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to move my 8 yo DD to private school?

(185 Posts)
Rocktheboot Thu 10-Oct-19 19:51:45

is it mad to put £20k on mortgage to send DD to private to finish yes 5 and 6? reason being she is school refusing due to anxiety (caused by bullying) She can't cope with noisy naughty kids (makes her feel unsafe) and needs lots of attention to stay feeling settled

Bringonspring Thu 10-Oct-19 19:53:13

Is there not another state school she could attend?

apacketofcrisps Thu 10-Oct-19 19:53:59


WrongKindOfFace Thu 10-Oct-19 19:56:40

Will the private school definitely be more accommodating? They can be very reluctant to support children with even a whisper of special needs.

myself2020 Thu 10-Oct-19 19:57:10

If she can’t cope, i don’t see what choice you have...
(we have the same issue- son doesn’t cope with the noisy and crowded state schools around ours, so we pay for private school)

dreichsky Thu 10-Oct-19 19:58:05

This isn't sensible. It is quite possible that your dd would also struggle in private school.
You would be better off trying to find another state school and paying privately for mental health support for her.

pointythings Thu 10-Oct-19 19:58:09

The thing is, you can't afford private school if you need to add to your mortgage to pay for it. And what will you do in secondary? Peace and good behaviour are far from guaranteed.

I would focus on finding an alternative primary, investigating secondaries with a focus on really good pastoral care and possibly some support for your DD's anxiety issues. If you want to add to your mortgage, spend the money on some really good counselling for her.

myself2020 Thu 10-Oct-19 19:58:22

you will find that a lot of kids go to private schools for this (and similar) reasons. ask for bursaries as well!

mbosnz Thu 10-Oct-19 19:58:56

What's going to happen from year 7 on?

Bunnybigears Thu 10-Oct-19 19:58:56

Could you not spend that £20,000 or even less getting her help for her anxiety. You send her to private school for 2 years then she has to go into a big noisy secondary school? Doesnt sound like a great plan to be honest.

PumpkinPie2016 Thu 10-Oct-19 20:05:27

A private school which is smaller may suit her better, however, it doesnt sound financially viable? Adding to a mortgage to pay for school doesn't seem like a good plan.

What will happen for secondary?

If she struggles with noise etc. Can you speak to her current school regarding support for her?

LIZS Thu 10-Oct-19 20:08:04

Behaviour can also be an issue in private schools. 10k pa is cheap but may depend on area and type of school. What are their main destinations at 11?

Rocktheboot Thu 10-Oct-19 20:09:38

she has had extensive counselling. school have given support which has helped, but isn't sustainable due to no resource. All state schools in same situation. all over subscribed. inner city with lots of transient families/kids with extra needs. no, it isn't guaranteed that she would cope in private, but smaller class sizes. MUCH smaller. of course behaviour is better. bursaries kick in for secondary

edwinbear Thu 10-Oct-19 20:17:04

I think she will find it even harder to move back to state after private for secondary. There are no guarantees when it comes to bursaries so if you can’t afford to send her through private secondary as well, it has the potential to make things worse.

WaterSheep Thu 10-Oct-19 20:21:14

bursaries kick in for secondary

Have you checked you'll definitely get a bursary and how much it would actually affect the fees?

Jiggeriepokerie Thu 10-Oct-19 20:21:35


They can be very reluctant to support children with even a whisper of special needs.*

That is absolute rubbish.

Mintjulia Thu 10-Oct-19 20:24:46

Has your dd had a couple of trial days at the independent school. What does she think? What do the teachers there think?

myself2020 Thu 10-Oct-19 20:25:25

@WrongKindOfFace there are quite a lot of private schools who specialise on kids who can’t deal with the noise and crowds in state schools. a substantial number of kids isn’t in private schools because their parents want them to be in them, but because state schools failed them.

WrongKindOfFace Thu 10-Oct-19 20:25:36

Sadly it’s not rubbish. If it’s going to cost them, or will impact on their results, the child with special needs will be out the door.

WrongKindOfFace Thu 10-Oct-19 20:26:49

I do realise that some private school specialise in educating children with special needs, I’m talking about your bog standard private school.

MarshaBradyo Thu 10-Oct-19 20:28:22

Check out the bursary criteria and consider it yes

myself2020 Thu 10-Oct-19 20:30:04

@WrongKindOfFace these kids (like my son and several other kids in his class) don’t have special needs as such. they are “just” more sensitive etc. private schools have the resources to accommodate that.

Jiggeriepokerie Thu 10-Oct-19 20:33:58

What do you class as 'bog standard'? Eton? Harrow? Or the hundreds of other excellent independent schools that are inclusive? There are super selective schools, but the vast majority aren't. You'll find Eton etc candidates rubbing shoulders with the kids with additional needs in many, many schools.

Leeds2 Thu 10-Oct-19 20:35:45

I would do it. Two years is a long time for DD to be so unhappy.

BUT, what will happen when she reaches Year 7? Does the private school you are looking at progress to senior school? Will all her new classmates be going to the private senior? Even with a bursary, could you afford it? I do wonder if it would be feasible to get another five years worth of fees on your mortgage, even with a bursary.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Thu 10-Oct-19 20:37:54

Most private schools have an entrance exam as it's not just about the fees - they remain elite by getting top results which then future parents are prepared to pay for.....

Also no guarantee she'd get a bursery....

Private schools can be just as brutal but for different reasons

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