To feel terribly hurt by this both myself & on behalf of my DS?(107 Posts)
A few weeks ago a cousin of mine whom I was speaking to said 'next time I see you will be at (my sibling's name's) party'. I didn't know what she was talking about but didn't say anything as I assumed would hear in due course - also it was a bit awkward. No date for this party was mentioned.
I didn't hear anything in the interim - then I was speaking to another close relative who said she was 'looking forward to seeing me at the party on Friday'. I said I didn't know anything about it & that I wasn't sure if I could go, she got quite irate with me for suggesting I might not be able to go because of the short notice; 'but we are counting on you being there. Of course you are going'.
I spoke to my other DSis (not the one giving the party - she had been invited sometime ago together with her DC and DH) and said that I hadn't heard any more about it so had assumed I wasn't invited. She just said 'Well I'm not getting involved with that'; this made me think she knew something about the background to this.
Just a bit of context to this - my DS is severely disabled both mentally and physically. To cut a long story short, I often feel he is tolerated rather than truly cherished by my DFamily. That is my perception, I don't know if this is true. But I have had conversations with them before about needing to know about events in advance so that we can prepare DS and also sort out the logistics of getting there.occasions so that DS can be prepared and so we can arrange travel and accessibility.
Either it is assumed that somehow the message would have got to me to come along, or we are not invited - probably because they don't want DS because it is 'not that sort of occasion'. Either option is a bit shit really.
Your not alone dear, my dd is severely disabled and we get the same treatment people assuming we wont be coming. I'd calmly let it go, no good in shedding tears
What utter bastards. What do your parents say? There is no way I’d let this go.
Give your sister a ring and ask. Very calmly and nicely if your invitation had got lost. See what she has to say...
Thank you Raspberrytruffle and I am so sorry you are facing the same. I am just so tired of being a 2nd division family member and my DS being 3rd division.
I thought of that Ihatefootball86 though I don't want to come across as if I am angling to get an invite. If they really wanted me there they would have made sure I knew wouldn't they?
That is awful OP. My nephew is severely disabled and I cannot imagine any of our family leaving him or my sister out of a party invite. Family is family.
I would have to address it if I were you.
Text her and ask her what's going on
Sounds shit though
'Angling to get an invite' wouldn't come into it if it was my DSis.
I'd he ringing and asking (but not accusing). I'd have to know. If I wasn't invited I'd make sure everyone knew.
Your both part of the family.
It would be horrible to be left out for both of you but you would have to think what type of person does that?
Have you and your sister had a row?
Are your parents able to offer an insight
No I haven't had a row with her or anyone & my DPs aren't aware of anything wrong.
That's heart breaking. Well you cannot go if you haven't been invited, so when people say, "see you at x party" just tell the truth that you dont know anything about it.
OP this is awful clearly your sister had an invite a while ago so yours should surely have been made at the same time. Shocking behaviour- it's very hard but think about what the end result would be if either confronting her or not and how you would feel in both - whichever is the most comfortable one for you ie confrontation and then a strained or NC relationship and go with that one. Alternatively is it worth speaking to your parents to find out what's gone on? I am so so sorry to hear this has happened to you and your DS.
I'm so sorry that your family have done that to you and your DS, OP. It's appalling.
What utter monsters. My nephew is severely mentally and physically disabled and I can't even imagine anyone excluding him or his parents. I'd go NC over this. I'm furious for you
Ask her what is happening, this is unbelievably rude
I'm sorry. I think intuitively you know the answer is your sister the sort to have forgotten the invite, assumed you were coming or is she the sort who would want to keep your DS away
I am so sorry
Is there any reason you’re not actually asking her? She’s your sister, msg her/call her and find out what’s going on.
‘I keep hearing that you’re having a birthday party but I don’t know anything about it. Have I missed something?’
Sorry but I would lose my shit over this.
What an awful way to treat a family member. I’m angry on your behalf
How upsetting! It's horrible. I wouldn't know how to deal with that. I think I'd be so hurt I'd just curl up in a ball. I'm not much good at confrontation, though.
I’d send the people organising this party to state that you won’t be attending future events, will not be sending Christmas cards.
And those “family” who don’t want to get involved I would shame them too.
