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To cut ties with polyamorous friends

(121 Posts)
lonerdottierebel Wed 09-Oct-19 19:09:07

I am going to cut a long story short as short as I can, but it's still going to be a bit long. Sorry?!

A couple of parents from the school whose dd has had some play dates with mine, it turns out are polyamorous. I have concern because it goes against my morals and beliefs, because they have been bringing it into the classroom (talking about having intimate encounters in front of children), because someone they're romantically linked to has been causing a lot of problems at the school - chatting mums up, getting one pregnant, he's been to prison in the past, and it goes on (I can give more details), and because one of these mums is another friend of mine, who's dd is also friends with mine, and this man who they're sticking up for caused a lot of pain for her and her husband.

Firstly, I can't be friends with both of these couples, it's just not going to fly with either of them. Secondly, I've done a lot of research on polyamoroury since finding out, I'm afraid of being called a biggot, but I'm just not comfortable with that lifestyle choice and don't want it affecting my daughter - it might not have yet, but I don't fancy taking any risks. Thirdly, since finding out, I've distanced myself from the polyamorous couple, but our children are in the same class, get invited to the same parties, etc, so we naturally bump into each other. I feel so awkward. I politely say hello and then excuse myself. I get the impression they are aware that I now know everything, and are wondering what side of the fence I'm on (if I still want to be friends with them).

It's not the lifestyle for me, but I don't want to be disrespectful to them as that's just not me, and at the moment, I feel that by not being straight with them I'm leading them on, which they don't deserve. I also have very bad social anxiety, and general anxiety, so telling them how I feel about it is a very daunting prospect to say the least. I'm also afraid of making things even more awkward when we inevitably run into each other. I was trying to just let the friendship tail off into the distance, but they keep wanting to converse with me, set up play dates, etc.

This is going to be a controversial subject. I'm prepared to be told I'm not being open-minded, biggoted, etc. Maybe so, but I don't feel I need to justify my reasons any more than I have and hope that anyone who feels that way will respect my morals and beliefs.

What would you do in this situation? If you chose to cut ties, how would you do it?

lonerdottierebel Wed 09-Oct-19 19:13:04

I'd like to add that I am not against any monogamous sexuality. I'm a supporter of the LGBTQ+ movement, I have family that are gay and trans, before that gets thrown at me!

Praiseyou Wed 09-Oct-19 19:15:42

they have been bringing it into the classroom (talking about having intimate encounters in front of children)

That would be reason enough for me to stop being friends with them, whether they were monogamous or polyamorous.

Lifeisabeach09 Wed 09-Oct-19 19:16:53

You do seem judgemental but hey ho.
I wouldn't cut tied because how couples choose to behave in their relationship is their business. I'd probably advise them to be a bit more discreet and to cease gossiping about it around the kids.
Btw, polyamory isn't catching. It won't affect your daughter.
But as you do want to cut ties--just distance yourself but remain friendly. If you end up at mutual parties, so be it.

CAG12 Wed 09-Oct-19 19:16:59

Im dont think its how they live their life that matters, its the consequences of it. It sounds like they're pretty careless tbh.

I think it sounds like you've already made up your mind?

Lifeisabeach09 Wed 09-Oct-19 19:17:31


ichifanny Wed 09-Oct-19 19:18:08

What on earth were the school think g allowing them to talk to kids about it , bore off and shag who you like on private but don’t involve other people .
I’d avoid the ‘ sex people’ grin like the plague . I do t blame you .

BNSY Wed 09-Oct-19 19:18:16

You do you Sharon x

Pursefirst Wed 09-Oct-19 19:19:14

I miss Jeremy Kyle tbqh.

TheQueef Wed 09-Oct-19 19:19:16

Easy don't be friends with anyone who discusses intimate encounters in c lass.

OrchidInTheSun Wed 09-Oct-19 19:21:22

I've given a talk to my kid's class about dogging. It's the sort of thing schools need to teach so I don't see why you're worried. 🤷🏼‍♀️

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Oct-19 19:22:29

I don't mean to be unkind but why do you think they're really going to care whether you want to be friends with them or not?

Pandaintheporridge Wed 09-Oct-19 19:22:45

I don't eat meat because I think it's morally wrong. This means I'm surrounded on a daily basis by people who in all honesty I think are doing something immoral. I don't need to tell them this, and they don't expect me to join in with them. So where's the problem? If they genuinely discuss sex in front of children that's very different.

WiddlinDiddlin Wed 09-Oct-19 19:22:56

Forget the polyamory stuff here, thats not the issue (and if it is you need to give your head a wobble over that!)...

The real issue here is their behaviour (or some of them) and that some of them appear to be unpleasant people.

That would be an issue regardless of how they choose to live and conduct relationships.

managedmis Wed 09-Oct-19 19:23:24

They shag other people?

catyrosetom2 Wed 09-Oct-19 19:23:26

talking about having intimate encounters in front of children

In what way? This would concern me but this is not caused by polyamory. A friend of mine is in a (mature) polyamorous relationship and it has no bearing on anyone else.

TheQueef Wed 09-Oct-19 19:24:04

Hope it wasn't careers Orchid

WorraLiberty Wed 09-Oct-19 19:24:08

I had to smile at "getting one pregnant" though grin

You know it takes two to make a baby?

user1473878824 Wed 09-Oct-19 19:24:21

@OrchidInTheSun how is dogging something schools need to teach?!

Also “leading them on” 🙄

lunar1 Wed 09-Oct-19 19:26:09

Each to their own, but I wouldn't want anyone around my children discussing their encounters. That is where my line in the sand would be.

Tableclothing Wed 09-Oct-19 19:26:55

You can distance yourself from whoever you like. Making a speech to them about why you have decided to do so is not necessary.

You cut ties by saying "oh that would be lovely, but we're not free then. Have a great time!"

53rdWay Wed 09-Oct-19 19:28:16

I've given a talk to my kid's class about dogging. It's the sort of thing schools need to teach

What level of Biff, Chip and Kipper is that?

gwenneh Wed 09-Oct-19 19:28:21

So wait, these parents are coming into class and discussing the intimate details of their sex lives in front of the children?

ChilledBee Wed 09-Oct-19 19:28:24

Why would they want to discuss that in front of children? I could understand them wanting to express that polyamory is a valid relationship choice and speaking about how it works in terms of boundaries.

ElizaPancakes Wed 09-Oct-19 19:28:38

I don’t give a fuck who is sleeping with who so long as they’re all consenting adults. I don’t want to hear about it though. Nothing more dull than people talking about their sex lives and how adventurous they are. I especially don’t want to hear them in the playground. Smacks of showing off, even when it’s blatantly inappropriate.

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