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To feel terribly hurt by this both myself & on behalf of my DS?

(107 Posts)
Livingtothefull Mon 07-Oct-19 19:30:05

A few weeks ago a cousin of mine whom I was speaking to said 'next time I see you will be at (my sibling's name's) party'. I didn't know what she was talking about but didn't say anything as I assumed would hear in due course - also it was a bit awkward. No date for this party was mentioned.

I didn't hear anything in the interim - then I was speaking to another close relative who said she was 'looking forward to seeing me at the party on Friday'. I said I didn't know anything about it & that I wasn't sure if I could go, she got quite irate with me for suggesting I might not be able to go because of the short notice; 'but we are counting on you being there. Of course you are going'.

I spoke to my other DSis (not the one giving the party - she had been invited sometime ago together with her DC and DH) and said that I hadn't heard any more about it so had assumed I wasn't invited. She just said 'Well I'm not getting involved with that'; this made me think she knew something about the background to this.

Just a bit of context to this - my DS is severely disabled both mentally and physically. To cut a long story short, I often feel he is tolerated rather than truly cherished by my DFamily. That is my perception, I don't know if this is true. But I have had conversations with them before about needing to know about events in advance so that we can prepare DS and also sort out the logistics of getting there.occasions so that DS can be prepared and so we can arrange travel and accessibility.

Either it is assumed that somehow the message would have got to me to come along, or we are not invited - probably because they don't want DS because it is 'not that sort of occasion'. Either option is a bit shit really.

EmmiJay Mon 07-Oct-19 20:35:45

Ok this situation would hurt. I'd call this sister if I was you OP and we'd be having serious words (and possibly a tussle).

darlingsweetpea Mon 07-Oct-19 20:39:35

That's unbelievably unfair and nasty. I'd call your sister to find out the facts and then call your parents to share your disgust at the discrimination your child is receiving. People can be so spiteful sometimes.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 Mon 07-Oct-19 20:45:29

That’s shit. I’d have to call my sister and ask her WTF was going on

GorkyMcPorky Mon 07-Oct-19 20:46:01

If you call her on it she'll claim she thought you knew and didn't need to be specifically invited. I'd want to know the form of the invitation for the others (when/how). With that information you'd be better prepared.

NellieEllie Mon 07-Oct-19 20:50:34

I’d have to ask the sister what was going on. Really feel for you. How horrid. Can’t believe people are so mean,

Chamomileteaplease Mon 07-Oct-19 20:56:04

Presumably your sister would realise that you would know that everyone else has been invited except you? I mean, it's not a secret. Which makes it even more nasty!

I would text or phone her and just ask very simply whether or not you and your are invited or not.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 07-Oct-19 20:58:35

How awful. flowers I assume it isn’t an oversight.

Stampy84 Mon 07-Oct-19 20:59:28

Bastards!!! I would be MORE inclined to make sure my sister and nephew were involved in absolutely everything with regards to fun and parties if there was a disability involved!!

I’m so sorry for you both OP

Kaddm Mon 07-Oct-19 21:02:34

Could your invitation have got lost?
Send message
Dear sibling, cousin and other relative have both said “see you at your party”. However I didn’t receive an invitation? Is it lost or are we not invited. Love OP
I mean if you and your ds are already 2/3 division relatives, what exactly have you got to lose by sending that?

Butterymuffin Mon 07-Oct-19 21:06:04

I wouldn't go and I would be clear afterwards that you weren't invited.

Livingtothefull Mon 07-Oct-19 21:06:10

Thank you all....tbh I was really quite prepared to be told that I was being oversensitive and reading too much into things so thank you for reassuring me that I am not. It is possible that it is an oversight but everyone else seems to know about it so why would it not also be made clear to me?

I could ask about it but I really don't want the risk of falling out and the ensuing drama. I have just had enough. It is obvious that my and DS faces don't fit.

Kaddm Mon 07-Oct-19 21:08:53

But you’ve already fallen out! You’re upset because they don’t want you there. Why is it ok for you to be sitting here upset but not to ask for clarification, potentially irritating your sibling.
So I think you should ask as you have nothing to lose.

darlingsweetpea Mon 07-Oct-19 21:08:52

Could you do something like asking your parents if they want to meet up at exactly the same time as the party and see what they say. Or better still, ask your sister.

