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AIBU to think that my DP tried to put a spider in my mouth

(137 Posts)
Spidermouth Thu 10-Oct-19 09:48:09

OK, so this is probably going to sound nuts so I'll give a bit of background.
I have arachnophobia, I'm getting better at dealing with it and can often now be in the same room as a spider but still can't touch them. I'm early 40s so have had lots of time to work on this phobia that I accept is irrational.

I love my DP dearly, we've been together 8 years or so but we've had our problems. I don't want to dig her out but it's important for context I believe to know a tiny bit of our history.

She's had 2 affairs in the last 2 years, basically for the whole time but that's finished and we're trying to work on things. During and prior to the affairs she has abused me. Generally small things but some pretty serious gaslighting and belittling of me. I'm far from perfect and have likely driven her behaviour by not falling into line and behaving as she likes.

Anyway, onto the incident.

I was asleep in bed while she was up reading her book, I always get to sleep earlier as I have always worked to financially support us both whereas she has been studying and looking after our dog at home. I woke up this night with her weight ever so slightly on my chest, like she was pushing or holding me still. It was very strange but sometimes I move around in my sleep and I guess I thought she was just moving me back to my side of the bed. BUT, I looked up and could see that she had a spider in/on her hand and her hand was about 2 inches from my mouth.

Obviously I absolutely shit my pants and shifted away and asked what she was "fucking doing". She told me that this spider had lowered itself from the ceiling (6 feet above my head) and was gently lowering itself towards my mouth when she saw it from the corner of her eye and leapt in to save me from inhaling the little shit.

At the time I believed her, but it was before I found out about the 2nd affair and when we were working really hard to rebuild trust. I just wanted to believe her as the alternative for me was basically realising that she was evil.

When I found out about the second affair obviously trust was completely shattered but I'm a fighter. Also the spider story was forgotten, until last night when before bed we saw a spider crawling on the living room wall. She turned to me and said "That will be going in your mouth tonight when you're asleep" and like a great flashback to a more innocent time I thought of how implausible the previous story seemed and here she was, in my mind threatening more of the same.

So, Mumsnet, AIBU to think she is torturing me in my sleep by putting spiders into my mouth or not?

And please, don't anyone tell me to leave. I'm a big boy and can make those decisions for myself. Thanks.

grumpypregnanttired Thu 10-Oct-19 09:56:10

Is this serious? PLEASE say this isn’t real. You work full time to fund a woman who has affairs, and is abusive - so she can stay at home and look after your DOG!?! If this is real... she sounds like an utter psychopath and this is really disturbing. You need to leave, spider-in-mouth or otherwise!

Spidermouth Thu 10-Oct-19 09:56:13

I just wanted to quickly add that my DP is vehemently denying this and is sticking to the story that she was protecting me. Obviously I want to believe her but think she must have some pretty ingrained hatred to treat me how she has in the past.

MockingJay27 Thu 10-Oct-19 09:56:57

Yes she was definitely was. She’s clearly a cruel person but you have said not to tell you to leave so i won’t but I cant see a single reason you would want to stay with this horrible cheating abusive woman

grumpypregnanttired Thu 10-Oct-19 09:57:08

Sorry for saying you need to leave when you clearly said not to say that - but what the Hell else do you want people to say when that is clearly the only reasonable option? I’m really shocked and horrified by this post and really hope it’s not real.

GinDaddy Thu 10-Oct-19 09:58:48

This is absolutely horrible - can you confront her at a time that's neutral (i.e no spiders on wall etc) and sit down and explain to her how she makes you feel? Also that if it continues, you will do X or leave for Y, because it's just unacceptable?

HoppingPavlova Thu 10-Oct-19 09:59:21

You have much bigger problems than the spider thing.

PullingMySocksUp Thu 10-Oct-19 09:59:28

The first time, did you ever say you thought she was trying to put it in your mouth?
If not, then I think it’s pretty conclusive. It’s such an odd thing to say.

Even if she did, it’s horrific to say. I would be frightened of what she could do.

Spidermouth Thu 10-Oct-19 10:01:03

You need to leave

Yes it's real I'm afraid! But I'm not leaving, not right now anyway. I've detailed more about my relationship under a different name (in the relationships thread) and have received a lot of good advice there. Right now it makes more sense for me to stay put and I'm not in danger from her.

LonginesPrime Thu 10-Oct-19 10:02:10

I'm not in danger from her.