I’m so angry for you op. I would make sure other family knew exactly why you weren’t invited when I turned up at the party with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I’d then go nc
Text and ask her what she’d like you to bring on Friday and what time the two of you should arrive. Put her in that awkward position. It’s sounds like everyone else wants you there.
That is so awful. I would not be able to speak to my sister if she did this or any of my family who didn’t speak up. My nephew is “severely disabled” (although i hate that term because it is all about what he can’t do and what he isn’t rather than focusing on the awesome and funny soul he is) and he is as central to the family as all his cousins and adored by us all!
I really hope you have some lovely and supportive friend’s OP.
we have a severely autistic member of the family. Wedding, parties, christenings he's invited to them all. He doesn't always sit still & is not always quiet but we love him & accept him just as he is. I'm so sorry to hear this is not the case for you.
Ok this situation would hurt. I'd call this sister if I was you OP and we'd be having serious words (and possibly a tussle).
That's unbelievably unfair and nasty. I'd call your sister to find out the facts and then call your parents to share your disgust at the discrimination your child is receiving. People can be so spiteful sometimes.
That’s shit. I’d have to call my sister and ask her WTF was going on
If you call her on it she'll claim she thought you knew and didn't need to be specifically invited. I'd want to know the form of the invitation for the others (when/how). With that information you'd be better prepared.
I’d have to ask the sister what was going on. Really feel for you. How horrid. Can’t believe people are so mean,
Presumably your sister would realise that you would know that everyone else has been invited except you? I mean, it's not a secret. Which makes it even more nasty!
I would text or phone her and just ask very simply whether or not you and your are invited or not.
How awful. I assume it isn’t an oversight.
Bastards!!! I would be MORE inclined to make sure my sister and nephew were involved in absolutely everything with regards to fun and parties if there was a disability involved!!
I’m so sorry for you both OP
Could your invitation have got lost?
Dear sibling, cousin and other relative have both said “see you at your party”. However I didn’t receive an invitation? Is it lost or are we not invited. Love OP
I mean if you and your ds are already 2/3 division relatives, what exactly have you got to lose by sending that?
I wouldn't go and I would be clear afterwards that you weren't invited.
Thank you all....tbh I was really quite prepared to be told that I was being oversensitive and reading too much into things so thank you for reassuring me that I am not. It is possible that it is an oversight but everyone else seems to know about it so why would it not also be made clear to me?
I could ask about it but I really don't want the risk of falling out and the ensuing drama. I have just had enough. It is obvious that my and DS faces don't fit.
But you’ve already fallen out! You’re upset because they don’t want you there. Why is it ok for you to be sitting here upset but not to ask for clarification, potentially irritating your sibling.
So I think you should ask as you have nothing to lose.
Could you do something like asking your parents if they want to meet up at exactly the same time as the party and see what they say. Or better still, ask your sister.
It really could be an oversight. We are a big family and it’s easily possible that everyone would assume everyone else knows. I have told my dm about an event before and only told siblings when I have seen them (thinking dm would tell them anyway). We have all had a last minute panic did someone let x know. I would try and ask your dm
Yeah I think I’d be talking to my parents. You’re all adults but parents stil usually have an influencing relationship and, in this situation, I’d want to know where they stand on it.
What Marnie said.
Assume your invite was lost, and make them all aware you preparing to go, and go.
No way would I be allowing any family to leave me & my child out of a family gathering. Make it awkward for them. Why should you suffer in silence while they all enjoy themselves guilt-free.
I’d have to ask. Even if casually over a message. “So and so mentioned a party on Friday, but we haven’t heard anything about this from you”. It’s enough to find out.
Sadly it’s not uncommon. My children aren’t disabled OP but they do have an illness that makes catering for them difficult. We quite often find the rest of our family have met up on the ‘spur a moment’ without us.
I’m on the edge of going no contact. With all of them. My kids deserve better.
Would you like to go? If so, I would mention it directly to your sister and gracefully provide the opportunity for her to mention she has "forgotten" your invite.
