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To wonder if there’s more to their friendship?

(201 Posts)
MondayMadnessMm Wed 09-Oct-19 17:55:57

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or not. I would like to hear other people’s views please.

DH was working at a company but left around this time last year. During his time there he became close to one of his employees. He would give her a lift home, talk to her about the problems she’s having with her boyfriend, etc. He said that he really liked her as a person and he was often telling me about their coincidences like “You won’t believe where MMM went for her holiday last year!” and it would be the same place as us, before he knew her. Basically they seemed to really click.

Anyway, after DH left the company, he wanted to keep in touch with her. He’s never really had many work friends before, not who he wants to see out of work. So we have met up with her a few times.

He sometimes mentions in passing that he’s spoken to her and gives me little updates on her. Anyway, don’t ask me why but I looked at his phone bill. I had no reason to be suspicious. I was just being nosy. There was a huge amount of contact with her number. It seems like, since this time last year, he has called her about once a week for chats lasting 30-90 minutes. I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening. Oh and lots of texts. Not hundreds but probably on about 2 or 3 days a week and a handful at a time.

I’m not sure whether this level of contact is normal between ex-colleagues/friends.

She’s attractive, my DH’s type. I know he loves me though. AIBU to be even giving it a second thought?

MondayMadnessMm Wed 09-Oct-19 17:56:53

I have name changed because DH knows my usual name on here.

Clangus00 Wed 09-Oct-19 18:05:36

I wouldn’t be happy and would be having a severe word with my OH and yes, i’d be insecure enough to tell him it’s us or her.
Sorry, but that’s how I would feel.

icelollycraving Wed 09-Oct-19 18:08:47

I have friends that I speak to as frequently as that with sporadic texts. I generally don’t want to have an affair.
Is she single now?

Fannybaws52 Wed 09-Oct-19 18:09:35

It's an emotional affair and its wrong.

Your instincts are bang on. It isnt normal for him to have 90min long secret chats with another woman and his blatant crush on her is pathetic.

In your shoes, I'd get my ducks in a row just in case they have crossed a line.

Stuckinanutshell Wed 09-Oct-19 18:12:09

I’m very good friends with a guy at work. We chat by text a lot and meet at lunch. The idea of anything between us makes me laugh and shudder in equal measure! Nothing whatsoever going on. In fact he mostly talks about who he is dating and asking me to translate girl talk (eg ‘look at this text, does she seem interested? She didn’t use a x or a kiss emoji and she did before’) #eyeroll

If you’re secure in your relationship then you shouldn’t be worried about friendships.

I always feel depressed on threads like this when people suggest ruining a friendship because of their own paranoia and insane tendency to view everything sexually.

IF you have reason to be suspicion (and I mean reason beyond ‘they are friends’) ask your husband about it but please don’t be confrontational or issue ultimatums unless you’re clear something is amiss.

Bluntness100 Wed 09-Oct-19 18:16:28

It's an emotional affair my arse.

Op, no one can tell, they could just be mates or their could be more to it. If you don't know, not one person on here does.

SugarNyx Wed 09-Oct-19 18:23:48

Well that’s a big bag of nopes- listen to your gut OP

MondayMadnessMm Wed 09-Oct-19 18:31:07

Some mixed replies there. I don’t know what to think. I don’t even talk to my female friends that much. The last time I had such long conversations was back before I got together with DH and I was dating and dissecting everything with a female friend. I have male friends who I text occasionally but nothing like this.

I don’t think anything has happened between them. DH is always here after all. I’m just worried that maybe he has feelings for her or she has feelings for him or, worst of all, they have feelings for each other.

She’s still with her boyfriend as far as I know. I haven’t had an update on her for a while.

SimonJT Wed 09-Oct-19 18:43:37

My ex was convinced I was into two of my friends because we chatted on the phone, messaged and sometimes went out together. They could have danced around naked etc and I still wouldn’t have cheated, the thought of kissing them makes me feel queasy, nevermind anything sexual. Our calls became secret as he failed to cope with me having friends.

