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To officially complain about this family

(132 Posts)
Judgybitch Thu 10-Oct-19 15:10:06

Hi, i have name changed because i fear a flaming (hence namesmile)

I have been attending a baby group for the last 3/4 months or so and have now decided to stop going because of one mother and her son. This boy is the oldest child who attends and is about 3 and a half. He is very rough and every single week that goes by i have seen him deliberately hurt and been unkind to the younger children. This includes sitting on them, pushing things over onto them, snatching, invading space, running very quickly and literally taking them out with low toys at knee/shin height etc etc. you get the idea.

No particular child is targeted it just seems to be a general disregard for and enjoyment of getting into other's space and is his way of interacting with others. He has jumped onto adults (including me) and put his arms around their neck in a huggy way but rough enough to be very startling as it can feel like choking. He has hurt my son several times and today left him in tears and afraid of further interaction which is the final straw, i won't be returning.

Obviously i'm not a big enough bitch to blame a 3 year old for their behaviour and i only illustrate the above to show how serious this is. His mother very often leaves him to his own devices, not even looking and any discipline is rather...halfhearted, consisting of shouting 'Bobby NO!' or just odd. like making him go and apologize by 'hugging' the child that was hurt so basically this boy could do whatever he wanted and the only consequence was occasionally being made to hug another child.

I don't know how other mothers feel about this but after my son was hurt he didn't want this lad anywhere near him and the hugging (done before i could stop him) just made him more upset.

I have tried making very gentle suggestions to the mother and being helpful i.e. 'just to let you know bobby has done this' or 'please don't let him hug my son' but she will literally blank me and walk off. The staff actually do far more disciplining.

Anyway, i'm having a rant now. Obviously i'm not going back but i was pissed off enough when i was leaving yesterday to want to complain to the staff. Today i am calmer and thinking would it even do any good?

I doubt they would stop this family from coming so would complaining even be worth the time? The thing is i am the third mother i know who has stopped going for this specific reason and there must be many more. the group is unusually quiet compared to others in the same building at similar times so i have my suspicions.

I admit im judging the fuck out of her but not sure if i should do anything else or at least let the staff know why i won't be returning. This is a paid group so will effect their income.

Zebraaa Thu 10-Oct-19 15:12:47

I would tell them even thought they probably won’t be able to do anything. They must wonder why people are dropping like flies from the group.

madcatladyforever Thu 10-Oct-19 15:16:43

Definitely complain. The mother sounds bloody awful and has no idea (or just doesn't care) how to parent.
People like this piss me off.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair Thu 10-Oct-19 15:16:58

Ooh, I was so ready to roll out my ‘save your judgment until your own child is that age’ smuggery, but actually you’re right, that really is crap. I think you should share the reasons you’re leaving, not in a big drama way but because it’s the most constructive thing you can do now.

You also reminded me of another parent I know who is forever encouraging her (rough, boisterous) child to hug others - hello, goodbye, thank you, sorry - regardless of the signs they’re giving off about how they feel about it. hmm Yep, because if your child is having issues dealing with other children’s bodies and boundaries, definitely it’s a great idea to tell them to trample over them even more...

Judgybitch Thu 10-Oct-19 15:23:18

Phew, i can't believe i'm getting positive responses!

AndddddHerewegoagain Thu 10-Oct-19 15:23:48

No you anbu. I used to go to a playgroup where there was a similar behaved child. The mum used to chase after him (in a playful way don't know how to describe it) saying sorry he's just tired tinkly laugh

One day another parent just lost it with her and said then take him home and put him to bed instead of letting him beat up every child here.

The mum was so shocked. Everyone else was internally cheering.

It's hard cos you have no idea what the child's home life is like, and stresses the mum could have but its still really unfair on everyone else at the same time!

Judgybitch Thu 10-Oct-19 15:25:44

Its a shame, i keep meeting new people in the group who come for a couple of weeks who then disappear. They are of course unaware of how rough this child can be and leave their small children to wander around playing. They then only last a week or two before they get hurt. The regulars hover round their children like mother bison...

Teddybear45 Thu 10-Oct-19 15:27:20

You should tell the baby group directly. NCT and SureStart groups often have an age limit of 2 - though this is rarely enforced they do, do it in situations like this.

Judgybitch Thu 10-Oct-19 15:27:48

@ AndddddHerewegoagain

We don't even get that!

Home life is good as far as i can tell. Middle class, home owners in the same area as me, extended family are local, nothing that would raise any eyebrows.

Judgybitch Thu 10-Oct-19 15:29:17

The age range is 1-5. its is often used out of term time for parents with reception aged kids who are usually wonderfully behaved. Its not really his age that is the issue other then that he is stronger and more mobile.

