Free holiday trip - ungrateful CF?

Penguinwaddle1985 · 2019-10-13 19:06:14

I’m hoping that you could please give me some perspective and let me know whether or not I’m being unreasonable. I’m 7 months pregnant. My DP has made a big deal about taking me on ‘holiday’ before the baby arrives because we won’t get the chance once we are new parents. This didn’t come from me. His sister suggested it. He insisted and assured me it was his treat. Money isn’t tight for him (he’s on double my income). I accepted the generous offer. I will also add this was our first holiday together. We’ve both had a lot going on and a holiday or weekend away just simply has not been possible. Taking time off was a big deal for me. In the lead up to maternity leave I’ve been very busy at work and didn’t want to take any time off as I want to use all my leave for the Christmas period - when the baby arrives. Money is a big issue for me at present as I’m trying to clear a credit card debt before the baby arrives and not getting very far. Just when I make a significant dent - something just as significant crops back up (car accident, vehicle repairs, unexpected fines, medical cost, maternity wardrobe). My DP booked his annual leave over the school holidays as this was the only time convenient to him. I accepted this. Thankfully, my boss permitted me last minute leave - which is something I was very appreciative of. I didn’t apply sooner, because we didn’t have anywhere booked. My DP was hesitant to book anything, instead insisting I tell him where I want to go (this is relevant). I told him a city I liked, he then suggested another city I’ve never been to before. I said there was nothing happening in that city for the weekend he had planned and it seemed a shame to spend so much on flights. I then suggested something closer to home (a shorter flight and also cheaper). It turns out all the flights are more expensive when you book last minute in the school holidays. However, the flights to the city I suggested were only $100 more. Which is why I thought it would be acceptable. He then decides something even closer to home than that... by car. I book time off work (only 4 days annual leave but we also have 2 days of the weekend). So almost a week off work. We ended up going a couple of hours away (by car) for 2 nights. Here is my concern and I feel terrible for being ungrateful, but I feel so very very let down. The place he booked wasn’t particularly nice. It was budget family accommodation. It was neat and clean, but it wasn’t nice, particularly given he’s saved money on the flights as we drove. I didn’t envisage luxury given the touristy destination and I acknowledge costs for accommodation was quite high given the school holidays (and it being very much a place people visit on the weekends). We didn’t eat out at anywhere particularly fancy. Prior to leaving he said he was just packing casual. I was ok with this - I don’t mind casual at all! We get to the destination and the first thing we do is go for a 4km walk (per his suggestion). I am shuffling like a penguin already. I have hip pain (sciatica) and round ligament pain. I wasn’t dressed for a 4km walk and the weather wasn’t great. But I did it because I didn’t want to complain. You know how you go on holidays and the place is usually nicer than where you really live? This wasn’t the case at all. When he booked the accommodation I suggested he be careful to make sure the bed is big enough (he’s very tall & we have a king sized bed at home). I was prepared for the uncomfortable mattress, I wasn’t prepared for the bed to be so tiny. So there was no sex for the weekend and we both slept terribly. He has a bad back and I am pregnant - so the small bed was definitely an issue. On both evenings away we ended up coming back and watching tv on a tiny sized screen. The place also had a funny smell and was dated. I did not complain the entire time we were away because it was our first trip away and he paid. So it would have been seen as ungrateful and unlikely to have never been repeated again if I had not been thankful. Whilst we driving around he reminisced about an overseas trip he took with his ex wife and he compared the scenery. He made a comment that it was just as well we didn’t take a plane anywhere because it would have been too much for me. It was on this very journey that I contemplated 3 hours in a plane versus 3 hours in a car while he complained I wasn’t entertaining him enough while he drove!! I hate flying but a flight would have been the least objectionable option! Throughout all of this I didn’t complain. The reality was, I had an utterly terrible time and felt really let down. The entire time though, he sought reassurance I was having a good time (it was only two nights away - so I was exhausted at the end of it). But I envisaged a holiday. A nice hotel, something relaxing and doing nothing all day. We did touristy stuff and had meals in pubs, cafes, food trucks and service stations. It was a lot of driving, walking