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8 year old's friend telling him about sex

(36 Posts)
Lima1 Mon 14-Oct-19 14:45:31

Hi all, just looking for a bit of perspective on this one. We are a fairly open family, we talk to the children about their bodies, puberty and the facts of life. I answer their questions in an age appropriate manner (I have boys aged 8 and 9 and a girl aged 11).

My 8 year old was watching a match with his dad the other day and two men were on top of each other after a tackle. DS said to DH "are they having sex?". DH was surprised and said no.
DS knows a bit about sex in that its something you do to have a baby but he wouldn't know the process of it.

I asked him about it last night and he said that two school friends were wrestling on the ground in school and his friend told him that the boys were having sex. I asked him what else his friend had told him and he said pointing to his groin "sex is when you hit this part off someone else privates".
He said that they were watching cartoons in school during lunch and one character bumped into someone else from behind and the friend told me DS that they were having sex. He also said he constantly sings "oh the sexy girls" while thrusting his groin out.

My DS used to be friends with this child a few years ago. At a play date I came into the living room and this child had his trousers pulled down and was trying to sit on my DS's head on the ground.
The two of them were caught a week or so later in the school yard with their trousers down weeing. I spoke to DS about it and he said this boy was telling him to pull his trousers down.
I discouraged the friendship after that but they are back in school a few weeks now and DS is sitting beside him and so they are out playing in school again.

Am I being overly sensitive about what is going on? I personally don't think his behaviour is appropriate for his age but maybe its normal. I am annoyed that he is telling DS this information particularly when DS clearly doesn't understand what it is.

I was going to have a word with his teacher and see if he can separate them. AIBU?

formerbabe Mon 14-Oct-19 14:47:09

You need to tell the school asap

Christieee Mon 14-Oct-19 14:48:51

Where on earth is the other child learning this🙈

Simkin Mon 14-Oct-19 14:52:21

I'd be a bit worried about that kid and mention it to school. sad

Booboostwo Mon 14-Oct-19 14:52:49

I also think you need to tell the school's safe guarding officer as the child may have been exposed to things he shouldn't have.

However, I also think you are setting your DS up for quite a few misunderstandings. What's wrong with an 8yo knowing more factual information about sex? My 8yo knows that women can have sex with men, or with women, or women with women, she knows the penis and the vagina are involved in sex, that it might lead to pregnancy and STDs, that you can use contraception to avoid pregnancy and STDs, that sex is fun but only if you want it and you never have to do anything you don't want to or force anything on anyone who doesn't want it. She also knows that some, very bad, adults sometimes try to have sex with children and that she should talk to us if anything like that ever happens.

Children need this information both to be safe and to avoid being confused.

JasonPollack Mon 14-Oct-19 14:57:42

I think it is age appropriate to understand what sex is by 8. The fixation this other little boy has is quite troubling though. I would be much more concerned about telling your son to remove trousers, removing trousers and sitting on your son etc than speculation about sex which is quite normal.

Velveteenfruitbowl Mon 14-Oct-19 14:57:57

You really need to have a word with the school. I’d be very concerned for the boy.

Lima1 Mon 14-Oct-19 15:00:51

Thanks for the replies.

Booboostwo - I tend to just answer his questions as they come along. My 9 year and 11 years olds would know more - penis/vagina contraception/STDs but that is as a result of questions leading to this information.

DS8 knows his privates are not to be shown to or touched by others/he isn't to touch someone else etc/sex is something adults do, adults shouldn't try anything like that with children. But he doesn't know as much as my older two.

I have never had an issue with the children being told something like this before I have told them.

I worry the child is being exposed to material or conversations he shouldn't be but like I said I don't know what is normal.

Boo - would your children tell other children what they know, I would imagine if a child is being told all this info in genuine circumstances then they wouldn't be talking the way this child is?

81Byerley Mon 14-Oct-19 15:05:06

I'd be worried about the other child. Have a word with the teacher.

Simkin Mon 14-Oct-19 15:05:41

I think the antidote for your son in all this is a very frank and accurate discussion about what sex is. Much less confusing.

But, again, the long term and repeated sexual references /acts from this boy is something to mention to school.

Harriett123 Mon 14-Oct-19 15:06:45

Overly sexual behaviour like your describing is quite often a sign of sexual abuse. For the sake of the other boy I would report this to at least the school if not social services.

NoSquirrels Mon 14-Oct-19 15:12:45

Two issues:

1) the other child - mention to school ASAP. Mention ALL the incidents, not just this most recent.