Sadly I have experienced similar on several occasions as a LP with two autistic children. My direct family (DM/DF, siblings and their NT DCs) regularly organise meetups, meals, holidays without including us. A lot of the time I'm aware, I understand that the venue/type of event simply isn't suitable for us to attend and wish them well, but secretly hope that one day they may decide to be inclusive.
Earlier this year, my uncle called out of the blue to check that we were attending my other uncle's big family-friendly birthday event. These uncles are DF's brothers. I speak to DF virtually every day, and (think) I am close to him; he had not mentioned it at all. Not wanting to embarrass/cause problems for DF, I fumbled through without directly letting on, checked date/venue/time, etc. Waited a few days for DF to mention it (he didn't) then casually slipped it into the conversation so he could pretend he'd forgotten to tell me.
It transpired that there had been another big family event, hosted by my aunt and uncle earlier in the year. Not having my number at the time, they had asked my parents to invite me, and wondered why I didn't attend when my siblings and their DCs all did. Hence the call out of the blue...
We did attend the event, all had a lovely time and developed closer bonds with my aunt, uncles and other members of my extended family (who turn out to be much more inclusive and understanding than I'd realised!).
You know what, I wouldnt mention it. 2 people have spoken to you about it so it's obvious it's going to be brought up. Then I'd keep a LC with them.
But I have no problem in fucking off my siblings and keeping them at arm's length.
I think you need to calmly ask to find out either way.
If it's so much of a far out oversight maybe it is?
But I totally understand that this is hurting and might be true.
So there is nothing,nothing wrong with asking.its not causing drama.ita asking a really calm question of a possible oversight.keep it might,smiling assassin friendly."I've been asked by everyone about what's happening with your party,I haven't heard anything of one though?"aaaand mouth closed.wait for them to reply.
"Dear Sibling Name..xy and z have all mentioned your party on Friday and said they were looking forward to seeing me and DS there. As I haven't heard anything from you about it, I was quite surprised to hear that.
Of course you are not obliged to invite us to family parties if you don't want to, but Instead of letting me hear about it from other people and be left to figure it out for myself, which I find really hurtful, I'd rather hear from you directly and perhaps have some clarification about why the reason why. Thanks. Livingtothefull. "
Have your parents not mentioned the party at all ?
If not its a bit odd, either they are assuming your going or have been told not to say anything to you, I hope its the first.
I would ask your parents if they have any plans Friday as you thought they would like to come over for tea, if they say they are busy you know they have been told to keep quiet about the party, but if they mention the party then you know they thought you had been invited.
I too think you should ask your Parents. Tell them outright how you heard about the party and see what they have to say, and if they acknowledge they know you and DS have not been invited.
(Personally I think your Sister is a cow for not only for not inviting you but asking other family members, but also for putting other family members in the position of knowing you haven't been invited and knowing some back story that keeps you right out of trying to sort it out. I think she would know she is in the wrong).
What DuckBilled said. Politely point out the lack of communication is hurtful & putting others in uncomfortable situations.
And yes they're not being a kind & supportive sibling.
Bastards. Seriously that is shitty if you have deliberately been left out.
I’m not sure how I’d proceed now. Don’t think I could speak to the sister who is having the party. What about your parents in all of this too?
I’m bloody cross on your behalf.
I don’t think you can avoid directly asking her. I’d phone her now and get it over with and you can come back on mumsnet for support.
The resentment and not knowing is far more of a rift and will last forever.
If you ask, then you’ll know, and there is an opportunity to talk and hear what she says.
My sister does this, we have the same cleaner and she asked the other day if I’d enjoyed my dsis’s birthday party. She looked very embarrassed when I said “oh no we wouldn’t be invited to that”. The cleaner repeated but “she said she was having a family party.” Bless her. Best to go low contact and try and move on. I made the decision to stop allowing my family to hurt me anymore a few years ago. for you.
Don’t add to the drama, just send a non accusatory text asking. I bet otherwise you’ll get feedback afterwards that your invitation must have gone astray or some other bollocks.
I just don't feel that I want to go now. I have been here before...have explained that I need notice for invites but this still goes on.
Yes I feel like this Queenunikitty, that I don't want to be hurt any more by being treated and seeing my DS treated, as peripheral...I feel it is for them to reach out to me now, or I will have to massively distance myself.
