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Is DP being unreasonable paying me maintenance before he’s moved out?

(80 Posts)
Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 11:16:19

I am a SAHM, I have some part time work that doesn’t pay much. I gave up a good career as our child has special needs and I provide the professional care. Also we live miles from anywhere so I’m feeling stuck.

Me and DP are separating. However as DSs school is good, we agreed to wait two years as I want to move back to where my family support is and where I can also get back into work. I could find my feet then, but the schools are not as good.

DP does not want to move out, it’s his house, and I cannot, long story but I would not be eligible for housing benefit. DP is very mean with money, he has never let me have access to his bank account and he has a large mortgage on a big house that we don’t really need. He earns a lot of money, a lot, and has a nice car. Which apparently leaves little for anything else, and he’s always complaining that I spend too much on food and house stuff.

Recently he got mad as I paid for a birthday party for DS and had dental work done that I’ve been waiting 2 years for. I asked to go to a social activity group but because we live so far out and I haven’t got a car, I asked him for a lift and he said no I’d have to take the bus there and back. Which is impossible he’d never be home early enough. Now he’s saying that we have to have another chat about money - which means him telling me to spend less. I don’t know what I can do I know he’s amassing a lot of wealth in his house that will stay with him. I’ve said also that DS needs professional therapies as I’m worn out doing everything myself, but it’s like getting blood out of a stone. Once my family gave me money to help out with DS and out of pride I think he gave me £500 for ‘me’ and £500 for DS therapies. I just couldn’t that he doesn’t see these things as a core cost!

His new suggestion is that he pay me a minimal maintenance while I live in the house instead.

I just feel so angry and humiliated. I’ve thought very hard about moving but honestly school is so important (it’s a special needs school) and very hard to get a good one, that I will not leave yet. How do I stay and find this workable?

Mistlewoeandwhine Mon 14-Oct-19 11:17:35

Get to a solicitor ASAP!

vickibee Mon 14-Oct-19 11:19:55

have you though about applying for DLA for your child? this would provide help with some of the issues relating to their special needs

Reallynowdear Mon 14-Oct-19 11:20:58

You can't when you both want different things.

Are you going to do all his household chores for him?

Why do you not qualify for benefits of you left?

Butterfly02 Mon 14-Oct-19 11:27:12

Can you apply for dla and carers allowance?
Suggest a solicitor (& cab for benefits advice)?
If your living as 'a lodger' not a couple could you apply for u/credit?
Is the stress of living in the home more detrimental to you and your son than the school move?

Chloemol Mon 14-Oct-19 11:32:43

Go and see a solicitor now.

Bouffalant Mon 14-Oct-19 11:33:12

Hmm, this is the problem with living in a partners house when you're not married.

What does CMS say he should in future be paying you based on his wages?

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 11:38:09

Yep I keep up the house. Do the housework etc. I am getting some benefits for DS, luckily put into my name as DP wanted them in his. Most of the money I spend is for food and things in the house that I find very stressful if they are not fixed - plumbing for example - paid for this when DP said it wasn’t needed - same with boiler being checked every year, it actually needs replacing they say but he won’t.

I saw a good solicitor last year who advised me that indeed DS did need a higher standard of care, I can’t just get any babysitter for example. I guess I shouldn’t agree to any level of ‘maintenance’ without checking with her.

She told me I would have to really prove my case for moving away. It’s all a nightmare to be honest.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 11:41:40

I don’t know about CMS, but the solicitor quoted a rough maintenance which is quite high amount. She said I needed to add up the equivalent costs of professional care, which are huge. DP doesn’t tell me how much he’s earning however I think it’s 80k plus.

AngelsSins Mon 14-Oct-19 11:41:47

God, what a nasty, selfish little prick he is, looking to deprive his own son so that he can keep all his money to himself. Never ceases to amaze me how little men like this care for their own children.

I don’t have much advice, but do get legal help. But I did want to say that you should hold your head up, you’re doing the right thing in cutting this utter waste of space from your life. I also hope you’ve stopped doing anything for him?

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 11:44:14

@angels yes I tried to stop doing anything for him. You know what I just found the stress of being cold too much, and just found it easier to be nice.

Wanting to do an activity club and him saying I’d have to get the bus has upset me so much. However I do go back ‘home’ to my area very regularly. Keeps me sane.