Stressedout10 Thu 10-Oct-19 15:31:06

Or this poor child could be sen and poor mum is at there whits end and doesn't have the emotional energy to do more. Maybe she needs this time as her only break but yes go ahead and judge

Judgybitch Thu 10-Oct-19 15:34:14

Any suggestions for what i should send? I'm thinking something expressing concern and outlining that i am not returning as my child has been hurt more then once at the hands of one child.

I don't want them to think i'm being dramatic and dismiss me. The thing is, the staff must know its effecting numbers already, what can they do?

Bottledate Thu 10-Oct-19 15:34:15

I think you can politely tell the organisers that you've enjoyed your time but sadly won't be returning for one specific reason. Whether or not they choose to talk to the mother or do anything else is up to them, but you made the point (and sounds like you won't be the first or last).

shearwater Thu 10-Oct-19 15:35:45

I would email/text the organiser of the group to say why you are thinking of stopping going.

GlassSuppers Thu 10-Oct-19 15:37:35

There was a child like this at my DDs stay and play. This child picked up a very large toy bus and bashed my poor DM around the head with it when she was on the floor playing with DD.
She was in so much pain a cold compress was needed and she was in tears.
This was finally the final straw and the mum and child were asked to leave. If that had been a baby or a young child it could have been very serious.

You need to say something to prevent something bad from happening.

Judgybitch Thu 10-Oct-19 15:39:17

@Stressedout10

No obviously sign of SN, he is talking and highly interactive, surely anyone knows that a SN childs requires consistency even more than most children, which he isn't getting.

The mother seems perfectly happy and energetic to me, talking about all her extracurricular activities with the staff, dad is involved and sometimes comes too (hes does nothing either), ignoring her child until he is standing over another one that he has knocked over.

PepePig Thu 10-Oct-19 15:40:24

Hate this. Hate parents like these letting their feral children run riot and hurt other kids. I don't know why they go to groups- stay at home if you want to continue being a piss poor parent.

Jaxhog Thu 10-Oct-19 15:40:25

Tell the organizers. Although I can't believe they don't already know.

AmICrazyorWhat2 Thu 10-Oct-19 15:40:28

I think you can politely tell the organisers that you've enjoyed your time but sadly won't be returning for one specific reason

This ^^ is good advice. If this child is causing people to leave the group, it needs to be dealt with. I feel sympathy with the Mum but she can't sit by and let her child hurt others, she needs to talk to him about personal space and not touching other people. He probably has no idea that he's actually hurting anyone. Hope it works out.

Fundays12 Thu 10-Oct-19 15:40:59

I think you did the right thing. Toddlers can be boisterous and a handful at times. I am a 3rd time mum too with one child who has ASD/ADHD and who has very challenging behaviour at times but whose behaviour has improved massively over the years as he has been taught it’s not acceptable. If the other parent isn’t prepared to take responsibility and deal with her child staff need to be aware it will affect numbers at the group. If it’s a paid for group and staff are paid they need to deal with it as it’s there job. This type of behaviour should not be allowed to continue as it ruins it for everyone and the child themselves will never learn it’s unacceptable.

I took my own nearly 3 year old home yesterday from toddlers as he was tired and a bit grumpy. He certainly wasn’t barging into younger kids or hurting anyone but refusing to share and threw a couple of toys. He was warned if he continued I would take him home. He did continue so i took him home which upset him but he needs to know it’s not okay to behave like that. He is generally a very well behaved child as he knows he doesn’t get to toddlers if he isn’t. All kids need boundaries and rules the biggest one being hurting others is not acceptable.

MsTSwift Thu 10-Oct-19 15:42:32

If the organisers are volunteers what do you expect them to do? Seems abit unfair to land them with a difficult issue

Shinesweetfreedom Thu 10-Oct-19 15:42:46

Stressedout10
The mother needing a break does not trump any child being hit,don’t care how stressed the mother is.

Judgybitch Thu 10-Oct-19 15:43:35

@GlassSuppers

This is exactly what i fear will happen. its only a matter of time before someone is badly hurt. Last time i was there he was pushing over a little tyke car squashing a barely walking little boy against a brick step. The mother (new that week) had to rush in and pull off the car to rescue her screaming child.

mathanxiety Thu 10-Oct-19 15:44:29

Why not just have it out in no uncertain terms with the mum right there?

Or wade in and firmly correct the 3 year old?

Judgybitch Thu 10-Oct-19 15:45:30

@Bottledate

I think that is a good start but i may have to be specific about the reasons although i won't name the child (they will realise who im talking about, there are only 3 regulars including me)!

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