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To think if she wants to play top trumps with surgery I bloody win!!!

(74 Posts)
Thinkingoutloud13 Mon 14-Oct-19 15:25:54

So back history DH ex is constantly asking us to have kids more, help her out with drop off, childcare for last minute weekends away (currently away on 3rd holiday this year with out children). We have kids 50/50- 3 nights one week and 4 the next in holidays exactly the same with 9.00am drop off either way so it’s split exactly. Ex claims all child benefit and tax credits for both even when away.
I have major surgery in Nov which will need at least 8 weeks off work the weekend after my surgery my children are going to there dads as due to the day of surgery I will more than likely if everything goes well be home the Friday. We are scheduled to have DH children that week and take them to school the Friday morning with EX collecting (normal routine) which is fine. Ex now has day surgery for haemorrhoid banding the Thursday so has stated we HAVE to have the kids the Friday, the weekend and the days that are not ours that following week as she needs a week off work so can not have her children- they are 7 and 11 if that helps!
DH has told her I am having a major operation which is why my children are staying an extra weekend at there dads and he is taking the weekend off work to care for me. She is now creating all sorts of drama and stress (phoned from abroad 10 times to DH today alone) how he will be fit and well and her surgery is also major so he HAS to have the kids. On our set days I have no problem with the kids coming but feeling her ‘major’ surgery isn’t actually major surgery and on her days she needs to sort her own childcare problems.
Last time we had this she turned up at our house and saw we were in and sent the kids in and drive of 5 hours early so we had to cancel our afternoon plans. This is really stressing me out and causing me huge anxiety as I am scared enough about this operation and now feel I won’t even get a few days rest at home. DH takes to ignoring her constant calls and texts but then she just does it like the dropping off 5 hours early. Not sure if I am venting or asking for advice how to handle?

Rosamund589 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:05:12

Is she a single parent?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Mon 14-Oct-19 16:12:15

I have had haemorrhoid banding - it is NOT major surgery! If she is being sedated or anaesthetised for it, she will need a responsible adult with her over night, but it is highly unlikely that anything would go wrong, and she should feel fine by the time she is discharged. When I was a nurse, and a theatre nurse, haemorrhoid banding was classed as minor day case surgery.

Whereas, if you have been told you need to take 8 weeks recovery, your operation is clearly serious surgery - a world away from her day case op!

Tvstar Mon 14-Oct-19 16:17:40

It's not about whose surgery is more severe. The point is your dhs children are his responsibility. If their mum can't have them then he has to.

AmIThough Mon 14-Oct-19 16:23:23

Your children are going to their dad. Her children are going to theirs.

It's unfortunate but it's not unreasonable of her to ask her ex like it's not unreasonable for you to ask yours.

Hope your op goes well x

Thinkingoutloud13 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:24:02

No she isn’t a single parent and her mum and 2 sisters live in the same town and neither work.
It’s his responsibility on his days and if he is able to help on hers he does but it’s not our responsibility to cover a week for a day surgery when actually the only reason he won’t be working away is that I am having major surgery and having PTSD following a major incident following surgery at the same hospital and needing a lot of help
With care. It’s not as if he only has the EOW she could easily postpone the date of her surgery to not be the same week if her family or can’t help- am assuming her partner will be with her as mine wants to be with me.
It’s also her weekend to have her boyfriends children and they aren’t having them as she needs to rest, but I am expected to have hers at the cost of my rest

Thinkingoutloud13 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:26:37

It’s not unreasonable of her to ask DH and if it was the following week or week before we would of helped but surely he still had the right to say actually I can’t help that week. It would mean us sorting childcare for them as I would need collecting etc when actually on her days she could sort it

AmIThough Mon 14-Oct-19 16:27:35

It doesn't matter how often you have them, they're still his children. If you and your ex were still together your children would still be at your house.

I'm sorry you've been through a traumatic time but that's not her problem.
If your DH was having an operation it would be different but he's not.
They're his children so he needs to care for them.

Imagine if your ex said he couldn't have your kids because his girlfriend was having an operation?

81Byerley Mon 14-Oct-19 16:29:13

I've had banding, no sedative, went home on the bus, took the next day off work as it involved heavy lifting, then back to normal. If I'd had an office job I wouldn't have needed time off. If I'd had kids I'd have been fine to look after them. She is taking the piss.

Quartz2208 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:31:48

The crux is yes she is being unreasonable and she is putting you in a difficult position BUT she is asking the father to take them. Just like you did with yours

Thinkingoutloud13 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:33:26

DH did have surgery last year and was in 3 days and last month an emergency ending him in A&E his EX stated it was ours days so our job to sort childcare and school pick ups etc - despite not working.

