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Is DP being unreasonable paying me maintenance before he’s moved out?

(80 Posts)
Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 11:16:19

I am a SAHM, I have some part time work that doesn’t pay much. I gave up a good career as our child has special needs and I provide the professional care. Also we live miles from anywhere so I’m feeling stuck.

Me and DP are separating. However as DSs school is good, we agreed to wait two years as I want to move back to where my family support is and where I can also get back into work. I could find my feet then, but the schools are not as good.

DP does not want to move out, it’s his house, and I cannot, long story but I would not be eligible for housing benefit. DP is very mean with money, he has never let me have access to his bank account and he has a large mortgage on a big house that we don’t really need. He earns a lot of money, a lot, and has a nice car. Which apparently leaves little for anything else, and he’s always complaining that I spend too much on food and house stuff.

Recently he got mad as I paid for a birthday party for DS and had dental work done that I’ve been waiting 2 years for. I asked to go to a social activity group but because we live so far out and I haven’t got a car, I asked him for a lift and he said no I’d have to take the bus there and back. Which is impossible he’d never be home early enough. Now he’s saying that we have to have another chat about money - which means him telling me to spend less. I don’t know what I can do I know he’s amassing a lot of wealth in his house that will stay with him. I’ve said also that DS needs professional therapies as I’m worn out doing everything myself, but it’s like getting blood out of a stone. Once my family gave me money to help out with DS and out of pride I think he gave me £500 for ‘me’ and £500 for DS therapies. I just couldn’t that he doesn’t see these things as a core cost!

His new suggestion is that he pay me a minimal maintenance while I live in the house instead.

I just feel so angry and humiliated. I’ve thought very hard about moving but honestly school is so important (it’s a special needs school) and very hard to get a good one, that I will not leave yet. How do I stay and find this workable?

Mistlewoeandwhine Mon 14-Oct-19 11:17:35

Get to a solicitor ASAP!

vickibee Mon 14-Oct-19 11:19:55

have you though about applying for DLA for your child? this would provide help with some of the issues relating to their special needs

Reallynowdear Mon 14-Oct-19 11:20:58

You can't when you both want different things.

Are you going to do all his household chores for him?

Why do you not qualify for benefits of you left?

Butterfly02 Mon 14-Oct-19 11:27:12

Can you apply for dla and carers allowance?
Suggest a solicitor (& cab for benefits advice)?
If your living as 'a lodger' not a couple could you apply for u/credit?
Is the stress of living in the home more detrimental to you and your son than the school move?

Chloemol Mon 14-Oct-19 11:32:43

Go and see a solicitor now.

Bouffalant Mon 14-Oct-19 11:33:12

Hmm, this is the problem with living in a partners house when you're not married.

What does CMS say he should in future be paying you based on his wages?

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 11:38:09

Yep I keep up the house. Do the housework etc. I am getting some benefits for DS, luckily put into my name as DP wanted them in his. Most of the money I spend is for food and things in the house that I find very stressful if they are not fixed - plumbing for example - paid for this when DP said it wasn’t needed - same with boiler being checked every year, it actually needs replacing they say but he won’t.

I saw a good solicitor last year who advised me that indeed DS did need a higher standard of care, I can’t just get any babysitter for example. I guess I shouldn’t agree to any level of ‘maintenance’ without checking with her.

She told me I would have to really prove my case for moving away. It’s all a nightmare to be honest.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 11:41:40

I don’t know about CMS, but the solicitor quoted a rough maintenance which is quite high amount. She said I needed to add up the equivalent costs of professional care, which are huge. DP doesn’t tell me how much he’s earning however I think it’s 80k plus.

AngelsSins Mon 14-Oct-19 11:41:47

God, what a nasty, selfish little prick he is, looking to deprive his own son so that he can keep all his money to himself. Never ceases to amaze me how little men like this care for their own children.

I don’t have much advice, but do get legal help. But I did want to say that you should hold your head up, you’re doing the right thing in cutting this utter waste of space from your life. I also hope you’ve stopped doing anything for him?

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 11:44:14

@angels yes I tried to stop doing anything for him. You know what I just found the stress of being cold too much, and just found it easier to be nice.

Wanting to do an activity club and him saying I’d have to get the bus has upset me so much. However I do go back ‘home’ to my area very regularly. Keeps me sane.

Ponoka7 Mon 14-Oct-19 11:51:13

You need to make a Solicitors appointment for as soon as you can.

You've got an excellent case for moving away.

You need to tell her everything including the boiler situation and him not giving you lifts.