Ponoka7 Mon 14-Oct-19 11:51:13

You need to make a Solicitors appointment for as soon as you can.

You've got an excellent case for moving away.

You need to tell her everything including the boiler situation and him not giving you lifts.

It's all abusive behaviour towards both of you, on his part.

daisychain01 Mon 14-Oct-19 11:55:23

Can you try to get your foot back into the workplace, even if p/t. Your 'D'P sounds deeply unpleasant and what he's doing is in the financial abuse zone.

If he is earning at that high level, then you need to push for the specialise care for your (joint!) DS, to enable you to become financially independent from him and find somewhere else to live.

You wouldn't want to stay tied to him a day longer than necessary.

NoSquirrels Mon 14-Oct-19 11:58:47

She told me I would have to really prove my case for moving away.

This sounds odd to me? Your relationship has broken down, he is leaving the house unheated/essential maintenance undone e.g. boiler not serviced, and you are isolated because you cannot travel without DP's permission and assistance.

AlternativePerspective Mon 14-Oct-19 12:04:27

This is really difficult.

You’re not together and he owns the house. If you moved away he would have to pay you maintenance and that would be all, and without any implied judgement this is unfortunately one of the downsides of not being married because if you split then you have very few rights.

I would see a solicitor with regards to moving away rather than stick it out for two years.

Bibidy Mon 14-Oct-19 12:05:22

To be honest OP, I think if you're separated then I'd just accept the maintenance. Presumably that's better than the nothing you're getting now, since he doesn't give you access to his bank account anyway?

It sounds like you will be better off financially once you've split officially as he will need to give you a fair amount based on his earnings, and that's legally enforceable.

It's very difficult but it's better if you can start getting used to the change now - for example, he won't be giving you lifts to social activity groups. If he starts giving you maintenance, perhaps you can put it aside and get yourself a car, and this will give you a lot of freedom and independence back.

Bibidy Mon 14-Oct-19 12:07:17

I think if your separated then, as hard as it may be, he doesn't really need to continue to pay for things as he was when you were together - maintenance is all you are likely to get going forward.

Not that it sounds like he pays for much as it is! How do you pay for food, things for the house etc if you're not working and he doesn't give you access to his money?

averythinline Mon 14-Oct-19 12:16:49

how far away is your ds school ? could you apply for transport from the council ? from where you want to move to... are there no schools near there (I know special schools are hard to find that is often why transport is paid_)
It doesn't sound feasible for you to stay there for 2 years but would suggest you go to CAB and claim universal credit as you are seperated...and check how much that works
you get extra allowance for a DC with DLA..He doesnt have to give you any money at all ... but does need maintenance - he sounds horrible so would do officially via CMS - it is not counted

if you wouldnt get HB - you must have some resources can they be used differently??

Bellringer Mon 14-Oct-19 12:19:17

Be sure the maintainance is enough, what you are entitled to. Get legal advice, take him to the cleaners. You should be able to claim benefits as a single parent even if sharing the house as seperate households.
Women's aid may help, this is financial abuse.
Move as soon as you can. Contact local council or shelter about housing

timshelthechoice Mon 14-Oct-19 12:23:33

You need to see a solicitor. Because you're unmarried, you're at a real disadvantage, but if you have no assets you should be able to claim UC by leaving him. You're being financially abused.

Lovemenorca Mon 14-Oct-19 12:24:09

Solicitor OP. ASAP

I don’t think he was unreasonable not to drive you to a social activity though. You are not together.

I hope you’re not cooking etc for him?

timshelthechoice Mon 14-Oct-19 12:24:34

Get legal advice, take him to the cleaners.

Without being married and not on the house, she won't get far with that.

Lovemenorca Mon 14-Oct-19 12:27:37

How are you getting to work? DS to school? Grocery shopping? Going back to your home town?
If you live in middle of no where and don’t drive

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 12:30:22

My solicitor said he could claim that I was not as able to look after child as I was not as financially stable as him, and that his residence was the child’s usual residence and that she’s seen fathers fighting mothers moving away and going to 50/50 just to stop this. DP has already warned me he’d go for custody or joint custody.

