving you so crazy you eventually explode, at which point YOU are accused of being the unreasonable, unkind one!

Olivia Colman demonstrates this beautifully in Fleabag as the stepmother.

I would make it clear to both her and the DH that she won't be seeing the children unless she stops that shit. It suggests a narcissistic kind of personality, so she won't like it and will try and discredit you. But your children's well-being is paramount. And they tend to believe what important people in their lives say about them.

Fluffycloudland77 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:18:47

She sounds a massive bitch. Your dh needs to stand up to her.

Grown women crying when their found out, pathetic.

Coyoacan Mon 14-Oct-19 17:19:05

Well she's started insult your child's looks.

But I do think the best response to this is to make it a family joke, as suggested above.

Nearlyalmost50 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:19:45

Your children will grow up and understand what she's saying! How is that good granny behaviour? Also, that last remark was an insult to your dd as well. Already. I wouldn't put up with one of these remarks in my own home. I would ask your husband to back you all the way, tears or no tears.

flouncyfanny Mon 14-Oct-19 17:19:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

averythinline Mon 14-Oct-19 17:22:37

Dont leave your DD with her! your DH obviously doesnt get it/care what if she said that to your dd without you ther to pull her up....

He needs to tell her before she comes over again

LuckyAmy1986 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:23:45

Agree @Nearlyalmost50
OP it’s not good for your kids! And horrible what she said about your DD looks too.

Owlypants Mon 14-Oct-19 17:24:07

It's almost Halloween, get a wicked witch decoration and next time she comes over point out the resemblance

PickAChew Mon 14-Oct-19 17:25:59

She needs treating with the contempt she deserves. If she turns on the waterworks when you point out her lack of manners, then tough shit. She might learn not to be such an unpleasant cowbag.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe Mon 14-Oct-19 17:26:17

Mil is coming to visit...DH says
Oh no she bloody well isn;t your reply Do you want to tell her or shall I ?

Drum2018 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:27:20

The signal - Dh, your mother is being a grade A bitch again, are you really going to let her speak to me like that.

mbosnz Mon 14-Oct-19 17:27:58

My FIL (who is already estranged from everybody else in the family, we're the only ones that will have anything to do with him at all), said to my younger daughter upon hearing she was changing the horse she leased, 'is that because you've got too heavy for the horse?'

When I found out about this (I wasn't present, I can't stand him! My older daughter told me - which I went ballistic at DH about because he hadn't told me), I told the girls they had the right to opt out of further communications with him. And they have.

Be vicious to me - that's one thing. Start in on my kids, and it's war, buddy.

Agedtoperfection Mon 14-Oct-19 17:30:24

I really don't mind her coming here. She is a bitch to me but she adores the girls
Just keep doing what you’re doing then

StroppyWoman Mon 14-Oct-19 17:30:27

Don’t invite her over. Tell her that you won’t welcome someone into your home who belittles you and insults you in front of your children.
If she can’t be polite she hasn’t earned a welcome in your home.

I took 3 years of abuse from my in-laws before I confronted them. Turns out that not seeing their son or grandchildren for 6 months did wonders for their manners.

bluebeck Mon 14-Oct-19 17:34:21

She looks at DD, looks at me and says 'Well hopefully her looks will come in soon - they change so much at this age'.

She doesn't adore your girls. They are ammunition to attack you with. Why are you exposing your DD to this shite?

ImNotYourGranny Mon 14-Oct-19 17:36:30

So you don't want your DH doing the 5 hour round trip on his own, you don't want to refuse to have her in your house, and you don't want to address her rude behaviour when it happens. So what do you want?

MirandaGoshawk Mon 14-Oct-19 17:36:39

OP, I had the same sort of thing from my MIL. DP said it was funny that she was jealous, as she would never be his wife and I would never be his mother. (And that is a really good thing to remember!) But he never stood up for me - he found it funny/pathetic and said I should rise above it. Everything changed, though, when she became ill and I helped her out & was a friend, basically. Then I went to stay there and took some very nice presents with me, to thank them for putting me up. Me being nice to her and presenting her with unexpected posh skincare really took the wind out of her sails and she couldn't be bitchy to me any more! I'm glad I didn't confront her about being bitchy - she would've loved that. I have a different relationship with her now. I don't know if any of this is helpful or could be relevant, but it just shows that things can change.