I’m too old for petty jealousy so I left him, I will never tolerate a partner choosing my friends.

MondayMadnessMm Wed 09-Oct-19 19:40:17

I’m trying to stay sensible and accept their friendship. I do trust DH.

Those of you who think it’s suspicious, is it the amount of contact or something else? I’m not sure how best to tackle this moving forwards. I have been cheated on twice in the past and don’t want to ever be in that situation again.

CrystalShark Wed 09-Oct-19 19:53:48

30-90m on the phone, weekly, for over a year, kept hidden from you (as in never even mentioned ‘oh I spoke to so and so on the phone today’) definitely is suspicious to me. I can’t thjnk of any friend, male or female, I would speak to that much regularly while also ensuring my DH never knew about it.

I bet he doesn’t have any other friends he speaks to that frequently for that length of time? If he does then maybe it’s less dodgy, but if she’s the only one I’d be worried.

I have plenty of male friends and DH plenty of female friends, but I just don’t see that level of sustained and concealed contact being purely platonic.

Not saying he’s cheated or cheating btw, but I think depending on whether or not he’s like this with other friends, male friends for example, there could be something untoward going on like mutual attraction, longing, bordering on an emotional affair perhaps.

MondayMadnessMm Wed 09-Oct-19 20:05:36

Thanks Crystal. He hasn’t kept it hidden as such. I know that they’re friends and that they’re in touch. I presumed it was a phone call for 20 minutes every 4-6 weeks with a few texts in between. He has mentioned her but clearly not after every phone call he’s had with her. The thing is, if I knew he was calling her that much then I would take issue with it and he knows that so perhaps the problem is with me? Maybe he felt he had to keep the extent of the friendship to himself for fear of upsetting me.

He doesn’t talk to other friends as much by any stretch of the imagination. We see mutual friends every couple of months and I tend to arrange that. He has one or two male friends who he sees on his own once or twice a year and hardly ever communicates with them in between. He’s calling this woman more than he calls his parents or brother (both of whom he’s close to).

To be fair, most of the conversations were 30 minutes. Maybe 5-10 were 60 minutes and 2 were 90 minutes. Just so I’m not misrepresenting things.

nokidshere Wed 09-Oct-19 20:07:32

I have never witnessed one of these calls as they tended to be at work, on his way home or, on a couple of occasions, when I have been out for the evening

If DH had spoken to someone on a regular basis for a year, with calls lasting for 30-90 mins at a time but none of which have ever been in front of me I would certainly want to know why.

Keeping it secret is the problem, not necessarily the calls. Secrecy eats away at people's trust.

Windydaysuponus Wed 09-Oct-19 20:11:38

Well imo she needs a dinner invite to your home.
Just suggesting it will give you an idea.
Having her agree will give you another clue. And having her there will speak volumes about their relationship...

WhoAmIToTellYou Wed 09-Oct-19 20:14:36

A man having a 60 mins convo with his ex female coworker when you are not around?
Yes, definitely reasonable to suspect dodgy-ness. Sorry

CrystalShark Wed 09-Oct-19 20:15:24

Yeah, I think that’s suspicious then tbh. Not just the talking to her way more than anyone else, but the hiding it too. None of those lengthy calls have ever been in front of you or even mentioned? Then again I don’t know many people who spend ages on the phone these days. So it would be very noteworthy to be speaking to someone via a phone call so regularly and for so long. Which is why I wondered if he just does that in general. But he doesn’t... only with her.

MondayMadnessMm Wed 09-Oct-19 20:39:39

Keeping it secret is the problem He hasn’t really kept it or her secret though. If I asked him then I think he would have said. It just never came up.