My solicitor said that better finances by moving away I,e, I could get a job is one of my best arguments. It scares me completely DP fighting for custody as he has no intention of cutting down his work hours and would give DS to his family to look after. They all hate me and I’ve low level bullying concerns and major safety concerns about his cousins towards him it makes me feel sick just thinking about it. At least now even though I’ve not much of a life I am able to totally 100% care for DS.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 12:33:53

@lovenemorca I get online shopping, can walk or bus to DSs medical appointments and activities. There’s no way I could afford a car now or if I move out but at least by moving I could build up to a place where I reckon I could have a stable house, mortgage in 5 years, car after that therapies for DS when I go full time. I have a plan.

WhoKnewBeefStew Mon 14-Oct-19 12:34:40

See another solicitor op, finances come way down the list of priorities when a judge looks at custody and even the % of access. As the sahp you do the majority of childcare so it's highly unlikely a judge would give 50/50 if your dh won't reduce hours etc.

MrsCBY Mon 14-Oct-19 12:35:13

Is there a reason why you can’t move out into your own place but stay in the same area for two years for the school? Then presumably you’d be eligible for benefits and he’d have to pay CM too. And you wouldn’t have to live with the fucker.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 12:36:38

@bellringer and others yes I’ve asked him to talk to me about finances by email this time, so that I have some proof of his limitations on me. But he has refused. I do need to build a picture of how difficult this is here.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 12:39:38

@MrsCBY yes there is a reason I can’t move out but stay in the same place however it would be too outing to say. Apologies not being obtuse. Also, in addition I am worried this would then go against me when I do want to move back home, as he will then have a much better argument to have more custody with his family near - who are awful.

Idontwanttotalk Mon 14-Oct-19 13:07:59

DP is NBU in paying maintenance before he's moved out. But he isn't moving out is he?

The two of you need to set some proper boundaries if you are to remain in the same house.

If you only receive benefits for your son and money from part time work then it might be worth accepting a maintenance payment as his financial contribution towards looking after your son.
You will need to discuss DP's input regarding maintaining your son in terms of him looking after him in other ways too.

If you are separating/separated you should not have any expectations of him giving you lifts anywhere or contributing anything to looking after you. In divorces it is worth noting that generally partners/spouses do not get maintenance for themselves.

I would cease to do anything for DP such as cooking, washing, ironing (unless he employs you to do these things and you have a contract and he pays you in accordance with that contract). Obviously don't share a bedroom and don't have sex with him.

As your DP has told you he'd go for joint custody (and why not, he is the child's father so that wouldn't be unfair would it?) I would prepare for that worst case scenario. If he got that then you'd presumably have your child 50:50 and it would be unlikely either of you would pay the other any maintenance for your child.

Get a plan for returning to work full time and re-gaining your financial independence.

PhilipJennings Mon 14-Oct-19 14:05:45

OP, I know you would never leave DS behind and you would always put him first.

But do you think it would open your ex DP's eyes a bit if he thought you would move out alone?

Sit him down one day and say "I've decided, I'm moving out. I can't afford to take DS and it's better with his additional needs if he stays with the parent with a roof over his head. I'll need to work, so I won't be able to be a SAHM to him anyway. Once I have a job, we can use the CMS calculator to work out what I should be paying you towards childcare and maintenance."

See if that changes his views!!

Lovemenorca Mon 14-Oct-19 14:08:29

Please please ignore @PhilipJennings

This is no time for playing games or bluffing.

Ated Mon 14-Oct-19 14:39:47

Get serious advice from a solicitor. Think on the costs of the need for a professional carer against ad hoc family members and the fathers indifference towards his son and your pay as the primary carer. Alive in carer would elicit a wage of £400.00 + per week. Cleaning and other general duties in 'his' house would cost at least £350.00 more. As your child gets older transport will be necessary so a car bought for you to take your child out would be another requirement. Accommodation elsewhere for your child and you may be necessary to stop the awkwardness and a house for you both should be on the list of needs. Make sure your solicitor gets the best team possible, including a barrister to make your case and go for everything.

lyralalala Mon 14-Oct-19 15:24:27

I think you really need to give careful consideration to the fact that if you live there, while separated, then that will be seen as the status quo.
While he's saying he's ok with you moving then you should move. If he withdraws that he could force you through court and it could be a pain in the arse and expensive.

Is he self employed or employed? That will make a difference when it comes to the maintenance process. CMS are beyond useless with self employed people.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 15:37:33

Thank you so much for your advice. It makes me feel less alone and that other people do care. Thank you smile

I did once ask him as a way of trying to get him to see my point of view, that hypothetically would he give up work and become DSs professional carer? And if so, what would he then think is fair as I took over the mortgage. He said I wouldn’t earn as much so why even think it.