Ciwirocks Mon 07-Oct-19 21:12:46

It really could be an oversight. We are a big family and it’s easily possible that everyone would assume everyone else knows. I have told my dm about an event before and only told siblings when I have seen them (thinking dm would tell them anyway). We have all had a last minute panic did someone let x know. I would try and ask your dm

zzzzzzzz12345 Mon 07-Oct-19 21:13:30

Yeah I think I’d be talking to my parents. You’re all adults but parents stil usually have an influencing relationship and, in this situation, I’d want to know where they stand on it.

NoProblem123 Mon 07-Oct-19 21:21:48

What Marnie said.

Assume your invite was lost, and make them all aware you preparing to go, and go.

No way would I be allowing any family to leave me & my child out of a family gathering. Make it awkward for them. Why should you suffer in silence while they all enjoy themselves guilt-free.

Molly2017 Mon 07-Oct-19 21:23:59

I’d have to ask. Even if casually over a message. “So and so mentioned a party on Friday, but we haven’t heard anything about this from you”. It’s enough to find out.
Sadly it’s not uncommon. My children aren’t disabled OP but they do have an illness that makes catering for them difficult. We quite often find the rest of our family have met up on the ‘spur a moment’ without us.
I’m on the edge of going no contact. With all of them. My kids deserve better.

Molly2017 Mon 07-Oct-19 21:25:05

Spur of the moment

mightymalties Mon 07-Oct-19 21:25:32

Would you like to go? If so, I would mention it directly to your sister and gracefully provide the opportunity for her to mention she has "forgotten" your invite.

Sadly I have experienced similar on several occasions as a LP with two autistic children. My direct family (DM/DF, siblings and their NT DCs) regularly organise meetups, meals, holidays without including us. A lot of the time I'm aware, I understand that the venue/type of event simply isn't suitable for us to attend and wish them well, but secretly hope that one day they may decide to be inclusive.

Earlier this year, my uncle called out of the blue to check that we were attending my other uncle's big family-friendly birthday event. These uncles are DF's brothers. I speak to DF virtually every day, and (think) I am close to him; he had not mentioned it at all. Not wanting to embarrass/cause problems for DF, I fumbled through without directly letting on, checked date/venue/time, etc. Waited a few days for DF to mention it (he didn't) then casually slipped it into the conversation so he could pretend he'd forgotten to tell me.

It transpired that there had been another big family event, hosted by my aunt and uncle earlier in the year. Not having my number at the time, they had asked my parents to invite me, and wondered why I didn't attend when my siblings and their DCs all did. Hence the call out of the blue...

We did attend the event, all had a lovely time and developed closer bonds with my aunt, uncles and other members of my extended family (who turn out to be much more inclusive and understanding than I'd realised!).

gamerchick Mon 07-Oct-19 21:26:24

You know what, I wouldnt mention it. 2 people have spoken to you about it so it's obvious it's going to be brought up. Then I'd keep a LC with them.

But I have no problem in fucking off my siblings and keeping them at arm's length.

Chewbecca Mon 07-Oct-19 21:28:54

I think you need to calmly ask to find out either way.

kateandme Mon 07-Oct-19 21:28:54

If it's so much of a far out oversight maybe it is?
But I totally understand that this is hurting and might be true.
So there is nothing,nothing wrong with asking.its not causing drama.ita asking a really calm question of a possible oversight.keep it might,smiling assassin friendly."I've been asked by everyone about what's happening with your party,I haven't heard anything of one though?"aaaand mouth closed.wait for them to reply.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Mon 07-Oct-19 21:29:27

"Dear Sibling Name..xy and z have all mentioned your party on Friday and said they were looking forward to seeing me and DS there. As I haven't heard anything from you about it, I was quite surprised to hear that.
Of course you are not obliged to invite us to family parties if you don't want to, but Instead of letting me hear about it from other people and be left to figure it out for myself, which I find really hurtful, I'd rather hear from you directly and perhaps have some clarification about why the reason why. Thanks. Livingtothefull. "

eggsandwich Mon 07-Oct-19 21:32:12

Have your parents not mentioned the party at all ?

If not its a bit odd, either they are assuming your going or have been told not to say anything to you, I hope its the first.

I would ask your parents if they have any plans Friday as you thought they would like to come over for tea, if they say they are busy you know they have been told to keep quiet about the party, but if they mention the party then you know they thought you had been invited.

expat101 Mon 07-Oct-19 21:35:37

I too think you should ask your Parents. Tell them outright how you heard about the party and see what they have to say, and if they acknowledge they know you and DS have not been invited.

(Personally I think your Sister is a cow for not only for not inviting you but asking other family members, but also for putting other family members in the position of knowing you haven't been invited and knowing some back story that keeps you right out of trying to sort it out. I think she would know she is in the wrong).

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