That's really tough. I know it doesn't help much but it's not about you, it's about them.
At the very least won’t you send a text saying...
I know this is awkward however I wasn’t sure whether there had been a lost communication about the party and didn’t want to offend. Several people have said that they would see me there. Did you mean to send an invite?
Even if you don’t go I think you need some kind of communication as you will be at risk of looking like you decided to snub it.
It is obvious that my and DS faces don't fit.
You can’t know that if you don’t ask about it.
It’s not uncommon for any of the 3 of my siblings and I to be left out of something my mum is planning on the basis that “I thought I’d told you” or “I thought your sister would tell you”
That's awful. I'd send something along the lines of what @DuckbilledSplatterPu
'if you are going to have a party and not invite us, at least tell the rest of the family to stop saying they will see us there, yeah?'
I think you do have to speak to your sister. It's already 'awkward' because other family members know about the party and assume you have been invited, so they will wonder where you are. Is your sister so manipulative that she would prefer everyone else to think you are sulking and refusing to come? Or is it, as PP have said, poor organisation and scattiness and everyone assuming someone else has told you about it?
I think you have to at least speak to your parents. It sounds as though you'll be judged for not caring enough to go, by those who wouldn't for a moment think you'd not be invited (like the second person in your OP).
I would hate that, so I'd want people to know that I hadn't been invited.
That is so shitty of her ,
I am so sorry OP . How horrible.
If others have mentioned that they’re expecting to see you there, it may be because your sister has told them you’re invited. Unless she has form for this or you’ve fallen out, at least let her know what’s going on. I’d assume a misunderstanding before assuming that your ‘faces don’t fit’.
it’s not uncommon for any of the 3 of my siblings and I to be left out of something my mum is planning on the basis that “I thought I’d told you” or “I thought your sister would tell you”. This exactly in my family too!
It’s really shitty of your sister - but I’m struggling to understand why you won’t ask her? If she confirms your worst fears, at least you know, and can put up the defences. If she doesn’t, and has a reasonable explanation then great.
She’s your sister.
I don’t understand why you don’t just speak to them about it to be honest. I find the whole situation quite bizarre. If one of my sisters was hosting something they’d just assume we’d all rock up. One of my sisters has an autistic son. If I didn’t get an invite I’d be texting saying, erm, where’s my invite like? Actually once we all presumed the others had told one of my sisters about a do and nobody had! She ended up finding out the day before and was not best pleased. Nothing sinister going on there.
I'm really sorry OP. Definitely talk to your sister for clarification. It sounds as though your family could really benefit from taking disability awareness classes. They surely can't mean to come across as this tactless and unempathetic.
If you first heard a few weeks ago, why not mention it to someone then?
I agree with others - even if you don't want to go, you should make contact with either your Dsis or your parents and ask what is going on. Others are clearly expecting you to be there and will make assumptions negative to you if you are not there as they will assume you have been invited - in other words, you need to cover your back. Then you can say all breezy and nonchalantly when asked ' oh we haven't been invited. have a lovely time'.
You mention you ask for notice to prepare for events (fair enough) - and from the sound of it other family members have known about the party for some time so ask what's going on. At least that way you can hold your head up high and say 'fuck you'.
This is awful for you and ds.
I think you should ring your sister and confront her. Terrible way to treat her nephew
You could ring and ask her, just in case this is just a mistake, and it'll give her a gentle 'nudge' to behave better if it's not an oversight.
Maybe she's not beyond hope.
Either way, this must be nasty for you. Hugs xxxxx
I text my eldest granddaughter (18), at the beginning of the summer to tell her that I'd be going back to my home town to visit during the summer holidays, and to see if she would be available to meet up. She seemed pleased at the thought of seeing me, but then unfortunately I had to change my plans. I'd told her mother, and knew that she'd passed the change of plan on to my youngest GD, but then got a text from eldest GD inviting me out to lunch while I was there. I felt absolutely terrible, as I'd mistakenly assumed that she would have been told too, but she was devastated, as I'd obviously made her feel that she wasn't important enough to be told directly, while all the time she'd been planning to treat me to a special meal out. I will NEVER be this thoughtless again!!