MondayMadnessMm Wed 09-Oct-19 20:41:48

Well imo she needs a dinner invite to your home.
She has been. It was fine. They were chatty but tried to include me. I actually quite like her as a person. I’m still worried though.

fromcitytocountry Wed 09-Oct-19 20:42:23

The things I would wonder are...

What do the texts say or are these deleted from his phone?

When do these calls take place i.e. at home but away from you, on the at home from work?

Does he have her on social media or Whatsapp - does this show anything?

I like the idea of suggesting she come to dinner and see how your husband reacts.

MondayMadnessMm Wed 09-Oct-19 21:04:45

What do the texts say or are these deleted from his phone?
Deleted but he deletes all texts. Something I have always found odd.

When do these calls take place i.e. at home but away from you, on the way home from work?
Mostly on the way home from work, occasionally in the afternoon at work, once or twice in the evening or weekend when I was out (I cross checked with my diary).

Does he have her on social media or Whatsapp - does this show anything?
He’s on Facebook but they’re not friends. I don’t know why not. He doesn’t like Whatsapp.

I like the idea of suggesting she come to dinner and see how your husband reacts.
Already happened.

MondayMadnessMm Wed 09-Oct-19 21:05:31

I haven’t looked at his phone for texts from her because I know he deletes everything so no point.

couldwenot Wed 09-Oct-19 21:59:36

It's a strange one because on one hand, I have multiple male friends, I often phone them, go out/round to their houses and I even work with two. My OH has no issue with this as he knows we're good friends and the fact that they're of the gender I'm attracted to is inconsequencial.

If he DID have an issue with it then I'd tell him where to go. The secret phone calls are what worries me here though.. I find it strange that not one of the calls have been around you. That feels like it's definitely not a coincidence to me and would raise alarm bells as to what he's hiding. Maybe he's trying to have his cake and eat it too by having an emotional relationship with this woman while also maintaining his marriage to you? He might enjoy having someone on the side he can tell all of his issues to knowing that if you're uncomfortable he can easily turn around and say 'we're just friends!! It's not as if I've kept her a secret'

I recommend sitting him down and just asking him bluntly, while raising your concerns. You are completely entitled to sit down and talk to him about your worries, and his response should dictate how you move past this. Obviously please don't go in all guns blazing, because if he genuinely IS just close friends with this woman you'll feel silly and he won't feel trusted which will lead to bigger problems, or could push him closer to her.

Hold your head up and be confident, he chose you to be with at the end of the day!

JustDanceAddict Wed 09-Oct-19 22:11:27

It’s the phone calls that I think are odd. I barely speak on the phone now other than relatives or having to get hold of someone urgently. The fact that they’re done away from
You would make me suspicious. Do they ever meet alone do you think?
I message some work friends a lot to debrief after work - a bit like the way you’d speak to your best friends after school, but they’re female. I do have a couple of male friends but always see them with others, rarely message 1:2:1 and no way do I want an affair with them! If a work male friend wanted to message a lot I would feel uncomfortable myself.

Vehivle Wed 09-Oct-19 22:34:40

@MondayMadnessMm I wouldnt like this at all. I'm a very chatty person and have friendships with men and women but even my bestest friends I dont call as much as your partner calls this woman. I'm afraid I think he likes her but perhaps hasn't admitted it to himself yet. I wouldn't like it all if it were my husband and would sit down and tell him so and frankly would expect him to be reining his friendship back with her a little out of respect for my feelings. I know some on here will view that as controlling. But different relationships, different rules. If my husband voiced him feeling uncomfortable with a man friend I was ringing constantly- I'd do everything I could to assure and prove it was innocent but if he still felt deeply unhappy I'd put him before any other friend. Also should add I'd be willing to do this BECAUSE my husband isn't controlling or jealous. He has never complained about me spending time with my guy friends or spending weekends away or going out. So if he expressed discomfort on one particular relationship, I'd be willing to listen to his feelings and respect them if they meant a lot to him and our relationship overall.

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