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Fiancee took back engagement...

(66 Posts)
Xsavanah Wed 09-Oct-19 21:47:31

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 9 months. We're young but not too young (both live together and work FT). Have been living together since day one but that's a different story.

He proposed fairly soon and we agreed we wouldn't actually make it official until later (like a year later) as he hasn't met my family yet. .

Then we agreed we'd break the news on date x which was 6 months from said proposal. He "forgot". Then never brought up the topic again. When I Do he says "what am I supposed to do" or "I still want to propose sometime in the new year". Now he is saying I'm x month of the new year.

I've been miserable about his approach to it as would rather not be engaged and not in this drama, who is BU? Is this normal?

C0untDucku1a Wed 09-Oct-19 21:50:14

Of course it is not normal. How old are you?

It sounds like he wanted a quick win grand gesture, but not the reality that followed. I bet his pretend proposal made you really happy. With no effort from him. Just a fake promise.

Scarydinosaurs Wed 09-Oct-19 21:50:36

A year and nine months is a long time for him to not have met your family? Has that happened yet?

SpotlessMind Wed 09-Oct-19 21:54:53

No it's not normal - normally you agree to married and from that moment you are engaged to be married! Honestly, it sounds like he proposed in the first throes of love and is now not sure - you need a sit down talk with him about how he feels about marriage, and if he wants to break off the engagement then he needs to grow up and tell you that, so that you can decide what you want to do with that information.

If you're both young is there any rush to get engaged and married though? Only you know the answer to that, but ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with this bloke if he's making you feel miserable by ignoring your feelings about this

Starlight456 Wed 09-Oct-19 21:58:48

If he asked you to marry him then you are engaged...... however if you can’t even bring up your engagement you really aren’t ready to get married.

smartcarnotsosmartdriver Wed 09-Oct-19 21:59:10

Not normal. I was very young when I got engaged but it wasn't a game. He bought a ring and he asked me to marry him and from that day we knew we would be married when we could afford it. That took a few years but we got there. If he's messing you about like this then I would question if he wants to get married at all or if this is just a gesture.

Xsavanah Wed 09-Oct-19 22:22:48

Sorry to drop feed! And thank you for all the replies.

So there was a ring which is mine (a beautiful diamond ring). Right now it's sitting in the house as I told him I don't want to wear it if he keeps going back and forth and obviously isn't ready.

He has not met my family as they all live in a different country (he met my dad and step mum when they were visiting but no one else so far).

I agree, it's like he wanted to do a grand gesture, I was happy... And now he doesn't understand that it's been a crappy thing for me to deal with.

There is no rush but we are in our early-mid twenties if that changes anything. Just had a massive fight now as he just doesn't get it and keeps using man logic "well I would be ready now but you didn't give me time". And I hate myself for being the kind of person who is nagging but I want to have a conversation about it yet I feel like a desperate crazy lady talking to a wall. I don't care if he sells the ring and takes the engagement back I just want to be able to have a reasonable conversation about it.

C0untDucku1a Wed 09-Oct-19 22:25:50

Just dump
Him. Move on

Starlight456 Thu 10-Oct-19 05:31:50

Tbh . If this is such a big thing about the engagement he doesn’t want to marry you. Some people are fine with that some not be it sounds like he really isn’t committed the same way you are.

AlwaysCheddar Thu 10-Oct-19 05:35:24

No, not normal but nasty. Please get rid and find someone decent to love. You’ll regret staying with thus guy.

WhoAmIToTellYou Thu 10-Oct-19 05:57:35

I wonder if his proposal was a way for him to ensure he keeps comfortable living arrangements. You say you lived together from day one- how did that happen, were you flatmates and then became a couple? Or perhaps you met him whilst he needed to find a new place to live and you offered for him to move in?
I would be suspicious that even the initial proposal was just a way for him to keep status quo (but then i’m cynical like that).
Under what circumstances he proposed? How do you know the ring is actually diamond? And have you actually met any of his family yet?

I assume you rent- how much he was and is contributing to the bills?

Anyways, he doesn’t want to get married now and is being a shit by making it your fault. Maybe he never wanted to get married in the first place.

I’d say chuck him out and don’t look back. Or, if it’s you renting the property, ask him to move out. You might find him making all the right noises again and setting another date 6 months down the line - i suggest you still chuck him out as he sounds like a cowardly user.

WhoAmIToTellYou Thu 10-Oct-19 06:03:03

And you know what? He does indeed get it very well, i bet. It suits him to pretend he doesn’t though.
Stop putting yourself down, you’re not a nag or a crazy desperate lady.

