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AIBU?

To feel sad about 2 year HV assessment and ask for hand hold

80 replies

NaviSprite · 01/10/2019 14:58

I have twins who will be turning 2 very soon. They were both premature and both very low birthweight so are behind developmentally. I am doing my best to try and help them catch up. But I don’t want to become so obsessed with it that I’m pressuring them too much and missing out on just having fun with them, so I’ve balanced as best I can between education (as much as one can educate a toddler any way 😊) and fun play, most importantly I’m following their signals on when they’re ready to try something and when they’re not. I push when I know they can do something but are choosing to be cheeky (DD for example has some basic words and knows ‘drink’ but will still resort to point and grunt when she wants a drink, so I will encourage her to ask with her words before giving it, if that makes sense?).

We got their 2 year assessment questionnaires through the post yesterday and I’ve looked through them... they are a no on almost all of the gross motor skills, some of the fine motor skills and DS is really behind on his language development.

All of this the HV knows as she’s been involved from rather early on in their lives and is a mum to twins herself. Hers are all grown up now but she sympathises because not only do my DD and DS have the prematurity aspect to their delay, but they have twin delay also.

I know the assessment isn’t cut and dry and keep reminding myself that I know they’re progressing, but it’s in small increments which me and DH notice because we’re with them every day, but they’re not the ‘leaps’ forward that a lot of Health Professionals want to see.

Just feeling a bit disheartened and I don’t have any other mums IRL (except my own and she barely remembers the toddler years) to talk to about the assessment.

Anybody have it where their DC didn’t ‘pass’ but went on to develop well, it just took a bit of extra time? As a mum of preemies I’m usually good at blocking out the milestones and reassuring myself that we’re on track, that my twins will get there eventually, but some days I look around at their peers and wonder if they’ll ever get there well enough that it won’t hinder their chances when they get to school of having a normal sort of life.

Sorry it’s a bit long, thank you to anybody reading my ramble and if anybody has any advice or encouragement please share (even if it’s just to say ‘FGS Navi stop being a twat they’ll get there in the end’ 😂)

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SeaToSki · 01/10/2019 15:03

My DS was assessed at 18 months for language delay and fine motor coordination. He is starting at Oxford next week. It sounds like you are a great Mum and great Mums give their DC the opportunity to be the best they can be, everything else is just a rabbit hole to anxiety and unhappiness

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NaviSprite · 01/10/2019 15:09

You’re right about the rabbit hole for sure, I’m annoyed at myself for being so affected by this but I think it’s just hitting me hard today. Congratulations to your DS as well!

Thank you for sharing that, I hope I’m getting into an emotional flap for nothing but when they’re this age and development is so slow going I can’t help but wonder if I’m doing it wrong sometimes - especially as there’s two of them and only one of me (DH works I’m a SAHM) and it doesn’t help that his parents are always so condescending about it but that’s a whole different thread 😂

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Justanothernameonthepage · 01/10/2019 15:10

Do they spend time with older kids? My BF has a lovely little boy who was very uncommunicative and reluctant to do anything outside his comfort zone. Once he started nursery and interacting with other kids there was a huge leap and now he's hitting all typical targets.
But even if that's not the case, please don't despair, some kids do take longer or need a different approach or just process things in a different way and will suddenly surprise you. They are progressing, they have a supportive home, they just have their own timetable.

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Teddybear45 · 01/10/2019 15:12

I didn’t learn how to crawl let alone walk until 21 months old but I now work in a senior role at an investment bank. My brother didn’t talk until he was 3 and is now a senior honcho for a university. And neither of us had prematurity to justify the delays!

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RainOrSun · 01/10/2019 15:13

DS1 wasnt prem or a twin, but we did have to go back after 4 months because there were concerns during his 2 year check.
He is in the top sets at school, and is competing, one of several representing the whole town of 7 primary schools, in cross country running next week - so at 2 years he was failing, but 8 years later he is physically and academically flying.
Keep going - it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with them Flowers

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whinetime89 · 01/10/2019 15:17

I am a Speech Pathologist and based on their current language development I would look into seeing a SALT who can help build on these skills. Early intervention is is important and whilst taking into account beong premature it certainly wouldn't help getting them some extra help in this area

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londonrach · 01/10/2019 15:17

Hope this helps op but every single child i know where recalled in my area apart from one child. My dd failed the test as having drawn a picture when she arrived she refused to draw another and follow the hv instructions and she couldnt put her coat on and refused to talk to the Hv. On leaving the room dd told me she didnt like the hv that why she refused to talk. Please dont worry.

