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To feel terribly hurt by this both myself & on behalf of my DS?

(107 Posts)
Livingtothefull Mon 07-Oct-19 19:30:05

A few weeks ago a cousin of mine whom I was speaking to said 'next time I see you will be at (my sibling's name's) party'. I didn't know what she was talking about but didn't say anything as I assumed would hear in due course - also it was a bit awkward. No date for this party was mentioned.

I didn't hear anything in the interim - then I was speaking to another close relative who said she was 'looking forward to seeing me at the party on Friday'. I said I didn't know anything about it & that I wasn't sure if I could go, she got quite irate with me for suggesting I might not be able to go because of the short notice; 'but we are counting on you being there. Of course you are going'.

I spoke to my other DSis (not the one giving the party - she had been invited sometime ago together with her DC and DH) and said that I hadn't heard any more about it so had assumed I wasn't invited. She just said 'Well I'm not getting involved with that'; this made me think she knew something about the background to this.

Just a bit of context to this - my DS is severely disabled both mentally and physically. To cut a long story short, I often feel he is tolerated rather than truly cherished by my DFamily. That is my perception, I don't know if this is true. But I have had conversations with them before about needing to know about events in advance so that we can prepare DS and also sort out the logistics of getting there.occasions so that DS can be prepared and so we can arrange travel and accessibility.

Either it is assumed that somehow the message would have got to me to come along, or we are not invited - probably because they don't want DS because it is 'not that sort of occasion'. Either option is a bit shit really.

MzHz Thu 10-Oct-19 10:26:24

You owe it to yourself to ask your sister outright what’s going on.

Only then do you need to think about how you handle it.

The “we don’t wanna get involved” comment leads me to think that they know it’s deliberate, perhaps they suspected you weren’t coming and don’t agree with what your sister’s doing so are flagging it up to you.

If it goes nuclear, that will be because it bloody needed to.

Livingtothefull Thu 10-Oct-19 11:09:15

Thanks all. No I think it is fine for party givers to select their best choice of venue etc. What I would expect (and this is where I want to know if IABU) is for them to have a conversation with me about their plans, whether it would be suitable for DS to attend as they would love to have him there if possible, and what they could do to make it easier for us to bring him. It would also be nice to hear about the plans at least at the same time as everyone else.

What I find hard is the status quo where plans are made which we are the last to know about, and we are just expected to fall in - and if we don't we are seen as being difficult/snubbing the event.

Really I feel so upset by this it has taken me by surprise, it is hard to articulate how strongly I feel about this so I have little hope of being able to explain it to anyone irl.

AnybodyWantAChip Thu 10-Oct-19 11:45:00

My brother is the same - invites usually go out to everyone but me. It's been going on for about 20 years. a few months ago I finally asked him why and got a huge list of things I had done wrong; some where genuine misunderstandings, some were just plain nuts and others simply hypocritical.
I thought a lot about how to handle it going forwards and came to the conclusion that he could have resolved this at any time just by having a conversation with me. But he chose not to, and had instead edged me out of his life. So I'm guessing it really is as simple as he doesn't like me.
He is the golden child - my DM would never say anything to him, but has had a go at me for finally standing up to him. Apparently, by refusing to put up with it anymore I was breaking up the family.

My family are so fucking dysfunctional it breaks my heart. On the outside we all look normal, but underneath we are completely messed up.

Anyway - I decided not to spend anymore of time feeling upset - one more day wasted feeling like you do right now OP was a day too many. I've gone LC with both DM and DB - I no longer actually enjoy spending time with them because of what has happened.

So my experience has been that challenging family on their behaviour did not fix anything, but it did give the strength to finally accept the situation for what it is and move on with my life. I can't force them to like me, it is what it is.

Livingtothefull Thu 10-Oct-19 12:18:48

I am so sorry AnybodyWantsAChip that you have been treated like that. I really identify with your being accused of breaking up the family through not wanting to put up with the status quo any more.

I feel the pressure to conform to the 'happy family' which each member has a duty to uphold through maintaining his/her allotted role. Mainly because of my DS situation - and also how hugely that has changed me as a person - my allotted role just doesn't fit, but I know that I will be accused of being difficult and destructive the more I point that out. So why subject myself to all of it?

Blondebakingmumma Fri 11-Oct-19 11:44:53

How did you go OP. Did you get a reasonable explanation or apology from your sis?

Livingtothefull Sat 12-Oct-19 14:29:51

No I haven't heard anything more in the meantime.

Babysharkisanearworm Sat 12-Oct-19 16:58:13

When asked, just say
We've not been invited, mate.
It reflects more on her than you.
Either that or just turn up and if she days anything just respond
Oh we assumed you just forgot to send us an invite.

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