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To tell his mum

(15 Posts)
Fuckenstein Thu 10-Oct-19 15:04:07

My BF has a cocaine addiction. It started off as occasional use, then it became monthly, then every weekend and now he is at the point that he is taking time off work to sit in his flat alone taking drugs for 24 hours straight.

I have to walk away, I tried to support him with it when he admitted he needs help but he is aggressive and nasty to me. He says things deliberately to try and hurt me. He is pushing me away so that he can indulge himself without question.

I have blocked him on everything and washed my hands of him but I don't want to abandon him when he is in self destruct mode.

So would I be Unreasonable to tell his mum so she can support him somehow. If it was my son I would want to know?

If I tell her he will think I have done it out of spite and to cause trouble for him but that really isn't the case. I care about him and hate to see him destroy his life but I am totally out of my depth.

So YABU - keep your mouth shut and nose out.

YANBU - the more support he has the better.

ThePallidBustOfPallas Thu 10-Oct-19 15:05:05

How can he afford a habit like that?

alislim Thu 10-Oct-19 15:05:10


JorisBonson Thu 10-Oct-19 15:05:52

OP I was in exactly the same position when I left my ex and wondered the same.

I decided not to. He's a 30 something man and needs to take control of his own life. As much as I hated him towards the end, I still had a lot of time for his mum and didn't wish to be the person that brought her grief.

Zebraaa Thu 10-Oct-19 15:06:08


Fuckenstein Thu 10-Oct-19 15:08:13

I dont know how he affords it and wouldn't like to guess. I suspect he is in a lot of debt.

I really do like his mum, she is lovely and it will be a huge shock to her but he needs someone?

JorisBonson Thu 10-Oct-19 15:10:59

I really sympathise, it's a horrible position to be in.

Is there anyone else close to him you can bring this up with?

Tractorgirlz Thu 10-Oct-19 15:14:57

I’d want to know if my son was in self destruct mode. Please tell her, at least she can try and help once she knows about it!

Fuckenstein Thu 10-Oct-19 15:15:33

All of his friends are into it with him although not to the extent he is.

He's an only child so no siblings.

I am reeling at how much he has changed and don't want to make things worse, I still love him but have to put myself first and cut contact.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong Thu 10-Oct-19 15:15:52

If you like his mum then I'd probably tell her. If (God forbid) something happened to him, then she'd wonder why you didn't tell her and give her the chance to try and intervene. There's every possibility he won't let her help, but at least you could give her the chance.

user1473878824 Thu 10-Oct-19 15:17:53

Absolutely tell her. He needs help. It doesn’t matter if he thinks it’s malicious, because you know it isn’t.

walkintheparc Thu 10-Oct-19 15:20:04

I agree you should tell her, as it's from angle of support rather than 'grassing him up'. I also wonder if it's worth telling his friends just how bad it's got as he is probably hiding it, if they are very casual users I'm sure this would shock them.

AmIThough Thu 10-Oct-19 15:25:32

I think you should tell her.
And good on you for being strong enough to walk away.

Fuckenstein Thu 10-Oct-19 15:30:54

The thought of dropping this bomb in her makes me feel sick but I literally don't even know what else to do.

His mum and I share a hobby which means we see each other weekly and she honestly is so nice. They are helping him with money a lot as he was out of work for 10 weeks recently which hasn't helped his mental health.

Redact Thu 10-Oct-19 15:35:38

YANBU - however hard it is to hear as a parent, and it will be, but, at least she will be aware of the situation and be able to support her son

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