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NaviSprite · 01/10/2019 15:20

@Justanothernameonthepage They have recently started interacting with the two children who live next door, my DS was obsessed with the 5 year old boy running around and after he watched him for a bit he has started trying with walking a lot more now, before he’d fall on his bum if we tried to get him to hold hands and practice, now he walks alongside me (slowly but surely) when I’m holding one hand. So I know in my heart of hearts that they’re doing well. But the put downs have gotten to me today. When we showed his GP’s (my IL’s) that he would walk with is they just sniffed and said “when you said he’d made progress we thought he’d be running around”.

@Teddybear45 thank you! I don’t know where life will lead them in the long run but I just want them to be happy. I’ve been told DS is showing some signifiers of ASD but still too early to tell if it’s because of the delays or not. I think it’s hard for me because my Mum has no recollection of what I was like at their age so I have no immediate reference to go to. DH was premature and all his parents say is that they had him fully caught up by 20 months.

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GettingABitDesperateNow · 01/10/2019 15:20

Hi OP

No advice but two things I'd comment on -

You sound like you're dealing with this really well with a great mix of keeping an eye on things and pushing them but letting them get on with things at their own pace and not getting too anxious over it. No mean feat!

I dont know about in your area but in ours the 2 year checks are done a lot later. Like at 28 months or something I think? That's a big difference between 28 months and almost 2 especially for premature babies. It's the difference between a couple of single words and full sentences.

I think the HV see it not as a check list as in 'if they cant do this there is an issue's but more to flag up that monitoring is needed and so they can check progress over time. If things are moving forward then that's what they are usually more concerned about at this age

Hope it goes well

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recededpronunciation · 01/10/2019 15:21

My eldest was delayed with speech and gross and fine motor controls. She passed 13 GCSEs at the top grade in the summer. She’s a bit rubbish at team sports but we can live with that! Try not to worry. They will get there.

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Mummy536 · 01/10/2019 15:23

We asked for the HV assessment "early" at 2y because we were about to move - the HV told us they would actually send the questionnaires out around 2.5y. So given your babies prematurity and the wide variation in babies anyway, please don't give these questionnaires too much thought! Maybe ask to rebook your meeting with your HV and do the questionnaire again at 2.5y when you can tick off some of the answers.

Our toddler is borderline on verbal but we knew that going in and are mildly concerned. But I'm going to try not to worry and will look at it again in a few months time.

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Hughesallison · 01/10/2019 15:35

My son failed his 2 years check and now at 3.5 years old, he's very advanced. Don't worry too much, each child is different and develop at their own pace.

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Userzzzzz · 01/10/2019 15:38

Have you used the proper scoring that goes with the ages and stages questionnaire? You don’t have to tick everything to get a normal development score. This is an anecdote re different age bands (so may not be reassuring) but mine was flagged for follow-up for the communications skills hit of the 9m ages and stages communication but was talking fluently by the 2y check and ticked everything on the 2y questionnaire so there can be a lot of variation across the years.

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Andysbestadventure · 01/10/2019 15:40

Are they having their 2yr assessment at their adjusted age? (I.e when they wouldve turned 2 if born on their due date) otherwise tell the HV to piss off until they hit 2 with their adjusted age.

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ElizaPancakes · 01/10/2019 15:42

Hi @NaviSprite.

I’m a mum to ID twins who were also early (4 weeks) and had speech delay. It was significant enough that they had intensive speech therapy from age 3, and were in a full time SALT class during infant school.

They’re now Y6 and we’re looking at secondary schools. Both need a lot of extra support around reading and writing - the Ed psych has said this is quite normal, that the heavy focus on speech means often those children develop other issues with decoding in their reading and writing.

I’m not sure if this is helpful, but please feel free to PM me if you want. Sometimes it is really hard to have these conversations with other mums as twins makes it a whole other board game.

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Harrysmummy246 · 01/10/2019 15:43

It's not an exam to pass or fail- it can only flag up possible areas to keep an eye on.


But it isn't compulsory to see HV at all so you can decline.