Rezie Thu 10-Oct-19 06:06:50

Did you both agree that you would get "engaged" and then in 6months to get engaged? Cause that itself is unusual. Is there a cultural differences at play here? Such as engagement means something that makes something else socially acceptable?

CheeryB Thu 10-Oct-19 06:13:43

A year and nine months is a long time for him to not have met your family?

My daughter and her husband Iived together 5 years before they married. I didn't meet his parents till their wedding day. I didn't feel it was odd. We're all a couple of hundred miles apart and just never crossed paths. My own parents only met my in laws at our wedding too. I don't think it's out of the ordinary.

CheeryB Thu 10-Oct-19 06:17:50

Oops, completely misread the post I quoted. It's a bit early for me obvs. Apologies.

BoomBoomsCousin Thu 10-Oct-19 06:21:48

At that age it’s not that surprising he’s going back on it. Not that everyone that sort of age would or that older people never do, but people are more impulsive until their late 20s. It seems he’s too young and immature to cope with the commitment at the moment. It’s better to know this now than after you’ve committed a fortune to wedding vendors or, worse yet, actually married the guy.

Put the engagement idea behind you for 5 years and go for a much less intense relationship and see how it develops without expecting that sort of commitment if that works for you or dump him. Either strategy works. Just don’t beg him or coerce him into keeping his word on this - it’s not the sort of thing that has any value if it’s not genuinely, freely given. Also, for God’s sake, make sure your contraception is water tight because if he isn’t ready to be engaged you don’t want to be stuck with his children.

FuriousVexation Thu 10-Oct-19 06:25:53

I think on balance, it sounds like he doesn't want to marry you, I'm sorry.

That may just mean he wants to wait and be sure. You're both pretty young for marriage which is theoretically a lifetime commitment.

When he proposed, was it during or immediately after sex? I've had 5 proposals in my life, one of which turned into marriage. The first 3 were all during sex!

pictish Thu 10-Oct-19 06:29:24

I agree with everything boom said just there.

Anothernotherone Thu 10-Oct-19 06:32:56

You said the ring was already yours (belonged to you before he proposed) ,- why on earth would you let him sell something of yours with a high value which he didn't buy?

Aside from that either dump him and move out/ kick him out or tell him you are not engaged, he is not your fiance, he's just your boyfriend and you don't want a conversation about marriage until 2021. Stop the drama completely by absolutely refusing to engage, it's stressing you out and making you feel dependent, and he's using it as a power trip.

PonteLaCorona Thu 10-Oct-19 06:53:59

"well I would be ready now but you didn't give me time"
This is childish bullshit. Blaming you when he knew full well his "proposal" was false.

And I hate myself for being the kind of person who is nagging
Following up on what should be a happy conversation is not nagging. Wanting to have an adult conversation about your future is not nagging. "Nagging" is a horrible little word that men use to belittle and quieten women. It speaks volumes about his attitude and respect towards you.
Please stop hating yourself immediately. You have done nothing wrong, whereas his behaviour is toxic.

I don't care if he sells the ring and takes the engagement back
it's your ring now. Sell it yourself, kick him out and treat yourself.

Fluffycloudland77 Thu 10-Oct-19 06:54:56

When they want to marry you their pretty persistent about it.

AgathaF Thu 10-Oct-19 06:55:13

It doesn't sound like he's ready to be engaged, and definitely not ready to be married.

Do you want to be engaged to start planning a wedding, or as a sign of his commitment to your relationship?

You do need a conversation, not about this particular 'engagement' but a wider talk about your futures and what you both want out of life. It sounds like at the moment you want different things. That may change or it may not. But you need to know what he would like his future to look like, and he needs to know what you want yours to look like too. From there you can both decide if those futures are going to be as a couple or separate, and then act accordingly

CuriousaboutSamphire Thu 10-Oct-19 06:55:58

I don't think I followed that

1. You lived together form day 1... how did that happen?
2. You had a ring already? Or did he buy it?
3. You are early / mid 20s? Gather yourself together and move on. The two of you seem to have totally different ideas about where your relationship is, or is going.

Notajogger Thu 10-Oct-19 06:57:42

If he wanted to commit to you, he would.

Trying to convince him into anything shouldn't be needed, and you are NBU - you shouldn't be feeling this way in a decent relationship. It sounds like he's too young and immature, as pps have said, to know what he wants (or he's just looking for a way to back out of the situation but doesn't have the courage to do so decently).

KatherineJaneway Thu 10-Oct-19 07:00:14

Blunt fact is, if he wanted to marry you he would have asked and made it official. The fact he hasn't means he does not want to marry you.

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