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Is DP being unreasonable paying me maintenance before he’s moved out?

(80 Posts)
Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 11:16:19

I am a SAHM, I have some part time work that doesn’t pay much. I gave up a good career as our child has special needs and I provide the professional care. Also we live miles from anywhere so I’m feeling stuck.

Me and DP are separating. However as DSs school is good, we agreed to wait two years as I want to move back to where my family support is and where I can also get back into work. I could find my feet then, but the schools are not as good.

DP does not want to move out, it’s his house, and I cannot, long story but I would not be eligible for housing benefit. DP is very mean with money, he has never let me have access to his bank account and he has a large mortgage on a big house that we don’t really need. He earns a lot of money, a lot, and has a nice car. Which apparently leaves little for anything else, and he’s always complaining that I spend too much on food and house stuff.

Recently he got mad as I paid for a birthday party for DS and had dental work done that I’ve been waiting 2 years for. I asked to go to a social activity group but because we live so far out and I haven’t got a car, I asked him for a lift and he said no I’d have to take the bus there and back. Which is impossible he’d never be home early enough. Now he’s saying that we have to have another chat about money - which means him telling me to spend less. I don’t know what I can do I know he’s amassing a lot of wealth in his house that will stay with him. I’ve said also that DS needs professional therapies as I’m worn out doing everything myself, but it’s like getting blood out of a stone. Once my family gave me money to help out with DS and out of pride I think he gave me £500 for ‘me’ and £500 for DS therapies. I just couldn’t that he doesn’t see these things as a core cost!

His new suggestion is that he pay me a minimal maintenance while I live in the house instead.

I just feel so angry and humiliated. I’ve thought very hard about moving but honestly school is so important (it’s a special needs school) and very hard to get a good one, that I will not leave yet. How do I stay and find this workable?

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 19:04:41

@Schuyler thank you. It’s like he has two layers. One layer of being a good, decent and kind man. Which is absolutely there. And another underneath where he does not see me as a human being. He’s no interest in a relationship, I think he quite likes still living with his son, having me around, but being able to keep all his money, sleep with whoever he likes and answer to no one. How the hell did I get here?

Bellringer Tue 15-Oct-19 19:12:31

Just leave, honestly, it will be better for your boy too.

Shortwinter Fri 18-Oct-19 23:53:14

Just a quick update. Thanks so much for your responses so helpful.

Solicitor has advised to be very wary of DP paying a fixed amount to me whilst living together, as indeed this could set a precedent for maintenance later. So anyone who may potentially be in the same boat take heed!

MrsCBY Sat 19-Oct-19 16:57:19

Good thar you’ve taken advice, Shortwinter.

Couple of your posts stood out for me.

I did contact women’s aid a while ago, I felt kind of a fraud as I do not fear for myself, and DP is in fact very friendly and personable

and

It’s like he has two layers. One layer of being a good, decent and kind man. Which is absolutely there. And another underneath where he does not see me as a human being

This could be said of so, so many abusive men. They are often charming and persuasive, and appear to the outside world as entirely decent people. But it is a front.

Don’t be fooled into thinking his “layer” of being a good human being is “absolutely there” - it’s not. A man who doesn’t fully see (and treat) his partner and the mother of his child as a human being is not good, decent or kind; he really, really isn’t, no matter what other good qualities he may appear to have.

This is financial abuse and control, and that’s a form of emotional abuse too. Most women who are being abused in some way have the same tendency to downplay and minimise it; it’s a normal reaction. But you really do deserve support with this. It might be worth contacting women’s aid again, or doing the freedom programme online.

I think your instincts about getting out and getting away sooner rather than later are sound. The sooner you can get away from this man and back to some financial independence the better; your son will benefit from you being in a better position too, even if the schools aren’t as good. (How do you know that, btw?)

Shortwinter Sat 19-Oct-19 22:00:57

Thank you @MrsCBY I read your advice carefully. I have been on the fence about abuse - but I did read stuff and did find women’s aid helpful. I think the main issue is leaving, and feeling unable to. That’s just not me being helpless, he does make it very difficult but it’s quite hard to pin down. He procrastinated for months about mediation. Told me we had to have it all thrashed out and that I could not leave with the kids until we do. But then hold up having those talks etc... in the meantime I’m stuck as a SAHM and feeling my options narrowing.

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