2) 8 year olds knowing about sex - not a problem in and of itself. No reason not to know that penis in vagina = sex.

Booboostwo Mon 14-Oct-19 15:14:07

Sorry I didn't mean to imply that it's normal for the boy to be talking like this and doing these things. His behaviour is worrying and I think you should tell the school.

Aside from that, many DCs make silly claims about sex and I prefer my DCs to know the facts. So if another child told my DD that two boys wrestling were have in fact having sex I would hope that she would be able to know that is not true.

AlternativePerspective Mon 14-Oct-19 15:16:54

I knew about all this stuff at eight because I had older friends who knew about it in enough detail to joke about it iyswim but not enough to really understand what they were going on about.

I might have a word with the teacher but tbh I also think that it depends on this boy’s circumstances, e.g. does he have older siblings/cousins who might have talked about this stuff.

Sexual references can mean the boy is exposed but it doesn’t mean that he is. Iyswim.

As for the teacher keeping the boys apart, no I absolutely wouldn’t do that.

Nonnymum Mon 14-Oct-19 15:17:08

That sounds like very disturbed behaviour. Yes you should definitly mention it to the teacher.

pikapikachu Mon 14-Oct-19 15:26:33

The behaviour of this boy is very worrying.

Personally I would have told Ds what's ex was when he first asked. 8 is a reasonable age to know and many kids hear inappropriate stuff at school like
swear words, the truth about Santa and racist/homophobic language which needs at adult at home to explain things in further detail.

PissedOffProf Mon 14-Oct-19 15:32:22

Perhaps tell the school about the other boy so they can keep an eye on him. However, this type of behaviour very often is a result of a child having very little to no information about what sex is or how it works. In such circumstances, they start experimenting and making stuff up themselves. So I definitely would not put the responsibility on your 8-year old to initiate the discussion by asking questions. Assume the responsibility for his education yourself and give him accurate information now.

StylishMummy Mon 14-Oct-19 15:32:40

Huge safeguarding red flag. Tell the school and maybe report to SS

shearwater Mon 14-Oct-19 15:33:10

Yes, I'd let the class teacher know. It may be something and nothing. Often kids do catch rumours of what sex is about and get it wrong at this age, but the inappropriate behaviour is concerning. He could have just watched something on TV, even a soap or pop video, it doesn't necessarily mean he is being abused but the school should be aware and other kids shouldn't have to put up with him behaving inappropriately.

I'd already bought DDs a book about the birds and the bees when they were about 7, and had explained things in simple terms before then if they asked (How did the baby get in your tummy?)

I didn't know anything properly until I was about 11 and all the rumours going round school from about Y3 onwards left me quite confused and worried so I think it is much better for kids to know the proper facts.

Apple23 Mon 14-Oct-19 15:43:00

There is probably a poster in the front foyer saying something like, “If you have concerns about a child, contact...” and the names of the Safeguarding Officers/ Designated Teacher

Ask at the School office for them by their title and the office staff will know not to ask you what it is about. If you tell the class teacher, they should direct you to that person, but via the school office is probably quicker.

00100001 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:02:44

Talk tot he school.

Do NOT speak to the parents of the boy

supersop60 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:02:46

Yes, 8 yr olds know about sex.
This child's behaviour is cause for concern. Report.

dontgobaconmyheart Mon 14-Oct-19 16:14:16

Speak to the school asap OP, in writing if possible and with a full disclosure of incidents. I would want to know what safeguarding is in place for this other child as it's a concern as to how and why he is exhibiting sexualised behaviour. Better safe than sorry.

At home I'd give DS more factual information on what sex actually is, obviously he is curious and may as well just know the facts. This is not inappropriate- it is biology. It needs to be almost boring to him rather than mysterious and hilarious. Reiterate firmly that it is not for children, genitals are to be kept in private around friends and that he does not have to do what any friend tells him and should instead tell a teacher. He's old enough to absorb those points.

You are doing fine OP, this must be a real concern. Hopefully the school can take some of the load re: the other boy.

BarbaraStrozzi Mon 14-Oct-19 16:14:30

As a PP said - two separate issues. (1) Talk to your DS and give him a bit more information about sex - it's age appropriate at this age if done in a factual way, with a bit of context (something only grown-ups do, only if they both really want to and both really like each other). 2) Talk to the school about the other child - detailing all the behaviour, not just the most recent.