I do have to be careful. I would fight tooth and nail to have full custody and would never agree to 50/50. He won’t reduce his hours, would leave DS with his family who have no idea, and would use it to stop me moving back to my home where I can get myself back on my feet. The solicitor said it’s highly unlikely he’d get custody.

Of course I don’t want rely on him for lifts. However I am sacrificing a lot just to stay here for DSs school but am increasingly feeling that it’s not worth it. The stress and isolation are too much.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 15:38:50

He’s employed. Luckily. However he has hidden some money with bitcoin!

RandomMess Mon 14-Oct-19 17:10:30

Are you in the UK?

Even whilst sharing a house you can claim as a single parent..,

Buscake Mon 14-Oct-19 17:14:18

If your son is at special school then he must have an ehcp. He will qualify for free transport when you move

Purpleartichoke Mon 14-Oct-19 17:22:56

Him paying maintenance might be better because that way you don’t have to ask him for money.

However, it needs to be done with a solicitor and negotiated properly. You also have to absolutely stop spending any money on maintaining the home. You should agree on a cleaning rota, but he will never follow it, so just commit to cleaning the kitchen and whatever areas of the house you and your child actually use. If possible, even make a plan for house sharing that divides the space into yours, his, and communal.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 17:46:17

@buscake move would be out of area for the school though it is to another authority.

Buscake Mon 14-Oct-19 17:50:09

The new LA would take over the ehcp. If that is the school named, they would have to provide transport. It is also very unlikely for there to be a space in one of their special schools, so I can’t see them arguing this

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 17:51:57

It is 100 miles away that I would be moving, so I don’t think it would work. However thanks for the suggestion.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 17:53:05

Funny none of us would ever think we’d end up like this when we fall in love do we? sad

quincejamplease Mon 14-Oct-19 17:58:42

Are you separating because he's financially abusive? Or did that start afterwards?

The "I'll fight for sole custody if you try to leave" is so depressingly predictable as a threat from an abusive man.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 18:04:46

He cheated on me while I was pregnant. I forgave him, but every time things were getting good again, as in I suggested that we go out as a couple, he’d say ‘it’s not working for him’ out of the blue and I became quite anxious and confused. Wondering if we were actually together or not. He’d get cross about money often but that isn’t the main problem. The last straw was when he told me he didn’t love me, or even like me, that I was controlling, had a problem and needed help.

SunniDay Mon 14-Oct-19 18:37:32

Hi OP,
Is "moving home" still in this country? (sorry if I have missed that info)

If It is in this country and you could move in with family why not apply for a school place for your child and if you get a place then move.

Ated Mon 14-Oct-19 18:48:23

Some of the new laws regarding domestic abuse now apply to attitudes, deprivation of resources and other things. It may be worthwhile asking a good solicitor/barrister these questions.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 21:05:35

Thanks I’ve contacted someone from the local authority who will contact me later in the week about schools.

I did bring up some stuff with the solicitor about the stress of my situation, being trapped and also some concerns about his family around my son. She didn’t want to focus on it at the time but I should list some of this. I did contact women’s aid a while ago, I felt kind of a fraud as I do not fear for myself, and DP is in fact very friendly and personable. However if I ever try to leave or build independence or have a life I find it’s quite difficult.

DonnaPaulsenSpecter Mon 14-Oct-19 22:36:22

I think if your separated then, as hard as it may be, he doesn't really need to continue to pay for things as he was when you were together

Exactly, and if you were in opposite situations, everyone would be calling him a cocklodger.

If you're separating I think you need to begin to work out how you can leave his home and also arrange a way to co-parent. He does not need to provide YOU with any standard of living, he only has duty towards his child.

Had you been the one who owned the house, most would have told you to kick him out already.

DonnaPaulsenSpecter Mon 14-Oct-19 22:38:44

However if I ever try to leave or build independence or have a life I find it’s quite difficult.

So you just want to use him then? Discuss ways to co-parent and find yourself a place that you can afford.