TheGoodEnoughWife Mon 14-Oct-19 17:37:56

Agree with others. If she adores the girls she would treat their mother with respect.

Call her out on it Every Single Time.

I suggest...

Did you really just say .... MIL? Because that would extremely rude. Do you think it is okay to be extremely rude to me?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Mon 14-Oct-19 17:38:16

Your current plan to leave your own house to avoid her will not work. She will use the opportunity to downgrade you to your DH and DD whilst you are out.
You've tried asking DH to stand up to her, he does it a bit but as you say he is oblivious to some of her more underhand remarks.
You have to do this yourself.
You have to be prepared to stand up to her each and every time.
eg "DH and I would it if you didn't make comments that damage DD's confidence." (although what you said was good too)
Don't shout or swear, don't namecall...Just calmly identify what is wrong or offensive about what she's saying and say its not acceptable. EG.. call her out on "my son needs a break" and she "prefers his ex." ask her how is that a helpful comment to make? and make her answer. Why does she feel the need to say such unkind things? What is her reasoning? You might get another hurtful answer back. It might identify what her problem is, or call her out on that too.
Its really really difficult to do face to face, but it's better than letting her carry on like this. Good luck

99BehaviourProblems Mon 14-Oct-19 17:39:12

I had a similar issue with my MIL, and like you I never used to say anything back. Just get incredibly upset later on (after she had left) and cry to DH about it. I used to hear exactly the same disgusting and unacceptable comments about our children and about my abilities as a wife/mother.

DH tried setting her straight in his own way (quite feebly, but we were both to blame for this as I told him he was not to be harsh or she would only blame me as she did with everything else). So basically we were both pathetic.

The only way I was comfortable dealing with it was to stop seeing her. We stopped inviting her round and we wouldn’t visit her (and DH was fine with all this as he knew she was out of order and upset me) and we even stopped FaceTiming with the kids. Your children don’t need to be around such nastiness and negativity. Basically we cut contact except for the odd phone call here and there.

She must have got the message loud and clear. Fast forward to a very close family wedding, after she hadn’t seen us for 8 months. She was a completely different person. Complimenting me, and not a hint of criticism. In fact, she was showing me off to her closest friends and distant relatives, wanting me to meet everyone, smiling and hugging me. Initially I thought it was fakery, but she has been the same ever since. She now has a great relationship with the kids and with me. I honestly don’t know where the nasty MIL I knew for five years has gone - but I can safely say she’s gone.

Stand up for yourself one way or another. Hopefully she will realise like mine did that she cannot get away with that behaviour. Fingers crossed, you’ll end up with a decent MIL and a good relationship. I was very cynical at first but it turns out people CAN change. Good luck!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Mon 14-Oct-19 17:41:14

Crossed posts with @TheGoodEnoughWife - great name!.. exactly what she said

99BehaviourProblems Mon 14-Oct-19 17:42:05

@MirandaGoshawk that’s lovely. And it shows people can change, like both our MILs did. I forgot to add in my post that with every phone call or text I would still be really sweet even if I found it unbearable. I found with my MIL that it was best not to give her ammunition such as “DIL has been rude/disrespectful” and just to be kind, loving etc. That being said, you’ll see from my post that we did cut back on contact, which I think did the trick!

myolivetree Mon 14-Oct-19 17:42:26

God I know the type....( massive bloody sigh) you need to put your foot down NOW.

Don't rely on OH he probably won't notice half the time as he's heard this sort of shit all his life.

I'm not suggesting all out war or massive shouting confrontation. I prefer to keep it peaceful and my carbon copy MIL loves the kids. But politely assertively straight back at her.

Eg Did you mean to be so rude ( and smile )

Eg To give him a break - Oh Thanks , we'll keep that for later, He never cooks but luckily he loves mine ( massive smile looking directly at her)

A direct look and no that's not right ( and smile) as you put her straight.

You have to politely push right back. What I have found with my MIL is she will push it as far as you let her. Give her an inch and she will take a mile.

After a few years I put my foot down and she knows her boundaries. Pathetic really.

justasking111 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:42:45

When my DS was very young and we had to deal with a difficult granny who would not turn up on the day because of some perceived slight. He turned around to her and said "Are you better nana" She asked why he thought she had been ill he replied "Because mummy said you were sick in the head" I wish I had a camera at that moment. Priceless bulldog sucking on a lemon expression on nana face.