It's awful when this happens, I remember something a bit similar with DS at about this age (fortunately without the pulling trousers down/sitting on heads bit). The other child does sound like he's been exposed to some really inappropriate material/possibly groomed or even abused (I hope not).

mankyfourthtoe Mon 14-Oct-19 16:15:17

School need to address this with his parents, he might have daft older siblings who have informed him wrongly, or other things might be going on.
I think you might have to fill in some gaps with your son and tell him it's a conversation to have at home with you, not with his friend in the playground as he'll get in bother.

Mamasaurus82 Mon 14-Oct-19 16:18:18

Speak to safeguarding lead (usually head teacher) about it. It might be that members of staff/ other parents have logged other smallish incidents, but together it might indicate something more- seems he may have watched inappropriate tv/ heard too many inappropriate conversations. Could be more serious.

wanderings Mon 14-Oct-19 16:19:22

I was eight when I first heard the word "sex"; it was a playground word which children used in abundance because it was a bit naughty. I also had a book called "the Body Book", written for children, which described in some detail what parents do to make a baby, and had a picture of one on top of the other, although it didn't actually use the word sex, more "grown-up cuddle with someone you love very much" if I remember rightly. Because I loved quoting from books, I might easily have ended up repeating it in the classroom or the playground if I hadn't been told that such discussion wasn't appropriate, or brought the book in for show and tell. blush I remember overhearing a boy quietly being told to stop stomping round the playground saying "Fee fi fo fum"; I think because of what it rhymed with. There were also some sneaky older children who encouraged younger ones to accidentally make rude gestures (such as circle of finger and thumb with one hand, poke finger on other hand through it).

Some children might be well-informed on the facts of life, but need to be told that such things are not to be talked about in public, even if they might be discussed freely at home.

Northernsoullover Mon 14-Oct-19 16:21:51

A boy in my sons class pinched his nipples and on another occasion rubbed his pencil over his (the boy not my sons) genital area. This was at the end of year 6. In year 7 I went into see the head of year and made it clear that under no circumstances should they be in the same room on a forthcoming residential.
I said I had concerns about the childs behaviour but obviously I'll never know the outcome. I wasn't the only parent to have had issues with him.
What you are describing sounds far more serious so I echo the previous posters. You must speak to the school.

JemSynergy Mon 14-Oct-19 16:25:58

I'd mention it to the school as a safe guarding issue but children will hear all kinds of stuff about sex in the playground. My children's school teach sex ed in year 3 so my son was learning about it by 7 years old and the contents of those lessons usually spread all around the playground.

DC3dilemma Mon 14-Oct-19 16:34:48

@Lima1 you’ll get loads of people telling you that your 8 year old should know all about sex but you know yours best, and the approach of answering questions directly is usually best...I.e. just answering questions and not giving more info than they ask for, that way you tell them stuff they are actually ready to understand.

8 year olds really vary, and there is a lot of variation across the country. I grew up in an urban area and was definitely more aware and streetwise than my 8 year old who has grown up rurally. My 3rd child will probably know more, earlier, than my first.

But as for this other kid, he doesn’t just sound knowledgable, but somewhat sexualised...i’d be a bit concerned.

Lima1 Mon 14-Oct-19 19:58:41

For those of you who gave their children books about sex or gave them full details themselves, did any of them/you describe sex as the genitals "bouncing off each other". DS told me today that that is how the boy described sex.
Clutching at straws that that is where he got this description.

Simkin Tue 15-Oct-19 16:18:04

No. Because it's not accurate is it. 'Bouncing off each other' is more what you would describe if you saw sex without knowing what was actually happening.

It may be that nothing sinister is going on with the kid but if you talk to school you will have done as much as you can do about him anyway.

FrenchJunebug Tue 15-Oct-19 16:45:13

I would be worried about the other child comments and would contact the school. But I would also explain sex and sexual behaviour to my child without waiting for his questions. He is obviously confused and you need to sort this out.

99BehaviourProblems Tue 15-Oct-19 16:54:21

This poor boy has at best been exposed to some very inappropriate material and at worst overly sexual behaviour can be a sign of abuse. I would most certainly report it to the school but also find out what is being done. Because if the school do not take it seriously I would report to SS. Something is not right. And YANBU.

staydazzling Tue 15-Oct-19 17:00:09

its a wierd one, his knowledge seems inappropriate but simultaneously very naiive as he doesn't actually seem to know what sex is, like he's been told by an older very naiive child perhaps?

staydazzling Tue 15-Oct-19 17:04:57

i just thought maybe hes walked in on his parents, or seen something on a film? thats actually pro more likely.

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