What happens when he meets someone else? You cannot stay in his home forever, you need to begin planning an alternative residence for yourself and work out how you and him will parent your child so that he is least affected.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 23:55:30

@DonnaPaulsenSpecter Co parenting?! He’s not prepared to cut down his work at all and look after our child. The only reason he can work is because of me looking after our child full time. I would love to get back to work and my own house. Do you think I’m doing this for my own benefit?! I’m going to be caring for DS for the rest of my life. Whilst DP can swan about in his big house and pretend he actually gives a crap.

DonnaPaulsenSpecter Tue 15-Oct-19 00:03:13

Then take your child and leave, but you two would certainly have to come to some form of an arrangement, whatever it may be that works for you both. However expecting him to subsidise your lifestyle is not his responsibility, nor should it be. Furthermore, you cannot remain in his home long-term now the relationship has ended. Like I said before, had you been in opposite situations, he would have been called a cocklodger.

Depending on your child and his disability there is a lot of help out there available to you so I would advise that you take a look and see what help you can get. Also apply for the maintenance through the right channels so that he is paying for the care of his child.

Furthermore, if you do wish to go back to work, there may be further options for you as well. I would suggest you seriously contact a CAB and discuss your situation as they can certainly point you in the right direction and get you everything you should be entitled to.

NoSquirrels Tue 15-Oct-19 00:11:35

DonnerPaulson Did you properly read and comprehend the thread? It’s not spelled out explicitly but it’s clear the OP has major concerns about her disabled DC being left in the care of unsuitable people.

there is a reason I can’t move out but stay in the same place however it would be too outing to say. Apologies not being obtuse. Also, in addition I am worried this would then go against me when I do want to move back home, as he will then have a much better argument to have more custody with his family near - who are awful.

There you go. Re-read the thread. I saw other mentions to clue you in.

Very unfair to accuse OP of “using” her DC’s father. She clearly cannot just accept 50-50 custody.

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 00:14:51

@donna That is just the worst advice I’ve had on here. Of course I know about benefits. I’ll just uproot my child ASAP from the school and move now? It would be the best thing for me personally. Not for DS but it’s child that matters eh?As long as I’m not a cocklodger that is the main thing.

DonnaPaulsenSpecter Tue 15-Oct-19 00:15:23

@NoSquirrels Thank you but I'm fine with my reading comprehension and I stand by what I stated.

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 00:19:34

@NoSquirrels thanks.

DonnaPaulsenSpecter Tue 15-Oct-19 00:19:51

OP, informing you about looking for further advice to get help with your current situation is the worst advice? Lol, okay then.

No one said you need to uproot your child to a new school, but that there certainly is other help you can get from authorities to help you with your current circumstances with housing and additional help to support you. How you can take that as offensive is beyond me.

But you are right, being a cocklodger is never a good thing. Long term staying with the ex is not feasible, what would happen when he or you find someone else? How will this impact your mental health etc.

Nonetheless, I do stand by the comment that he should not subsidise your lifestyle, but he certainly has responsibility towards his son and that is why I said to go through the right channels and get something in place so that he is.

But you go ahead and get offended.

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 00:21:38

@DonnaPaulsenSpecter I’m not coming to any arrangement that does not put DSs well being in the centre. Or does the child’s wellbeing not be the centre of decisions any more? Especially a very vulnerable one.

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 00:25:35

You just haven’t read my thread and called me a cocklodger. And that if only I wasn’t so uninformed and went to CAB I’d be fine. So yeah, pretty offended. If I took your advice I’d have no home, and DS would be looked after by ILs who basically dont care or see that he is bullied by their kids and tell him to run into the road etc as it’s funny.

NoSquirrels Tue 15-Oct-19 00:26:34

Nonetheless, I do stand by the comment that he should not subsidise your lifestyle, but he certainly has responsibility towards his son and that is why I said to go through the right channels and get something in place so that he is.

It’s perfectly good advice in general, Donna. But not in specific OP’s situation.

I asked - why did your solicitor advise that, sounds odd. OP says - if I move and my DP goes for 50-50 contact and he will leave DC in his family’s care then my disabled DS will be unsafe.