What if the spider lays eggs in your brain though?

Smelborp Thu 10-Oct-19 10:02:53

And please, don't anyone tell me to leave.

But I don’t think there’s anything else to say.

Greenkit Thu 10-Oct-19 10:04:06

Spider or not, I would leave her because of the affairs, do you think so little of yourself?

Alicenwonderland Thu 10-Oct-19 10:05:27

Sorry you're going through this. I'm not sure how on earth anyone would advise you to stay with her though!! Do you have children? Are you afraid for them?

piercedmyfootonaspike Thu 10-Oct-19 10:05:44

Oh dear, it actually sounds like she doesn't like you very much. Not sure what to suggest as you said you won't be leaving....wear a beekeepers hat to bed?

Spidermouth Thu 10-Oct-19 10:08:01

can you confront her at a time that's neutral

We've discussed everything at length. We only discussed the spider thing briefly and to be honest, I believe her but obviously I do have issues in believing anything she says 100% as she's previously lied to my face on more occasions than I can remember.

Again though guys, thank you for your concern, it's a great community here for looking after abused partners but I'm taking more control and don't want to leave her despite being aware that if this was anyone else I'd tell them to and to do it in a hurry.

Ijustwanttoretire Thu 10-Oct-19 10:08:06

I love my DP dearly and During and prior to the affairs she has abused me. and And please, don't anyone tell me to leave. I'm a big boy and can make those decisions for myself

So why are you on here? You "love" someone who abuses you and you won't leave. So what is the point of everyone pointing out this is a toxic relationship? Spider or no spider, she is nasty and you are a fool. And if you are in your 40s you'll soon be an old fool who has wasted their life on someone who treats you like shit. Have a nice life. If you can call it living.

GladAllOver Thu 10-Oct-19 10:08:48

I hope that wasn't true. It was no way to treat an innocent spider.

FiveTwoFaster Thu 10-Oct-19 10:08:58

I reckon it would be cheaper and more pleasant for you to get a new live-out girlfriend and a dog walker. Separate people. Not so nice or cheap for your current partner but hey ho.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman Thu 10-Oct-19 10:12:45

I think you know that she was trying to put it in your mouth and you’re trying to convince yourself otherwise.
If she truly had just seen it lowering itself from the ceiling she could have just caught it by holding on to the bit of web it was hanging on and taken it away, she would not have even needed to touch you let alone hold you still as you say she was.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, her behaviour is awful as is but when you take in to consideration your arachnophobia it’s just plain abuse b

loobyloo1234 Thu 10-Oct-19 10:12:46

Yes she did try to put it in your mouth. She did it as you let her get away with everything else and she probably thought why not - knowing full well it would probably be one of your worst nightmares

Seriously OP. Why would you put up with this?

Spidermouth Thu 10-Oct-19 10:13:32

do you think so little of yourself?

I guess that yes I do.
We don't have children and I know what's coming from everyone but it's been our plan for years. We haven't been able to afford on my salary alone but now she is finally working so we can start a family once she's eligible for maternity pay.
I could leave her and hope to try again but honestly, I'm early 40s and the chances of me missing out is a massive factor in why I am staying. It's either gamble on her or gamble on finding someone else and the truth is that my self esteem is not what it was 5 years ago.

wear a beekeepers hat to bed?

Hahaha, now this is the kind of advice I can get behind

TheNinkiestNonk Thu 10-Oct-19 10:13:46

I don't think the spider is the issue here........

Alicenwonderland Thu 10-Oct-19 10:13:47

Some harsh comments here. I know how difficult it is to get out of an abusive relationship and I understand your reluctance. Do you have people you can talk to? I had lots of help from Women's aid, I'm embarrassed to say I don't know if they help men, I'm going to check in a minute. Xx

grumpypregnanttired Thu 10-Oct-19 10:14:16

OP, sorry but this is is actually scary - it’s a whole new level of sick and twisted if that’s really what she was trying to do. It really makes me wonder what else she’s capable of - I know you say you’re not at risk but someone using a phobia to torture you ... while you’re sleeping?!? It’s so concerning. How can you sleep peacefully next to her? What else is she capable of?!

BeenHereForAges Thu 10-Oct-19 10:14:41

Yes I think she was putting it in your mouth. I also think shes doing other weird and nasty stuff to you without you knowing.
I'm not allowed to say leave so I'll just end with good luck!

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