PrestonNotHeston Mon 14-Oct-19 17:43:03

Whenever she says something rude, squint at her and say, 'Sorry, I didn't catch that - did you just say you "hoped Jemima's looks will come in soon"?' Make her repeat every bitchy comment so your DH can hear, especially if she deliberately said it out of his earshot.

loulou0987 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:43:10

My mil is the queen of offended Me while looking like butter wouldn’t melt!
I put up with it for years and now I make other plans when any visits occur. There will never be a relationship there so I let DH get on with it and preserve what relationship he has with her.

Drabarni Mon 14-Oct-19 17:45:29

Go out and take the kids with you, she'll soon learn how to be nice if she can't see them.
Some mil don't deserve nice dil's.

Mine is wonderful, but I worship the ground she walks on grin

Nat6999 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:49:09

If she had done to me what she has done today, I would be ready to break her fingers to stop her doing it again. Could you report her to HR, this is happening on work premises & they may be able to sort this out for you.

Nat6999 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:50:09

Sorry don't know what happened, this has appeared on wrong thread.

readingismycardio Mon 14-Oct-19 17:50:53

You should punch both - obviously jokinggrin

Pretty much same situation with MIL except we don't have any children yet. I stopped tolerating her (actually this was one of the reasons I went to therapy- to be more assertive) and I started imposing boundaries.
For example: she wanted to be called at least once a week to talk to at me for one hour. I told her this is not normal behaviour and I don't have time for it. When i went up to a size 10 from size 8 and both MIL and FIL commented repeatedly about my weight I told them they're being rude and I won't discuss my weight with them.

You need to be assertive, sooner rather than later and get DH on board. And remember: he's not your babysitter. You need to say what's bothering you, with your own mouth.

sylviemc Mon 14-Oct-19 17:53:12

lol i am so sorry for you coping with this - it is horrible, my ex left me to his mothers insults, note the ex status too lol. She tried it on with my sons badly once we split but actually they were tremendously loyal to me and didn't allow her to get away with it either, even though she was good to them. MY second husband never lets anyone dis me but mostly they don't because i have enough self respect to not enable it. I think call her out on it by playing her game back against her might make you as bad as her on one level, but refuse to have her in your house until she sorts out her act would be a good idea. My ex mother in law eventually about 10 years later apologised to me and came to my second wedding, pleased i had found happiness again - you can be surprised what happens in life sometimes. I was actually sad when she died

Didkdt Mon 14-Oct-19 17:53:16

Your daughters need to see you strong, and that isn't disappearing off when Grandma comes to tea.
Your DH needs to show that he supports you. He chose his wife not his mother, he can't help being cast with her but he made a conscious choice to marry you and make you the mother of his children.
He has probably been indoctrinated not to notice or be offended by tone or words that she uses that will have come from yours of enduring her, so remind him or show him that it's not OK, use the examples above.

You are right she listens to him, and unless the roar to back off comes from him, she will kid herself that he thinks it's ok or acceptable for her to be like that to you.
Do stand up for yourself if need be, but he needs to tell her that she needs to think about what she says from now on because unkindness is not what he wants the children to see in their own home

loobylou10 Mon 14-Oct-19 17:55:53

Next time she does it, ask her to repeat herself 'sorry, MIL, what did you just say?' 'What do you mean? I don't understand?'
People don't like to repeat their insults - try it, it works.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 17:59:22

You and DH sound pretty together on this even if he does avoid speaking to her. Just watch out, she sounds like she is being quite mean to the kids and putting you down in front of them.

My MIL and SIL are awful, however I just jollied along and made light of it until DP decided to separate and they came full force on me. They had access to our DS without me being there and suddenly turned from annoying into full on manipulators - honestly I think they were trying to discredit me and take my child. I’d protect yourself a bit more!

