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To think my husband is the worst?

(192 Posts)
Clofty Wed 09-Oct-19 16:01:35

Am crushed today and can’t believe he can be so cruel.

We got married in 2012 always agreed we would have a family and suffered a late miscarriage at 18 weeks in January 2013 and since then have had a long infertility journey. He wasn’t keen on IVF (so we didn’t do it) and dragged his heels during the adoption process so we didn’t end up doing it as his lack of commitment despite what he was said was clear. We finally scraped together enough money (50k) to pursue surrogacy in Eastern Europe but on the day we were supposed to sign the contracts a few months ago he said he wasn’t ready and thought we should go to counselling as he thought our relationship had suffered due to the infertility issues. I was crushed but happy to agree. He didn’t like the counsellor as she didn’t agree with him on most things. One thing we did agree to do was to sell our house and buy a smaller cheaper house to release some cash so things would be less tight financially when we started the surrogacy. We found a buyer and found a seller and yesterday on the day of exchange of contracts he said he had changed his mind. He avoided calls from our solicitor and me to confirm the exchange all day and when I got home he told me he didn’t want children didn’t want to be married and he wanted a divorce. He would appreciate it if I acted with dignity and agreed to the sale however so we could divide up the profits and go our separate ways.

Last weekend we were snuggling and he told me he loved me and everything was fine. How could he treat me this way after everything that I have been through? I have always checked he was happy with everything every step of the way and he has let me down in the most hurtful and humiliating way possible. I am also now 43 so have lost all chance of having a family.

He will also now swan off to his mums who will treat him like a prince leaving me to tell my friends family and work what has happened and to deal with the estate agents, lawyers and bank with regards to the sale and purchase.

Please be nice as I am crumbling here

Zebraaa Wed 09-Oct-19 16:05:42

Your poor poor thing flowers sad

Oysterbabe Wed 09-Oct-19 16:06:56

What a cunt flowers

weeblueberry Wed 09-Oct-19 16:07:42

You're correct. He's the worst.

I am so so sorry you're going through this....

Andysbestadventure Wed 09-Oct-19 16:09:00

He's an absolute cunt. He has known from day dot he didn't want any of it. But men don't tend to leave unless they have something on the backburner, has he always been faithful?

GloriaMaximus Wed 09-Oct-19 16:09:04

Take a step back and breath.

Each day is going to be different from the last but different doesn't mean bad.

Longer can still have a baby via a surrogacy, would you be happy to find a sperm donor?

He sounds like the worst kind of person. He's doing you a favour I promise.

Be kind to yourself.

Vampyress Wed 09-Oct-19 16:09:58

My god, he did this and then has the audacity to mention dignity?! I have no words that could provide even the slightest amount of comfort to you OP, I am disgusted that he could treat you like this! Do you have any family support you can lean on? I wouldn't be making any decisions until you have spoken to a lawyer, in the meantime make sure you move any joint funds into your personal account so he can't find another way to hurt you xxxx

OnlyFoolsnMothers Wed 09-Oct-19 16:10:10

what an absolute a$$hole so sorry

Oysterbabe Wed 09-Oct-19 16:10:41

You could do IVF alone with donor sperm and donor egg now it's no longer his choice what you do.

KatnissMellark Wed 09-Oct-19 16:10:45

What a fucking bastard. Sell the house, buy yourself somewhere manageable and pursue your dream of a family alone, in whatever way feels right to you flowers

TateWorm Wed 09-Oct-19 16:11:09

thanksthanksthanks OP. He's a huge arse and I'm so sorry he's done this to you. I hope you can find happiness in the future but for now we're all here for you.

PurpleDaisies Wed 09-Oct-19 16:11:50

What a bastard. flowers

NoSquirrels Wed 09-Oct-19 16:13:37

You’re right, he is the worst.


But you don’t have to deal with everything. He can. He’s pulling out, let him explain to them all. What an arsehole.

The most I would do is send 1 email factually stating that your husband is leaving you and therefore you cannot proceed with a purchase, and all queries are to go to him, not you, as you are in extreme distress. Copy in anyone you like, then turn off your phone & email for a while.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 09-Oct-19 16:13:38

I am so sorry op, but the healthiest thing you can do in the midst of this shit storm is to separate immediately, get him out of the house, and see a solicitor. I also think you should start seeing your own therapist as soon as possible to help you work through all this trauma.

kitk Wed 09-Oct-19 16:13:38

So sorry to read this- he's a dick 😕

Interestedwoman Wed 09-Oct-19 16:14:29

AARGH! So sorry to hear that sad

Could you go for the surrogacy alone with donor sperm, or through adoption alone once you're settled? Or maybe fostering?

Anyway, what a timewasting wanker. Hugs xxxxx

PrincessHoneysuckle Wed 09-Oct-19 16:14:46

Sorry but Cunt is the only word that is strong enough here

MapMyMum Wed 09-Oct-19 16:15:55

He is the worst. An A class Ahole

But you could go ahead with surrogacy alone. And youll be much better off because you dont have that pr*ck trying to bend you to do things his way and then backtrack again.
Be honest with the solicitors etc so they understand the delay and the circumstances. Go ahead and get this man out of your life so you can move on

Be strong. I know it doesnt feel like it but this really is a good thing long term

RedSheep73 Wed 09-Oct-19 16:17:44

What a git. As previous poster said, let him do any work that needs doing. If anyone should be going to their mum's it should be you, you are the one who needs tlc. I really hope it all works out for you.

AryaStarkWolf Wed 09-Oct-19 16:17:54

So sorry OP, nothing any of us can say to make it better but make sure you reach out to some r/l support

Morgan12 Wed 09-Oct-19 16:18:45

Yes he is the worst.

What a horrible cunt.

NigesFakeWalkingStick Wed 09-Oct-19 16:18:56

The word bastard isn't even close to what this piece of shit is. I am so, so deeply sorry for you OP. I rarely post on relationships but your post moved me, and I am beyond angry for you too.

I hope you can find surrogacy or a sperm donor for your much longed for child x

NearlyGranny Wed 09-Oct-19 16:20:35

Don't agree to the sale, OP, I reckon.

You have enough changes coming in your life without a house move on top of it, unless you love the new house and want to use your share of the balance to buy him out. Give yourself a year to process and recover. As he is the one wanting the divorce, make sure he leaves. It sounds as if his mum will welcome her baby back.

What a blow. I guess looking back the signs were all there, weren't they? But he's wasted such a chunk of your fertile years leading you on and future-faking!

The good news is that fertility is a joint thing, and you may conceive easily and carry a child successfully with a new partner.

Grim thought: you don't think he went off and got a vasectomy at some point, do you? They should talk to a spouse before performing one, but I suppose he might have found a way round that?!

HollowTalk Wed 09-Oct-19 16:21:06

What a bastard that man is.


InsertFunnyUsername Wed 09-Oct-19 16:22:43

What a fucking arsehole he is.


Hold your head up high, I know who I would be judging negatively in this situation.

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