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To not go to Mils on Christmas day?

(236 Posts)
AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil Thu 10-Oct-19 10:43:37

NC incase it's outing. Have complained about inlaws before.
I used to have to spend Christmas eve, boxing day and new year at Mil's if I wanted to see my DH (we were not married at the time) at all during the holidays. Sure it was nice I was invited but mil basically monopolised the whole holidays and dh would never spend Christmas day or boxing day at my parents. This went on for about 6 Christmas's. Then my grandfather's funeral was a few days before Christmas so I spent Christmas day at my parents to comfort my mother. Dh came to the funeral and he said he could not stay for Christmas day or boxing day (of course it was his mother was calling him home). So the next year I put my foot down and said we were having Christmas day in our new house and inviting my parents (mil wouldn't come if invited and we would not have enough room for all Dh's family). The only reply Mil gave was "but it could be your grandmothers last Christmas" to dh. Fast forward a few more years and Mil has just been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's very unfair we always have Christmas at home, and she doesn't get to see the dc on Christmas day and we should alternate years, and this year we should have Christmas day at her house. Saying how bil and his gf alternate each year. That wasn't an option before when she monopolised the entire Christmas holidays. We also go on boxing day but that isn't enough for mil, it should be Christmas day and boxing day this year.
AIBU to ignore mil and put my foot down again and have Christmas at home. Tempted to not even go to Mils on boxing day now.

NoSauce Thu 10-Oct-19 10:46:56

Alternating is a good option imo. I think it’s a bit petty to do otherwise. Maybe not go on Boxing Day.

Everydayimhuffling Thu 10-Oct-19 10:53:26

It would be petty to not go on boxing day, but it's fine to do what you want for Christmas Day. Do you always invite your parents and not her though? If so I think you should at least invite her, even if she is unlikely to actually come.

AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil Thu 10-Oct-19 10:54:30

Alternating was never an option before. Mil monopolised the entire Christmas holidays for 6 years. I'm still annoyed dh didn't spend Christmas with me when my grandfather died because of mil

Hahaha88 Thu 10-Oct-19 10:58:15

You haven't said, are your parents going to yours every Xmas now

NoSauce Thu 10-Oct-19 10:59:05

The past is the past though, MIL is saying that she would like to alternate now though.

When did you last have Christmas Day at hers?

OneForMeToo Thu 10-Oct-19 11:01:19

Yanbu to stick to the simple Christmas at home every year. Yabu however if you invite your parents every year and the in-laws never even get an invite for evening tea, even if they wouldn’t attend at least the invite is extended.

However continue to stay at home after all you’ve liked your mils tradition so much you’ve copied it right 😉

AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil Thu 10-Oct-19 11:01:22

I have room for maximum 6 people at Christmas. I have no siblings so my family, dh, dc and I is 5 people. DH's family would be 6 minimum, possibly 9. I couldn't fit them all. Mil wouldn't come here as she wants all the siblings together

Hahaha88 Thu 10-Oct-19 11:03:30

Ok so I'm taking your update as yes your mother comes to Xmas every year. In which case yes are you being unreasonable to not alternate and pretty selfish. Two wrongs don't make a right you know

blackcat86 Thu 10-Oct-19 11:04:19

Just have xmas together at home without either set of parents. Alternating so she can see DGC sounds like a bloody contact arrangements. Both me and DH have strong willed families that ended up with us arguing as we were both under pressure to do different things. We've realised we need to unify as a smaller family unit and make our own traditions.

AlpineCoromandel Thu 10-Oct-19 11:04:26

For the 6 years before you were married it sounds like your dh was in the wrong for insisting on spending all of Xmas with his mum so you ended up apart on xmas day and with mil the rest of the time.
I agree with alternating

AmIThough Thu 10-Oct-19 11:04:46

YABU to invite your parents every year and not invite his family. You should make space. You can't prioritise one family over the other.

But she also shouldn't expect DC to have to leave their home and presents on Xmas day.

Tell her she's welcome to come to you, and visit her on Boxing Day as usual.

PoppyFleur Thu 10-Oct-19 11:05:23

Surely it is your DH you should be annoyed with and not your MIL?
It was DH that made the choice to not spend Christmas with you after your grandfather died. It was your DH that made the choice to not support your during a difficult time.

Is he incapable of having a grown up conversation with his own mum explaining his wishes? Maybe his brother can give your DH some tips as he seemed to manage it.

shearwater Thu 10-Oct-19 11:05:39

I think alternating, Christmas Day only, is the best idea.

We are always all together at Christmas but there are only a few of us close family and we all live in the same area so it's very straightforward, and we take it in turns to host.

Toastymash Thu 10-Oct-19 11:06:44

Alternating would be the best option if you want to keep the peace. But you really aren't obliged to keep the peace. You are an adult and can do whatever you want for Xmas. If you'd prefer to spend it in your own house then just do that. Life is far too short for people pleasing.

However if you are going to do Xmas at yours my advice would be to invite the mil. I know you say that she wouldn't come but that's fine. Let her decline the invite. Then it's her own fault that she isn't there and she can't say that you didn't consider her.

OneForMeToo Thu 10-Oct-19 11:06:50

Doesn’t matter if she won’t come. If you at least invite them for the evening visit or morning opening presents for an hour you have then given access on Christmas Day. If that doesn’t suit her then that’s her problem.

The issue currently is every year your parents are invited presumably for the entire day and his get Boxing Day, normally that would alternate families.

Piffle11 Thu 10-Oct-19 11:08:13

Did your DH spend Christmas with MIL because he wanted to, or because she pressured him? Either way, he's not been fair, either. I think you need to forget about the past - you can't change what's happened, and dwelling on it will only make you angry - and decide what you want to happen in the future. If you want to see your parents, and if DH wants to see his, then you need to alternate. We didn't want to get into the whole 'one year your DM, the next year mine' so we basically said we would stay at home, and then if someone was going to be on their own, we would arrange to see them. I wouldn't go to the same parent every year, unless the other really didn't care.

AlpineCoromandel Thu 10-Oct-19 11:08:53

Either do one year with your family, following xmas day at mil's. Or lunch at one house, tea at the other if near enough then swap following year.

Gertie75 Thu 10-Oct-19 11:09:16

Yabu if you have your own Mum every year and never mil.

Keep the day for just you, dh & kids then do your visiting on the other days.

shearwater Thu 10-Oct-19 11:09:20

Some of our friends, a couple who have been together 20 years, still split up and each go to their own parents on Christmas Day.

Whattodoabout Thu 10-Oct-19 11:11:21

YANBU but you knew he was up his Mother’s arse before you married him so have kinda brought this on yourself.

AllIWantForChristmasIsANewMil Thu 10-Oct-19 11:11:41

When I asked to alternate before it was a no from mil and dh listened. So to me it seems too little too late. Also I can't make room. I can fit 6 people only in my small living room/ dining room and around my dining table. So I can't host mil, fil and DH's siblings and their partners.

Disfordarkchocolate Thu 10-Oct-19 11:12:00

I'm not a fan of setting any pattern, for some people this makes them think things will never change and they do. There comes a point were most children want to stay at home or people move and travel isn't so easy for example.

HildaSnibbs Thu 10-Oct-19 11:14:19

YANBU to have Christmas in your own homes, especially once you have kids! I think you should invite your parents and your MIL - if she chooses not to come, that's up to her, but so long as she's invited then you're being fair.

Bucatini Thu 10-Oct-19 11:15:00

Alternating was not offered as an option before, but now it has been, so why not go with that and keep everyone happy?

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