Read it again.

mumwon Tue 15-Oct-19 00:39:55

op has protected her ds privacy by not disclosing his form of disability - it could be quite complex & he needs therapies plural - which is time consuming & as she stated she has to travel & dc father wont help wont pay. So who is she going to get who is qualified to care & who feels able to & would most likely charge higher fees. Obviously the person who has stated she is living off her dh has not had to deal with a dc in this position. However I would advise that you need more advice on claiming state funding, If your dc has a specific condition (like epilepsy, or Downs, or Cerebral Palsy, Autism,etc) I suggest you go to the Charity concerned & ask for advice about benefits. Your husband is financially abusing you (&/or ) your dc

ExhaustedFlamingo Tue 15-Oct-19 02:49:08

Loads of advice here but can I just return to the subject of how in-laws (and partner too??) treat your son. When you're finally able to move out, while you're not preventing contact you don't want joint custody due to very genuine concerns over your son's wellbeing. Can you start collecting evidence of the things they say/do which show a lack of understanding/care towards your child.

If you're able to present a case which proves that they're not the loving, caring family they purport to be, and don't understand your son's particular needs you'll be in a much stronger position. Plan, plan and plan ahead to gather what you need. I've got an SEN child in special school so completely appreciate your concerns.

Another random thought - presumably your child is changing school in two years, hence the time-scale? Have you thought about home-schooling him for two years? Lots of SEN families do it and you'll probably find a big community in the area if you look. Also means you don't have to put up with this shit for two years.

RandomMess Tue 15-Oct-19 09:10:50

If a person provides life long care for their disabled child (that goes to a specialist school and has therapies so urm yeah clearly needing a lot of care) by default they cannot be a cocklodger because you know the reason they can only be available to do a part time poorly paid role is because they have this time consuming responsibility already!

A cocklodger provided nothing of value no money and no caring role...

I'm sure the Op would love to have a child that could use mainstream childcare and go back to her well paid career and not be reliant on her ex. Instead she has a life of poverty being a carer for her DC.

Bellringer Tue 15-Oct-19 11:49:30

Women's aid deal with domestic abuse, including financial. I hope they can advise about your housing benefit situation, or try shelter. It can't be right that you have no money and no access to benefit. I presume you have thought about having lodger etc to help with costs, maybe babysitting, when you move

averythinline Tue 15-Oct-19 13:55:18

Are you sure there are no schools on the area you want to go to that can meet ds needs?
Maybe call and talk to the Sen department in your new area ... families move all the time even those with children with complex needs

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 14:34:38

Thanks so much @averythinline @Bellringer @RandomMess @ExhaustedFlamingo @mumwon and @NoSquirrels I was actually in tears reading your posts today. It means so much to me that you’ve bothered to write, it gives me quite a bit of strength. smile

My solicitor is in court all this week but I emailed her, and as I did so I realized the most worrying thing - he’s withdrawing his access to finances just before he’s said he wants to sort out separation / access / custody agreement. So I may have no money to pay for my solicitor who is really good! I know I could get legal aid but he can pick anyone he wants. He’d originally said he would pay all my solicitor fees and I believed him. So of course it makes sense now. We’ve been living like this for 2 years already, so why now? I feel totally stitched up. angry

Yes I’d definable home school, and there are schools in home area, just not as good and worried not managing some aspects would send him right back when We’ve made so much progress already, that is one thing DP agrees on, that I make a huge difference to his son.

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 14:52:24

@Bellringer yes once I move I can absolutely find my feet through things like lodgers. I wanted to have lodgers here but DP will not allow it. Once I move, I have a plan with family and friends, first few years will be tough and I may need to juggle work / home schooling therapies for DS etc - however I have plans to share a mortgage with someone, and if I can make sure DS is happy and progressing well, then I have a good CV (big old) and qualifications, and will build it up so that in 5 years I am stable.

@ExhaustedFlamingo really good point. I’ve messaged DP with my concerns about ILs - so there is a record - as they arise - but I’m worried it will come down to he said, she said. DS did have an unexplained cut one time, and said his cousin hurt him. DP said I was making it up.

I have contact with SS as is normal with his special needs, and said I had concerns to them with ILs however they didn’t seem concerned! Although for the past year DS has had very, very little contact with them. Because DS time is now filled with activities and I don’t let him play with ILs unsupervised. Last few times their kids were there and it was clear to me they were bullying DS, taking his IPad, playing really rough games involving hitting, telling DS to do exactly what they wanted - I obviously intervened each time but amazingly, DP did not seem to even notice. No one did.

GrumpiestCat Tue 15-Oct-19 15:23:55

Solicitor now and initiate divorce and a financial order. You will be substantially and significantly better off. He's stalling and controlling you. End it!