So, just in case your sister has assumed that the rest of the family would have mentioned the party to you, and that you and your son would automatically assume you were invited, I'd give her a ring, send a text or make a point of seeing her, and just ask, at least that way you'll know the truth of the matter, rather than taking umbrage when it could simply be a case of thoughtlessness.
I do hope that that is all it is, and not at all what you believe to be the case, which would be awful.
this could easily be a mistake and easiest way to find that out is for one of your family too check with the cousin. I had to do this recently for a cousins wedding where my younger brother was only sibling not invited. She was fine with him coming but had thought he would not want to add was much younger than her and had not really had much to do with each other. I think it is better to get someone to ask than just assume no one wants you there.
Could the party possibly be adults only? It may he assumes you wouldn’t be able to get care for your son so you were not invited?
I am sorry OP. It's very nasty of them not to have invited you and DS. I can't understand how some people can be so nasty. Your 'DSis' should be ashamed of herself , and your parents should be very ashamed to have brought her up to be so nasty and discriminatory. If it were me i think i would text her on Saturday (the day after the party) and say that I heard from numerous people that she was having party on Friday and hope she had a great time and then go NC thereafter. No contact ever. Don't really need toxic people in ones life- related or not.
I’d text her and say ... hello sis, don’t know what’s going on but various rellies have been talking about a family party and saying they’ll see me there. Have I missed something?
Then wait for a response!
Your family are horrible, for doing this. It's a deliberate move because people find people with disabilities to be an inconvenience. You and your son are better off not being in their company if they think so little of him.
I'm autistic and I'm not invited to anything my family do. They've booked several events over christmas with my mum who I was staying with until I found out they'd booked everything for when I'm staying without even mentioning it to me. My mum now feels terrible because she had no idea they'd not asked me and I'm going to be alone over most of the christmas holiday. She offered to speak to them about it but I told her not to bother. Instead I'll be staying with a friend whos dad and sister are also autistic. Where I'll not be the odd one out and where they actually enjoy my company.
They are treating you and your child like shit. This is one occasion that you should raise holy hell! Don't be a doormat ffs!
I feel it is for them to reach out to me now, or I will have to massively distance myself.
Make that explicit. Tell her what you've said here. I'm still waiting for my extended family to reach out to me on a different issue but they're too stupid to understand that. She'll need it spelling out.
You don’t want to ask her in case if a fall out....but it is a fall out if you retreat feeling rejected.
I would call her, and say “Two family members have said they will see me on Friday at yours!!! Have I got my diary mixed up or something? “
Because it might have been a genuine mistake: invite for astray, and asking puts you no further back than not asking.
You need to find out whether you were invited or not. It is possible that your sister sent an invitation that has got lost; and any perceived division will turn into a reality when you don't turn up at this party. So give her the benefit of the doubt, say that others have mentioned the party, and ask if you were invited because you've received nothing.
You still don't have to commit to going - if you need more notice because of prepping your child (and I know how that feels!) you can decline, legitimately but personally, on that basis. If your sister wasn't thinking badly of you, she'll understand that the lost invitation = lack of notice = lack of prep time = unable to attend.
Gosh families can be shits.
TBH you are already feeling left out, so why not call your sister and just ask her outright? Have the row if it happens but you will know where you stand.
And if she does say you're not welcome you can tell her what a shit she is and that she needn't bother communicating anything ever again. (and that her attitude is putting other family members in a shit situation to)
And then don't look back. Do you want a person who would treat you like that in your life?
I really don't see why anyone should be diplomatic and kind to people who treat them like this.
We have this. 2 DC, elder one with severe ASC. MIL has a large family, and DS1 is often omitted from their numerous events. There's always an excuse, of course, but ultimately it comes down to the fact that they can't be arsed with him. I would never dream of taking him along to something that he wouldn't enjoy, or would actively hate, but an invite to all would be thoughtful. MIL often says 'I'll take DS2 to X's party' - it's like she's forgotten all about DS1. And he's easy going, too … but he's non-verbal (has a communication system, but none of DH's family have bothered to understand it). They dropped him like a ton of bricks aged 3, when ASC was mentioned. I've even had relatives offer to come and pick up DS2 so he can attend their event - because their DC want someone to play with - and not even mention DS1. And MIL wonders why we're not chomping at the bit to socialise with them.