Boysey45 Mon 14-Oct-19 18:00:47

You've got an issue with your husband here being spineless and not supporting you. He will understand that shes being a bitch but chooses to do nothing about it. Basically because its easier for him not to challenge her.
I'd be telling him to tell her and support me or I was going to split up with him.
Its him that's the issue.

myolivetree Mon 14-Oct-19 18:01:23

*Next time she does it, ask her to repeat herself 'sorry, MIL, what did you just say?' 'What do you mean? I don't understand?'
People don't like to repeat their insults - try it, it works.*

Omg genius.

mummmy2017 Mon 14-Oct-19 18:05:13

The old classic, did you mean to be so rude!
Works well as a sign to your DH.

butterybiscuitbasic Mon 14-Oct-19 18:16:00

You need to pull her up every time. You can do it lightly, or fuck it - play her at her own game and burst into sobs, but so something that will highlight to dh just how often she does it. Just say things like “ouch” and meow- if you don’t want to be very confrontational.

mrsbface Mon 14-Oct-19 18:18:52

You have two fists for a reason..

HeyNotInMyName Mon 14-Oct-19 18:19:44

she lives a 5 hour round trip away from us and I wouldn't expect my DH to travel there on his own with a 10 month and 5 year old.
Why? Maybe if the consequence is painful enough for him, he will start to be a bit more careful.

I wouldn’t retaliate either but I would make a point of pulling her on it. For the sake of your dcs and as a clear reminder for your DH ‘who can’t see the comments’

HeyNotInMyName Mon 14-Oct-19 18:20:53

And YY your DH is spineless.

SchadenfreudePersonified Mon 14-Oct-19 18:22:48

On the occasions I have retaliated and been forceful with her she has started crying


The last refuge of a bully . . .

SchadenfreudePersonified Mon 14-Oct-19 18:24:51

She is a bitch to me but she adores the girls

Nor would she make comments implying your DD is plain. Your DD is old enough to pick up on this.

EKGEMS Mon 14-Oct-19 18:27:44

Seriously? Fight back and tell that Komodo-dragon-in-a-dress to go look in the mirror she's no oil painting herself!

SchadenfreudePersonified Mon 14-Oct-19 18:29:27

"Oh, girls!

Aren't we lucky that your lovely daddy doesn't take after Nana!"

EileenAlanna Mon 14-Oct-19 18:29:58

Tell her 5 hours is an awful long way to travel just to insult people in their own homes & does she not have someone more local that would do just as well?

Ceebs85 Mon 14-Oct-19 18:36:39

Eugh, sounds like she wants to marry him envy (not envy)

Smelborp Mon 14-Oct-19 18:37:15

She basically implied your DD is plain / ugly in front of the child. She doesn’t adore your children as she’s quite happy to insult them if it means she can get a dig in at you.

RandomMess Mon 14-Oct-19 18:38:06

Would you really trust her to not be nasty about you to DD whilst you weren't there?

Honeyroar Mon 14-Oct-19 18:41:15

Telling a little girl that hopefully her looks will improve is not something you do to a child that you adore! You massively need to put your foot down. If she's rude she leaves, and DH backs you up. Otherwise what's the point of a husband who lets you get insulted time after time?

Michellelovesizzy Mon 14-Oct-19 18:42:28

Hahahah..... i would have just said fuck off u bitter old cunt. Dont talk shit in my house. Now take ur horrible food and ur son with no back bone and do 1..... lol but i am a bitch so this might not work 4 u.

Jellybeansincognito Mon 14-Oct-19 18:57:24

Id simple just snap and say right- every time you come here you disrespect me and now you’re disrespecting me in front of my children.
Please get out of my house, you’re no longer welcome.

My Dh would get a firm telling too- you’ve had ample opportunity to sort her foul behaviour, you chose not to, so from now on she’s not welcome in my home or around my children without me present.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel Mon 14-Oct-19 18:59:14

When she says she is bringing lunch because DH needs a rest, I would have instantly challenged that and said "What do you mean, he never cooks and is completely useless round the house, mind you I blame his parents" and walked away from her. Challenge her EVERYTIME and tell her directly if she cannot keep a civil tongue in her head she will no longer be welcome in your house.

billy1966 Mon 14-Oct-19 19:05:29

OP, you sound like a nice woman however, you need to give your head a good shake.

Your husband knows bloody well what's being said but is taking the easy way out by not hearing most of it.

He is not loyal and does not have your back or your children's.

Clearly the "giving DS a break" is a crack at your cooking.

She has absolutely insulted your DD's looks.
How would you allow her to say that?