PoppyFleur Mon 14-Oct-19 16:34:50

YANBU - you are having major surgery, things may go to plan and you may return home swiftly or you might require a longer stay. Either way you will require rest and this can be in short demand in hospital.

I cannot understand people saying YABU. Your DH is living up to his contact arrangements, the mother is not. You are not amending the children's contact dates, she is, to meet her op needs (whilst completely ignoring your more serious surgery).

I suspect the responses would be if you weren't the step parent.

Thinkingoutloud13 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:34:52

I would get it more if they were babies needing constant care but they are 7 and 11

MulticolourMophead Mon 14-Oct-19 16:36:28

If she made him sort childcare for his surgery, etc on his time, then she can sort childcare on her time.

AryaStarkWolf Mon 14-Oct-19 16:37:35

I hope the kids don't realise all this is going on, nobody wanting them. They're 7 and 11 not toddlers, i doubt they would be that much to look after anyway, no matter who's house they're in :/

MatildaCat Mon 14-Oct-19 16:39:45

I've always read on MN that childcare when you've got the kids is yours to sort, ie if she can't have the kids for whatever reason, she needs to find someone else to look after them, it's not her exH problem! But this is when exHs are expecting exWs to look after the DC. She needs to reschedule her operation if she can't get childcare.

ElizaDee Mon 14-Oct-19 16:40:30

I think she's being a cheeky bitch tbh.

Your dp is there/not at work so he can look after you. She can easily rearrange her date or arrange her own childcare for her contact time.

Plenty of people on here are told they can't expect their ex to have the kids or make arrangements when it's their contact time and plenty are told they have no say over who see's/is around the kids on the other parents time. Works both ways imo.

Dillydallyingthrough Mon 14-Oct-19 16:41:25

YANBU, but I'm not sure what you can do if she drops the DC off and drives off? I hope your op goes well flowers

Thinkingoutloud13 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:42:51

The kids are of course unaware and only know I am having surgery and it won’t affect the days they come here but that I won’t be able to do much for a good few weeks following that. My operation date has been in place since August so have been sorting especially with my job etc

SchrodingersMeowth Mon 14-Oct-19 16:44:54

I’ve had parts of a prolapse (they thought it was haemmoroids) banded and had no sedation and walked out fine with two kids to look after.

She’s having a laugh, don’t stand for it.

Clangus00 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:51:02

As @AmIThough said your children are off to their dad's and so are hers.
You don't need to be up and looking after your husband's children, he'll be doing that so you can still rest up.
Hope everything goes well for you.

GoodGriefSunshine Mon 14-Oct-19 16:59:11

It's not about whose surgery is more severe. The point is your dhs children are his responsibility. If their mum can't have them then he has to.
Bollocks, if you can't look after your dc then it is YOUR responsibility to sort out childcare just as it is for any parent. It is not any different for separated parents. It's not up to the other parent to drop all their responsibilities just because the resident parent is having a problem. 2 people, 2 sets of responsibilities. Both are valid. Get a childminder/babysitter/parent anything. It's your job to sort this stuff out, not just dump your dc and run. If one parent had an emergency and the other also had an emergency then something else needs to be done.

slipperywhensparticus Mon 14-Oct-19 17:00:12

She is taking the piss

Troilusworks Mon 14-Oct-19 17:02:26

Ignore people who say you should have the kids on that weekend. She could change her surgery day, it's much easier to change minor surgery, or she could find alternative childcare. Yes you can ask the other parent to have the kids on your day but they don't have to say yes. Your ex is taking the kids because it's presumably not difficult for him to do so; it's not possible for your dh to have them on that weekend because of your major op. YANBU. She is.

OP have you written about her before? The details sound familiar. If so, has been unreasonable in the past, and continues to be so just to be difficult.

bridgetreilly Mon 14-Oct-19 17:06:12

She is totally a CF and your DH needs to make that clear to her. On her days it is HER responsibility to ensure that the children are looked after. If she is unable to do that, she needs to arrange someone else to help. It's fine to ask if your DH can, but he is absolutely allowed to say no, for any reason at all. And, as it happens, he has a very good reason this time. Given her previous behaviour, he also needs to make it clear that she won't be able to just drop the children and run as there will probably be no one at home, since you are in the hospital and he will be there with you. He will take them to school on the Friday and she needs to arrange someone to pick them up. Your DH will not be doing it, as per the normal custody arrangements.

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