and getting in and out of the car repeatedly. The only nice place we went to was a cafe which I paid for. Given he didn’t sleep well I don’t think he had a good time either; which is why I suspect I had to keep telling him I was having a great time. It’s worth noting I’ve also been to the general area we visited before. But those times were with friends and we could drink, go to the beach and go to nice restaurants. On this occasion, there were grizzly kids, people smoking and coughing and annoying tourists. On the day we drove back, I offered to drive as he was tired. My car is different to his in respect to where the indicators and wipers are and he lost his sh*t and made me get out of the car saying that I was not a confident driver. Eventually, he relented and I drove the car. On the final day we arrived at our activity destination and I had an immediate feeling that the activity wouldn’t be suitable for either of us (we were both exhausted). I even suggested we drive back where we came from and both get a massage as I had seen a sign advertising on the side of the road. He said no. He then had a tantrum whilst we were sat in the car because he was tired. This was for the activity that I said I wasn’t capable of doing. When we walked up to the tour guide he took one look at me and told my DP all the reasons why the activity wasn’t suitable and that physically it wasn’t safe for me. I thanked him for telling me that. I’m so big already that strangers are even commenting on my pregnancy. The tour guide then made a comment to another lady that they didn’t want to have to rescue anyone because it wasn’t fun. I assume it was in reference to me because she then referred me to being pregnant when we walked out. The thing is... I knew this already!! I googled it prior (there was also warning sign out the front and I even pointed out the sign to my DP!) Whilst there was a safer version of this activity - my DP had already been there and visited that particular site when he was last on holiday. Basically we spent the weekend driving, worried about the weather (it rained off and on) and him being sad/tired. When we were driving back home there was a disagreement which was upsetting to both of us. He thought about his ex wife (and the children they never had). When I clarified that I was referring to us having a child together. He then accused me of attacking him - which I certainly did not do. When we got home I explained why I was upset (not about the holiday but about the discussion in the car). He then admitted then that he felt like he didn’t deserve to be a father because he originally did not want to conceive our child in the first place. Something that I thought we had moved on from after a lot of very difficult conversation. He has assured me he wants our child, but it has cropped up yet again. So that was my weekend. I’m now sitting downstairs and crying while he snores upstairs. I’m exhausted, out of pocket (because I needed to buy items for the cold weather that I won’t wear again & also pay for have my pet taken care of) and I’m just feeling emotionally drained and let down. We won’t get another chance to get away before the baby is here. This was it. And I would have been fine with this - but he made such a big deal of getting away! And built it up so much!! I am thinking now of what I would have preferred, which was where I had originally suggested - but a place he declined because of the cost of flights. I feel like I am not important enough to book somewhere nice. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for him to pay an extra $100 on flights, or to take out to a nice restaurant or to even get a massage. I’m sitting here getting more and more resentful. I feel so disappointed because this is an activity we could have (and most likely will do) when our child is here. Budget family accommodation, touristy-outdoor activities. He was the one who said this was the last opportunity- but all the stuff we did was boring family oriented stuff. Stuff that we can do after the baby is here & will be expected to do as he already wants to do a family trip with his siblings and parents next year!!! He’s brought it up a few times already. He’s even keen to do it as this will be the first time he will do it with a child and he has always felt left out. If I stayed at home this weekend I would have paid and got a nice massage somewhere and just taken it easy. The costs to me would have been the same and I wouldn’t be awake crying right now. I’m fantasising about having the option of leaving. But right now, there is no way in hell I can finance looking after a child, plus medical bills. So, I’m posting on mumsnet to get these feelings out so that I don’t continue these feelings with my DP. AIBU? Or should I just be grateful?

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AIBU?

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Hi folks

We need to take this down whilst we take a look behind the scenes.

Thanks for the reports.