She can't care about her GC to be so vicious with your DD.

Whatever about not standing up for yourself, you really should have your child's back.

I would go through her for a short cut in your place.

Your husband needs to be read the riot act.

Tell him to visit his mother at her house on his own if he wants to see her.

I wouldn't allow my children to visit someone who would feel the need to insult my child's appearance.

Your husband is not taking this seriously, because you aren't.

Make his life a lot less comfortable.

I couldn't be with a man who wasn't loyal to me and our children.

Ated Mon 14-Oct-19 19:18:45

Put powdered laxatives in her tea or coffee each time she turns up and look surprised and upset that she's ill.

simplekindoflife Mon 14-Oct-19 19:22:39

Pull her up on it. Every. Single. Time.

"My son deserves a break'.
You mean give me a break! DH never cooks!

"oh I see you didn't have time to clean"
I did! Do you think the house is too messy?! Who made you the cleaning police!

"didn't mummy do your hair"
Yes! Don't you like her hair mil? I think she looks lovely!

"Oh you look tired'
How funny, I was going to say the same to you! Maybe we're both coming down with something. Have you had your flu jab? Can't be too careful at your age.

"Well hopefully her looks will come in soon - they change so much at this age"
What? I'm not sure if you're saying I'm ugly or my baby's ugly! Or both?! What do you think DH?!

Say it all with a tinkly laugh to soften the awkwardness if you like, but do not let this rudeness slide.

Crankybitch Mon 14-Oct-19 19:30:59

When she arrives next time take both kids out saying granny was rude last time so we are going out kids - daddy is spending the day with his and leave - don’t come back until she has gone.

leomama81 Mon 14-Oct-19 19:34:35

She is awful to you OP but worse - she has told your young daughter that she doesn't have good looks. That is serious - these things will get into your child's head. I was "teased" by a close relative about being chubby at that age and I went on to develop an eating disorder. I would be telling her she wouldn't be coming near the children again if she couldn't control her nastiness.

Windydaysuponus Mon 14-Oct-19 19:40:02

Your dc should not be around her being so disrespectful of their dm.
Your dh needs to grow a pair.
I would - and have - gone out and taken dc with me. Leave dh to put up with her..
No way should she be allowed under your roof with her behaviour...

NearlyGranny Mon 14-Oct-19 19:42:05

Discuss a strategy with DH. Alert him that whenever you ask her to repeat a remark, he needs to tune in and listen because this is code for "She's just been really rude." Kick him under the table if need be. Then when she repeats it, if she dares, one or other of you says, "Wow, that sounds really rude!" No need to say anything more; if both of you are united in a raised-eyebrow shocked state in stereo, she will reconsider.

Don't let her get you on your own, but if she manages, use the technique the moment he's there too.

In time, the DC could even join in. All you're doing is asking her to repeat something she's already said and expressing mild shock, not anger.

There's no zing in the repeat, just the inner nastiness exposed to the air.

If it gets tiresome, stagger her visits further and further apart until it's once or twice a year.

The two of you can do this if you work as a team!

Rock4please Mon 14-Oct-19 19:48:03

Please don't criticise MIL to your DC or make sarcastic remarks in their presence. This is not the sort of behaviour pattern you want to display or encourage.

Instead, I recommend that you invite her out for lunch, or a cup of tea or similar, and ask her in a pleasant and direct way what her problem is. Tell her that she is upsetting you to the extent that you are not sure that you want much, if any, relationship going forward, and see what the response is. She sounds a bit of a bully and the way to effectively deal with bullies is not to run away but to stand up to them.

Peachez Mon 14-Oct-19 20:03:03

Why is she such a bitch? Because you allow it. I too have one of the MILs, or had. Divorcing her 'precious boy' levelled the playing field.

Don't allow this. When she starts with the 'did mummy brush your hair today' borax you simply get her coat for her and point her at the front door. She gets the message and so does your DH. Then you eat the food and play with the kids. Simple.

BrokenWing Mon 14-Oct-19 20:05:29

Forget having a strategy with dh. Either tell her straight, or if you don't feel up, or if it will come better from him, tell dh to tell her - it is clear she doesn't like you, and the feeling is now mutual, you will not put up with it in your home anymore and if she continues she will no longer be welcome in your home. Her choice. You don't expect to be friends, but you expect her to be civil with no rudeness and you will in return not be rude to her.