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Ijumpedtheshark · 01/10/2019 15:45

My DS hardly talked until he was 2.5 and there were other things he couldn’t quite do at 2. He’s now more or less fully caught up at 3.5 and quite the chatterbox. I used to worry about him a lot, now I don’t as I now really believe that most children get there in the end.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 01/10/2019 15:56

The 2yr check is a guide

Yes many children tick all the boxes

But lots don’t. Eep speech and motor skills

I would book the check For when they were due. So If 3mths preg book at 2.3

Obv if there are going to be problems then good to keep an eye on their skills and if need be get extra help like speech therapy

Tho try and not worry. Most prem babies I know, and I’ve seen /looked after lots including prem twins (I’m a maternity night nanny) catch up with their peers by the time they go to pre school or :school

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Rachelover60 · 01/10/2019 16:00

I feel sorry for you but I am sure your twins will be absolutely fine! Lots of premature babies are behind others of the same age but then they shoot ahead.

What SeatoSki said earlier on in the thread is extremely encouraging.

I also know a lovey, clever and capable young woman who did not say one word, not even 'Mum' or 'No' until she was over three.

Chin up Flowers.

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NaviSprite · 01/10/2019 16:02

They turn 2 in October and were two months prem so it’s being taken ahead of their corrected age. I’m pretty certain it’s because the HV wants to start the ball rolling on additional support but she hasn’t overtly explained this.

I will have a look for a SALT within my area as I do want to help them wherever possible, I asked the HV about this previously but she was rather non-commital on whether it would be required or not.

Thank you for sharing all of your experiences - I have accepted as best I can that they will likely need support outside of me and DH as the hardest thing we’re finding at the moment is one on one time with them individually each day (we probably manage it about 4 times a week for about 15 minutes but they’re not too keen on being apart from each other).

I did some research into speech therapy for DS in particular as he still prefers repetitive noises such as Babababa, Mamamama, Dadadada etc. After a month and a half of implementing a few changes his noises have increased in range, but no indication yet of babbling in sentence like structures or attempts at individual words (except on the odd occasion, but they are few and far between). His hearing has been tested and is okay.

I will do all I can and I do hope that one day it will just ‘click’ into place for them. I can see the small changes they’re making and I know we haven’t stalled or backtracked in any areas - but progress is slow going 😊

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StillMedusa · 01/10/2019 16:10

One of mine didn't walk til 2 or have speech til 5 (and was unintelligible until at least 9) He waks, talks and has a full time job now!
We did get extra support from about 2.5 and yes he has some life long difficulties as he has autism and mild learning disability, but if at 2 when he was a non mobile, non verbal child lining up crayons, you'd have said he'd have a job I'd have laughed (and sobbed).

Accept any input offered, and most importantly have faith and enjoy them...what will be will be x

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HuloBeraal · 01/10/2019 16:12

I am the mum of a 26 weeker. Are you still under consultant care? When they are two corrected they did a formal check. My son passed it and was discharged but a bunch of his neonatal buddies were referred for extra support. It’s a more comprehensive process than the 2 year check. I know it’s disheartening and I spent months comparing my son to others (and lying about his age), but as a PP said early intervention is absolutely the most vital thing. Will your GP refer you for physio? If you can afford even a single session of private physio and SALT I would really recommend it. My son was doing ‘too well’ for NHS support and the waiting lists were far too long so we were forced to top it up and it was some of the best money we have spent. I know it’s not always possible but I am pleased your HV is putting things in place.

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Meltedicicle · 01/10/2019 16:13

Bit different to you as my DD has Downs but honestly, I found she seemed to make zero progress for ages and then would rocket! So she didn’t walk or even really crawl until 16 months when she pulled herself up and was walking by 19 months! Plus I’d also notice that while she worked on one skill, the rest would take a backseat. During the pre school years, I’d concentrate on having fun and focus on what they can do rather than what someone thinks they ‘should’ be doing Smile

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Waveysnail · 01/10/2019 16:15

All my boys were referred at 2 to SALT. Early intervention gives a big leap forward. All mine are fine now with speech some took a little longer with SALT - middle one was still going until 5. Right support can work wonders

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OhTheRoses · 01/10/2019 16:17

Just a thought op, are pointing things out to them in a very clearly enunciated way, pretty much constantly. "Here is the blue bowl". Thank you mummy.

If you think they need extra help wouldn't it be best to go to your gp and ask for a paediatric referral now? I wouldn't wait for an hv to notice a problem and decide f was a problem but then mine knew so little of her botty from her elbow I didn't even take mine for their checks.

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