It's all abusive behaviour towards both of you, on his part.

daisychain01 Mon 14-Oct-19 11:55:23

Can you try to get your foot back into the workplace, even if p/t. Your 'D'P sounds deeply unpleasant and what he's doing is in the financial abuse zone.

If he is earning at that high level, then you need to push for the specialise care for your (joint!) DS, to enable you to become financially independent from him and find somewhere else to live.

You wouldn't want to stay tied to him a day longer than necessary.

NoSquirrels Mon 14-Oct-19 11:58:47

She told me I would have to really prove my case for moving away.

This sounds odd to me? Your relationship has broken down, he is leaving the house unheated/essential maintenance undone e.g. boiler not serviced, and you are isolated because you cannot travel without DP's permission and assistance.

AlternativePerspective Mon 14-Oct-19 12:04:27

This is really difficult.

You’re not together and he owns the house. If you moved away he would have to pay you maintenance and that would be all, and without any implied judgement this is unfortunately one of the downsides of not being married because if you split then you have very few rights.

I would see a solicitor with regards to moving away rather than stick it out for two years.

Bibidy Mon 14-Oct-19 12:05:22

To be honest OP, I think if you're separated then I'd just accept the maintenance. Presumably that's better than the nothing you're getting now, since he doesn't give you access to his bank account anyway?

It sounds like you will be better off financially once you've split officially as he will need to give you a fair amount based on his earnings, and that's legally enforceable.

It's very difficult but it's better if you can start getting used to the change now - for example, he won't be giving you lifts to social activity groups. If he starts giving you maintenance, perhaps you can put it aside and get yourself a car, and this will give you a lot of freedom and independence back.

Bibidy Mon 14-Oct-19 12:07:17

I think if your separated then, as hard as it may be, he doesn't really need to continue to pay for things as he was when you were together - maintenance is all you are likely to get going forward.

Not that it sounds like he pays for much as it is! How do you pay for food, things for the house etc if you're not working and he doesn't give you access to his money?

averythinline Mon 14-Oct-19 12:16:49

how far away is your ds school ? could you apply for transport from the council ? from where you want to move to... are there no schools near there (I know special schools are hard to find that is often why transport is paid_)
It doesn't sound feasible for you to stay there for 2 years but would suggest you go to CAB and claim universal credit as you are seperated...and check how much that works
you get extra allowance for a DC with DLA..He doesnt have to give you any money at all ... but does need maintenance - he sounds horrible so would do officially via CMS - it is not counted

if you wouldnt get HB - you must have some resources can they be used differently??

Bellringer Mon 14-Oct-19 12:19:17

Be sure the maintainance is enough, what you are entitled to. Get legal advice, take him to the cleaners. You should be able to claim benefits as a single parent even if sharing the house as seperate households.
Women's aid may help, this is financial abuse.
Move as soon as you can. Contact local council or shelter about housing

timshelthechoice Mon 14-Oct-19 12:23:33

You need to see a solicitor. Because you're unmarried, you're at a real disadvantage, but if you have no assets you should be able to claim UC by leaving him. You're being financially abused.

Lovemenorca Mon 14-Oct-19 12:24:09

Solicitor OP. ASAP

I don’t think he was unreasonable not to drive you to a social activity though. You are not together.

I hope you’re not cooking etc for him?

timshelthechoice Mon 14-Oct-19 12:24:34

Get legal advice, take him to the cleaners.

Without being married and not on the house, she won't get far with that.

Lovemenorca Mon 14-Oct-19 12:27:37

How are you getting to work? DS to school? Grocery shopping? Going back to your home town?
If you live in middle of no where and don’t drive

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 12:30:22

My solicitor said he could claim that I was not as able to look after child as I was not as financially stable as him, and that his residence was the child’s usual residence and that she’s seen fathers fighting mothers moving away and going to 50/50 just to stop this. DP has already warned me he’d go for custody or joint custody.

My solicitor said that better finances by moving away I,e, I could get a job is one of my best arguments. It scares me completely DP fighting for custody as he has no intention of cutting down his work hours and would give DS to his family to look after. They all hate me and I’ve low level bullying concerns and major safety concerns about his cousins towards him it makes me feel sick just thinking about it. At least now even though I’ve not much of a life I am able to totally 100% care for DS.

Shortwinter Mon 14-Oct-19 12:33:53

@lovenemorca I get online shopping, can walk or bus to DSs medical appointments and activities. There’s no way I could afford a car now or if I move out but at least by moving I could build up to a place where I reckon I could have a stable house, mortgage in 5 years, car after that therapies for DS when I go full time. I have a plan.

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