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To think DH is playing with fire with new 'friend'

(443 Posts)
Ickysnicky Mon 07-Oct-19 14:52:32

I'm really worried about DH's behaviour lately and for a while now. We have 3 daughters, 10, 8, and 4. He takes them to school everyday as he catches the train in the same location. I was aware of him talking to one of our 4 year old's mums every now and then but now it seems like it's an every day occurrence and they have become very friendly, messaging on FB, etc. He also never speaks to anyone else. This leaves me feeling uneasy as DH doesn't have a lot of friends and in the 20 years I've known him he has never had a female friend, only work colleagues.

Anyway, they both have started the same hobby recently and have agreed to start going together. DH knew that I wouldn't be comfortable with it but said that if I said he shouldn't go then I would be ruining it for them and it would be my fault hmm

I feel really uneasy about the whole friendship as DH seems very emotionally invested in the friendship. He's the type to be very flattered by attention and just worried that he really is playing with fire.

MikeUniformMike Mon 07-Oct-19 14:54:23

What is the hobby?

Ickysnicky Mon 07-Oct-19 14:55:12


WorraLiberty Mon 07-Oct-19 14:55:46

Have you tried getting to know her?

GunpowderGelatine Mon 07-Oct-19 14:56:14

Do you think he fancies her?

Ickysnicky Mon 07-Oct-19 14:57:24

Yes, but she definitely isn't as interested in being friends with me. She'll say hi and make small talk but that's it.

Ickysnicky Mon 07-Oct-19 14:57:55

He wouldn't admit it if he did.

aweedropofsancerre Mon 07-Oct-19 14:59:04

You would be ruining for them both and it would be your fault?

Eh, what? If he wants to go running why doesn’t he join a running club or do it with you. Why this mum? I think he is playing with fire and he has already started on you for suggesting your not comfortable with it and blubbering on.

GunpowderGelatine Mon 07-Oct-19 14:59:17

Butdo you think he does?

RedskyLastNight Mon 07-Oct-19 14:59:22

So he chats to another parent who he sees at school.
He's now arranged to go running with them occasionally.

... and this is a problem because ...?

... and I presume you mean she is your 4 year old's friend's mum, otherwise, you have a very complicated family set up!

Pitterpatterpettysteps Mon 07-Oct-19 15:01:18

Can you offer to go running with him instead? If he just wants someone to run with, he should appreciate that?

Itsreallymehonest Mon 07-Oct-19 15:01:58

It could well be innocent, but ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Even if it is innocent they will be gossipsed about by other parents, and this would be disrespectful to you.

Bipbopbee Mon 07-Oct-19 15:05:38

What Itsreallymehonest said.

Would he like this if the roles were reversed?

I would feel uncomfortable with this too OP, especially if she was not that chatty with me.

PlasticPatty Mon 07-Oct-19 15:08:16

They're on together, or want to be. You know it, I know it, we all know it. Now what?

gamerchick Mon 07-Oct-19 15:08:55

I would definitely ask him after giving a list as you have just done, how he would feel in your shoes.

If he says he wouldn't care then that ship has sailed emotion wise. He's going to do it anyway whether you like it or not.

speakout Mon 07-Oct-19 15:20:34

Trust your instincts.

HillRunner Mon 07-Oct-19 15:24:22

I'm not sure how he is 'playing with fire'... what is it that you're worried will happen here?

If you're worried that he'll cheat, then he will only do so if he makes a decision to do so. This women can't force him to do anything, and him going running with her won't make him any more or less likely to cheat if he doesn't want to in the first place. Either you trust him to turn her down, or you don't.

If you're worried about other people gossiping without foundation, well fuck them. Does it matter what others think?

Gruzinkerbell1 Mon 07-Oct-19 15:24:28

If nothing else he’s teetering on the brink of it being an emotional affair. The nonsense about you “ruining it” is him already establishing them both as the “we” and you as the threat to their relationship.

Is she married/in a relationship?

HillRunner Mon 07-Oct-19 15:25:32

If he's already emotionally engaged with her to the point where he is considering cheating (or already cheating) then he isn't 'playing with fire', he's causing the fire.

NewNameGuy Mon 07-Oct-19 15:26:35

Can't you just be happy that your husband takes the kids to school, has made a friend, and is keeping fit?

Do you have ant
Y friends or hobbies?

NewNameGuy Mon 07-Oct-19 15:27:01

Any not ant Y (stupid phone)

RevealTheLegend Mon 07-Oct-19 15:27:31

Running together is a REALLY odd one tbh. You very rarely see a male/female training partner set up. Probably more than any other sport, as it is so hard to match your pace.

Even Most running couples I know rarely run together as men’s and women’s pace is usually so different.

ChilledBee Mon 07-Oct-19 15:27:33

I'd not worry about it myself. I'm great friends with one of the dads who is a SAHD because he also used to teach and we both love British comedy. I've never even seen his wife.

GettingABitDesperateNow Mon 07-Oct-19 15:31:33

If he had female friends or close male friends it wouldn't bother me. I have close male friends and went to yoga with one I'd not known for ages. But. He is always friendly to my husband and I get on well with his wife as well. And we go separately as well. And a change in the behaviour would worry me actually. Also his over reaction about running - surely there are enough apps and trackers and running clubs they can do it separately? I'd be trying to make friends with her as well if he wont talk about it and say great you will get a sitter and come out with them as well. See what he says

MonnaLIza Mon 07-Oct-19 15:31:54

Hi I am a (former) fast women runner and quite a few of my training partners were men, due to pace/distance, etc (I was into ultramarathons). Running is a bit like a drug, tends to fill up your life, but I can assure you that there was zero dodgy behaviour with my running partners. However, if you feel that something is dodgy do step in. I believe in intuition.

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