If she chooses to see dh outside your home instead, then make it clear the first time you hear from your dd's "why doesn't granny like mum" will be the last time they visit.

Teach your dd that they don't need to put up with people acting like this.

Cherrysoup Mon 14-Oct-19 20:15:03

Straight after one of her rude comments, I’d be saying ‘Maybe granny will improve her manners then she can another visit here”. Nice and threatening.

As for your dh being obvious, bollocks! He just doesn’t want to take sides, of course he notices, he’s not deaf or stupid, is he? He needs to be far more on board.

TuttiFrutti Mon 14-Oct-19 20:23:27

OP, I had a MIL exactly like this. She would constantly make passive aggressive comments, and when I stood up to her she would start crying. I put up with it for years, was usually in tears when I left their house because of the repeated insults and undermining.

My dh, exactly liike yours, chose not to see it. She made her worst comments when he was out of the room. But any he did hear, he would say "Oh I'm sure she didn't mean it like that".

I eventually had counselling and it changed my view of the situation. The counsellor said my MIL was a deeply unhappy person, probably damaged by her childhood, and was incapable of having adult-to-adult relationships. She had to act the bossy parent and treat you and dh like children (hence why she is cooking the meals, and telling you how your house should be cleaned). If you stand up to her sufficiently so she realises her act is not working, she will revert to being the child in the relationship - so will have a toddler tantrum and start crying.

The only way you can deal with this is to set up boundaries. You will not change her. Just set time limits on when you are prepared to see her, and I agree with previous posters, challenge her every time she is rude. She is very, very threatened by you and extremely jealous, because you have the adult-to-adult relationship with her son which she wanted.

LovePoppy Mon 14-Oct-19 21:00:41

I really don't mind her coming here. She is a bitch to me but she adores the girls. I already have plan with my family the next time she is due to come and I am taking the baby so I won't have to see her.

Somebody who adores your children doesn’t tell them she hopes that looks

She’s a bitch

Also, she drives five hours with lunch so that your husband doesn’t have to cook? She is so far beyond passive aggressive that she’s straight up aggressive

YobaOljazUwaque Mon 14-Oct-19 21:55:59

But I have told him that I will be making plans on the days she is coming in future

this is where that my son deserves a break comes from. She has been deliberately needling you with the aim of getting you to vacate the premises and give her solo time with her son and grandchildren, so she has been preparing for the day you snap and leave them to it right from the start.

I am not sure it is wise to give her what she wants - with you out of the way it won't be so much drip drip of poison as outright character assassination as soon as you are elsewhere.

Has anyone said "you have a DH problem" yet on this thread? DH needs to start telling his mum to watch what she says about the woman he loves. He should practice before he next sees her. Tolerating her insults just because you are out of the building is not on.

Tp93 Mon 14-Oct-19 22:38:19

My fil does this too. 🙄 "you look tired" hmm well I have a 2 year old and am 9 months pregnant
"you look pale" great! I love looking like I'm dead thanks for pointing it out!
"You look big" I'm pregnant and still skinnier than you!
More examples but too many to choose from! Im too polite to actually say that to fil. I told my dh who said to ignore but next time he says something stupid I will go off on fil and dh 😂

Ce7913 Tue 15-Oct-19 01:05:02

You need DWIL Nation in the worst way.

Why do you tolerate being treated this way?

Do you think it's good for your daughter to hear her mother and home being constantly trashed and undermined, and see her father do essentially nothing about it?

How was MIL able to sit there and insult your five year old daughter's looks to her face and not get told to leave?

MIL is passive aggressive, manipulative and hateful, and she clearly has nothing but contempt for you, and for your marriage.

You don't have to expose yourself or your child to someone who abuses and disrespects you just because they share DNA with your husband.

Pixxie7 Tue 15-Oct-19 03:13:08

Sounds narcissistic if she is she won’t change, so walk away before she can cause too much lasting damage.

Durgasarrow Tue 15-Oct-19 04:01:17

I would not treat a comment like that as a joke, and I would not treat it as a valid underpinnings. I would stop all conversation in its tracks to deal with it in a calm and sober manner.
"Making mean-spirited insults to a child is a choice you don't have to make. I expect you to make better choices in the future."

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