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 15:30:32

@GrumpiestCat thanks but unfortunately not married. Obviously if I did it again...

GrumpiestCat Tue 15-Oct-19 15:39:37

Ah bugger was reading on the run and not paying attention. I do think he's trying it on so I hope you find a way out that's fair on you

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 16:09:17

Thanks. I keep making the mistake of thinking we can sort this out reasonably. I need to hang on to my solicitor and sadly maybe I do need to just move very soon despite school. It is a shame as they really get DS and he’s made his first ever friend. I’ve worked very hard with the teachers to get tailored support and he’s thriving. You can replicate that and I wanted just a couple of years for DS to progress.

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 16:11:40

You can’t replicate that I meant... it’s taken me three years to get to this with DS, nearly 2 years waiting list for school and 1 year working with the teachers.

RandomMess Tue 15-Oct-19 16:13:53

It's really shit that you are being penalised by your ex by putting DS first thanks

OhioOhioOhio Tue 15-Oct-19 16:24:45

Omg. He's a prick. You need a solicitor. Now.

Schuyler Tue 15-Oct-19 18:45:41

Oh love, he’s done a right number on you. flowers what a nasty odious little turd. He’s backed you into a corner and using your son as a weapon. From what you’ve said, you clearly have acted in your son’s best interests to the detriment of your own while he lives the life of riley.

Sadly, there isn’t lots of help out there for parents of children with additional needs. It’s really tough. It sounds like you’re taking all the right steps e.g. seeing a solicitor.

I’m sorry I don’t have any specific advice but I wanted to say you are not unreasonable and you are acting like a loving, caring parent. I cannot see how you’re going to live with a man who treats you so badly, it’ll really hurt you emotionally. You deserve better.

Shortwinter Tue 15-Oct-19 19:04:41

@Schuyler thank you. It’s like he has two layers. One layer of being a good, decent and kind man. Which is absolutely there. And another underneath where he does not see me as a human being. He’s no interest in a relationship, I think he quite likes still living with his son, having me around, but being able to keep all his money, sleep with whoever he likes and answer to no one. How the hell did I get here?

Bellringer Tue 15-Oct-19 19:12:31

Just leave, honestly, it will be better for your boy too.

Shortwinter Fri 18-Oct-19 23:53:14

Just a quick update. Thanks so much for your responses so helpful.

Solicitor has advised to be very wary of DP paying a fixed amount to me whilst living together, as indeed this could set a precedent for maintenance later. So anyone who may potentially be in the same boat take heed!

MrsCBY Sat 19-Oct-19 16:57:19

Good thar you’ve taken advice, Shortwinter.

Couple of your posts stood out for me.

I did contact women’s aid a while ago, I felt kind of a fraud as I do not fear for myself, and DP is in fact very friendly and personable


It’s like he has two layers. One layer of being a good, decent and kind man. Which is absolutely there. And another underneath where he does not see me as a human being

This could be said of so, so many abusive men. They are often charming and persuasive, and appear to the outside world as entirely decent people. But it is a front.

Don’t be fooled into thinking his “layer” of being a good human being is “absolutely there” - it’s not. A man who doesn’t fully see (and treat) his partner and the mother of his child as a human being is not good, decent or kind; he really, really isn’t, no matter what other good qualities he may appear to have.

This is financial abuse and control, and that’s a form of emotional abuse too. Most women who are being abused in some way have the same tendency to downplay and minimise it; it’s a normal reaction. But you really do deserve support with this. It might be worth contacting women’s aid again, or doing the freedom programme online.

I think your instincts about getting out and getting away sooner rather than later are sound. The sooner you can get away from this man and back to some financial independence the better; your son will benefit from you being in a better position too, even if the schools aren’t as good. (How do you know that, btw?)

Shortwinter Sat 19-Oct-19 22:00:57

Thank you @MrsCBY I read your advice carefully. I have been on the fence about abuse - but I did read stuff and did find women’s aid helpful. I think the main issue is leaving, and feeling unable to. That’s just not me being helpless, he does make it very difficult but it’s quite hard to pin down. He procrastinated for months about mediation. Told me we had to have it all thrashed out and that I could not leave with the kids until we do. But then hold up having those talks etc... in the meantime I’m stuck as a SAHM and feeling my options narrowing.

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