“I really don't see why anyone should be diplomatic and kind to people who treat them like this”
I agree. But it is as well to be sure that they are treating you like this before being undiplomatic.
I know a woman who ruined her friend’s 40th by causing a scene when “discovering” her party, only to find that it was her own lack of attention to her Inbox that was to blame.
well, quite, which is why i suggested calling and asking - and then having The Conversation (or row).
But if it looks like a pattern of behaviour (i don't get "but i thought your sister would tell you" when the sister has an invitation straight from the horses mouth and no instruction to pass it on. etc.) it probably is.
Since I stopped tiptoeing around the more toxic members of my extended (in-law) family I feel so much better. Although I realise that not everyone is as "bolshy" as me and can't all do that.
I'd give the benefit of the doubt the first few times but it's harder to do when the bad behaviour keeps happening
There is some form for this - I have discussed with them that I really need to know about events beforehand, whereas I am generally the last to know. Usually plans are made & then they get round to telling me about them.
Whereas what would be helpful to me is if I was engaged at the start - that I was told 'We are planning a family get together around (date), what can we do to make it easy for DS to attend?' So I would like DS to be at the centre of things, the heart of the family, rather than feeling that DS & I are an afterthought. Am I asking too much? I do appreciate that without 1st hand experience it is hard to know how challenging and tiring it is to get around with a disabled person.
Many of you have said I should speak to Dsis to clarify before making any assumptions, and yes you probably have a point. But it would be so much better if I was contacted first, the confusion must have got back to her. If I don't hear shortly then maybe I will text.
'I know a woman who ruined her friend’s 40th by causing a scene when “discovering” her party' - but I am not going to do anything like that or risk spoiling the occasion. Part of the reason why I am reluctant to contact is that I don't want to cause any drama.
To be honest I don’t expect my kids to be the center of my family get togethers. If my family are planning something and it doesn’t suit my kids’ nap times etc then we don’t go. It’s not always about my kids and What their needs are, so I think it’s a big ask to always be about what suits your son. I apologize if I misread your last post but it does sound like you want your son’s needs to come first.
I totally get that you feel hurt for your son to not feel included in your family, but my kids are often on the sidelines because they are kids not because they have a disability.
Although it doesn’t take much effort to let you know in advance so you can prep your son 🤷♀️
I don't think it is too big an ask to factor in my DS needs into family get togethers. DS is an adult attending adult occasions, his disability is a permanent state of affairs.
This is not about children's nap times it is about thinking about things like accessibility of amenities and loos, about not booking restaurants etc that have steps to the door, or keeping a parking space clear for us. About asking us beforehand if they're not sure what our needs are.
It sounds like they aren't making any effort at all OP and I'm sorry, that's a crap way to treat a family member
I would not go, I would not contact my sister, I would assume I wasn’t invited and just ignore it.
How fucking hurtful. for you. You’re not asking too much AT ALL. If members of your own family can’t act with compassion and insight around disability then that’s absolutely awful. Shame on them.
Sorry OP, I misread and thought your son was a child 🙈
Thank you Blondebaking I appreciate that.
I maybe abu (just a bit) but have had to see DS encounter so much prejudice in his life....then when I call it out I am told I am being oversensitive. I want him to be valued for who he is rather than just tolerated....but the willingness to value him is either there or it's not, it can't be forced.
My kids are the centre of my universe. They are my no. 1 Priority in life and I would do anything for them. It must be hard to feel like you need to advocate for your son all the time with specialist help, and school in the past and now to be included in your family.
I suppose the only thing to consider is that he isn’t the center of everyone else’s thoughts. Maybe when organizing a dinner the organizer want to go to a particular venue because it’s the birthday person’s favourite restaurant or cuisine. But what happens if it doesn’t suit your son’s needs (although I imagine most venues need to be disability friendly these days). Would you expect family to change plans so your son can attend or would you be happy for plans to go ahead?
Did you hear from your sis OP?
and for you, Livingtothefull.
I cannot add anything to what has been said but I'm so sorry for you and your son - and I don't think you are being over sensitive.
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